JessicaNAJ

.... way to handle this?

My son's school called at 5:15 - AH wasn't there to pick him up yet (should have been home by 4:45).

I picked him up then went to AH's apartment to pickup my daughter (she's 3). I found an empty bottle of vodka in the front seat of his car (it wasn't there this morning). This tells me he was drunk and driving with her in the car. I knocked on his door and i hear my daughter saying, "Daddy, wake up. Someones at the door." I banged on the door harder. He still wasn't moving. This went on for a few minutes. So i told my daughter to get a big chair and unlock the door. Ten minutes later she had the door unlocked. AH didn't budge. I was ready to yell, scream, holler. But I didn't. I told her to put her coat on. I asked AH where he went with her and why was there an empty bottle of vodka in the car (my daughter said that was daddy's water). Of course I didn't get an answer. We left and he woke up long enough to lock the door and yell f@$k you a few times behind the door.

I've already made up my mind that my daughter is going to the sitters from now on - I don't know how I'm going to pay her, but she's going. And I am going to take my son to school and pick him up. This is a little bit more hectic for me, but at least I will know they are both safe.

So, for now, I don't want to talk to him. At least not until I can calm down and be rational. Right now I wouldn't make any sense.

Any suggestions? ($2000 for an attorney! - not an option right now)

For the record - I didnt expect to get a straight answer from him, I know better...

StandingStrong

I can only imagine the range of emotions that you are feeling right now. However, you've been searching for answers ("signs" if you will) for the answers. I think today was another reminder and/or sign for you to see that things will not change until your Ah is fully ready and committed to changing. I know it sucks, we all want our Ah's to be responsible adults - and when they aren't it really is hard to deal with.
I think having your daughter go to a babysitter or daycare would really be the best thing for all of you. I know you are concerned about how to pay for it, but in your case, I know that peace of mind will be worth the money. You might want to check into programs for reduced cost for childcare, etc. You may be surprised to find that you have more options available to you than you thought. Or maybe you have a friend that you can trust and swap childcare costs, she keeps yours through the week for you to work and you give her a day of childcare in return during your day off or something to that extent.
Have you also checked into legal aid or any other attorneys that may be cheaper? Is it possible that you and your AH could agree to terms to get a dissolution vs. a divorce as that would also be cheaper?

I'm really sorry this happened Jessica. believe me, I remember those kinds of events all too well and would wish them on no one.

bikewench

Way to handle it?

Cut him loose!!!!

He's putting your children's life in serious danger.

Praying for solutions for you Jessica.

peapod

***leaving your three-year old daughter alone while he's passed out drunk? absolutely not. the constructive way to handle this is to NEVER, EVER allow him to take the kids again. he can visit with them only when supervised by you...he's lost his chance, as far as i'm concerned, to be trusted to take care of your precious babies. not only is he putting them in danger, but he's modeling completely inappropriate and anti-social behavior...you'll have to figure out how to pay that babysitter because the cost of leaving them in the care of a father like that may be devastatingly high in the end....

JessicaNAJ

Peapod - I didn't leave her with him. We worked it out that since he pays the sitter and is currently laid off, he would come to the house in the morning, pick up the kids, take our son to school, and keep our daughter till I got off work. I had no idea he was drinking. (He's not consistant and usually only drinks at night.

Wednesday - around 11:00, my daughter went to the sitters (he took her) b/c I could tell while I was on the phone with him from work that he was drinking. I told him I was coming to get her, but he ended up taking her anyway.

His behavior is not only irresponsible but unacceptable - that is why I have made the discision to take her to the sitters from here on out. He can figure out how to pay for that. He blew his last chance.

bikewench

Good for you Jess.

It's one thing for us women to continually engage an addict even in the face of what they are capable of dishing out... but children have no one but us to protect them.

He has shown that he has no feelings for his babies.

peapod

sorry, jessica. i didn't mean to imply that you left her with him while he was drunk...obviously you wouldn't do that...i just meant that now that you know he has no qualms about drinking while she is in your care, that, precisely as you said, he's lost his chance....and, yes, good idea. make him pay for it...

Chy

Wow that is so scary! Do whatever it takes, but don't let him alone with the kids. I know it's added strife, but the kids need to be safe. I applaud you for allowing yourself to cool off first, not sure I could be so restrained, but I know there is no talking to a drunk either. Good luck, you'll figure out a way to manage it. *hugs*

queenofthehwy

Jessica,

wow!!! I am just sitting here shaking my head speechless. I won't say I can't believe it because the same thing happened to me. I am so sorry that this had to happen.

I would try and look into legal aid.

((((hugs)))))


Mindi

wraybear

Similar things have happened to me too. It is a nightmare. We want so much to be able to trust the father of our children with their own children, but they prove over and over again, that they can't be trusted. My AH had our 2 and 5 year old with him, he had been sober for almost a year, and decided to drink on a "road trip" to pick up some fishing/hunting gear that the wife of a friend wanted him to have upon the death of his friend. It was about a 3 hour drive. He decided to spend the night at his stepdad's farm about 1/2 way and got drunk at the farm. He put the kids in the car to get something to eat (side note - it was the first nice car we ever had which we had only had for about 2 months) and ran off the dirt road, through a corn field, up over an embankment and slammed into a tree. He almost died... was intubated in the helicopter and on ventilator for 4 weeks - in hospital total of 2 1/2 months. 5 year old was vomiting blood, and was helicoptered, the seat belt squeezed her little belly and caused a liver laceration, intestinal damage and a spinal fracture - was in the hospital for 13 days. Fortunately the car seat the baby was in saved her life. She was taken by ambulance to a 3rd hospital, 1 1/2 hours away from my house.

