We deserve better
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
We deserve better
I am fairly new here but I feel finding this site has been a tremendouse help to me. What I am about to post may be completely self serving but putting this into writing is helpful to me so please indulge me.
I was with my alcoholic boyfriend for about 2 years - it was not the best 2 years of my life. I feel that I truely loved him and part of me still does but I have come to realize that each and every one of the promises he made to me have not and will not be fulfilled. I still choose to believe that he meant these things in the beginning but the drinking and probably drug use just got progressively worse over the years. I used to blame myself for this - thinking if he really loves me why does he need to drink all the time. There was always some reason for the excessive drinking, family problems, work issues, etc. etc. I now think those were just excuses so he could keep drinking. Don't get me wrong there were times when he was not drinking very much - he could go for a couple of weeks and have no desire to drink but it always came back and when it hit it hit big time. I don't feel a man in a committed relationship has any business staying out all night (and I mean all night - several hours after the bars close) drinking with his friends. I can understand a special occasion here and there but my ex's pattern was once every month or so he would pull this. I began to question if I was over reacting because he acted like this is normal behavior for a man in his late 30's. It's not my opinion of normal. I am the one who chooses what I will or will not live with in a relationship and I will not accept this from my ex or anyone else for that matter. I have every right to know where my SO is and who he is with - I would give him the same respect. Had he not lied to me over and over again it probably would not have been an issue - contrary to what he had me believe I am not a control freak. When trust is broken it is hard to get back - had I betrayed the trust of someone I love I would have done everything possible to get it back. Had he not lied to me so often I would have probably never even asked where he was going etc. My feeling is that I have made a committment to you, I have been true to that commitment, I have helped you in every aspect of your life from the small to the large and I expect the same respect from you. I will no longer accept anything less.
I am a good person. I am a great mother. I deserve to be respected, loved and treated like a queen. After all I will love you, respect you and treat you like a king.
I'm almost done - thanks for letting me do this because it feels great. I am so sorry for my ex - not only because he is an addict but because he had what so many people are searching for and he could not or would not appreciate it. I was there for him, I loved him unconditionally and asked for nothing in return. When I did ask for some respect or a show of love I was a terrible person etc, etc.
I have finally opened my eyes and I see now that he never really loved me, I was a convenience. I let him walk all over me and take advantage of me. So I am equally to blame. I have been struggling with missing him and I am worried about him meeting someone new and moving on. Well if that happens good luck to the next girl - I don't see him changing anytime soon. IF he does and the next girl gets everything I wanted good for her. I hope she appreciates it and treats him right. I'm not saying it won't bother me because it probably will but I can't let myself go down that road again.
I am a good person, I am a strong woman who is happy. It does not take a man to make me happy. Only I can make myself happy. And each day I feel stronger and happier. I still think about him, I still wish it could have been different. I still come home from work and check the caller ID hoping his number is on there. But I am tired of living in the soap opera, I don't need the drama. Maybe I sound heartless but his problems are his problems. Most of the problems he has are problems he got himself into and refuses to get out of. So to my ex I wish you well I truely hope you get help. To me I wish myself well. I know I am getting better. I don't need to hope for happiness anymore because it is right in front of me. I am going to be okay. My son is going to be okay. I have a great family, wonderful friends and a bunch of people who care for me.
What am I missing out on by not being with my ex??? He was not emotionally available to me, he made me feel second best to his friends, his beer, his business, etc. etc. Last year I had brain surgery - he came to see me in the hospital 1 time. When I came home from the hospital he didn't come over to be with me - even though I was all alone because he was too busy drinking with his friends. When I started bleeding one night I called his friends house looking for him - he and the friend were not there at the time but I told the friends mother I was bleeding and I think I need to go to the hospital. She went to "his bar" and left a message with the bartender that I had bleeding, etc. When he got there and got the message he tried to call me. When I didn't answer he just continued drinking. He called the next morning from work I still didn't answer so he went out drinking again that day after work and the entire next day. Thank God I was able to reach my parents for help. For all my ex cared I could have been bleeding to death at home. But hey, he got his buzz on. And after all what would have happened if he left the bar and something happened and he missed it. Then his friends would have a story to tell that he was not a part of. Silly me - why would I expect my brain surgery to interfere with his fun. Sorry for going off on that tangent. But it just proves to me even more that this guy does not deserve me. I re-affirms my choice to end this relationship. If God forbid I ever need brain surgery again and I am in a relationship I will expect him to be with me everyday (except when he is working, etc.) and that is not asking too much. It's what I deserve.
