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Old 02-03-2005, 07:12 AM
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Gracey
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flustered

My H's mom gave my H a really hard time yesterday, because I changed my schedule.

I went home yesterday and I asked Bree what she had for a snack and if she was hungry, and she said no, granny bought me a hamburger and I ate in the car at the bus stop........I took Bree to ballay, did a load of laundry, made dinner......which we ate at 8:00, and he comes stumbling down the stairs at nine..........I really was fine with all of that he was out of my hair..........I decided to wait until around 11:00, I was going to bed.........and of course he was full of energy and wanted to talk my head off........and I was ready to chill and watch tv......I just kept thinking would you shut up please........and I decided to tell him, that Bree told me she ate a hamburger in the car at the bus stop and I think that is just a little wierd.........He automatically became angry and defensive for his mom.........I said look I have a right to my opinion and I think it is wrong.........I told him I am not making a deal out of it why are you............I am fine..........I just told Breanne that what her granny is doing is not right, and that you shouldnt have to stuff a hamburger down at the bus stop.............

My H says what would you have me do.............have my mom bring in the house and eat it in front of the kids.........she was doing you a favor, and not hurting anyone's feelings by eating it in the car at the bus stop...........

Am I the only one that thinks they are freaks..............
 
Old 02-03-2005, 07:17 AM
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Not at all Gracey. I think they're odd. I'm afraid that your MIL may get worse before she gets better.

Does Bree usually eat with the rest of the family?
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Old 02-03-2005, 07:25 AM
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No, because her granny feeds her at 4:20 and she feeds her pizza, and taco bell, and hamburgers............she was never hungry at 5:30, she always wants me to make her something around 9:00. That gets very frustrating........and of course my H never eats with us..........if he happens to be awake and hungry, (very rare because his mom always brings something for him too), he will take his plate upstairs and eat by himself and sometime Bree may follow him........so usually it is just me and my two kids......
 
Old 02-03-2005, 07:28 AM
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Hi Gracey,
Unfortunately, my MIL does the same kinds of things. Not so much now because she has 2 addict children living with her (one is my H). She is still into fixing things, manipulating things to make it all "okay". There were so many times in the past that I wanted to blast her with ugly words, but I realize it wouldn't do any good. I just put up my boundaries, try to stay calm, polite and considerate when possible and stick to my guns. It is very hard sometimes, but my MIL has been like this for years and I don't expect her to get any better any time soon. I know she loves my children and doesn't have the tools (or use the tools) necessary to stop enabling and stop controlling. They have basically lost their dad to this disease pretty much and I don't want them to lose a grandma too. But again, I stick to my boundaries and have done this for quite some time and lo and behold she has actually started to respect some of them. When she crosses over I let her know. There are periods when she rebels, but I stay put because I know I'm doing the right thing. You know what's funny? When my AH has had periods of sobriety his mom was the last person he wanted to be around. But when he's using he's literally up her butt!
She's sick, too, I try to have compassion....it's definitely hard sometimes and I can only take her in small doses. I pray for her too, that helps.

ami
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Old 02-03-2005, 07:36 AM
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Just my opinion, sweetie. Take it or leave it.

No good will come of discussing these issues with your H or you MIL. You've tried that a couple million times, right? I think that you still believe that they will listen to you, change their behavior and make things better for you. It's doubtful that they will do any of those things.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) the only one who can make you feel better is you. Accept the fact that their behavior may never change and take control of what you can control. How does it hurt you if Bree eats at a bus stop? I know you want to make sure your children have wonderful lives but really, how does it hurt you personally?

You don't have to abandon your children but, if you take a break from trying to protect and fix everyone around you, you'll be able to see more clearly what you can do to protect and fix yourself.

Hugs - L
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Old 02-03-2005, 08:10 AM
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Gracey-
Can you maybe tell her to not feed her at 4:20? Tell MIL that she is supposed to eat dinner at a certain time, and if she eats junk food so close to dinner, she will not eat. While I am sure you do not want to put Bree in the middle of this, tell MIL that you will tell Bree that she is not supposed to eat so much so early.

Is your MIL watching Bree in the afternoons now? Is there anyway you can find someone else to watch her after school? In other words, take MIL out of the equation. Maybe the school has an after school program she can stay at until you pick her up? Now, I do not mean this as a punishment for your MIL(well, maybe I do) - but if she will disregard your wishes, she should not be allowed to spend so much time with her.

Your daughter should eat dinner with her family, especially if you have gone to the trouble of cooking (or picking up ) something for everyone. For MIL to subvert your wishes like that is damaging.

And if Bree wants you to make her something at 9:00, well, too bad. Explain to her that dinner was at 5:30. she chose not to eat then. Maybe she will also get the idea that she should not be snacking so close to dinner.

Good luck!!!!
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Old 02-03-2005, 08:19 AM
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Maybe you can suggest - if bree is hungry - that your MIL give her an apple or banana. Something small so she can eat dinner with the family.

I had a sitter who did the same thing - it drove me nuts.
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Old 02-03-2005, 08:28 AM
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they are "freaks" as you said. i think lorelai is right on. what a pain you MIL is!
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Old 02-03-2005, 08:52 AM
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I have tried all the above, and no matter what I say, it does no good......

