I think I am sick
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
I think I am sick
Okay I know he is still drinking, not in front of me and we don't even fight about it. (it still disgusts me)
I can't believe I am even thinking this it's so messed up.......I want him to do something terrible because I want to have a reason to say You're outta here buddy! Am I totally crazy????
He drinks while he is driving, it's just a matter of time before something does happen. I know I am trying to think of the worst so I can have something to worry about.
Sometimes he is overly nice and sometimes he is an A$$, but he always gets on my nerves!!!!! I am tired of the ride good or bad.........
I can't believe I am even thinking this it's so messed up.......I want him to do something terrible because I want to have a reason to say You're outta here buddy! Am I totally crazy????
He drinks while he is driving, it's just a matter of time before something does happen. I know I am trying to think of the worst so I can have something to worry about.
Sometimes he is overly nice and sometimes he is an A$$, but he always gets on my nerves!!!!! I am tired of the ride good or bad.........
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I know where you are at and it sucks, and I am sorry that so many people are affected by this disease.....
what you said is exaxtly how I feel.........sober or not sober, I dont like him much......I am so tired of worrying and stressing about him..........that I had no choice but to stop, because I was going down hill so fast that I felt like I was sinking.........I had to start taking care of me, because these kids need someone to be there for them....I have my bad days, but things are a whole lot better for the most part, since I started to put all that worry I had on him, and put it back on me.........
what you said is exaxtly how I feel.........sober or not sober, I dont like him much......I am so tired of worrying and stressing about him..........that I had no choice but to stop, because I was going down hill so fast that I felt like I was sinking.........I had to start taking care of me, because these kids need someone to be there for them....I have my bad days, but things are a whole lot better for the most part, since I started to put all that worry I had on him, and put it back on me.........
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
queen - yep - mine still drinks - not in front of me (closet drinker) - disgusts me (yep) - don't say anything about it (yep).
i know how you feel - i think we wish anything else would happen to give us a "reason" to end it. but we already have enough reason (taking care of ourselves) - we just haven't got to the point where we really believe that is enough of a reason. or maybe we want it to be someone else's "fault"? i don't know - but i do know how you are feeling and gracey is right, we need to keep on keepin' on with ourselves.
(((((hugs to you))))
i know how you feel - i think we wish anything else would happen to give us a "reason" to end it. but we already have enough reason (taking care of ourselves) - we just haven't got to the point where we really believe that is enough of a reason. or maybe we want it to be someone else's "fault"? i don't know - but i do know how you are feeling and gracey is right, we need to keep on keepin' on with ourselves.
(((((hugs to you))))
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
I remember being there... I even remember secretly wishing he would die in a one car accident (with no one else getting hurt) so that it would be over.... now how crazy is THAT???
I was told to try to think "happy thoughts" .... so my first happy thoughts were how I might spend the life insurance money after he died from his stupid choices. I DID ultimately realize that I probably needed different "happy thoughts"...
I had to learn to detach. I had to learn to replace those destructive, obsessive thoughts about HIM with something healthy and uplifting. I found books on recovery - Al Anon literature and Co Dependency literature, and I read them. When I woke up in the middle of the night angry or sad or anxious - I read until I could go back to sleep. I started using the Serenity Prayer like a mantra. I would repeat it to myself over and over and OVER again when I found myself in an uncomfortable situation with him.
And I also came to realize, over time, that I could work to make a nice and fulfilling and rich life, with or withOUT him. He got worse and I got better... but his stuff is his stuff and not mine to worry about.
Life can be rich and full and beautiful. Trust me!
Barb
I was told to try to think "happy thoughts" .... so my first happy thoughts were how I might spend the life insurance money after he died from his stupid choices. I DID ultimately realize that I probably needed different "happy thoughts"...
I had to learn to detach. I had to learn to replace those destructive, obsessive thoughts about HIM with something healthy and uplifting. I found books on recovery - Al Anon literature and Co Dependency literature, and I read them. When I woke up in the middle of the night angry or sad or anxious - I read until I could go back to sleep. I started using the Serenity Prayer like a mantra. I would repeat it to myself over and over and OVER again when I found myself in an uncomfortable situation with him.
And I also came to realize, over time, that I could work to make a nice and fulfilling and rich life, with or withOUT him. He got worse and I got better... but his stuff is his stuff and not mine to worry about.
Life can be rich and full and beautiful. Trust me!
Barb
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Osier: I almost had to laugh when I read your post! OMG, I remember thinking alot of those same very things! I wanted my AH out of my life and yet I was too weak to get him out of my life myself. (still makes me shake my head in disbelief as well as the complete absudity of the whole thing)
Here in the past few weeks to a month or so, AH has given me reason to believe that he is drinking again.
We don't even live together anymore and I've had those thoughts of wishing he'd get a DUI or that his parents would find out he's drinking, etc. Why? because I want everyone to see the truth!!!!!! (And I want to be right! and be able to say, "I told you soooo".) LOL.
