Confession
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Confession
I'm very confused and suspect this is going to be long.
As you know, I live with an ABF. It's over, in my heart I know that this is a good as it's ever going to be and it's just not good enough, not by a long shot. I'm making plans and will figure out if I want him to leave or if I am the one that's leaving.
Have you ever noticed that when you are reasonably happy in a relationship that other men (for the most part) leave you alone? They simply sense or smell or something that you are "taken". The only time I get hit on is when I am out with my friends and mad as hell at the BF. In the almost 3 years we've been together I've never paid any attention to any other men. First of all I've always just thought it was wrong and to be honest, I'd be the one to forget names!
On Tuesday evenings I teach for a local non-profit. There are lots of us, one is a guy who I've considered an aquaintance...a nice friendly aquaintance.
Tuesday he says, "Have you seen Finding Neverland?" I said no. He then says, "you want to see it with me tomorrow?" And without missing a beat I said, "I'd love to." Gulp!
So yesterday we went to a matinee. I'd forgotten how wonderful it feels to have a man put his hand on the small of your back when you enter a doorway and the quiet thrill of having a man tenderly take your hand and guide you through a darkened theatre. He was kind, he was a gentleman and was great company.
The movie was wonderful. Then we went for coffee, we sat and talked, he drove me home. Today he called and said, "how about dinner tomorrow?" and dumb me again said, "I'd love to."
I've decided to tell this man the truth tomorrow about the fact that I am still involved with another. That seems only fair. But, this has both good and bad feelings. I am still struggling with the feeling of "cheating" and yet inside this 50-mumble-something woman lies a young girls' heart...that did a bit of skipping yesterday.
Thoughts? Am I nuts?
As you know, I live with an ABF. It's over, in my heart I know that this is a good as it's ever going to be and it's just not good enough, not by a long shot. I'm making plans and will figure out if I want him to leave or if I am the one that's leaving.
Have you ever noticed that when you are reasonably happy in a relationship that other men (for the most part) leave you alone? They simply sense or smell or something that you are "taken". The only time I get hit on is when I am out with my friends and mad as hell at the BF. In the almost 3 years we've been together I've never paid any attention to any other men. First of all I've always just thought it was wrong and to be honest, I'd be the one to forget names!
On Tuesday evenings I teach for a local non-profit. There are lots of us, one is a guy who I've considered an aquaintance...a nice friendly aquaintance.
Tuesday he says, "Have you seen Finding Neverland?" I said no. He then says, "you want to see it with me tomorrow?" And without missing a beat I said, "I'd love to." Gulp!
So yesterday we went to a matinee. I'd forgotten how wonderful it feels to have a man put his hand on the small of your back when you enter a doorway and the quiet thrill of having a man tenderly take your hand and guide you through a darkened theatre. He was kind, he was a gentleman and was great company.
The movie was wonderful. Then we went for coffee, we sat and talked, he drove me home. Today he called and said, "how about dinner tomorrow?" and dumb me again said, "I'd love to."
I've decided to tell this man the truth tomorrow about the fact that I am still involved with another. That seems only fair. But, this has both good and bad feelings. I am still struggling with the feeling of "cheating" and yet inside this 50-mumble-something woman lies a young girls' heart...that did a bit of skipping yesterday.
Thoughts? Am I nuts?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Great Britain
Posts: 138
walkingtheline,you said..."I'd forgotten how wonderful it feels to have a man put his hand on the small of your back when you enter a doorway and the quiet thrill of having a man tenderly take your hand and guide you through a darkened theatre". After reading this..my heart speeded up! I too..had forgotten what this would be like. I'd probably be doing the same thing. After being married to a AH for over 5 years...the drinking...lack of companship and the loneliness. Having the attention of a gentleman. I would be in a state of shock. I too...am a 50 something woman with a young girls heart.
Don't think you are nuts. It is wise to tell this man you are in a relationship. Lying will get you no...where. You said that you are leaving present relationship...its over..in your heart.
Thank you for being brave enough to post this. OH what I would give for this to happen to me!! Know its probably wrong..but the heart skipping a beat or two is nice thoughts.
Don't think you are nuts. It is wise to tell this man you are in a relationship. Lying will get you no...where. You said that you are leaving present relationship...its over..in your heart.
