SBJKE32

Okay, I am sure he was just too drunk to remember, but he told me where to find all his passwords and things to get into his bank accounts on line. He was working out of town and I had to do some banking for him, so we did it together over the phone, and I had to access his account, so I can see everything he does with his checks and debit card, and I the idiot charged at the liquor store just yesterday.

This is my problem. He has drank us into soooo much debt, it's unbelievable. We have no money. It all started last year, he decides to quit his job and go to work for himself. Things looked really good at first, but then they got bad. He's a carpenter. So, he starts off with one good job, only instead of actually doing it, he spends most of his time drunk,and then every once in awhile he will go work. We made just enough every month, as long as we used our savings, when he so clearly could have been actually getting ahead.

So, last month he has to go get a job, cuz the work finally ran out, or should I say, his drinking over came the need to go out and look for work. So, now we can't pay our bills, rent...nothing. We just had a baby and there are now hospital bills on top of it all. And they are piling up. He and I had this really long talk about budgeting, goals, all kinds of what I thought was great stuff. I was really getting excited. Now, we have exactly what we need to pay rent, and nothing else until I get paid again which isn't until the 16th. I just bought groceries, and we are okay....well up until I checked his account. Sure enough, the SOB went to the liquor store and bought liquor. I don't know now if we will have enough to pay rent, and it was due like two days ago. I have had it. We have two beautiful children, and I just don't get it. We have never been able to afford a home.

It breaks my heart, and everytime I dream of owning one, everytime I think, maybe this time we can get on track and get things paid. Save for a down payment, somethigng...He does this. I can't stand it. I am so sick of it all. How could he. I know he is sick, I know he is depressed. I am sick of the burden, sick of being the only responsible person in this house. I just don't know if I can stay much longer, the ironic thing about all of this, is he spent all of our savings,.... if I wanted to leave, I would have to move in with my parents. How f-ing sad is that. No one really knows my situation either, so how do I explain all of this. My parents know he is an A, but they think he isn't drinking, cuz if they knew, they would only worry. My grandfather was an A and was very abusive, so they associate A's with abuse, even though he has never been physically abusive. I just can't believe that this is what I have done with my life. I just didn't see it going this way. I just wanted the house, kids, picket fences....happiness. I am pretty much a single mother the way things are now, so it's not like that would be hard. I just don't know if it's worse to live like this or go and live with my parents.

He left for work this morning, so I don't have to deal with him right now, and I can't tell him how I know, cuz he had an out of town job yesterday, and I am sure he drank it on the way and sobered up by the time he got home. And if I say anything, he might catch on to the fact of how I know, and then that would take that away.

That is the other thing, sorry to ramble, but I have to. Anyway, I always know when he is drinking, never fails. So last night he comes home, and I am thinking he is acting weird, but couldn't actually smell the liquor, and he isn't acting like he normally does when he drinks. I have learned to tell myslef that when I suspect it, it is usually true. Anyway, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt yesterday. Now, I know I can't ever do that. I can't ever trust him. I wonder if the snooping is wrong, but I don't think it is. I know it isn't good for me to dwell on it, and just worry about healing myself. I just hate him so much right now. I don't know how I am going to deal with this over and over and over.

chrisea

Since he iniatated the - do the banking, while on the phone with his passwords, how is that considered snooping... Besides you are his wife, isn't this a joint account. But then again, maybe you don't want it to be a joint account. I had a joint account with my abf and a lot of the same stuff went on. He would be overdrafting the account, with his trips to the bar, state store, to get a stupid haircut. I told him repeatedly that this makes for a very expensive, drink, haircut, atm withdrawal, etc, but he still did it over & over. (I was so upset with what I seen going on, and he was furious that I looked so often. But who wouldn't look and want to protect themselves!!!) Well he wanted me to reactivate the atm card (it came to that)... but lossing the use of the atm card helped... That was a good day, because prior to that, the bank wanted him to come in and open his own account... Well I mentioned that to him months ago, and he wouldn't do it... I sat there the other day and told the bank officer, how do you make someone open their own account. So She came up with a great solution, take my name off the account. All I had to do was get him to sign papers they provided and I will definetly send them back in... Now I won't be so apt to look in his account. But then she did ask if he was my husband..... I thank my stars that I didn't do that for the 3 rd time

