Shel

yes Jessica I do agree.......although with the law on him now I know he is not .....but you are right the accuactions I may have been throwing around were not always correct either.......

dax

I have never cared if I drank or not- although now when we go out and am not working that night, I might have a frozen margarita. 26 years ago when my husband stopped drinking, I asked if if would bother him if I drank. He said it would not bother him. However I didn't drink for maybe 3 or 4 years. It was such a blessing to have him sober, I just thought if might make his life a little easier. So I didn't. If it had bothered him, I certainly would never had had a drink. But I wanted this man SOBER- our marriage was hanging by a thread.
It would be harder for me to give up candy- and he is pre diabetic. This I won't do. dax

FormerDoormat

First of all LadyAngola, can I ask you to stop typing in all caps? I'm getting to be an old gal, and it's difficult for me to read (I really need those ascending and descending characters).

Now, onto the business at hand. I feel compelled to join in on this discussion because I am an addict of another type and I wouldn't dream of asking my family, friends, coworkers, or the world to change their behavior to help me in my recovery. You see, I'm a life-time overeater. I have fought the battle of the buldge my entire life. And believe me, obesity is an uphill battle.

About 10 years ago, when my life became so unmanageable (for me that meant I'd become huge, I found it hard to move, I couldn't find nice clothes to wear, or bend over easily to tie my shoes), I finally decided to change. And so began my journey to stop abusing food, learn how to be comfortable with my body no matter what it's form, and take the steps needed for me to become healthy. The end result of this effort (and more exercise and dieting than most folks could ever comprehend) was me loosing 150 lbs. Yes, I lost an entire person.

Now, obviously the world isn't going to stop eating because I have a problem with food, and I wouldn't dream of asking others to change their lives to accomodate my recovery. That just isn't realistic and it simply isn't going to happen.

The truth is when you've finally become sick and tired of being sick and tired and you've truly decided that you no longer want to allow your addiction to control your life, it should not matter one bit how other folks behave. Once I was determined to overcome my food addiction, it simply didn't matter what other folks were eating in front of me. Cheesecake, cookies, ice cream, pizza, hamburgers and fries....they could freely indulge in those treats right in front of me and it would not make me waiver from my resolve to lose weight for even an instant. See, my resolve to overcome my addiction came from within, so outside forces had no bearing on my recovery.

I fully realized that if I were to stay thin that I could no longer eat like that. But why would I expect others to change the way they choose to live their lives? If they were thin and could eat forever and not gain a pound, I was not jealous. If they were overweight and I felt I could share my successful plan for overcoming obesity with them, I didn't impose my will on them nor offer advice unless they solicited it. My will to overcome my addiction to food was so strong that no outside factors could influence my recovery. I wanted my addiction to end, and I had the power to end it. And once I reached this level of resolve, NOTHING had the power to make me relapse. I had taken control of my life, so watching others indulge in food wasn't difficult, painful, or uncomfortable in the least.

Actually, I've now witnessed two types of addiction: mine (food) and my boyfriend's (alcohol). It may actually be easier to overcome alcoholism than food addiction, because an alcoholic can choose to abstain from their substance of choice completely and for life. But I obviously can't abstain from food for life. So every day, I have to find the inner strength to stop eating when I've eaten a healthy amount. Would I love to throw caution to the wind and eat an entire cheesecake? Yup. Do I think of food every waking moment? Yup. Do I want to give in to my addiction and become the person I once was? No, no, no, NEVER. That's what keeps me strong. That's what keeps me resolved. Winning the battle over addiction is all about me. It simply doesn't matter what others do or how they behave.

It's totally unrealistic to think the rest of the world must change their behavior simply because I struggle with overeating. It's my struggle, not theirs. When I'm at a party and my plate is filled with fresh veggies and fruit and I look at other folks' plates filled with unhealthy treats, I don't resent their choices one bit. I have no control over the choices that others make, but I certainly have control over the choices I make.

Now I turn the floor back to you....

JennyK

Not Lady Angola, but I am just blown away by your post. And I think from a non-addict point of view, THAT is how my husband has expressed it to me. It is all about HIM and his decision and resolve.

Brava to you!