Thank you for being brave enough to post this. OH what I would give for this to happen to me!! Know its probably wrong..but the heart skipping a beat or two is nice thoughts.
Last edited by bluester; 02-11-2005 at 05:09 AM.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Are you nuts?Of course not.;lonely,hurt and confused,.Long time since another has really paid attention to you....Your very vulerable,at this point.Being honest makes one feel a whole lot better.Nothing to hide.No worrying about if someone,tell another something.No pointing fingers that i may be cheating while still in some kind of relationship.I know that i want others to respect me.Therefore i give respect to others too.Clean cut from the relationship,leaves no guilt feelings,remorse behind me.Im free..When in a new relationship this,new partener will see how i treated my last relationship too.And if im dating while still in a commited relationship,{even when im making plans to leave,but havent left yet}they will wonder,,will she do this to me to,at some point,if she is not happy anymore,with us??Easy does it...These are just my "opinions",here....just my thoughts.
Ugh!
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
I dunno, I may have a twisted outlook on this so forgive me if you think I'm wacko...
I WISH this would have happend to me while the AH was still an ABF! I don't believe you have a lifetime commitment to anyone while you are not married to them. And if you are just living together and the relationship has gone downhill, he knows it, the probablity that you will find another partner is very great. I would be honest with the new relationship he may give you a new perspective on things.
You know in your heart what is the right way to approach this, I wish you the best and a life without the AH in the future!
Hugs,
~Faithchaser
I WISH this would have happend to me while the AH was still an ABF! I don't believe you have a lifetime commitment to anyone while you are not married to them. And if you are just living together and the relationship has gone downhill, he knows it, the probablity that you will find another partner is very great. I would be honest with the new relationship he may give you a new perspective on things.
You know in your heart what is the right way to approach this, I wish you the best and a life without the AH in the future!
Hugs,
~Faithchaser
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
This is so unbelievable that you posted this today! I was just telling my friend for the FIRST time ever - ever told to anyone, but lately now that I know it is over with my AH - I have started noticing other men, or noticing them checking me out, or whatever. My whole married life, I never even noticed what a man looked liked, etc... I know just what you mean. But, it's like when you make that emmotional switch - all the sudden you become aware of other men again!!! Similar story - a guy I know wants to go play raquetball, and i've always said "no" or "maybe sometime" - purely thinking in terms of friends, but still feeling like it might be a bit inappropriate being married. But, the other day he brought it up again teasing me - and I said "name the day". I have to say - I'm happy for you...I really, really am...I think we all deserve those feelings and to be loved and appreciated... I've done the 'invisible' thing for too long now... and I wont do it again! Yay for you!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Also don't forget that in the beginning of a new reolationship the best possible manners are usually presented. You could be getting into an even worse situation than you are in now.
I am hoping that you will take it very slow with this new person because you have not had time to regain your bearings you are not even offically broke up are you?
I am hoping that you will take it very slow with this new person because you have not had time to regain your bearings you are not even offically broke up are you?
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
WTL,
I met my beloved husband at the tail end of a 2 yr. relationship with the ABF. I initiated the contact via a singles personal site that a friend introduced me to. I told H what was happening at the time, that I was in the process of breaking it off, and there were some concerns on his part as to whether he wanted to get involved with anything "crazy" (which it was thanks to the ABF's active alcoholism).
What resulted was I met a man who helped me learn to accept forgiveness. To learn to let go of the root and trust in both my HP and in other people. To be honest and let go of the many, many fears that I carried with me on a daily basis. Today I have the healthiest, most mature relationship I've ever had to date. And it all started at the most chaotic time of my life.
The one thing that I know made the difference is that I wanted a better, calmer, quieter, stable life. And I worked at it. I had to work very hard to not go back to the old life and try to "help" the ABF. I unplugged the phone and changed both my mobile and phone numbers - twice - to cut off all contact. And it was the right thing to do. In my case the ABF was never going to give me permission to leave him. He was never going to accept it and be okay with it. He would say he would then call at all hours of the day (home, work, home), come my the gym to "talk", email hateful things, and as long as I didn't respond he would leave me alone. I admit that I stumbled a few times, felt sorry/guilty and let my guard down and when I did the ABF came back like a bulldog.