Lorelai, you are right........

I dont like what it is teaching Breanne..........to hide food, to hord things........to be sneaky........to not tell mommy

I am trying to teach my kids to be open, honest, not to hide things, not to be scared to tell me things.........to share, not to be sneaky........am I way off here......so it is not so much the hamburger, it what goes along with that......is my thinking warped........but you know I know that there is nothing I can do to change her especially when my H backs her up 100%
 
Old 02-03-2005, 10:24 AM
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Oh Gracey this must be leaving you so muddled and total confusion. Wow..can't believe your AH backs his Mum 100%! That tells you who he thinks more of. Very sad. Dealing with manipulative people. Very hard to do on your own. Your way of thinking isn't warped. Trying to teach Breanne to be open, honest, not to hide things, not to be scared to tell you things...to share, not to be sneaky....is something a good mum does. What her Grandmother is doing is underhanded and deceptive. She is using manipulative maneuvers to dominate an control her granddaughter. Don't see what the big deal...is with your MIL. Why can't she just be a Grandmother to all your kids? Wouldn't take much trouble to do this and she would have the love and respect of all your kids. Would be really nice for her old age...as she is in now. She would have three Grandkids and not one. She is very weird. Something I just don't understand. Wish my son would make me a Grandmother..don't care if the kids are some one elses or his. I would love and spoil them all the same way. Wouldn't be underhanded and manipulative.
Hope you find the answers you are seeking. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 02-03-2005, 10:44 AM
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It is so unfair, Gracey. It is so maddening. It is such a pain the a$$. But, it is the way it is.

You are not teaching your daughter that it is OK to be sneaky and hide things. Maybe she is learning that but it is not from you.

What are you teaching her? That when people do things that we feel are wrong, we should keep talking to them about it for the rest of our lives and try to change them? That we should put our own lives on hold while we try to fix them? That we should get so upset about their behavior that we can't enjoy the life that was given to us?

You can teach her, by example, that everyone is in charge of their own life. That people will do things we don't agree with and that is their right. It is not our place to try to change them. That she can make her own choice of whether she wants to eat a hamburger at a bus stop or eat with the family. If she's not hungry when the family eats, she isn't going to get anything to eat a 11:00 at night. She doesn't have to eat to make her grandmother happy or to make you happy. She needs to do what makes her happy.

If she doesn't learn that from someone, I would predict that she will be here on these boards when she grows up.
Hugs - L
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Old 02-03-2005, 10:54 AM
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Lorelai, thank you...........you are so right Thank you for that post........I never looked at it in that way..
 
Old 02-03-2005, 11:40 AM
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lorelai has a way of looking at the "other side" - i guess we haven't come as far as her in our recovery! that's why i value this forum so much - there are so many here in varying stages of recovery - it's wonderful!
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Old 02-03-2005, 11:56 AM
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Yup, i agree cwohio...............I have just been thinking but maybe I shouldnt...................lol.........as being Bree's parent, I am not always going to make decisions that make her happy, just like my other two kids...........right???

It is my job to set down rules...............it is also my job to make sure they are followed..............a hamburger, french fries and a milkshake, sounds alot better than a roast............I think I would go for the burger too at seven.............Is it insane to think and want my whole family to sit down at the dinner table and eat together...........and bree not wanting to because she is full..............

am I trying to justify, what I am doing???? Oh man, the further I get into this I am just like my A............
 
Old 02-03-2005, 12:10 PM
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Gracey,

I really don't have any advice that would be nice or healthy. But I would feel the same way and you're right they are freaks!!!

Mindi
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Old 02-03-2005, 12:11 PM
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don't fret - at least you are recognizing the things you are doing. i think you are doing great! so much for the lunch time restriction! lol
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Old 02-03-2005, 12:17 PM
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I am taking a long lunch today.................lol
 
Old 02-03-2005, 01:09 PM
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One of the benefits of being a parent

Is you get to make the rules . It's also one of the worst things, as sometimes it's TOUGH, really tough.

I would look for ways to "wean" your child from her grandmother. Not deny them together time, not punish, but to limit it in ways that are acceptable.

I am both a parent and a grandparent. Sometimes, as a "grand" it's fun to be a co-conspiritor with the "grands". We have...perhaps once a year, snuck out for ice cream, or a slupee or something my daughters may not approve of! I am guilty, guilty, guilty!

Having said that, with the exception of these few moments, I always clear everything with my daughters before I take or do anything with a Grand...can they see THIS movie, is it okay to have lunch, can they have ONE glass of soda while visiting, ect ect.

Perhaps you can start adding some "other" after school activities that will allow your MIL to be separated from your daughter graciously. After school program, scouts, playdates...you get the idea. I might not be seen so much as punishment for Grandma as enrichment for your daughter.

Best of luck.
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Old 02-03-2005, 01:23 PM
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walkingtheline..............I think what you do is so cool................I think it is okay for grandmas to give that child chocolate once in awhile...........or to get that extra piece of candy..........you know what I mean............but I think that all three of mine children should get it.............not just the youngest......see my older two are not her blood as my H puts it.
 
Old 02-03-2005, 01:50 PM
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but you know the drill

You can't change her just how you respond to her

Shutting out the other children is HER loss.

Grands are a joy...
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