SBJKE32

We have a joint checking and then we each have a personal checking. So, his check is directly deposited into his personal account so if I didn't have this information, I would never know if he is actually telling me the truth on how much he made kind of thing. The he is supposed to put what we need to pay the bills in our joint checking (which is the one we use to pay bills). It's probably wrong, but I am tired of being the only one who does the right thing all the time. I sound so bitter and angry I know, but I am.

chrisea

they are your feelings, how could they be wrong... I have felt the same way, and still do at times... He is so irresponsible with money, actually with just about everything. There are no easy answers. I have seen a woman once make her version of lasagne, I'm sure it was made this way, because this is all the money she had to get the ingredients for it. It was lasagna noodles, sauce, and parmesan cheese... No hamb., no mozzarella, no cottage cheese or ricotta... We (my ex and me) told her it was very good... But discussed it on the way home... it was sad. But then a few yrs later, guess she got tired of rolling him, for the money that was left over on Fri paycheck, when he finally got home and passed out on early Sat morning... She said he didn't rem. anything and she told him he must have spent it all the previous evening. Well then she got divorced from him and took her daughter and their daughter with her.... and moved back in with her parents... I'm sure she is better off

gelfling

You weren't snooping. He asked you to help him. But, I personally will not even go in to my husband's wallet. Even if he tells me to. I guess it's just the fear of finding something I don't want to see. A message given to me years ago by someone who did snoop.

I know it's being ridiculous, but if I found a phone number with no name, I know my mind would be going 20 miles an hour and I'd get all bent out of shape.

benefits

You're asking a good question. I see similarities in your situation and my former situation. Is it wrong?? I'm not sure. Is it healthy?? Probably not!! In a way I don't think the snooping itself is totally wrong - the fact that you need to snoop is more troubling.
Let me explain - I was in a situation where my exAB was constantly lying to me about his drinking mainly in the beginning but then it seemed to trickle down to just about every other aspect of his life. I am the type of person that hates to be lied to - as I'm sure most people are. The thing about me is that I can't just let it go, giving the benefit of the doubt was hard once the trust was broken. I found out by accident about the first few lies - his friends letting things slip, etc. Then I became suspicous. This drove me crazy. I wanted to believe him but I always had my doubts and I found for me if I checked up on him and I knew the truth and then he lied to me it was somehow easier to deal with because I was not wondering if he was telling the truth or another lie. I know this sounds like sick logic. It probably is. I was in a dysfunctional relationship. We both had our issues. He drank to much, abused drugs, lied to me, took advantage of me, etc. But I was just as wrong because I didn't trust him. I should have just ended things then, when I first realized I didn't trust him. But I kept thinking he would change. I know deep down if you get rid of the alcohol and drugs he is a good person. I do have a great deal of love for him and always will. The probelm about trust is that once it is broken I don't know that it can ever be completely restored.
I wish I had a better answer for you. I got out of my realtionship about a month ago and I found this site a few weeks ago. It has been so helpful. I have finally realized that I don't want this kind of life. I needed to get out of the drama and be happy. I was lucky because I don't have children with him and I have my own house so me and my son are here in our house and he is in his. I will say this though as for living with your parents. Do it. YOu will be much happier. It is not pathetic that you have to turn to them for help. When I left my husband a few years ago I took my son and stayed with a friend until I was back on my feet. It was good for me and my son. I'm not embarrased by needing some help. I'm just glad I got out of an unhealthy environment and was able to grow.
Good Luck!!!

