Starr

Knowing I'd be gone until late, he invited his family and his friends over for a bon-fire for my birthday. People arrived late afternoon and stayed into the evening and of course I wasn't there because no one informed me that there was a surprise party for my birthday. I arrived around 9. Some had already left. Most everyone was drunk by then. He kept making remarks about how I didn't even bother to show up for my own party. ( I didn't know!) No one hardly talked to me but I felt I had to stay because it was "my" party. Then as people start to leave several came up to me and pretty much told me what a jerk I was because I never came to my party til so late and how nice it was of him to throw me a party. Once everyone left he just sat there mad, not talking. Then went in to sleep. The next morning (Valentines Day) he was still just steaming. Then by mid-day everything was just fine.

Before I left the morning of my B-day, he could have just said something about maybe being home by a certain time, or something. But he seemed mad at me that morning and was drinking early so I was in no rush to get home to a mad or passed out husband. And just didn't want to spend my birthday alone, so I spent time with friends that day. But had I known, I could have arrived earlier.

He didn't bother to invite any of "my" friends over. It wasn't as tho he'd put a bunch of work and planning into it, just a fire and beer for everyone (when there's no money for things I need there's alway money for beer.)

But I guess he got the desired results, he was seen as the wonderful husband and I was the Jerk. And no one wanted to hear the fact that I never knew I needed to be there. He's never in all these years thrown me a party, why should I expect it this year?

Well, thanks for listening. I just needed to tell my side.

bluester

Star,know how you feel. If it were me,don't think I would worry to much about what other people thought. Most of my AHs friends are big drinkers,as is his family. There is never a function that alcohol doesn't play a BIG part...in this group. Anywhere or any time where there is a party with alcohol involved,they will be there. Of course if my AH would throw a surprise birthday for me. It would be spur of the moment type party. One phone call to his friends and family and all would come. Needless to say,if I was gone for the day and not had a clue to the surprise. They wouldn't care,the partying would still go on. If I show up fine and if not..no big deal. Maybe this is the way your AH planned this party.
What happens next year??? Wish I had ESP..then I could tell you.

zoe

Good morning Starr.
Take comfort on the fact that you spent your b-day with YOUR friends. He invited his friends and family to your b-day. While this may have been a wonderful thing, you did as you chose on your day. That says alot. You did for you and not him. That sounds like progress to me. Keep taking care of you and stop owning what is not yours. You made a decision on the info you had(wich was none)so stop beating yourself up.
Zoe

cwohio

pi** on what his "friends" think - i'm glad you were able to enjoy part of your birthday doing "YOUR" thing and not someone else's idea of what they think you wanted (not)!

velma929

Starr, so sorry. AH is giving ME plenty of warning for our big event. He's already asking,"What will we do for our anniversary?" (four months from now) I think to myself, "Hmmm, what will I do while he drinks himself into a stupor?"

osier59

MINE gave me a surprise birthday party once, and added a going away party for a nurse he worked with who was moving. (oh did I mention he was sleeping with her, too?) So it was a few of my friends, a bunch of his friends, add in more than one nurse he was messing around with... and lots of alcohol.The party was pretty much over when I found him in the bathroom giving the one nurse a prolonged going away kiss....

AT my party
IN my house.

Somehow, we made it thru that... and he had the (blanks) to give me another "surprise" party the next year. I found out a few hrs before it was to start, and I remember yelling and crying and asking if there were any nurses invited to this one.

Ah, the surprise party. Nothing much surprises me anymore. Mostly I just laugh at the absurdity of it all.

I think you did exactly the right thing. Celebrating with your friends and enjoying your birthday - taking care of YOU was the right thing to do. Where we tend to mess up is to continue to trust people who are untrustworthy.

Happy belated birthday!

Barb

robinrenee

This reminds me of that Alanon slogan, "What my alcoholic (or his drinking buddies) think about me is none of my business."