Jenny

LADYANGOLA

OBVIOUSLY..THERE HAVE BEEN MANY OPIONS ON THIS POST...BUT I THINK THE POINT WAS MADE EARLIER..BY THE ORIGINATOR THAT THERE IS MORE GOING ON IN THIS SITUATION..THAN..WHO DRINKS WHEN OR WHER...HOWEVER TO SAY THAT AN ALCHOLIC...HAS AN EASIER TIME THAN AN OVER EATER IS SO UN TRUE..FOR YOUR INFO AN ALCOHOLIC DOESN'T JUST CHOICE TO STOP DRINKING FOR GOOD AS YOU PUT IT...THERE IS A LOT MORE TO RECOVERY THAN THE STOPPING OF THE DRINKING...IF THAT WAS THE CASE THERE WOULD BE NO RELAPES...ANYONE WHO IS IN ALCOHOL RECOVERY WILL TELL YOU IT IS ABOUT SO MUCH MORE ..YOU DON'T JUST GET SICK OF BEING A DRUNK..ONE DAY..AND STOP DRINKING AS YOU PUT IT ....DID YOUR OVER EATING CAUSE WITHDRAWAL PAINS SO BAD YOU WOULD HVE GLADLY DIED...DI IT CAUSE MORAL SHAME AT THINGS YOU HAVE DONE..EMBARRSEMENT TO YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE ..HOW ABOUT ENDANGERING THE LIFE OF OTHERS(BY DUI)...POSSIBLE ARREST..ALL THESE THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WITH ALCOHOLISM...NOW I KNOW FOOD ADDICTION IS VERY DIFFICULT AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO THOSE WHO SUFFER..AND I DO HAVE COMPASSION FOR ALL I WOULD NOT INVITE A FOOD JUNKIE TO AN ALL YOU CAN EAT DINER...WHY??WHY WOULD I KNOWINLY HURT SOMEONE ELSE IF I COULD AVOID IT??BUT BACK TO THIS POST...TRY READING THE PARTS WHERE SHE STATES THERE ARE OTHER ISSUES HERE..IT IS NOT EVEN ABOUT THE ALCOHOL..IT IS ABOUT BEING CONTROLING AND HURTFUL...SO THAT SHOULD JUST ABOUT COVER IT...I HAVE GREAT COMPASSION FOR ALL THOSE FIGHTING ADDICTION AND THOSE TRYING TO LIVE W/THOSE WHO ARE...NO ADDICTION IS EASIER TO OVER COME THAN ANOTHER..THEY ARE ALL CRIPPLING..AND TAKE THE HUMAN SPIRIT DOWN...HOWEVER HOPEFULLY WITH SUPPORT FOR ALL..AND TREATMENT AND WORKING..EACH DAY...YOU CAN FIND YOUR WAY OUT FROM OTHER THE PAIN..AND REBUIKLD ...THAT IS THE BEST WE CAN ALL HOPE FOR...AFETER ALL WE ARE ALL JUST TRYING TO MAKE THE BEST OUT OF THIS THING CALLED LIFE...GOD BLESS ALL...

LADYANGOLA

PLEASE READ ALL POST THIS COVERSATION HAS SO MUCH...TO READ..AND WE ALL WIS SHEL THE VERY BEST AND HOPE SHE SEES HER WAY THROUGH...THANKS :mad1:

LADYANGOLA

..SHELL WE ALL UNDERSTAND THAT ALOT IS GOING ON...ADDICTION IS VERY COMPLICATED AND DIFFERNT FOR ALL...THANK YOU FOR YOUR POST BEST OF LUCK..

FormerDoormat

Ok, I'm going to jump in one more time and then I'm out of here because obviously we don't agree. First of all, let me ask you, is your shift key stuck? I implore you to stop typing in all caps. It is very difficult to read. Second of all, let me address a few items you threw at me:

I guess you're under the impression that alcoholism is more difficult or painful to overcome than food addiction. But you're wrong. Obviously, I didn't just decide to stop eating one day and my problem was resolved. Like I stated previously, I hit my bottom and decided that my life had become unmanageable. What difference does it make if my "bottom" was a "large bottom," that is, an inability to control how much I ate or if your bottom was your inability to control how much you drank? We both got to a point where our lives were unmanageable. And it may come as a surprise to you (though I don't know why), but overeaters are QUITE PRONE to relapses.

I guess you really just don't understand. I didn't just decide to stop eating one day and my problem was resolved. If you think a gal can just choose to lose 150 pounds overnight and not do intense work to achieve that goal, then you'd be wrong again. Food addiction is not just about food, just like alcohol addiction is not just about alcohol. Now, onto some of your other questions: Did trying to take control of my overeating cause me withdrawal pains so bad I would have gladly died? The answer is YES. Did it cause me moral shame? YES. Did it cause my family shame? YES. Did it cause embarrassment to those I love? YES, YES, YES.

Food addiction endangers my life and if left unchecked, causing me an early death, the lives of my family as well. But I do see one difference, while I'm not at risk of being arrested for a DUI, I might be arrested for driving under the influence of a double-stuffed oreo.

Unless you've walked a mile in my shoes, it's unfair of you to make light of my addiction. I shared my story in hopes that it may help the original poster draw her own conclusions on whether or not it's OK to drink in front of a recovering alcoholic. I didn't share my story to have others make light of my problem. If you think what I've shared is unimportant or not useful, then take what you want and leave the rest. And although I can take a beating like a real trooper, I'd rather not receive one in this forum.