Wow that feels so good to just say these things. I am not usually the type of person to say stuff like this so thank you for letting me. Putting this into writing helps me feel better. I know I still have work to do but I'm getting there and I will be fine. I'm almost to the point where I don't even want to talk about him anymore because it just brings me down. I want to be happy, I deserve to be happy and darn it I am going to be.
Everybody have a great day!!!!! Thanks!!!
I was with my alcoholic boyfriend for about 2 years - it was not the best 2 years of my life. I feel that I truely loved him and part of me still does but I have come to realize that each and every one of the promises he made to me have not and will not be fulfilled. I still choose to believe that he meant these things in the beginning but the drinking and probably drug use just got progressively worse over the years. I used to blame myself for this - thinking if he really loves me why does he need to drink all the time. There was always some reason for the excessive drinking, family problems, work issues, etc. etc. I now think those were just excuses so he could keep drinking. Don't get me wrong there were times when he was not drinking very much - he could go for a couple of weeks and have no desire to drink but it always came back and when it hit it hit big time. I don't feel a man in a committed relationship has any business staying out all night (and I mean all night - several hours after the bars close) drinking with his friends. I can understand a special occasion here and there but my ex's pattern was once every month or so he would pull this. I began to question if I was over reacting because he acted like this is normal behavior for a man in his late 30's. It's not my opinion of normal. I am the one who chooses what I will or will not live with in a relationship and I will not accept this from my ex or anyone else for that matter. I have every right to know where my SO is and who he is with - I would give him the same respect. Had he not lied to me over and over again it probably would not have been an issue - contrary to what he had me believe I am not a control freak. When trust is broken it is hard to get back - had I betrayed the trust of someone I love I would have done everything possible to get it back. Had he not lied to me so often I would have probably never even asked where he was going etc. My feeling is that I have made a committment to you, I have been true to that commitment, I have helped you in every aspect of your life from the small to the large and I expect the same respect from you. I will no longer accept anything less.
I am a good person. I am a great mother. I deserve to be respected, loved and treated like a queen. After all I will love you, respect you and treat you like a king.
I'm almost done - thanks for letting me do this because it feels great. I am so sorry for my ex - not only because he is an addict but because he had what so many people are searching for and he could not or would not appreciate it. I was there for him, I loved him unconditionally and asked for nothing in return. When I did ask for some respect or a show of love I was a terrible person etc, etc.
I have finally opened my eyes and I see now that he never really loved me, I was a convenience. I let him walk all over me and take advantage of me. So I am equally to blame. I have been struggling with missing him and I am worried about him meeting someone new and moving on. Well if that happens good luck to the next girl - I don't see him changing anytime soon. IF he does and the next girl gets everything I wanted good for her. I hope she appreciates it and treats him right. I'm not saying it won't bother me because it probably will but I can't let myself go down that road again.
I am a good person, I am a strong woman who is happy. It does not take a man to make me happy. Only I can make myself happy. And each day I feel stronger and happier. I still think about him, I still wish it could have been different. I still come home from work and check the caller ID hoping his number is on there. But I am tired of living in the soap opera, I don't need the drama. Maybe I sound heartless but his problems are his problems. Most of the problems he has are problems he got himself into and refuses to get out of. So to my ex I wish you well I truely hope you get help. To me I wish myself well. I know I am getting better. I don't need to hope for happiness anymore because it is right in front of me. I am going to be okay. My son is going to be okay. I have a great family, wonderful friends and a bunch of people who care for me.
What am I missing out on by not being with my ex??? He was not emotionally available to me, he made me feel second best to his friends, his beer, his business, etc. etc. Last year I had brain surgery - he came to see me in the hospital 1 time. When I came home from the hospital he didn't come over to be with me - even though I was all alone because he was too busy drinking with his friends. When I started bleeding one night I called his friends house looking for him - he and the friend were not there at the time but I told the friends mother I was bleeding and I think I need to go to the hospital. She went to "his bar" and left a message with the bartender that I had bleeding, etc. When he got there and got the message he tried to call me. When I didn't answer he just continued drinking. He called the next morning from work I still didn't answer so he went out drinking again that day after work and the entire next day. Thank God I was able to reach my parents for help. For all my ex cared I could have been bleeding to death at home. But hey, he got his buzz on. And after all what would have happened if he left the bar and something happened and he missed it. Then his friends would have a story to tell that he was not a part of. Silly me - why would I expect my brain surgery to interfere with his fun. Sorry for going off on that tangent. But it just proves to me even more that this guy does not deserve me. I re-affirms my choice to end this relationship. If God forbid I ever need brain surgery again and I am in a relationship I will expect him to be with me everyday (except when he is working, etc.) and that is not asking too much. It's what I deserve.
