gabigoo

I read these words on this site in regards to someone looking for advice on a new relationship. The person giving this advice stayed for 20 some years and finally left. Run, run far away and never look back. These words really made me think... what I am waiting for? Will my life ever get better with my AH? After 10 years together is he capable of giving me the life I want and deserve? This is obviously a question we all face and there are so many answers and options.

I then heard a story a few days later that really made me think. I was talking to a physician who was telling me this story. He had a late 70 y/o male patient call him. His wife of 50 years had died 2 weeks earlier and he was now suicidal. My first thought- how romantic- he must have really loved her. The Dr then tells me that his wife was a nightmare- constantly yelling at him- made this guys life a living hell. So now I'm thinking co-dependent- lost without her. The Dr then explains that the guy wanted to kill himself b/c he woke up and realized that he wasted his life married to this person and now that he was at the end of his life there was nothing he could do but die. I can say the man is still alive.

This all made me think. At what point do we say enough is enough? That is a rhetorical question. But I think these 2 points helped me to wake up and see that my life has not changed in the past 10 years and I am not getting any younger. I deserve more than empty promises and so do my kids. I am excited that I am in control of my future. I told my AH to leave last Monday and my life has never been calmer!

I did not write this to influence anyone to leave or stay. That is up to you! I am just curious what others think!

walkingtheline

I'm very close to running. In fact, I'm searching right now thru my brain to figure out exactly WHY I haven't made the decision!

benefits

What you wrote is so true. I made the decision to leave, we have been apart for a little over a month and things are getting much better. This is a great post it opened my eyes even more and helps me feel even stronger that my decision was the right one. I will not waste anymore of my life being unhappy.

wraybear

Gabi, i am one of those women who have lived with it for 17 years. I know some will say, "you are the only one capable of giving yourself the life you want and deserve." Well, I say, HORSE POOP! Yeah, right now that's the case because I am married to an addict - married to someone who is incapable of being a responsible 47 year old husband and father. But, I have many friends who have happy marriages, long term marriages. They each give 110%. Not 50/50 or 60/40, but 110%. It can happen. That's the way it was meant to be. But, it is a rare case for it to happen with an active A.

So, you have to live without any expectations. I can have expectations of my friends... to be on time for dinner parties... to meet me when/where they say they are... to watch my children and trust that my children are safe... to listen when I cry on their shoulder. But, I can't have those expectations of my H... that is very sad. He is the one I should be able to count on for those same things too.

I would rather have no husband than have an addict husband at this point in my life. I wish I would have made this decision 17 years ago, or 15 years ago, or 10 years ago. But, I am making that decision now. It is never too late.

Thanks for listening. I may have gotten a little off track, but that's just what happens to me sometimes!!!!!

Peaches04

Hi guys - wow, it must be something in the air - because it sounds like we are all in the same place! I told my Ah I want a divorce too after 6 years of marriage, 10 years together. But, honestly - only about the last three have been bad, thankfully. But, much of what you say is what prompted me to make the decision...I just realized that I am selling myself short. I realized that I would rather take a chance on finding someone who will love me and my children 100%, first and foremost, etc... Or I would rather be alone with my children and focusing everything on them. I have decided that I want it ALL!!!

osier59

I have told this part of my story before...

My decision became crystal clear one day when I realized that my sons were learning how to treat their wives by watching how their father treated me.

Barb

GettingFree

Gabi,

That is an amazing story that your doctor told you. It's interesting, too, how you first took it, wrapped up in a tender romantic package. It's pretty telling about the conditioning we all have.

But I want to thank you for sharing because sometimes I still look back and feel sadness for my children. Despite all my work on my co-dependence, I still wish it could have been different. I wish the dream could have been. But it wasn't. I made mistakes, many of them. And I made decisions to change. In order so I could have a better life, and give them a much better environment and a much better model of love, however late in the game. But the road there has been hell sometimes, for and for them.