StandingStrong

Is snooping wrong? Here's my take on it - if you are snooping at something that does involve you, then no, it's not wrong. You have a right to know about things that will affect you and/or your children.
When is snooping wrong? When it will not affect you and you are looking for your own greedy reasons.

But............

I've come to realize that there has to be a thought for what we may find while snooping. This is where I think boundaries come in to play. Know what you are and aren't willing to accept and what you plan to do with the info that you find.

In my book, there's a difference in privacy. The need for privacy in things that affect no one but ourselves - vs - the need for privacy where it involves other people isn't privacy, it's hiding things.

That's my thoughts anyway.

osier59

At a sober moment, this could be a good conversation to have...if he has direct deposit, he can specifiy how much goes into various accounts. Its fair for you to ask that he have a certain amt go into the joint account that is used for bills, and that the rest is his to do with as he pleases. Same with you and your $$.

That way you can address the financial part of the situation w/o going into blaming, accusing etc etc.

As for snooping, I agree with the others. If he gave you the password to get some info, thats not snooping.

Barb

dax

Well I have become addicted to snooping. I never snooped. If I had lisened to his home phone message machine, I would have discovered the affair years befor- like my son did- it was really his phone. However after discovering his affair and he would not come clean, I had to snoop to find out the truth. He also during his drinking and even more so while sober ran up over 50,000 in credit card debt. I should have snooped earlier- we would not have had to spend a his whole retirement packgae getting out of debt.
If someones lies to you and you have to snoop to find the truth GO FOR IT!. To not snoop would enable them to get away with unacceptable behavior. And let me tell you, with the good old internet- what you can find out about almost anyone is kind of scary. My husband is so STUPID the stuff he put on his computer and then forgot. Of course 7 years ago, I couldn't even turn the computer on. :tongue3:
If you husband is depositing his check and then spending too much, can you pay off all the bills immediately so he won't have much to spend on himself. This has been a problem with our marriage for going on 40 years. Only now , he is unemployed and I make the most money- so our spending is way down. Plus with my own account, I have been abvle to save a lot more. Kids gone and on their own also helps. hugs dax

paradox

When my AH and I used a joint account to pay bills, the stress of never being able to count on the money being there was horrible. What helped me was to use my personal account for the bills. I waited until he was sober and told him that he wasn't keeping track of his withdrawls and I didn't want to babysit his banking anymore. The peace of mind I got from not worrying about if the money was still there was great. If he refuses to put the bill money in a safe place and you get evicted It sounds like you are fortunate enough to have parents that will take you and the kids in. Then he can deal with the mess he created.

I guess what I mean is that I had no serenity untill I let him deal with the problems he created and stopped trying to stop the crisis from happening. Just something to consider.

JennyK

I was too scared to snoop. Our financial situation spun out of control so fast it is mind blowing. We are still considering bankrupcy and thanks to my husband not burning bridges with his old employers (when he left to start his own business, which he has since drank into the ground), he will be starting back to work within a few weeks and we will not be losing our house.

This is just unreal to me, as I have a masters degree and come from a upper middle class background where I NEVER even thought about money.

THAT I realize now was part of the problem. I was in denial about what was happening to our finances since I was totally uninvolved, if it had occured to me to snoop, OF COURSE, I would have. And if I had known earlier the sitauation that we were getting into, I would have done anything and everything I could have to stopped it.

Everything has changed over the past month and now, although our debt is just as huge and looming, it is not all comsuming. It is put into perspective, and that could only happen since my husband stopped drinking and started to talk with me about how we are going to manage it. And we had to be honest with the people who could help and ask for that help.

Of course I just rambled on about me...maybe something in here helped a bit.

Jenny

SBJKE32

Everything here helped alot. I know it seems we all ramble on about our own stories but you have no idea how I need to hear that someone else is going through this...and survived! I am going to talk to him about just paying bills out of my account so that I can keep better track of everything. I think that would help alot. Thanks to everyone for all the input.