daisy45

until recently i didn't know anything about dealing with drug addicts. now that i do i'm struggling to deal with my emotions. i've just ended a relationship with my alcoholic and cocaine addicted boyfriend. i was his biggest enabler. I didn't know any better at the time. but now that I realize that I was his enabler I am riddled with massive amounts of guilt. along with supporting him, i was also the one who bought him his cocaine. i didn't know he was an addict. i thought we were just recreational users. please help me. I feel so guilty for not knowing enough beforehand to NOT be an enabler. I feel ashamed for being his enabler. is that right? should I? Also, he hates me and blames me for all his problems. he says i was a poison in his life. I know that this is his coping mechanism, to demonize the one closest to him, but is that going to go away? when he sobers up, is he going to realize that he was wrong to hate me? I know I was wrong to enable his addictions but they WERE there before i met him. it not fair of him to hate me. it hurts me that he does. I need to know, traditionally with addicts, do they come around eventually and admit that they were wrong to hate you? Also, he has yet to admit to either of his addictions. but i know now from his friends that he was a coke addict before i met him and since our break up 2 weeks ago he claims that his life it great now and he's drug free. for a year i saw him exhibit classic addict behavior but now he claims not to be? can you be a part-time addict? is he really clean? i am so confused.

splendra

Whoa Daisy!!!!

Welcome to Sober Recovery.....

It is not your fault that your ex b/f is an addict. If he is clean than good.....and so what....

If he hates you that is his problem. GEEEEEEEZ Give yourself a break. The more you worry about him the less you are going to be able to make good choices for yourself.

Try to relax make yourself comfortable and read around here

Gabe

Oh Daisy, if there was one thing "traditional" about addicts, this would all be so much easier.
First of all, quit feeling guilty about what you have done.
It's in the past.
It's over.
Nothing you can do to change it.
Also, you didn't do anything that you did with malice or intending to harm.
God knows, we Codies are always trying to help, even though it sometimes backfires terribly on us.
Is he going to blame you forever?
He might.
Until he gets real about where the blame really lies, he just might.
The question is, are you going to take the blame?
My suggestion is...don't.
It's not your fault, he would just like you to believe that it is.
That makes him blameless and the victim of your attempts to "help".
Now, about that "help".
Time to help yourself, not him.
Shift your focus on ways to make your life better, one step at a time.

benefits

Daisey,
My story is almost an exact carbon copy of your's (except I never bought the drugs for my ex). My ex claims he doesn't have a problem with drinking and claims he only did the cocaine the times that I can prove he did it. He also claims that he doesn't drink or do drugs anymore because he doesn't have to now that we aren't together because he is so much happier. In the beginning I almost believed that and I started to question myself. Maybe I really was all those things he told me I was. Well it took a little while but I realized it was not me it was him. I also don't think he has quit drinking or using. In my opinion you can't just turn something like that off. Like you, I was also told how much my ex hates me. The reason mine hates me is because I was "in his business". Well I will give him that to an extent - I was very concerned about him and I talked to his sister one time because I was worried. Is that reason to hate me?? I don't think so.
I know it is hard because I still think about my ex and I wonder what is going on in his life but you need to realize that you are not to blame and you are not as bad as he says you are. And deep down he probably doesn't really mean those things he said anyway. For some reason I think it makes them feel better to make us feel bad. It takes the blame away from them. There is a part of me that is still waiting for him to call and apologize for all the nasty things he has said and done to me - I doubt that it will ever happen but there is a little part of me that wishes it would. I think you feel the same way. Be strong and move on, it does get better.

FaithChaser

Noticed something in your post that was slightly disturbing to me: "i was also the one who bought him his cocaine. i didn't know he was an addict. i thought we were just recreational users." Nobody does a drug that can kill you as a recreational hobby. I say that as someone who has been clean from using cocaine for 12 years now.

I'm saying this with the risk of being yelled at...
I wouldn't say that you were an enabler, but just being brought down by the disease of addiction at the same time.... It's a tricky disease and it's much easier to blame someone else than take responsiblity for what you do to yourself. You never made him take any drugs. Like a wise person on here once said to me, "you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink."
Keep learning about the disease of addiction, if he has quit using or not I know is important to you because you obviously care about him, but a lot of time when people are in the process of getting clean, or trying to change, they have to drop all the people in their lives that they were acquainted with and that they did any drug use with. Not only because of the drugs, but because of the dynamics of the relationship between the people. All of the relationships of an addict are sick. When I quit using I didn't speak even to my non-using friends for over a year. I needed the space to be able to change myself. After that year was over some of the old freindships picked up again, and were much healthier and better for the time apart.

Good luck to you,
~Faithchaser

nocellphone

My Al-Anon sponsor often reminds me that "if we knew better, we'd do better". And when I do know better, it becomes my responsibility to act more healthily.

In situations such as yours, that's usually the first reaction. Try to keep in mind that feelings aren't facts. That guilt is not yours to own.

Oh, narcotics can be "recreational"...? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Like, say, volleyball?

Never having been in such an insane situation before, how could anyone expect you to know how to behave? With alcoholism and other addictions, the usual rules go out the window... or up the nose... or in the vein...

That would be the coke.

Sometimes, sometimes not. The key is how much energy you're willing to invest in that outcome. For me, that energy is better spent on healthier pursuits. Other people's opinions of me are truly none of my business.

Can you be a little bit pregnant?

Stick around, Daisy, and keep coming back. You've found a good place.

Al-Anon may help:

http://alanon.org/meetings/meeting.html

If you're also choosing cocaine over volleyball at this point, Narcotics Anonymous might help as well:

http://www.na.org/

daisy45

thank you all for your help. this site is such an amazing thing. So glad I found it. Benefits especially, thank you. there's just something so helpful to have someone tell you stuff when you know that they KNOW what you are going through. Stay strong, it passes. I can feel it fading with every day.