But reading that made me smile and validate myself.

thankyou
gf

SBJKE32

Thank goodness for the night owls. I cannot tell you all how much I admire you all, and wish I could make that decision. I just don't know if I am doing the right thing by staying or the right thing by leaving. My AH isn't abusive, but I know the way he acts is going to reflect on my children, yet if I leave, I don't know that he wouldn't fall into this black hole and end up drinking himself to death or out on the street (I know his actions are not my responsibility) . If I stay how do I explain to my kids that I put up with everything for so long and allowed them to live in an environment like this, or if I leave how do I explain leaving him when he is sick. I just don't know what to do. How do you come to the decision? I have been living with my AH for 11 years....the last five is when the alcoholism started. I know there is a good man in there, but how long do you wait before he comes back or when do you decide enough is enough. My AH is drinking for the third night in a row, tomorrow he will be apologetic, and will tell me that is it, and things will be good for awhile, but what if they aren't? There's always a pattern, and he won't do anything for himself as far as getting help. He will probably act like he is tomorrow, but that is all it usually is...an act for my benefit, cuz he knows I am close to leaving. I just want to believe him so badly sometimes. I am so torn.

benefits

SBJKE,
I hope you find the strenght tho do what is best for you. I'll share my story adn maybe this will help you. My exAB lived together for a year and a half, luckliy we do not have any children together, I have a son from a previous marriage and he has 2 grown children. So when I first moved in with him it was platonic, we were just friends. He has a long history of drug and alcohol problems and I thought he had cleaned up his act somewhat over the years. Well he was prety wrecked by his last break up and he started the drinking - he was very close with his ex's children and he missed them and I guess he missed her even though they had a very rough relationship (on and off for about a year and a half) we would sit and talk for hours and slowly we started a relationship. And let me just say he was the one who wanted the relationship in the beginning. We would have some good days (usually week days) and some bad days (weekends). As time went on the drinking just got worse and he was also using cocaine although I don't know how much. He always had an excuse, he told me he was "jaded" from his prior relationships and that is why he would do the things he did he was afraid of getting to close because he didn't want to get hurt, etc. Well you know what that is a load of Bullsh**. I was very good to him I spend the first year of our relationship trying to prove to him I would not hurt him. I think he used the whole "jaded" thing as a way to control me so that I would not leave and I would forgive him for his going out, lack of respect for me, broken promises, etc. So things were not great for some time and then one Saturday night we were at home with my son and my son wanted to order a movie - I said no because it was almost bedtime. My ex siad I should let him get the movie because it's Saturday plus he wanted to see the movie to. So I ordered the movie. About 5 minutes into the movie he needed to go get more cigarettes. BY the way we have 2 convenience stores within a mile of our house. He left a little before 9 PM and didn't come home until 4 AM drunk of course. Well my son was so worried about him he kept asking if he was okay, he wanted to go out and look for him, I didn't get him to bed until after 11:00 (he was only 5 at the time) because he was so worried. I made my decision that night that we needed to leave and 2 weeks later we moved into our new house. When I told my ex we were leaving he was shocked - he asked me where this was coming from. Hello - was he not living with me for the past year???
Anyway, I still really wanted to make out relationship work so we continued dating after I moved out but it just got worse. It was easier for him to hide things since I was not there anymore. To make a long story not quite as long, we finally ended it all for good on New Years Day. It was rough on me but I am really moving on and I know I am better off wothout him. I wish I would have had the strength to leave the first time I thought about it it would have saved me so much heartache. There must have been about 50 times during our 2 years together that I was going to end it but then I would always lose my courage and I would go back to being his doormat again.
I'm well on my way to recovery, I do miss him but I don't miss the drama. I hope you can find the courage to do what you need to do.
I apologize for this long post.

SBJKE32

Believe me, everything helps, every story. I need this place. I hope I can find the strength someday too. It's coming, I can feel it. When he is sober, things are great, when he is drinking things are bad, so when he goes on the three day binge like he is now, everything looks bleak and I am ready to go. Then he stops, and I rethink everything I have just felt, and supress it, and forget about it until it happens again.

StandingStrong

My decision to leave had nothing to do with anyone but me. And though, for years, I wanted my AH to get out of my life, I was not strong enough to make that happen.
We hear about people hitting their "rock bottom", and for many of us, that really doesn't make sense. I had asked many people over the years how they knew it was time for a divorce, and those people told me, "they just knew"; again, making no sense to me.
For me, I did rock bottom. I then struggled through my own emotional mess and confusion to get to my final answer.
While we may all think that leaving the situation is the best thing, it may not be for everyone. While we don't/can't understand that, it seems to be the way it is.
We all have to come to our point of clarity, our own recovery, and seek the life we wish to have.
I'm glad to know though that someone has helped to open your eyes to something you may not have thought a possibilty. Made you see things in a different way. Growth is an awesome thing - but then we have to decide what to do with what we've learned from it.

cwohio

so true standing - i am at that in between point and just don't feel "ready" yet. i haven't hit my bottom yet! hang in there sbjke32 you are noy alone!