Wow that feels so good to just say these things. I am not usually the type of person to say stuff like this so thank you for letting me. Putting this into writing helps me feel better. I know I still have work to do but I'm getting there and I will be fine. I'm almost to the point where I don't even want to talk about him anymore because it just brings me down. I want to be happy, I deserve to be happy and darn it I am going to be.
Everybody have a great day!!!!! Thanks!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Benefits
Now that's what I call growth!
You do deserve to be happy. We all do. Like you, I have had to decide that I cannot be happy with my ex. So I am going to be happy without him.
Take care
Love
Minnie
xxx
p.s. You said " I loved him unconditionally and asked for nothing in return". That's not quite true, is it? Otherwise you would still be with him now. I believe that love between partners is always conditional on something.
Now that's what I call growth!
You do deserve to be happy. We all do. Like you, I have had to decide that I cannot be happy with my ex. So I am going to be happy without him.
Take care
Love
Minnie
xxx
p.s. You said " I loved him unconditionally and asked for nothing in return". That's not quite true, is it? Otherwise you would still be with him now. I believe that love between partners is always conditional on something.
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Posts: n/a
your title says so much................heck yea we do.........and it is up to us to get it.........I was sinking at first, than I was wading at the top of the water.........and now I am start to make my way across the lake, I am now excited to see what may be on the other side..............
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
Minnie, I guess you are right about the loving unconditionaly. I guess what I should have said was all I wanted in return was to be loved back. By unconditionally I meant that I would have loved him no matter what - which is to a point true. I do still love him very much and I think a part of me will always love him. I have just now realized that sometimes love is not enough. All the love in the world did not make him happy - if he was happy he wouldn't need to drink and use drugs. (only my opinion) As for asking for nothing in return I guess I meant no material things - I never asked for or expected him to shower me with gifts. Now a birthday present would have been nice - nothing big just something to let me know he remembered. I guess it was hard for him to remember my b-day which is four days after his because he was so focused on partying the week prior to, the week of and the week after his birthday. No matter - I may sound bitter but I am truely not - anymore. I was. Now when I mention these things it is just reinforcing to me that I made the right choice. My ex is not a bad person, he really isn't. He has a good heart it's just been hurt so many times that emotionally he is "damaged" and the drinking and drugs just make it worse. For a long time I was his "dumping ground". I cannot and will not do that anymore. It just feels so good to let all of this go!!!!!!!
Thanks again for listening.
Thanks again for listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Wow benefits! This is an awesome post for me to read, since I just told my AH I want a divorce a couple days ago. We do deserver better...honestly, I am just kind of going on the assumption and blind faith that there are men that are emmotionally available to their spouses, who don't prefer booze to intimacy and conversation, and who think of another person, before themselves. I just realized I wouldn't even know what being with someone like that is like...I have to think all the way back to my college boyfriend to even remember how things could be! Thanks for the post!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
Wow you could be talking about me! I have put up with a nightmare -police, hospitals, wandering out at night in all weather looking for him and finding him by the road, affairs (I could him at it in the house red handed!) being second best,un supportive when my dad was sick, he forgot my birthday, he stood me up because he couldnt remember we had dinner reservations, his friends were more important, drink driving, treated like s**t.... wow the list goes on and on and on.
You post is insirational. Thank you ((()))
You post is insirational. Thank you ((()))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Astral Plane
Posts: 64
Wow Benefits! Great post. I have days where I feel like that and others that I dont. Maybe some day we can all feel like that and have the strenght, courage and resources to follow through with it!
Blessings,
MysticCat
Blessings,
MysticCat
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Well, you certainly hit the nail on the proverbial head with your post. You deserve better, and you had expectations of your love being returned by your ex. Unfortunately, they're too sick to give love. They can't love themselves, let alone anyone else. And it IS a progressive disease and it's horrible to watch them go downhill.
I had both knees operated on at the beginning of January. About nine hours after surgery, my AH was passed out on the living room floor, I was on the couch, and my crutches were beside him. By the grace of God (I really wasn't capable of walking), I got to the bathroom on my own. It had to be my Higher Power that got me there because I couldn't even maintain my balance. Did I get any meals, changes of ice packs for my knees, help walking? Nope. He stayed dead-drunk until my cousin showed up two days after the surgery to help out.
They don't do it because they're malicious, they do it because they're too sick to realize what love, compassion, and just plain old caring for anything other than their bottle of booze is all about. What a sad, meaningless existence they lead .... always looking for "fun" but failing to realize that true hapiness far outweighs the "fun" they're having.
I hope you've completely recuperated from your surgery. Take care ...