This is a man who had gotten to a point where he was drinking daily, morning, noon and night. Then when the kids were born he started binge drinking. He would drink a couple times a year, but it would last for a week or two. This time, he had been sober for almost a year. He quit his job where he was around alcohol, had gone back to school - got his GED at the age of 39, wanted to become a nurse, got a job working nights as a nurses assistant at a hospital and loved it - he was in great shape, felt great, drug free/alcohol free, things were looking great... and WAM.

So, I guess I am sharing this story to let people know, I have been there. Trusting him, when deep down I knew I shouldn't, and I did it over and over and over again. The accident was three years ago, and i have trusted him SINCE THEN!!! how stupid is that. And, he is no longer living with us (going on 17 weeks maybe) because of drinking and driving with the kids.

I hate addiction. This used to be a humble, loving, funny, caring, smart, man. He is lost and I can't be lost with him anymore. Financially, just when I get to a point where I don't know how I am going to make it, a miracle happens. Just enough of a miracle to help for a couple weeks. So, praise God for that. I really truly have learned to live one day at a time because I can't spend my time worrying about tomorrow's finances. And, quite frankly, things are so peaceful, that money is the only thing i really have to worry about. And, I choose not to worry today!

Take care, I KNOW this is a very difficult situation. You will survive, and you and your children will be much happier and safer.

Take care, sorry this was so long, and I know many have heard my story before, but I just felt the need to share it on this thread, because BAD THINGS DO HAPPEN.

JessicaNAJ

I think it may take me a while to cool off. Maybe I will feel better after some sleep.

My son was afraid we were going to get into an arguement so I made up my mind before I went in that I wasn't going to get into with him and I wouldn't say anything until I was clear on what I was thinking and feeling and not so wound up with emotion..

If I would have "went off" on him right then and there - it would have been ugly. He was passed out when I walked into his apartment and looked at me like "what are you doing here". He was not very coherent. I would have said something, he would have gotten mad, I would have said something, and so on. It would have spiraled out of control and somehow, someway, AH would have me feeling guilty and in tears. I am not going to let him off that damn easy. My HP will let me know when the time is right and then I'll be unstopable. I will not put myself in a position where he will make me feel guilty just so he can blame his actions on me.

JessicaNAJ

No problem - sometimes it hard to read someones intentions.

OH - he'll get his!! (Okay, okay, I'm still mad....lol)

escape artist

man jessica, i am feeling the anger for you right now. i suppose if he ever has a sober moment you might let him know that he won't ever be screwing you or your kids over again and do what you have to do!! i'm praying for you right now that your HP will guide you through this and protect your children.

escape artist

i had to walk away from this just to get over that! i remember having that happen to me too.

i was just thinking what it would be like if everyone of us on SR who hate that could all get together and go over there to your H and do an intervention... like beat him up!!
do you think he would get the message then!! well, that would be quite a sight wouldn't it. a roomful of angry codependents giving him the hairy eyeball- the sober recovery posse vigilantes. (i'm just ranting- i'm really a pacifist). i feel better. thanks for letting me visualize that. now i better start doing some deep relaxing breathing.

gelfling

Hey Jess, Just jumped on this one and didnt' read the others, so if I'm repeating myself, pardon.

Look into getting help from Social Services. They will provide an allowance for baby sitters and have a list of approved sitters too.

Don't leave your baby with him. Unfortunatey, he was passed out when you got there, but fortunately, your baby was safe.

Hugs, Kathy

gelfling

P.S. Good for you for keeping a cool head. You know you really pi**ed him off. Doesn't it make you feel good knowing you've got everything under control and that you're able to reign in your emotions until you're not around him so you don't add fuel to the fire.

Also, look into free Legal Assistance. You may be eligible for free legal advice/divorce.

Hugs, Kathy

JessicaNAJ

I got some sleep. Still ticked - which is good b/c usually I can't hold a grudge.

I make too much to get any assistance. The reason I'm struggling financially is b/c when he moved out, I still paid all the bills (without his income). Don't worry though, it will work out. She is going to the sitters. Fortunately for me the sitter will work with me if I can't pay her.

I'm going to call the attorney I spoke with on Monday to see how much it would cost for a disolution (sp). I really don't think he'll cooperate though b/c you all seen how hard it was just to get him go with me to file his taxes.

He don't want to call me right now. I have no words for him and the thought of seeing him makes me want to puke.

I am in control this time. My conscious is clear and there is nothing he can say or do to make me feel guilty and back down. NOPE - not this time.

JessicaNAJ

I didn't really think about it, but - Yeah, it does.

Petunia

Jess,

Just wanted you to know that you're in my prayers. You deserve the good stuff that is coming your way, and it is already starting with the way you handled this situation and didn't let you AH push those buttons.

God bless you darling. You deserve a long weekend of spa treatments for dealing with this sh@#. You are a great example for the rest of us.

Peace,
Petunia

Gracey

I just want you to know I am thinking of you..........and you are in my prayers.........