What about the kids?

Old 02-16-2005, 05:14 PM
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What about the kids?

HI, all. I was just wondering if someone with older kids (older than newborns or toddlers) could tell me how their drunken partner's drinking has affected them. I have a baby but I'm scared to death thinking what my AH's habits are going to do to him. I hate having to monitor my AH's behavior and making sure beer cans and other miscellaneous messes he leaves around aren't in reach of the baby. I also hate to think that our lives are going to consist of my taking the kids to Al-Anon meetings. (I'm working on getting out one day, I hope.) I just want to make sure the best interests of the kids are served. Maybe that means not living with daddy which unfortunately isn't the best for the kids, but under these circumstances, they may be. I just fear that my kids will grow to be drunks too. So you all that have kids and are a little farther along than me, can you tell me if kids can steer clear of that awful addiction if there is at least one non-drunk in the family? I wish in a way that he didn't pretend to be such a great father and play with his son because he thinks he can drink heavily and be a great dad. He's already proven that isn't possible, but it still doesn't phase him. It would just be easier if he went to drink in private and left us sober ones alone.
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Old 02-16-2005, 06:36 PM
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Hi. my name is Shana and Iam 19 years old and my dad is an alcoholic and I still live with him. I have been affected by his drinking for the past 10-11 years now. I go to Al-Anon now for a little over a year now. I understand that you fear that your kids will be drunks, too. But I have learned that what I have been through I do not even want to pick up a beer. I have seen my alcoholic drunk and mean many times and then I see my mom doing the best she can. Yes it affects the kids it has affect me greatly mostly emotional. But in the end I would not change my dad being an alcoholic because it lead me to Al-Anon where I meet people that care about me and love me and help me to a better person. I can not tell you to leave or to stay. It is up to you. What ever You think is best. If there is abuse then you need to protect your kids and yourself. I hope this helped you.
Keep coming back there are people here that understand.
Love,
Shana
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Old 02-16-2005, 06:46 PM
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My "boys" are 19 and 23, and I worrie all the time about it. They seem to be "ok" with his drinking. Except that they worrie about his health. I don't want them to think that it is ok to drinmk like that. They should be able to look to their father as a GOOD example, not a drink! The worst thing is when my AH wants to "lecture" them about something, and he slurs his way through the whole thing! I just HATE that!
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Old 02-16-2005, 10:06 PM
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I have 4 kids.........................
20 yr old daughter.............thinks dad is a funny drunk and disagrees that I divoced him last year..........she went to life with him, she likes to drink herself.
19 yr old daughter.............thinks (knows) dad is an as----e and will have nothing to do with him and he nothing with her............was thrilled that I divorced him.
17 yr old daughter disabled.............thinks dad is an as----e because all he does when she visits him is talks bad about mom..................was glad that i divorced him.
14 yr old son.............says all his friends are divorced so it doesnt matter to him................loves his dad and just lets what dad says about mom go in 1 ear and out the other.

My kids all remember that mom was the only parent they could relly count on for anything. Mom took care of everything, house kids cars school, you name it and I took care of it. I have always just ignored the fact that he drank til he passed out every nite. He went to work every day and would do whatever I told him to do. Kinda like another one of the kids.
I did not cover up anything for him. As the kids got older (teens) they figured out for themselfs what was relly going on. I let them make their own judgements of the situation. He was never really mean to anyone, just leave him alone downstairs to drink by himself and everything was cool.
Well, that got old or I got wiser. After 19 years I asked him for a divorce. I just couldnt see myself in this relationship anymore. I wasnt really happy, just going thru the motions of rising kids and taking care of a house that he wouldnt take care. Oh yeah and working 40 hrs a week.
He quit drinking the day I told him I was divorcing him. No program, nothing, just quit!!! That is the reason I believe that it was a choice for him. He did tell me that he knew I wasnt happy, he was just not ready to quit. It took me telling him I was divorcing him to quit, too bad he waited too long. Mind you I did tell him about every 4-6 months that he really needed to do something about the drinking because it was geting old and I didnt know how long I could continue like that.
Divorce and happy happy happy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My 2 cents , take what you want, leave the rest
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Old 02-16-2005, 10:21 PM
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Any negative will affect any one. Be it a child or an adult.
Children tend to bend and adjust more then an adult would.
Between my wife's family and my own there are 17 children (brothers and sisters) of the 17 all drank at one point or another in life and now 8 of the 17 don't drink. 2 of the 17 most would say have a drinking problem.
My own children (4) are all of legal drinking age. I have not drank for some time now (long enough that none of them would remember ever seeing me drink) Of the 4, 3 drink and one doesn't. From my own observations of those around me... it is the individual I would say more so then the upbringing around alcohol.
Negatives affect us all... any negative. It is how we learn to deal with such I think, that would say what kind of impact the negatives have on each.
The 12 steps can be a way of life for everyone.
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Old 02-17-2005, 06:47 AM
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thanks