I had both knees operated on at the beginning of January. About nine hours after surgery, my AH was passed out on the living room floor, I was on the couch, and my crutches were beside him. By the grace of God (I really wasn't capable of walking), I got to the bathroom on my own. It had to be my Higher Power that got me there because I couldn't even maintain my balance. Did I get any meals, changes of ice packs for my knees, help walking? Nope. He stayed dead-drunk until my cousin showed up two days after the surgery to help out.
They don't do it because they're malicious, they do it because they're too sick to realize what love, compassion, and just plain old caring for anything other than their bottle of booze is all about. What a sad, meaningless existence they lead .... always looking for "fun" but failing to realize that true hapiness far outweighs the "fun" they're having.
I hope you've completely recuperated from your surgery. Take care ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
Well I just got back from Chuckie Cheese with my son. We had a great time - we were there for over 3 hours talking, playing, eating pizza. Not once during that time did I have to look at my cell phone to see what time it is to make sure I was home before he got home from work. Not because he would care that I was gone - quite the opposite. I was afraid if I wasn't home when he got home that was his perfect excuse for going out to the bar, getting drunk and not coming home until 4:30 in the morning. I was so insecure. That is no way for anyone to live. I am just having a great day because little by little I am realizing how foolish I was to hang on to this man. I really think I am finally "getting it". Today I had to drive by his business on my way to Chuckie Cheese (honestly, I did, the only way to avoid that would have been to drive about 15 minutes out of my way) I noticed his truck was not at work - I also noticed one of his user friends in the parking lot - nothing unusual there. What was unusual was that it didn't make me wonder where he was, why wasn't he working, etc. I just didn't care - I was releived that it is no longer my problem. I later ran into a mutual friend @ Chuckie Cheese he works with my ex's mother he mentioned that my ex's mother is so worried about him he was going to the doctor again today because of his "sinus infection". Well funny thing is he didn't go to the doctor the first 2 times he said he did - he lied to cover his using. Again it wouldn't surprise me to find out that he was not really at the doctor. What does surprise me is that I don't care if he was or wasn't there. I have a friend who works at the doctors office and it would take 1 phone call to find out if he was really there. But I just don't care.
I hope this feeling never ends. I feel so strong. Again, I wish him well, I hope he can find a way to recover and be the person I know he could be. I'm sure I will have some moments where I miss him and wonder about him but I just need to be strong and take care of me and my son.
I had a tumor on my brain stem that was removed in May of last year - they couldn't get all of it and I have been following up with MRI's and blood work etc. In July they recommended another surgery which I was dreading and putting off. I had an MRI last week and the tumor has begun shrinking on its own. Not to sound to corning but that is almost a miracle. It is not something medicine can explain. My feeling is this is my higher power at work and I take this as a definate sign that good things are coming my way!! It reinforces my belief that I am doing the right thing in my relationship - maybe this is God's way of telling me.
Thank you again so much for listening and supporting me.
I hope this feeling never ends. I feel so strong. Again, I wish him well, I hope he can find a way to recover and be the person I know he could be. I'm sure I will have some moments where I miss him and wonder about him but I just need to be strong and take care of me and my son.
I had a tumor on my brain stem that was removed in May of last year - they couldn't get all of it and I have been following up with MRI's and blood work etc. In July they recommended another surgery which I was dreading and putting off. I had an MRI last week and the tumor has begun shrinking on its own. Not to sound to corning but that is almost a miracle. It is not something medicine can explain. My feeling is this is my higher power at work and I take this as a definate sign that good things are coming my way!! It reinforces my belief that I am doing the right thing in my relationship - maybe this is God's way of telling me.
Thank you again so much for listening and supporting me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
benefits....HUGE HUGS....i've come to realize all these same things. Thanks for this post. My ex has been calling me non -stop. I had my home phone unlisted but he has my cell. I do not answer it. You can hit ignore on the cell. There is nothing I can say to him. He doesn't get it. I'm lonely. I get sad sometimes. But I am so glad to be out of that world. It was misery.
I'm so glad your tumor is shrinking...waht great news!!
I'm so glad your tumor is shrinking...waht great news!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
LOL.... a post on anotehr forum.
The 3 stages of relationships:
1- Everything is wonderful
2- I can make it work
3- What was I thinking????
I'm in stage 3!!! And now trying to figure out how never to repeat these steps again!!!! New steps:
1- Meet a new friend
2- Enjoy each other's company
3- enjoying a healthy loving relationship
The 3 stages of relationships:
1- Everything is wonderful
2- I can make it work
3- What was I thinking????
I'm in stage 3!!! And now trying to figure out how never to repeat these steps again!!!! New steps:
1- Meet a new friend
2- Enjoy each other's company
3- enjoying a healthy loving relationship
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