stilltrying

I don't even know where to post this so I thought that I would post here. I posted yesterday that I had gone to an AA meeting not totally convinced that I am an alkie, however, certainly recognizing that I don't like the affect of alcohol on my decisions or actions. I have been posting mostly on the Friend and Families Board because I definately know that I have codependence issues and I have lived with a recovering alcoholic for the past 10 years (My husband is two years into recovery). Anyway...I am really trying for the first time in my life to sort through some of my issues and become a healthier happier person. As a means to do that I sent my husband an e-mail letter the other day for once leaving myself vulnerable, however, really just stating how I was feeling about our relationship at this point (we are recovering from an affair that he had in AA a couple of months ago). This morning....he commented on the letter saying that I was obviously looking for sympathy, that he felt the letter was a cry for help and that it sounded like alcoholic behaviour to him (I told him that as long as the girl that he was having an affair with continued to attend our church, I felt it best for me to find another congregation). He said that running from my problems was typical alcoholic behaviour and that I don't have any control over what has happened or over her and the fact that she continues to attend our church. I am so confused....I certainly didn't think that this letter was a way of getting sympathy or a "cry for help"...I felt that for the first time I was able to express my emotions. He said that I make everything SO dramatic....Is this typical alkie behaviour....or is it that I do in fact have strong emotions...happy....sad....hurt....etc???? I almost feel like he WANTS me to be an alcoholic and is trying to convince me that I am. He certainly makes me 2nd guess myself at every turn. Any input would be much appreciated.!

minnie

Stilltrying.

Can you give up alcohol for a month? That may help you with the alkie question.

I am a little worried that your husband is more concerned with taking your inventory, rather than respecting your feelings. Even if your letter was a cry for help, it seems like he wasn't listening, only judging.

Maybe he does want you to be an A - that way, all the mess that has been created by him can shared between you and he can pass on a bit of blame to you.

Are you going to Al-anon meetings? They have helped me get some perspective on big issues like this.

Take care

Love

Minnie
xxx

walkingtheline

It doesn't matter a tinker's damn what we think...hahaha...is your use of alcohol having a negative effect on you and your life?

I think you should read all you can, find some meetings where you can talk with others and then decide from a position of knowledge.

This site has been so helpful to me, I hope you find it as helpful.

stilltrying

Yes...I can quit drinking for a month. Yes...I am going to Al-anon and that has helped alot. He called me a little while ago and I again explained to him that I was not asking for him to agree with me....just VALIDATE my emotions. I guess what bothers me the most is that YES I struggle with self-esteem and self-confidence but I don't think that makes me an ALKIE....he seems to think that it does. You know Minnie...I like what you said about him wanting me to be an A so that some of the blame can be shared by me, however, through Al-anon I have learned that I deserve some of the blame for the state of chaos our home was in and I have certainly taken my share of blame for that......Thanks for the responses!

minnie

Maybe the traits that he sees as alcoholic behaviour are actually codie traits? There's another thread about this somewhere. Just because there are common denominators, doesn't mean that the causes are the same. Eg, you and I might describe a headache in the same way, but I might have PMT and you might have eye strain.

I understand what you say about sharing the blame - I've reached the same conclusions too and have forgiven myself for my part in the chaos. But that's not to say that your husband is thinking in the same way. His guilt may be causing him to be blind to some of that. Also, don't forget, As (recovering or not) are very good at projecting what they are feeling onto someone else.

I don't know you or your hubby, so I'm just throwing some stuff out there.

Love

Minnie
xxx

cwohio

stilltrying - i think too that being a codie certainly doesn't have the "label" and "stigma" of an alcoholic so i tend to agree with minnie - he wants to deload some of the guilt from himself and that is an easy way.

mind games - aren't they just too much fun?! (not)

stilltrying

I agree with both of you. I hate that I allow him to make me "second guess" myself all of the time. I am a serious CODIE for sure. Anyway....I think that the bottom line is I don't care WHAT kind of label is put on me....as long as I am happy and can find serenity. I truly don't feel like alcoholism has such a stigma....but maybe that's from living with one for so long??!!??!! Or maybe I'm fooling myself. I know that he carries around a ton of guilt from his drinking days and his recent affair....maybe he would like me to admit to being an A or something else to ease his suffering??? In any case....thanks for the comments!