Thanks for your input. It almost sounds like it will be partly parenting/environment and partly just how the child is in general (cross your fingers and hope). The thing that really gets me is that my AH thinks he is just as capable drunk as he is sober. I guess I need to videotape him in action sometime and show it to him when he is sober. I just love the slurred speech, running into furniture and just general impairment. And the smell of stale beer is just sickening. It probably won't be for a long time yet, but someday I'll leave because he isn't the type to admit he has a problem or get treatment. I just can't envision myself putting up with a lifetime of this. And I applaud those of you who did leave. That must take a lot of courage and strength -- an inspiration.
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Old 02-17-2005, 07:53 AM
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I am greatful for al-anon and I would be more than willing to raise my child in the steps of the program. It is a way of life, a way of being the best person you can be, and I think that is wonderful for everyone...children included. Al-anon isn't about the alcoholic, it is about the person affected by the alcoholic and I know I will never work my way out of the program, but rather incorporate the program into my work. I will be very thankful for the day that my child can attend a meeting and understand what it is about, because it will be so much help to me. Raising children to be responsible, respectful, productive individuals is very difficult and I want my kids to have the best chance possible. Knowing full well the biology behind alcoholism makes me even more determined to help my kids succeed. My husband is sober because of AA and I am becoming a better person because of al-anon, why would we toss these from our life when they have been life-savers. Hopefully, when your kids are older you can be honest about the problem of addiction in the family...it doesn't go away because you leave the alcoholic. I worry about my kids and their future, their interactions with alcohol and how I am going to ensure that they are healthy. Alcoholism is a family disease. Whether there is one sober person or not, it affects everyone to some degree or another...even if the alcoholic never drinks in your presence, the sickness is there. You could just as easily pass on the emotional addictive personality, even if you have not the physical addiction. Alcoholism and codependency are soul-diseases. I say keep talking with your children as they grow up, keep attending meetings, keep them involved in al-anon, and then when they are older, let them decide their course...hopefully they will be healthy. Leaving the alcoholic or moving your children out does not take their father out of their lives. They will have to "deal with" his alcoholism at some point, in one way or another. Keep going to al-anon and keep coming back and I wish you and your family peace and happiness.
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Old 02-17-2005, 08:39 AM
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Walshie,

I dont believe that any kids can be raised in an enviroment with an alcoholic and not come out injured. It may vary, but dont fool yourself, it will happen. You will notice they will not have the number of friends over that you think kids normally have. They are embarrassed and will try to keep it hidden. In my case it was their mother who had a problem. She was very functiona, worked all day in very good paying industry. It was the afternoons and evenings that were her problem.

The advice that people often give here is to get the kids into alanon, or counseling as soon as you can, do not wait to see if their is a problem. I could not agree more with them. I know because I didnt do it and it could have ended tragically. I was fortunate.

Our oldest now a senior in college bears some resentment but trys to be understanding that her mom is an alcoholic. (now sober) My son had some real problems. WHile the doc would not say it was ALL due to alcohol, it was as she put it an issue that had to be dealt with before ANYTHING could be fixed. He is getting better but still has some issues.

Our youngest threw herself into sports and is now an accomplished softball and ice hockey player. She does very well in school and seems the least effected. But they all grew up missing things. It is very sad when kids cannot speak to a parent because their drunk. They know not to ask anything of them in the evening because they will not remember. You are always aware of the risk of mom showing up to your event buzzed or with alcohol on her breath.

