elizabeth1979

So last night we were talking on the phone and it came up that I didnt want alcohol in the house and didnt want to go to bars even just to eat, didnt want to go to my parents houe- they are drinkers, and I said my reason was that I didnt want to make it any harder for him than it allready was.

Bad idea apparently. He said he didnt want others to change their life because of his problem because that made him feel like others pittied him and weretreating him like a child.

Input please?? What doyou all think...to the A's in recovery, can anyone realte? To the loved ones of A's- anyone heard that?

splendra

It seems like you are changing your life to the way you want it and that does not = pity IMO.....It means you perfer to not be around alcohol and what is wrong with that?

If you can handle cutting it out of your life and that is what you want them go for it.....

JessicaNAJ

That is exactly what I would have done - because we care and we love them. But what I've learned in my recovery is that I can't make things easier for him. He has to do it himself.

Let him decide what he wants - you keep the focus on what you want. Don't make any changes for him, do it for you.

((((elizabeth))))

Chuckles101301

This seems to be a touchy subject with newly sober A's. My AH has been out of treatment for 4 months. I touched on this right away. I asked him what he felt comfortable with and what he wanted to see happen as far as socializing, going to eat-in bars etc. He told me that he didn't feel comfortable being newly sober and doing these activities. Being that he had just gotten out and it was Thanksgiving, my parents decided that we wouldn't have wine with dinner (we usually did). This made my AH uncomfortable and he stated that they didn't need to do that on his account (pity)...my mom replied we don't "need" to do it (drink) period. Enough is enough. My AH said later that he was glad that there wasn't alcohol and I said we can live without it....he replied, "because you're not alcoholics." Exactly. You cannot make decisions for your A. He can make them for himself and he is finding that out. I think your statement would have been fine had you not suggested what was best for him or tried to imply that you were doing this for him, rather then for yourself. I don't go to bars and I don't drink socially anymore because I think alcohol stinks and it has wreaked havoc in my life. We also have a dry house. My decision for me. He has also made the decision to not go to bars and for us to have a dry house...all on his own because he is perfectly capable of making these decisions for himself. Let your ASO make his decisions about what is best for him, he is a capable adult. Have you read co-dependent no more?

equus

I know how you feel. My hubby is exactly the same!! I stopped drinking when he did and he accepts that but the rest he's determined should be his problem alone to deal with.

It makes me sad because I believe that all of us should give and take - alcohol removed from the question, I don't smoke round someone trying to quit - or in a non smokers house. I don't plan a night out dancing if I know a friends has a sore leg, I don't blaspheme in front of friends I know are religious - just to prove free speech, I carry my friends pack up a mountain because she's forgotten her asthma spray and I don't swear in front of old people who I know hold a different meaning to it.

I am deterrmined to keep MY identity and MY standards of how I want to live life. I refuse to let the actions of others turn me into a person I've no wish to be. None of the above give me any less rights or freedoms.

My husband lives the same way but never expects it returned - something I think maybe I should learn too because it seems the whole world swarms with folk far more interested in their 'right to .....' than in the person standing next to them.

I'm not sure what pity is, I'm sure each of us hold different meanings. Sometimes my heart breaks for my hubby but I have never held any less respect for him. His courage, strength and tenacity blows my mind!!

elizabeth1979

I should have been a little more clear. Yes, I have read the book Co-Dependant No More.

The decisions I was making about what I thought he could and couldn't handle were selfishly motivated. Dan likes to blame me for everything and I like to accept it. I am working on that. SO, I had decided that I would no longer put myself in a position that would give him OR ME, any reason to blame me for his actions. I just need to honestly be able to tell myself that I did NOT contribute to this in any way and I know that if I do some of the things I listed above, I would question that.

Hope that makes sense.

elizabeth1979

For example....he said last night that he didnt go to meetings as much as he should bc he wanted to see me. So, I choose to not be the scapegpat anymore.

Magichappens

I decided not too long ago that some of the behaviors I chose were contributing to my families dysfunction. I decided that I don't feel comfortable going to bars, or drinking myself. It has nothing to do with his choices.

But in recovery, I am learning that if I quit a destructive behavior, I need to replace it with a healthy one. I chose to go to more Al-Anon meetings, open AA meetings, and generally get more involved with the relationships I have there. It has helped my recovery, and maybe set a good example for my family. Whether they follow it or not is up to them.

When I present these things as my choices and my recovery, I allow others the dignity of making their own choices about their life.Hugs, Magic

cwohio

again - that "magic" touch of wisdom!