Peaches04

I agree with StandingStrong 100%. It's not an easy decision, but when it's time - you will know. When it's time, it's not about him at all (at least for me)...it's about you. It's a time when you realize that he/her is there own path, and you are responsible for yours. It's a time when you can let go with love, and wish them well, and hope and pray they find peace - like always - but, this time - you don't want them to find peace for you, because you realize only you can do that. It's a time when you realize that you deserve to be happy, and you truly understand that it's not your fault they are what they are, and that you truly can't fix them. These things are not just words and sayings anymore, they are absolute truths that you come to accept. It's when you realize life is not a trial run, and you get one shot - and you decide you want to be happy - not sometimes 'happy', not 'things have been going pretty good', not 'we're doin' okay'... but, hot damn!!! what's going to happen today!!!???

gabigoo

Thanks for all the responses! I hope my post was some food for thought! I have been doing ok with my AH not living here. I can say that things have been calmer, but I really miss my best friend. We do talk on the phone, nothing too deep but it seems that was always the best way for us to communicate. I know this sounds strange but we always have our best talks while simply laying in bed! I also think I need to be careful of self-pitying! It is so easy to say woah (sp?) is me. Anyway, thanks again for the support!

JennyK

Jumping in late for this discussion, but wanted to share my thoughts.

It never occured to me to leave him. It occured to me to prevent him from coming home.

I told him once that he was not allowed to come home drunk anymore. He did, and I let him.

I told him once that if he came home drunk again, I was taking the children and leaving for the night and he was to be moved out by morning. He heard that.

And ONLY because he was also ready to believe that.

My therapist told me that families are not individual people existing in the same house, rather they are systems. There is only so much imbalance a system can manage before it falls apart. My family was on the verge of collapse and not because of my statements or boundaries or his statements or lack of boundaries, the chaos happens in unison. My therapist says that is is fascinating to observe a family in crisis (and NOT in a good way, but as a scientific study of balance and imblance on a system).

He can screw up for years and years and years and the family manages to function. And function fairly well. Then the sability begins to falter, not due to any change in behavior of the rest of the family, but the wear and tear and weight of the damage, it begins to falter. If balance is not restored, then the unit falls. This is true of ANY structure.

I could warn by husband a million times that our structure is failing and he could not see it, his world did not include the inter workings of the family life. He did not see the damage, he could not hear the reports of malfunction....if he did hear it, he could not process it and could not realize that HIS behavior was the destructive force.

Interestingly enough, it did not take much for him to realize that his behavior and his sobriety is the key to keeping our family unit together.

I overheard his talking to my father this weekend and saying "My moment of clarity was saying Goodbye to my 4 year old son, when I thought I needed 14 days of rehab to get sober and my son saying to me 'Is this the day you have to go away Daddy?' That is the moment I visualize when I crave a beer. That is the moment of grace that is saving me from ruining all that I hold close to me. I can't do that to them, I can't do that to myself anymore. I want to be a sober man". Of course, he was crying, my father was crying and I was crying.

I am so proud of my husband and also so proud of myself for letting him realize that he is not only the key to destruction, he is also the key to restoration. I can be strong and steady. I can be that when he is drunk. I can be that when he is sober. And I will be fine. And my children will be fine. And I have no doubt that in the long run he would be fine. He is choosing right now to get healthy to save his family and to save himself. I can only pray that it continues.

Oh my...journaling in someone else's post again...sorry.

Jenny

sunshinebluesky

i think it is something in the air. because i am soooooo ready to call it quits. i have felt this way for a few days, but keep putting it off, and just staying away. we havent been together since last sunday. i just got off the computer with him and i just cant handle the stupidity the alcohol has caused. i feel bad because i was off and on with him all summer, we been back since nov., and now i have to do it again. he is stressing over some personal problems he is having, but trying to help him handle things is like talking to the wall. i feel like i am raising another kid. well, i am off to write an email draft..................................

shar6

I think after 10 years of being unhappy you should know how hard it is to run and never look back. I'm glad you made your decision Mon. and wish you the best but instead of sharing the "secret" to your success story and supporting others while they deal with being unhappy You have clearly chosen to brag about your accomplishment. I truly hope the support people in your life don't run and never look back when you need help.

