benefits

My ex-ABF & I broke up a few weeks ago after I found he was using cocaine in my home where I live with my young son. I told him he had to go - After about a week apart I contacted him and we talked, I told him I would always be there for him and we both wanted to be friends. He told me he had not been going out since we broke up - he is happier just being alone in his one room home. He goes to work, comes home and sleeps. He also told me he is not using the cocaine because he can't afford to buy it and he doesn't want to anyway. He indicated he doesn't need to drink or drug because now that we are not together he is so much less stressed because being with me stressed him out because he knew he could never be what I wanted him to be - even though I never tried to change him I only asked him to be what he told me he wanted to be (a family man who doens't drink excessively or use drugs). He told me many times during our first year or so together that he doesn't enjoy the drinking its just his escape to get away from the stress from his business, his family, etc. It was never because of me (according to him). He also said he truely hopes he doesn't end up spending the rest of his life in a bar and hopes to someday marry again and he also said he knows someday we will be married and we will be together forever. Overtime all that changed - he was going to to drink because "that's what he does" and no one would stop him and he would never marry again because anyone who gets married is a fool. I saw a huge change in him over the time we were together - he always did the drinking thing but it was a lot of times on weekends and the problem I had with it was that he stayed out way later than he ever intended - some time not coming home at all - never coming home before the bar closed and he got kicked out. But he actually did seem to care about me and my son he was also a very kind person in many respects. Over time I saw him change into a very angry man - mad at everything. My guess is that this is because of the drinking but could it also be a sign of drug use that I didn't know about??? Do the drugs make you angry at the world??
Anyway where we are now is that he tells me he's not drinking or drugging but I'm not sure I beleive him. I know he is lying to me about things - for example he has a sinsus infection - he told me he went to the doctor and was prescribed medication. What he was telling me didn't seem to make sense for his condition so I asked a friend who works at his doctor to find out if he was really there (yes, I know that was wrong) and he was never there - not since 2002. So on Sunday I stopped by just to talk - not confrontational, not agrumentative just asking what's up etc. Anyway he went into a rage - how dare I stop at his house without an invitation, how dare I ask about his life, family, business anything. He basically told me I am thick and I can't take a hint he doesn't want to be with me and I should get out and leave him alone. Oh by the way did I tell you he asked me to go to dinner with him Sat. evening (the first time I said I would let him know - the second time I said okay I would go) this does not seem to me like a strong hint that someone wants to get rid of me. Why ask me to dinner if you don't want to be around me. So basically he was extremly cruel to me said very hurtful things - almost hit me with a beer bottle but stopped himself - and then told me it was no wonder my ex-husband pushed me around. Is it possible that he is clean and sober and he just hates me this much. It breaks my heart to think that someone I cared for so much and did so much for could turn on me like this. It also makes me question if I was that bad. Any thoughts??

drgnfly30

First of all... you are not 'that bad', none of us are.

The choice is yours.. but IMHO I'd turn away & not look back. Look at the roller coaster ride he's putting you on now...

(((hugs)))
Christine

JT

In the first blush of any relationship there are a lot things that are said. Time is what proves whether it is meant to be or not. It is up to you to decide if you want to stay with someone. who in one moment (when it is convenient) says he wants you and in the next (when it is not) becomes nearly violent in his rage and cruel in what he says.

Drugs or alcohol are not the issue here. How he treats you is.

Hugs,
JT

benefits

Thanks. Is it normal for someone to have such a drastic change of personality if they are not under the influence of drugs or alcohol??? I guess what I'm wondering is if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill as far as his drugs and drinking to make me feel better when in actuality maybe he just really doesn't want me and I am too stupid to realize this or maybe I'm in denial.

SBJKE32

I would have to agree with drgnfly30. Get out while you can, while you or your son is not attached to him. You don't want that for your son either, trust me. If you want to be friends with this man, let him approach you, don't go looking for him, you will probably find out that he isn't everything he says he is.

Zoey

IMO It is best to run.
I have heard and I believe to be true if you get out , do not try to be friends, do not talk on phone, do not see him. Any contact brings back the love or caring feelings. Don't ask about him. If no contact you will be over him quicker, much quicker. I have forgotten how long you have known him, but if has been 1 year, then without any contact you will be over him in 6mo. One can white knuckle it for that long.

Please read all these posts, it is a "NO WIN" situation. Knowing what we all know, I myself would not get a child into this. Just my thoughts. Each situation is different.
Many did not know SO was an A till after married for a while, that is a diff situation, Some SO is father of your child. Thats really a diff situation.

The strange thing is, if EVERYONE abandons the addict, some seek help, if after everyone abandoms them and they don't seek help, then prob there is no help.
Not written in stone, but seems that way. Read stories in the back of the AA Big Book, and see how far down many of them go. I myself want to help every A. and Al-Anon as I am both. I think if we walked in the male shoes, it wld be easier to understand, but that is a long story. Understanding does not help to get them well, but we don't get so angry.
Best Always for you and your child. Take anything that makes sense and skip the rest.