Sorry for being so long in answering. It will effect the kids in ways you dont even think of, and each kid is different in that reaction. My wife, now sober, is the love of my life, and i was determined to see her stop. She did but i wish I was more aware of the true cost my our kids paid.
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Old 02-17-2005, 10:08 AM
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Walsie, I have 2 teenage boys and I raised them with a father who has always worked hard and drank hard. I thought I was protecting my children by always being there for them, setting a good example by not drinking and talking to them about drinking. They are good boys, but in the past year my husband has taken the kids and put them in situations I don't approve of. Yes they are older and adore their father and thought nothing of it. One example I mentioned was letting my son drive with his permit, and my husband drinking in the car. I didn't grow up with alcohol and never imagined things like they are now. I am just thankful for the internet because I've never discussed my husband's drinking with anyone. Now, I will do what it takes to keep my boys on the right track. It won't be easy.
I know you will do the right thing, you've proven that by asking for advice. I'm a beginner, but have read some great words of wisdom here and what's really great is you will always have someone to talk to!
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Old 02-17-2005, 05:35 PM
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I have four children. Two are almost 21 and 19. The other two are 5 and 8. The two older ones biological father is an A and my H is an A. Their father has lived about 4 miles down the road and sees them maybe once a year. He might send a card for their b-day, but it is usually a couple weeks late. They have basically been raised by my current AH since they were 2 and 4. They have both grown into healthy happy young ladies. The oldest married a boy she met at church camp when she was 12! They are in the air force in England. The 19 year old is working fulltime and going to school fulltime. The 18 year old lived in a foster home from 16-18 years old. She had lots of problems running away, permiscuous behavior. No major drug or alcohol problems. I think the key was to keep them busy... keep them active in sports, church youth group, etc. I won't say neither of them will have problems as adults.. .but for now they both seem to be fairly well adjusted.

The 8 year old feels like daddy being gone (I kicked him out three months ago) is her fault and that she wasn't behaving well. We have talked and talked and talked and I believe she now understands. I have been totally honest with them. It was hard with the 8 year old, but she understands a lot more than I was thinking she would.

I would highly recommend, you detach from him and get involved with your kiddos. They need to know someone is on their side. I made the mistake of being so wrapped up with my AH when the two older ones were 10 to 13, that I know that contributed to some of the younger ones problems. THEY NEED TO KNOW THEY ARE LOVED. And, as most of us have learned the hard way, LOVE is an action word. You can SAY you love them all the time, but its your ACTION that SHOWS you love them. Kiddos need that... especially teenagers. They are so caught up in peer pressure and being liked, if you SHOW them unconditional love, that will help them more than anything. So what if your A is too involved in his bottle... you can get involved without him!

take care and peace.
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Old 02-17-2005, 11:30 PM
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Originally Posted by walshie
And I applaud those of you who did leave. That must take a lot of courage and strength -- an inspiration.
And I applaud those who stay. That takes a lot of strength, courage, and commitment.

Each needs do what they feel is right and best.
Each has a unique situation unto themself, even though from the outside it may look the same to many.

We all need to make our own choices as we pray that they be the right choices.
Applaud us all that deal with addictions. Pray for us all as well.
Heaven knows we need them.
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Old 02-18-2005, 04:58 AM
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Hey walshire,can understand your concerns,here.I have 4 boys,all grown now.Both my hub and i are alcoholics,today sober by God,s Grace and programs.Looking back,i realise thats its not only about the alcoholic,.But how i reacted to the alcoholic,too,that caused many unrest in our home,too.I was a binge drinker,didnt know that i too was alcoholic,for many years,and he was drinking constanly.When he didnt drink it was because he was to sick too.Pretty much an everyday drinker.My kids when younger seemed to accept dad,love him unconditionally.Their dad is their dad is their dad.They were mostly pissed of at me,for trying to get dad to change,.They senced my feelings,and what id say.Those digs that i would give out to him.Those moods id be in..blaming him..My reactions had a ripple effect on our family..Alcoholism is a "family" dissase..It wasnt until i came to both programs AA and al-anon,that our life changed.Hub didnt change for years,.,but came eventually to recovery programs,too.But it didnt matter,for i was learning a new way to live.And that helped everyone alot,not only myself...Today both of us are sober,through God,s grace,one day at a time.As of today my kids dont drink,or drug.I find that they are not so quick to judge folks,but,have an attitude of, live and let live.Relatively happy,living effective lives.My kids witnessed recovery,They never went to any programs,but read alot of litiure,we have at home.God is in their lives.They know that none of these miralces would be,without Him.They witness alcoholism,,and recovery.,and miracles.There are not perfect people,living perfect lives.No one knows the outcome,whether in an alcoholic home or not.Some,kids that are drugging,and drinking,have had none in their homes growing up.Its all got to do with the inside of a person,..Outside dymatics,are only part of the whole...Projecting negitives can only lead to more heart-ache.When God comes first in ones life,miralces are in da works...Through God,make this your best day ever,regardless of what the world and its people are doing.
Thanks for letting me share,,
God Bless,,take care!!!!!!!!
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