Okay, so I have come a long way in my recovery but obviously have a ways to go.
Is it normal to want to have proof that your AH is drinking when you just know it's true? yep, it's confirmation to your gut! proof to your instincts! And even proof to that sick part of you that lives, eats, breaths the AH that is in your life.
This may not be "normal" in the real world. But for life with an addict, I think you're very "normal" - even if our idea of normal really is sick.
Here in the past few weeks to a month or so, AH has given me reason to believe that he is drinking again.
We don't even live together anymore and I've had those thoughts of wishing he'd get a DUI or that his parents would find out he's drinking, etc. Why? because I want everyone to see the truth!!!!!! (And I want to be right! and be able to say, "I told you soooo".) LOL.
Okay, so I have come a long way in my recovery but obviously have a ways to go.
Is it normal to want to have proof that your AH is drinking when you just know it's true? yep, it's confirmation to your gut! proof to your instincts! And even proof to that sick part of you that lives, eats, breaths the AH that is in your life.
This may not be "normal" in the real world. But for life with an addict, I think you're very "normal" - even if our idea of normal really is sick.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 193
Originally Posted by osier59
I remember being there... I even remember secretly wishing he would die in a one car accident (with no one else getting hurt) so that it would be over.... now how crazy is THAT???
I actually knew a woman who was married to an A (had to have been 35 years ago).. she had two young kids & was miserable, he was controlling, wouldn't let her out of the house, no job, no way out etc... One night she got a call from the police.. her AH was out with his A brother, the brother lost control (drunk) & ran off the road.. killed them both.
She told me (only because I could relate) that the relief she & the kids felt was unbelievable.. they went out to dinner to celebrate... not his death but the freedom they could now experience.
Some 15 years after hearing this story, I have to admit that I have felt a twinge of jealousy that she was afforded a way out without having to make the decision....
Welcome to Crazytown!
Christine :crazy:
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
I also want to comment on the need for proof or validation
One of the things that we all have in common is the crazymaking that goes on in our lives. It comes in a variety of forms... sometimes we live in total denial to ourselves or to the outside world.
The family line is "Everything is JUST FINE".
OR we are being given all the classic signs that our loved one is drinking or using, but that same loved one is doing his/her very best to convince us that what we see and hear and smell is NOT the truth and is NOT happening and in fact is something else perfectly normal and different... and they are masters of the con and usually pretty charming and at some level we really REALLY want to believe them. After awhile, we get to where we have to decide - do we not trust them or do we NOT trust ourselves???
Slowly, we start to find some recovery. Or we just get tired of the lies and the double speak and keeping secrets from everyone else in our lives. And then we want to have some confirmation that what we see and hear and smell IS REAL. We want someone else to understand our own personal hell and we want some validation that we AREN'T crazy and that we ARE smart and valuable etc etc.
Once I decided to open the door and let the rest of the world see how we lived in our private life... it was an amazing thing. I watched friends and family go thru the same disbelief and self doubts. And I got some validation. It was important for me to have people understand... and to tell me I wasn't crazy.
I found the most support and the most understanding at Al Anon meetings. Not only did they understand, they had stories similar to mine. I wasn't a freak or an outsider. These people truly knew how I had lived, and they offered a new way of life if I would only follow their program.
We understand. And we know your truth. And you know mine. It's how I used to live... but not how I choose to live anymore.
Hugs and love
Barb
One of the things that we all have in common is the crazymaking that goes on in our lives. It comes in a variety of forms... sometimes we live in total denial to ourselves or to the outside world.
The family line is "Everything is JUST FINE".
OR we are being given all the classic signs that our loved one is drinking or using, but that same loved one is doing his/her very best to convince us that what we see and hear and smell is NOT the truth and is NOT happening and in fact is something else perfectly normal and different... and they are masters of the con and usually pretty charming and at some level we really REALLY want to believe them. After awhile, we get to where we have to decide - do we not trust them or do we NOT trust ourselves???
Slowly, we start to find some recovery. Or we just get tired of the lies and the double speak and keeping secrets from everyone else in our lives. And then we want to have some confirmation that what we see and hear and smell IS REAL. We want someone else to understand our own personal hell and we want some validation that we AREN'T crazy and that we ARE smart and valuable etc etc.
Once I decided to open the door and let the rest of the world see how we lived in our private life... it was an amazing thing. I watched friends and family go thru the same disbelief and self doubts. And I got some validation. It was important for me to have people understand... and to tell me I wasn't crazy.
I found the most support and the most understanding at Al Anon meetings. Not only did they understand, they had stories similar to mine. I wasn't a freak or an outsider. These people truly knew how I had lived, and they offered a new way of life if I would only follow their program.
We understand. And we know your truth. And you know mine. It's how I used to live... but not how I choose to live anymore.
Hugs and love
Barb
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