A thought about detatchment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
A thought about detatchment
This is just something that popped into my head, and I wanted to open it up for discussion. I know it is healthy/nessasary for us to detatch. What kind of effect do you think it has on a relationship if you WANT to make it work? I mean, isn't there a fine line between detatching for our own good, and just not caring anymore? And is it healthy for a relationship? Thoughts? 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: South
Posts: 63
That's a question that runs through my head daily. And I don't have an answer. Detachment is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to face and I am by no means there yet. Heck, we are separated and I can't even detach. However, a weight has been lifted off my shoulders b/c I know that he won't be slamming drinks on his way home so that I won't know (even though I always did). He now relaxes and drinks alone in his apartment. I would like to hear advice to. I am having difficulty detaching.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I think by detaching it means to allow them to make their own choices and live their own lives. By detaching you will be enabling yourself to live a happier healthier life b/c you won't be so worried about what your A is doing.
Just my thoughts.
Just my thoughts.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Detaching to me means not getting so 'emotionally involved' with anyone that I lose focus on myself and my life apart from theirs. By emotionally involved I mean to the point where my own responsiblites, choices, and life suffer because all I think about is how I can fix things for the other person. Most of the time It really isn't any of my business to "fix things" to begin with. When I do try to do that I deny them the dignity of making choices that work for them. Usually my H.P. has a plan of growth for them that doesn't even include me.
I try very hard not to take hostages these days.
at myself because that was my old behavior.
I try very hard not to take hostages these days.
at myself because that was my old behavior.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
For me detaching was realizing that I could not rationalize with an irrational person. I could not do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. I could not CHANGE him.
Detaching is NOT not caring.
Detaching, for me, is realizing that MY behavior controls ME.
Detaching from the thought that I could control him resulted in ATTACHING to the fact that I could control myself.
I learned to measure my days by the changes that "I" made in the world. By how "I" felt when I went to bed at night. How "I" took care of myself and my family.
I took the power of being in charege my well being from someone else and gave it back to me.
Detaching is NOT not caring about those who you love. Detaching is realizing that you are ONLY the center of your own universe.
It is VERY eye opening to talk with a sober alcoholic and realize how very little "you" influence their daily lives and thought processes. It is NOT about you. It is about the alcohol. They have a primary relationship with being altered. YOU need to have a primary relationship with YOURSELF.
Detaching, to me, is really REATTACHING to the primary person in my life. ME.
Hope that helps.
Jenny
Detaching is NOT not caring.
Detaching, for me, is realizing that MY behavior controls ME.
Detaching from the thought that I could control him resulted in ATTACHING to the fact that I could control myself.
I learned to measure my days by the changes that "I" made in the world. By how "I" felt when I went to bed at night. How "I" took care of myself and my family.
I took the power of being in charege my well being from someone else and gave it back to me.
Detaching is NOT not caring about those who you love. Detaching is realizing that you are ONLY the center of your own universe.
It is VERY eye opening to talk with a sober alcoholic and realize how very little "you" influence their daily lives and thought processes. It is NOT about you. It is about the alcohol. They have a primary relationship with being altered. YOU need to have a primary relationship with YOURSELF.
Detaching, to me, is really REATTACHING to the primary person in my life. ME.
Hope that helps.
Jenny
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Detachment to me is the ability to not let anothers crisis disturb my peace. It does not mean I do not love them. It means I will let them work out their own stuff in their own time while I work out my own stuff in my own time. It means that I do love and respect the other enough to let them be who they are......with out trying to interfer.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi cup,
I used to think that being worried and focussed on the alcoholic was love. There is a line between obsession and concern. But focussing on my own recovery has made me realize that until I find my own peace of mind and serenity, I don't have anything healthy to give to a relationship myself.
Growth is scary. When I decided to seek recovery, I had to realize that if I change, others were going to react, especially the alcoholic. But I had reached a point where I was completely miserable. In that state, what could I add to any relationship but misery?
As I detached, things seemed to get worse for my relationship with Mr Magic. He seemed to be going down fast. Our relationship became less involved, less intimate. But I realize now that the intimacy that I thought was there was really just me joining in the insanity.
After a while, he started blaming me for the lack of intimacy and asking me to bring it back. That hurt, because, in a way, I had been the one to pull away. But once I had some serenity and healing, I couldn't go back to crazy. I tried, but it felt like going down a dark hole. I knew that I couldn't go back.
What I didn't know was that my joining Mr Magic in his sickness made him feel that it his actions were ok. When I let go and allowed him to be alone in it, he got scared. He had no one to focus on but himself. He had to decide whether he wanted to be alone in his insanity, or change.
Recovery isn't easy. But it has to start somewhere. When I stay sick, I am enabling the insanity to thrive. I know that I am powerless over anyone else's choices, but until I'm willing to take a chance and get better, I am contributing to the problem, and not allowing others to see their own reality.
By not detaching, I was trying to control others so that I would be ok. It didn't work. But I had to find that out for myself. In the program, they talk about hitting a bottom. I had to hit mine. I had to try everything else before I could accept a program of recovery.
Nothing in the Al-Anon program can teach us how to make another person well, capable of intimacy, responsible. All it can do is show us how to stop our own misguided thoughts and actions that contribute to the family illness. Through our own changed attitudes, we allow others to see their own problems as they really are, and maybe hit their own bottom. It is very painful to see someone I care about with all my heart destroying themself. But when I accept that I am powerless to stop it, I can allow myself to get better.
I had to learn that I don't have to feel guilty for seeking my own serenity and peace of mind, even when someone I love isn't capable of that. It's not my fault, and it's not my responsibility to find theirs for them. The only one I can change is me. Hugs, Magic
I used to think that being worried and focussed on the alcoholic was love. There is a line between obsession and concern. But focussing on my own recovery has made me realize that until I find my own peace of mind and serenity, I don't have anything healthy to give to a relationship myself.
