Deception
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: MN
Posts: 29
Deception
Excuse me in advance, but I need to vent:
My AH recently went through two weeks of inpatient treatment, which, at the time, seemed like a great thing. He had lost his job, and was so depressed and drunk that he didn't know which end was up. He finally said he needed to go somewhere, so I made him make the calls to find out about the process of getting into rehab. and do the insurance stuff. He went to the ER first, and then to detox for two days. Then he waited two weeks to get into treatment. He stayed sober for those two weeks, and seemed to really be taking it seriously this time. Once in treatment, he seemed to be taking that seriously, too. Then he came home and did well for a while...about two weeks later he became depressed again...still no job, and idle time on his hands. I suspected drinking at that point, as all behaviors and appearances pointed to that. He denied. He got a job that weekend, which perked him up considerably. After the first week of work, same thing...old behaviors popped up...sleeping, computing, not communicating, avoiding meetings, etc. Still denied drinking. Then again, this past week, same behaviors came out. This time I was sure it was the vodka again, and went looking (I know, BAD habit!)...found a few bottles here and there...I cleaned up the garage (his former favorite "hiding" places) when he was at detox, so I was pretty sure I'd gotten all the bottles out. So, naturally, I believe that these bottles are "new". He still denies. He is currently sleeping in the guest room, which is still a mess from before treatment when he was hiding in there. Clothes piled everywhere. We had many ugly words over the last few days, and now I am resolved to just avoiding him while he's like this. I am sure he's drinking, but he is still denying it. But I decided that it doesn't matter if he is or he isn't drinking...this is still how he's behaving, and that's the bottom line. In the past, he has always used his drinking as an excuse for all of the nasty behaviors (looking at porn, chatting with women on the net, not bathing, obsessing at the computer, sleeping, etc.)...now with these behaviors present, he is claiming sobriety. So I asked him which lie is the truth...is it the drunk who does these things or the sober guy? He now says it's the sober guy, and he's just a jerk (my term) naturally! He's gone so far as to protect his "secret" drinking by "admitting" to being a "natural a$$hole"! I know I can't do anything about his drinking, or his behavior, but I don't have to put up with it. We are back to our old argument as to who goes and who stays...I don't want to leave my home and many pets, and don't feel I should have to. I can't afford to go somewhere else, anyway. He won't leave...says he has nowhere to go, but he could find someone to stay with if he needed to. He does very little of the housework, unless begged, then demands "credit" for his work. He is back to removing money from the bank for his "needs" without telling me, so I'm always worried about the account. We are already pretty poor, and the bills haven't even arrived yet for the treatment. I know what he's saying these past few days is under the influence, but it's hard to hear all over again, after thinking that just maybe rehab. had worked. I also have a problem with my thinking, because every time his methods of stopping don't work, I jump to the "it's over" mode of thinking. I realize (rationally) that he can stop again, but when you're caught up in the emotions of the moment, and being talked to the way he does when he's like this, it's hard to remain rational. And I of course slip right back into my screaming banshee mode as easily as he slips back into his drunken a$$hole mode, which makes for an ugly scene! I am really trying to put him out of my mind right now, as I am obsessing over his behavior, which isn't healthy. Luckily he is working a lot (for now, anyway...until he loses this job, too???), so I can be away from him. It's like the Jekyl & Hide relationship! Anyway...thanks for any words of wisdom and for your good thoughts, 'cause I need 'em!