LADYANGOLA

well that's it for me...you win...hope you are happy now...

Aquiana

When my Abf quit drinking for a few months I did my best to try not to drink around him. For me, alcohol was not important enough to jeopardize his sobriety... but... If his sobriety was jeopardized it wouldn't have been my fault at all. Does that make sense? In other words it's his decision to quit drinking and his decision to start again. Really my not drinking was just to deflect my being his excuse. If you feel like having a couple when you're out I say go ahead. Really it shouldn't matter if everyone else in the world does if it's really in his heart to quit. When I quit smoking about a year ago it didn't matter if people did it around me, they all did. It didn't matter, it was still my decision whether I wanted to puff along with them or not. Life goes on all around you and that's it. It doesn't stop because you decide to quit something. I'd say make the decision for yourself. He's going to have to make his.

As far as this discussion about addictions go I think all addictions are about the same as far as how hard they are to quit. Whether it be food, alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, t.v., whatever. It's still something you feel you NEED to do. It would be nice if you could just remove that need from your head with one great knock but unfortunately it just rarely goes that way. From a smoker's, (who has tried to quit and failed 4 times through no fault but her own) point of view I applaud anyone who can beat one.

JessicaNAJ

((((FormerDoormat))))

I'm glad you shared your story - it was very insightful for me.

Shel

Thank you for sharing....you all have helped me......as it turns out I did go out with friends and had a few beers......came home went to bed and have gone on with my usual tasks of the weekend. The comment that he made was "you smelled like a brewrey when you came home".....I said nothing. As I am sure that was his way to "start something" I was not going to engage in that conversation as I am sure most of you are well aware ...how many times could i say that about him? LOL (and of course didn't.) Rest of the weekend was a good one.....hope you all had a nice weekend and will have (or are having ) a nice Valentine's day!!!

equus

I made the decision to stop while my husband doesn't drink and I'm VERY happy with that decsion. I agree it's his issue and his responsibility but as in the quote above - I'm addicted to smoking and I KNOW it helps that he's stopping that with me.

There is so little I can do to help that I relish this small thing. It's been a learning experience for me too, especially socially going through telling people I don't drink and learning to loosen up the way I did as a child long before I knew or wanted alcohol in order to party!! He never asked me to give up with him - I offered long before he made his own decsion.

I used to think I enjoyed a 'glass or two', I wondered if it would be hard even though it's never been a problem but in reality it's been extremely easy (apart from explaining why!!). I don't really want it anymore, I want it less and less as time goes by.

On the anger front I remember someone saying anger only ever comes from hurt, fear, or frustration. I know for myself that this is true - it doesn't justify it but I can't think of a time I've been angry where none of these three feelings have been at the root of it. The anger, arguments and the way you resolve them must be as important to your relationship as the alcohol? What I mean is maybe HOW you sort this out between you might be as important as the decsion you make whether or not to drink.

whiston

Just because your other half is an alcoholic, does not mean that you have to stop drinking. There is a big difference. I agree that it is incorrect to drink in front of him or have alcohol in the house, but come on folks, get real - we people who like to socialise, occasionally like a drink and why should their 'disease' infect you? Just be considerate in the process of living your own life.

ahcb

Hey all,

Well since everyone else has let me throw my 2 cents in. When My wife stopped I wondered about that also. We do not have alcohol in the house, Nor will I drink when out with her at a spot where alcohol is available. Why? Simply my way of supporting her. On new years eve we went to a friends house she met in AA. Another AA member also was present. 3 A's and 3 spouses. I was surprised when I was offered a drink. The house we were at had Alcohol even though one in the marriage had a problem.

My Point?It Is simply i do not believe there is a "correct" answer. What works for us may not work for you and vice a versa. Will I drink when I travel on business etc, sometimes. I also think it is ARROGANT to lecture anyone about the right way to do it when in fact there is no right way. Easier way? Perhaps..Compromise? perhaps but not RIGHT or Wrong.

Shel figure what works for you and go with that.

Shel

yes I have figured that ......there is no easy answer and although situations may be similar the answer is not always the same!

what I have found also though is living with an "A" things can be changed daily and the same answer doesn't always apply!

again I thank you all for your responses and experience it has helped me tremendously!

nocellphone

I never had much of a taste for alcohol (actually, more of a repulsion).

I stopped putting alcohol in my system when I realized that alcohol is poisonous when put into the human body. A hangover is simply a mild case of alcohol poisoning. Why would I want to subject my body to that sort of trauma?

I wouldn't sprinkle just a little strychnine on my pasta; I'm not having a glass of wine with dinner.