But it is two years later and my life is more than what I could have ever imagined. I have a loving, kind, caring, sober husband. A job that is providing the means for me to plan to change careers and for us to renovate our home. Friendships that I am building and strengthening. And a sense of peace that stays around way more than ever in the past.
Trust that your HP has a plan and that the timetable isn't necessarily going to be one that you would have picked. Be honest with yourself. Look at your list of characteristics and "must haves" that you want from a relationship and see how this person stacks up.
Let go of the root and trust that you're learning how to make better decisions. Trust your HP and yourself.
Peace,
Petunia
I met my beloved husband at the tail end of a 2 yr. relationship with the ABF. I initiated the contact via a singles personal site that a friend introduced me to. I told H what was happening at the time, that I was in the process of breaking it off, and there were some concerns on his part as to whether he wanted to get involved with anything "crazy" (which it was thanks to the ABF's active alcoholism).
What resulted was I met a man who helped me learn to accept forgiveness. To learn to let go of the root and trust in both my HP and in other people. To be honest and let go of the many, many fears that I carried with me on a daily basis. Today I have the healthiest, most mature relationship I've ever had to date. And it all started at the most chaotic time of my life.
The one thing that I know made the difference is that I wanted a better, calmer, quieter, stable life. And I worked at it. I had to work very hard to not go back to the old life and try to "help" the ABF. I unplugged the phone and changed both my mobile and phone numbers - twice - to cut off all contact. And it was the right thing to do. In my case the ABF was never going to give me permission to leave him. He was never going to accept it and be okay with it. He would say he would then call at all hours of the day (home, work, home), come my the gym to "talk", email hateful things, and as long as I didn't respond he would leave me alone. I admit that I stumbled a few times, felt sorry/guilty and let my guard down and when I did the ABF came back like a bulldog.
But it is two years later and my life is more than what I could have ever imagined. I have a loving, kind, caring, sober husband. A job that is providing the means for me to plan to change careers and for us to renovate our home. Friendships that I am building and strengthening. And a sense of peace that stays around way more than ever in the past.
Trust that your HP has a plan and that the timetable isn't necessarily going to be one that you would have picked. Be honest with yourself. Look at your list of characteristics and "must haves" that you want from a relationship and see how this person stacks up.
Let go of the root and trust that you're learning how to make better decisions. Trust your HP and yourself.
Peace,
Petunia
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Good reminder, Splendra
Trust me, I am a bigger believer in "once burned, twice shy". I will do my best to not do anything stupid or rash.
I know very little about this man. Our conversations were pleasant but superficial...and I didn't even offer a kiss good night. It was just nice. I am looking forward to learning more, but who knows if I'll like what I find? Only time will be a good judge of that.
My main focus should be in getting out of what I'm in and getting reaquainted with me.
I need to thank all of you. This is such a touchy subject, where else could I turn and basically say, "I'm cheating on the man I live with" and not be greeted with a) shock and or b) someone with a hidden agenda who couldn't wait to speed dial my ABF! I appreciate all your comments and suggestions, it's truly wonderful to have a safe place to express things.
You are all :Terrific
I know very little about this man. Our conversations were pleasant but superficial...and I didn't even offer a kiss good night. It was just nice. I am looking forward to learning more, but who knows if I'll like what I find? Only time will be a good judge of that.
My main focus should be in getting out of what I'm in and getting reaquainted with me.
I need to thank all of you. This is such a touchy subject, where else could I turn and basically say, "I'm cheating on the man I live with" and not be greeted with a) shock and or b) someone with a hidden agenda who couldn't wait to speed dial my ABF! I appreciate all your comments and suggestions, it's truly wonderful to have a safe place to express things.
You are all :Terrific
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: the verge
Posts: 20
Maybe, it's not wise to start a relationship right now, but I don't think there is anything wrong with somone making you feel! I have been with my AB for over four years and I never looked at another man. But, after a while you get so tired of being neglected and coming in second to a freakin' bottle of booze.I know I crave the little things like the touch of a hand on my waist. Or a light kiss without the reek of alcohol. I may not endorse cheating, but I do understand the desire for something or someone that can make me feel again.
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