Barb
My AH recently went through two weeks of inpatient treatment, which, at the time, seemed like a great thing. He had lost his job, and was so depressed and drunk that he didn't know which end was up. He finally said he needed to go somewhere, so I made him make the calls to find out about the process of getting into rehab. and do the insurance stuff. He went to the ER first, and then to detox for two days. Then he waited two weeks to get into treatment. He stayed sober for those two weeks, and seemed to really be taking it seriously this time. Once in treatment, he seemed to be taking that seriously, too. Then he came home and did well for a while...about two weeks later he became depressed again...still no job, and idle time on his hands. I suspected drinking at that point, as all behaviors and appearances pointed to that. He denied. He got a job that weekend, which perked him up considerably. After the first week of work, same thing...old behaviors popped up...sleeping, computing, not communicating, avoiding meetings, etc. Still denied drinking. Then again, this past week, same behaviors came out. This time I was sure it was the vodka again, and went looking (I know, BAD habit!)...found a few bottles here and there...I cleaned up the garage (his former favorite "hiding" places) when he was at detox, so I was pretty sure I'd gotten all the bottles out. So, naturally, I believe that these bottles are "new". He still denies. He is currently sleeping in the guest room, which is still a mess from before treatment when he was hiding in there. Clothes piled everywhere. We had many ugly words over the last few days, and now I am resolved to just avoiding him while he's like this. I am sure he's drinking, but he is still denying it. But I decided that it doesn't matter if he is or he isn't drinking...this is still how he's behaving, and that's the bottom line. In the past, he has always used his drinking as an excuse for all of the nasty behaviors (looking at porn, chatting with women on the net, not bathing, obsessing at the computer, sleeping, etc.)...now with these behaviors present, he is claiming sobriety. So I asked him which lie is the truth...is it the drunk who does these things or the sober guy? He now says it's the sober guy, and he's just a jerk (my term) naturally! He's gone so far as to protect his "secret" drinking by "admitting" to being a "natural a$$hole"! I know I can't do anything about his drinking, or his behavior, but I don't have to put up with it. We are back to our old argument as to who goes and who stays...I don't want to leave my home and many pets, and don't feel I should have to. I can't afford to go somewhere else, anyway. He won't leave...says he has nowhere to go, but he could find someone to stay with if he needed to. He does very little of the housework, unless begged, then demands "credit" for his work. He is back to removing money from the bank for his "needs" without telling me, so I'm always worried about the account. We are already pretty poor, and the bills haven't even arrived yet for the treatment. I know what he's saying these past few days is under the influence, but it's hard to hear all over again, after thinking that just maybe rehab. had worked. I also have a problem with my thinking, because every time his methods of stopping don't work, I jump to the "it's over" mode of thinking. I realize (rationally) that he can stop again, but when you're caught up in the emotions of the moment, and being talked to the way he does when he's like this, it's hard to remain rational. And I of course slip right back into my screaming banshee mode as easily as he slips back into his drunken a$$hole mode, which makes for an ugly scene! I am really trying to put him out of my mind right now, as I am obsessing over his behavior, which isn't healthy. Luckily he is working a lot (for now, anyway...until he loses this job, too???), so I can be away from him. It's like the Jekyl & Hide relationship! Anyway...thanks for any words of wisdom and for your good thoughts, 'cause I need 'em!
Barb
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Ah, screaming banshee mode.
I remember that.
I was pretty good at it, as I recall.
It's hard not to get caught up in the emotions of the moment.
It's hard not to react when they spew drunken venom at you.
There are those who say "that's just the liquor talking".
And it is, but that liquor talks some mean sh*t most of the time.
This is where detachment comes in.
And that is a learned process.
You have to create a buffer between him and you.
One way I have heard this described is "think of it as a warm blanket of every good wish sent your way, wrapping you up in serenity."
Don't hear his words, hear the "blah, blah, blah" of the adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons.
I did this with Spicoli one night and laughed myself silly.
He couldn't understand why I was laughing while he was yelling at me.
It was kind of fun, actually.
My point is, we are only drawn into their melodrama if we allow ourselves to be.
I remember that.
I was pretty good at it, as I recall.
It's hard not to get caught up in the emotions of the moment.
It's hard not to react when they spew drunken venom at you.
There are those who say "that's just the liquor talking".
And it is, but that liquor talks some mean sh*t most of the time.
This is where detachment comes in.
And that is a learned process.
You have to create a buffer between him and you.
One way I have heard this described is "think of it as a warm blanket of every good wish sent your way, wrapping you up in serenity."
Don't hear his words, hear the "blah, blah, blah" of the adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons.
I did this with Spicoli one night and laughed myself silly.
He couldn't understand why I was laughing while he was yelling at me.
It was kind of fun, actually.
My point is, we are only drawn into their melodrama if we allow ourselves to be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: MN
Posts: 29
Thanks, Gabe! I'll especially remember and use the Charlie Brown "blah blah blah" thing! What a hoot! Your words made me feel better! I'll try not to buy into too much of the drama here! THANKS!
Barb
Barb
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