benefits

I have this thing that has been nagging me for a while and I wondering if anyone else ever felt this way and what they did about it. Here it is - my ex is an alcoholic (though he denies a problem) and uses cocaine (not sure how often but I suspect regularly). We broke up because of his problems and because I am raising a child and I need to protect him from this stuff. I know I should just walk away and not look back - I know he was never very good to me and I have doubts that he will ever stop drinking and if he does he has so much emotional baggage I don't know that we would ever have a healthy relationship. What nags me is the thought that when he finally decides to quit drinking and make a commitment I think I still want it to be with me. I do care for him and I think I still love him. He is a good person at heart and in the times that he was not drinking we got along great. I can say that in our 2 year relationship the only thing we ever fought about was related to his drinking and lying to me about drugs.
I know this probably sounds really petty of me but it's just the way I feel. I think somewhere down the road some other woman is going to have what I wanted. I also feel I put so much into our relationship and did so much for him I almost feel that it is "owed" to me. And yes, I do know that is wrong but I can't always help the way I feel.
So did anybody else go through this??? What did you do??
Thanks

mushroom

Yeah my AH owes me big time for all the stuff I was supposed to get from him but didn't and all that we planned to do together that's all shot to hell now and all I did for him trying to keep things together that didnt' work. He can never ever repay the debt he owes me. I don't know what to do other than walk away and not look back. You know, not crying over spilt milk, not beating a dead horse or your head against a brick wall and not throwing good money after bad, all that. You don't know that he'll ever be able to keep up his end of a normal relationship so you probably won't be missing out on much by walking away, and you'll be saving yourself a lot of pain and trouble in the short term. "when" he finally decides to quit is more accurately put as "if".

There's probably a lot of "if only ..." in every one of your past relationships - if only he'd been different it would've been great! right? this is just more of that. If only he weren't an addict. But he is. Just like so-n-so was a manipulative jerk, and what's-his-name was a workaholic, and that other guy spent every waking minute thinking about football ...

minnie

benefits

I know exactly where you're coming from. I thought like that for a while and it was really keeping me stuck. However, I've had a bit of a lightbulb moment this week.

My reward for the past 3 years is my recovery and the prospect of having a healthy relationship in the future. Even though I've got a long way to go, I am in a healthier place than I have ever been. I was only with my ex for 3 years until dec 04, but I realise that I have had codie issues all my life.

Dee at Mt Bully

You--are certainly not alone in your thinking--I'm sure my AH will marry again and
I know I will be furious because he never gave me the things he promised me. He
let alcohol be his love and not me.--just for the record I wasted 13 years and I'm
53 a little old to start over--but I am--I may be alone but I will not be in the middle
of this mess.--Smiles--Dee

Peaches04

Benefits - you are certainly not alone in your thinking. I've been married six years to an alcoholic and the hopes and promises of things getting better. And in all honesty, that's a big part of the reason I have stayed - I keep thinking when he 'gets it' and fixes himself, we will be great and he is the father of my children. Well, we have done counseling, together and apart, and I seem to be the only one 'getting it'. I finally asked him for a divorce. And like you - I know this will probably help him hit his rock bottom and now he will be sober, and working, and my fun loving husband again - but, we will be divorced. So, the next girl he dates will get the good him. But, you know what? It doesn't matter anymore - if so, good for her - but, the truth is - I seriously, seriously doubt it. i've waited 6 years for that miracle, and I don't see him changing. Even if he quits drinking, he will still have alot of the same behaviors, the same communication issues, the same self centerdness.. I deserver better, and so do you. I guess my point is to try and not think about the "what ifs" and what he owes you. The best revenge is living well...focus on that instead. Hang in there sweetie!