Growth is scary. When I decided to seek recovery, I had to realize that if I change, others were going to react, especially the alcoholic. But I had reached a point where I was completely miserable. In that state, what could I add to any relationship but misery?
As I detached, things seemed to get worse for my relationship with Mr Magic. He seemed to be going down fast. Our relationship became less involved, less intimate. But I realize now that the intimacy that I thought was there was really just me joining in the insanity.
After a while, he started blaming me for the lack of intimacy and asking me to bring it back. That hurt, because, in a way, I had been the one to pull away. But once I had some serenity and healing, I couldn't go back to crazy. I tried, but it felt like going down a dark hole. I knew that I couldn't go back.
What I didn't know was that my joining Mr Magic in his sickness made him feel that it his actions were ok. When I let go and allowed him to be alone in it, he got scared. He had no one to focus on but himself. He had to decide whether he wanted to be alone in his insanity, or change.
Recovery isn't easy. But it has to start somewhere. When I stay sick, I am enabling the insanity to thrive. I know that I am powerless over anyone else's choices, but until I'm willing to take a chance and get better, I am contributing to the problem, and not allowing others to see their own reality.
By not detaching, I was trying to control others so that I would be ok. It didn't work. But I had to find that out for myself. In the program, they talk about hitting a bottom. I had to hit mine. I had to try everything else before I could accept a program of recovery.
Nothing in the Al-Anon program can teach us how to make another person well, capable of intimacy, responsible. All it can do is show us how to stop our own misguided thoughts and actions that contribute to the family illness. Through our own changed attitudes, we allow others to see their own problems as they really are, and maybe hit their own bottom. It is very painful to see someone I care about with all my heart destroying themself. But when I accept that I am powerless to stop it, I can allow myself to get better.
I had to learn that I don't have to feel guilty for seeking my own serenity and peace of mind, even when someone I love isn't capable of that. It's not my fault, and it's not my responsibility to find theirs for them. The only one I can change is me. Hugs, Magic
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Great topic, cupoH2O! I feel like I'm at a meeting!
I had to learn that detachment does not mean amputation.
What I strive for is simply to detach from another person's choices and behaviors by not investing emotionally in such matters. Detachment for me does not mean turning my back on my loved ones who are sick with the disease of alcoholism, but rather to love the person trapped in the disease.
Al-Anon has a Detachment pamphlet which includes the following:
"Alcoholism is a family disease.
Living with the effects of someone else's drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help.
In Al-Anon, we learn individuals are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it.
We let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights; lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves.
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people;
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery;
Not to do for others what they could do for themselves;
Not to manipulate situations so others will eat; go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink;
Not to cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds;
Not to create a crisis;
Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives,
Detachment helps families look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions possible."
*From "Detachment" - Al-Anon Public Information Material (S19) Used with Permission
I had to learn that detachment does not mean amputation.
What I strive for is simply to detach from another person's choices and behaviors by not investing emotionally in such matters. Detachment for me does not mean turning my back on my loved ones who are sick with the disease of alcoholism, but rather to love the person trapped in the disease.
Al-Anon has a Detachment pamphlet which includes the following:
"Alcoholism is a family disease.
Living with the effects of someone else's drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help.
In Al-Anon, we learn individuals are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it.
We let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights; lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves.
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people;
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery;
Not to do for others what they could do for themselves;
Not to manipulate situations so others will eat; go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink;
Not to cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds;
Not to create a crisis;
Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives,
Detachment helps families look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions possible."
*From "Detachment" - Al-Anon Public Information Material (S19) Used with Permission
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Great thread.
I've just been reading the great "co-dependent no more" and thought I'd share this passage with you.
"Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people create disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and grow. And we give ourselves the same freedom. We live our lives to the best of our ability. We strive to ascertain what we can and cannot change. Then we stop trying to change the things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing."
"Detaching doesn't mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and our environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves"
In answer to your question, if you go by this description of detachment, I think is vital for a healthy relationship. The only alternative is enmeshment and I can tell you from bitter experience that this is not healthy.
I've just been reading the great "co-dependent no more" and thought I'd share this passage with you.
"Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people create disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and grow. And we give ourselves the same freedom. We live our lives to the best of our ability. We strive to ascertain what we can and cannot change. Then we stop trying to change the things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing."
"Detaching doesn't mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and our environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves"
In answer to your question, if you go by this description of detachment, I think is vital for a healthy relationship. The only alternative is enmeshment and I can tell you from bitter experience that this is not healthy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Near the edge of reality
Posts: 36
This was very helpful to me, especially Magic's. I have an alcoholic husband and daughter. It is so much easier for me to understand how to detach from my husband's drinking. It is so much harder for my daughter. I feel like I am betraying the love and promise I made the day she was born to take care of her and keep her safe. It is so hard, for both of us. Sometimes I just don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
New Beginnings....I had a mother that loved me so much she smothered and protected me and made all my decisions. She did me and herself such a disservice. It has taken me 40 years now to learn those traits. And she has spent so much of her energy worrying and "fixing" my life that she now has very little energy to enjoy her retirement years.
Love and believe in your daughter. Detaching is a gift. It's hard, don't get me wrong. I struggle with it with my kids too. It's hard to watch your own children self destruct. NOt sure exactly what I want to say. DOn't really know what the answer is...but I just know that hovering and overprotecting don't work. I'm living proof of that!
HUGS
Love and believe in your daughter. Detaching is a gift. It's hard, don't get me wrong. I struggle with it with my kids too. It's hard to watch your own children self destruct. NOt sure exactly what I want to say. DOn't really know what the answer is...but I just know that hovering and overprotecting don't work. I'm living proof of that!
HUGS
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