To everyone else...In my experience "you" will know when enough is enough. Hopefully you will have the support I received when I needed it and the courage to help others the best you can. GOD bless you all.

journey1

I left my ah after 10years and its now been 1 year that we are apart. This last year has been the most quiet, peaceful and free time in my life. I came from alcoholic parents then married an alcoholic and for the first time I am alone with my daughter, no one to answer to, no fighting, no drinking. This is serenity. I thank god everyday for pulling me out of the gates of hell. I now have money for myself, my bills are paid, I have food in my fridge, I go on vacations and outings and when I come home it is peaceful, no worrying about if my ah is drunk, what time will he be back...... He is still in my life because he has visits with my daughter but that is just for a brief moment I see him and in that short time I see him hurting. He usually has no money for child support, he often misses a visit because he was out drunk the night before, he is dressed in the same clothes, looking poor.....This is awful to see him like this but at the same time I am grateful because if I was still with him we would be poor again, I would be searching for money for food, I wouldn't be treating myself and my daughter and he would still be living at home and continuing to drink. So for me this was the right choice to leave. And once your out, stay out. I often get lonely for him, but then I snap out of it and read posts on here and look back at my journal then I remember this is the right thing for me and my little girl.

FaithChaser

Hey, thanks for this line of posts I needed it... I just spent the weekend with a close freind while our hubbys were on business. She confessed to me that she has been thinking of leaving her hubby, not an alcoholic. I asked her what the problem was, and she said that after 20 years there is no passion, She had met a man whom is very ill in a walker at a young age, full of passion and love for her, they are just friends but she wants more with him even if it is for a week! Now I agree that no passion is a problem, but compared to my life it's a pretty small one in comparison. They have a very pretty life from the outside, make millions with their business have happy kids, a gorgeous home, travel and have everything...no passion and she's wanting out. Now this could just be a midlife crisis for her, dunno but the point is that I realized how many woman leave their marriages just because they don't work for them in much smaller ways! GEESH who'da thunk?! I've been thinking it is morally wrong for me to leave but now I'm beginning to understand that you make your life into what you think you deserve, at the time I married I don't think I understood that my life isn't for other people.
Not so long ago, I went to an alanon meeting and met a lady that had stayed with her AH for 20 years, he was going into rehab for the thrid time, she was very depressed. After the meeting was over, I had to ask her if this was always the case. She looked at me kind of puzzled and said, "Yes, from before we were married." And then I had to ask being a newby, if alanon was meant to make you stay in a marriage with an alcoholic, or to make you stronger to be able to leave... To me there is only two options... that time she had no answer. Seems to me we make our own prisons. Bottom line is that I know I'm in an unfulfilling marriage and it's not just that way to me but to him as well. He wants to work on things, but that doesn't include not drinking, but "cutting back"!?
I'm working out putting on paper what my options are and presenting them to him now with the guidence of my counselor. In the meantime, I've pretty much, with the exception of my pal that is in the process of perhaps leaving her spouse, isoloated myself from all of my friends and family I guess to clear my head and see exactly what is before me without the imput of others. It is helping for me to see things in a new light and see that I am being guided in a very WEIRD way by HP. I've given myself a deadline to get off this fence I'm on. I've felt this way now for years and I don't want this for the rest of my life! I'm paralysed here in my own prison...
Thanks for letting me babble
Love and Hugs,
~Faithchaser

gabigoo

I thought I gave enough disclaimers in my post to say that this was not to influence anyone but to simply provide some food for thought. But obviously not everyone trully understood the point of my post.

Shar6- I must say that for the first time since I have joined this site in July 2004 I am trully offended by a response. Stating that I am BRAGGING about my ACCOMPLISHMENT is a disgusting interpretation of my post. Many of us have suffered for many years in relationships with our alcoholics. To call me names and threaten me that my support should run away from me is simply insensitive. That is not my understanding of the purpose of this site. Secondly, I made it VERY clear in the post that I was quoting the words "Run away..." from another member of this site. It is not something I came acroos once but rather numerous times when reading posts. I clearly stated at the end of my post that I put these stories out there for people to share with me their own thoughts, since I obviously have my own. Since you have only posted here 3 times I am assuming that you are not very familiar with my other posts in which my AH has done everything he can to not only emotionally but physically hurt both myself and my 2 young (and very defenseless) children. That is my role as their mother and a woman. I am horrified that you would want to put my comments down when I am here trying to bulid my confidence and courage. Afterall, if I wanted to feel threatened or wrong for my feelings then I would talk to my AH instead of coming to a site for the family and friends of alcoholics! I am trully offended by your post but I find comfort in knowing that the other people whom replied can somehow to relate and understand what my intention was. I am so very happy that you had the support to make the decisions you have but please do not judge others for the decisions they are trying to make.