This is a little shaky....
 

but I hope it makes sense. Sorry it's so long.

I called my AH tonight to let him know where I stand - mentally.

I told him it is wrong of me to expect him to react the same way I would in any situation. We are two different people. Of course we are not going to react the same way. I can, however, choose to accept or not accept the way that he reacts. In the past I've always choosen to just accept it and that has gotten me nowhere.

A while ago he had said to me that no one should tell another person what they can and cannot do (I used to tell him he can't drink socially - because of the alcoholism / he thinks he can control his drinking.) Anyway, tonight I told him that he was right, I can't tell him he can't drink, but I can say that I will not accept that he chooses to drink and if he continues to think he can control it and drink when he wants, I cannot continue to go on like we have. And that if this is what he chooses (rather than getting help) then that is the consequences of his actions....not mine. I will not live my life like that and I will not raise my kids in that environment.

I asked him if he agreed that if feels as if we don't have a marriage....he did. He said he still feels in the back of his mind that there has to be someone else. I told him he needs to stop looking for excuses and start accepting that it is because of his drinking that we are where we are.

I went on to say that I don't trust him with my kids and that I cannot be married to someone I don't trust my kids to be with. I know he was drunk and driving the car with our 3 year old (he tried to tell me some lame story about him giving some guy a ride and it was this guys empty bottle of vodka and this guy left it in the car. I asked him if that was true then why did our daughter say it was "Daddy's water?" He started yelling and said whatever, if you don't believe me then you don't believe me. But what reason would I have of lying to you. I told him I didn't believe him and if he wasn't drinking vodka that day, why was he passed out as hard as he was. I got the WHATEVER JESSIE.)

He said I was keeping his kids from him. I told that I would never do that, but it is because of what he did that I will not allow him to take them for the day or a weekend. He is more than welcome to come over here and see them, just call first to make sure it is a good time.


Sorry - I tend to ramble....
Basically I told him that I didn't trust him with my kids, I don't feel we have a marriage, I cannot control whether or not he drinks and I have learned to stop expecting what he is unable to give or do. The only thing I can control is me and I can either accept or not accept what he chooses.

Shew....that is a load of my mind. A lot of this I've said to him before, but now - I believe it and I feel it (does that make sense). I feel as if I gave his feelings back to him. I will not feel bad for him because of any decision I make. I put the responsibility back on him and let him know that he is in complete control of his alcoholism. I am not responsible for his feelings - he is.

Wow! Sounds like you handled that so well!

I think you handled it well, too! I have been (am currently in) your shoes. My AH refuses to be honest about his drinking and it's only when I catch him red-handed that he will confess. I could ask him "Did you drink last night?" He will say, "No. It's been 'x' days." I will show him a receipt I found and he will first start with, "Why were you looking through my wallet?!?!" and then confess. But he will ALWAYS say, "But I only made one drink with it and I felt bad and threw the rest out." Whatever. Like I am supposed to buy that when his first inclination was to lie. Trust your gut. My AH and I are separated right now and I am 99.9% certain we are headed for divorce.

oh yeah - and I can get rid of that guilt that "I'm just stringing him along" because now he knows exactly where I'm at.

Thanks cupowater and jalacola. I was really nervous when I started talking to him, but it got easier as I went along. and it felt so good!!

That was brilliant Jess.

I have had to do a similar thing recently and I'm going to post about it when I've got my head together. What I learnt is that As don't do subtlety in any form. In fact, they don't do reality very well either. Plain speaking is the only way and even then they only hear what they want to hear.

The most important is that YOU know that you've laid it out clearly. That way, he cannot try and mess with your head.

Well done, Jessica. I love it when I can see recovery in action.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Thank you Minnie. I couldn't have made it this far without the support and encouragement of everyone here.

sorry i am late on this thread but jessica - what a strong post and a stronger woman who posted it! you did great and you should be very proud of yourself!

hugs - chris