New Here, Looking for advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
New Here, Looking for advice
This may be long and I apologize in advance.
I have a live-in ABF. We've been together for 3 years.
He seems to love drama, if things are going well, he'll invent something just to add drama. He'll fall down on his face and yell for me to call 911. He'll miss the bed and end up sleeping on the floor. I ignore it all which infuriates him. AT his age and at the his level of drinking on of these days it's going to be a real medical problem and I only hope the good Lord will allow me to recognize it.
I have boundries set. He cannot drive my car, does not have keys. I refuse to have conversations with him when he's drunk, most of the time I simply ignore him. I will not ride with him if I suspect any drinking. I keep our accounts separate.
He goes to work every day, drinks a beer or two in the evenings, however, on most weekends (particularly the weekend after his payday) or days off he is drunk 24//7.
What I don't understand is his behavior and I'm hoping one or more of you can help me understand if this is the norm for a drunk or does he have other issues as well.
He behaves like a young child. Temper tantrums. Behaves as if I (and the world) owe him something and when he does not receive it, he's instantly into a drunken drama. He's jealous of what others have.
Example. It's Sunday. My car (an old one) needed transmission work. I decided it was not worth the repair so I began looking for a new-to-me car. My old one was a 86, I decided I wanted to at least get into the 90s.
I found a '91, very sound mechanically. Body has no dents, the milage was low. It's major flaw was it is covered in advertising stickers, and I do mean covered. I bought it for a low price once I calculated the cost+the cost of a paint job+the usual maintenence+state fees would be less than blue book.
I asked BF, would you like to take me over to pick it up or should I call a friend? (He was sober) He said "sure". Picked up the car friday. He's been drunk ever since.
Reason he gives? My new-to-me car is nicer than his! How can I expect him to live with that, why didn't I let him buy it, why do I need it, who do I think I am ect ect. I've ignored him.
I make more money than he does. (almost twice as much) We share the rent, I buy and prepare all our food. I see no reason to make a meal in anticipation that he might come home after drinking. He sees that as cruel...how dare I not make him a meal.
I don't think I'm being unjust. I feel if you want to interact, mealtime or anytime you should do so with your wits about you. Furthermore, I think if I cook meals for him when he's drunk, I'm enabling him to free up more money to drink with! I actually use that as a yardstick for everything, if he's not drunk I have no problem sharing, if he is, he's on his own. Am I wrong in this reasoning?
He freely admits he's an alcoholic but insists it's not a problem for him. My reply is always the same: And you won't make it my problem, either.
It's his payday weekend. For the next two weeks he will complain of having no money and will ask to borrow some. I'll say no. He won't get over the top drunk because he can't afford it and then once payday rolls around again, this whole scenario will roll again. We are not children, both of us have recently turned 50. A month or so will go by when it's clear he's trying to cut back and then BOOM! some little thing will happen that he'll make a mountain out of and it'll start again.
Advice? Ideas? Should I just cut my losses and leave? Would love to hear from those eiter living the life or have lived it.
Thanks all.
I have a live-in ABF. We've been together for 3 years.
He seems to love drama, if things are going well, he'll invent something just to add drama. He'll fall down on his face and yell for me to call 911. He'll miss the bed and end up sleeping on the floor. I ignore it all which infuriates him. AT his age and at the his level of drinking on of these days it's going to be a real medical problem and I only hope the good Lord will allow me to recognize it.
I have boundries set. He cannot drive my car, does not have keys. I refuse to have conversations with him when he's drunk, most of the time I simply ignore him. I will not ride with him if I suspect any drinking. I keep our accounts separate.
He goes to work every day, drinks a beer or two in the evenings, however, on most weekends (particularly the weekend after his payday) or days off he is drunk 24//7.
What I don't understand is his behavior and I'm hoping one or more of you can help me understand if this is the norm for a drunk or does he have other issues as well.
He behaves like a young child. Temper tantrums. Behaves as if I (and the world) owe him something and when he does not receive it, he's instantly into a drunken drama. He's jealous of what others have.
Example. It's Sunday. My car (an old one) needed transmission work. I decided it was not worth the repair so I began looking for a new-to-me car. My old one was a 86, I decided I wanted to at least get into the 90s.
I found a '91, very sound mechanically. Body has no dents, the milage was low. It's major flaw was it is covered in advertising stickers, and I do mean covered. I bought it for a low price once I calculated the cost+the cost of a paint job+the usual maintenence+state fees would be less than blue book.
I asked BF, would you like to take me over to pick it up or should I call a friend? (He was sober) He said "sure". Picked up the car friday. He's been drunk ever since.
Reason he gives? My new-to-me car is nicer than his! How can I expect him to live with that, why didn't I let him buy it, why do I need it, who do I think I am ect ect. I've ignored him.
I make more money than he does. (almost twice as much) We share the rent, I buy and prepare all our food. I see no reason to make a meal in anticipation that he might come home after drinking. He sees that as cruel...how dare I not make him a meal.
I don't think I'm being unjust. I feel if you want to interact, mealtime or anytime you should do so with your wits about you. Furthermore, I think if I cook meals for him when he's drunk, I'm enabling him to free up more money to drink with! I actually use that as a yardstick for everything, if he's not drunk I have no problem sharing, if he is, he's on his own. Am I wrong in this reasoning?
He freely admits he's an alcoholic but insists it's not a problem for him. My reply is always the same: And you won't make it my problem, either.
It's his payday weekend. For the next two weeks he will complain of having no money and will ask to borrow some. I'll say no. He won't get over the top drunk because he can't afford it and then once payday rolls around again, this whole scenario will roll again. We are not children, both of us have recently turned 50. A month or so will go by when it's clear he's trying to cut back and then BOOM! some little thing will happen that he'll make a mountain out of and it'll start again.
Advice? Ideas? Should I just cut my losses and leave? Would love to hear from those eiter living the life or have lived it.
Thanks all.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Welcome to SR!
You have found a great site here for help and support.
Behaving like a child is common, in my experience. It is suggested that alcoholics' emotional development stops at the age when they started drinking. Stands to reason - we learn to deal with life by having to deal with life. If you avoid facing up to problems by drinking, then you don't learn the lessons.
One question that springs to mind when I read your story is, what are you getting out of this relationship?
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
You have found a great site here for help and support.
Behaving like a child is common, in my experience. It is suggested that alcoholics' emotional development stops at the age when they started drinking. Stands to reason - we learn to deal with life by having to deal with life. If you avoid facing up to problems by drinking, then you don't learn the lessons.
One question that springs to mind when I read your story is, what are you getting out of this relationship?
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
good question :)
Actually, I'll give you that stock answer...when he's sober we have a great relationship. We can talk for hours, laugh, plan...all the things you want in a relationship. He's warm, never abusive, funny and easy on the eyes. hahaha
It's that old saying about adding alcohol and getting an instant _____, you understand.
On a practical level,he pays half the rent. We live in a very expensive state in one of it's most expensive counties. My job allows me to work from home and I interact with many agenicies. If I move I will make many many hours of work for myself changing contact info with many places and of course I have a contract on things like my DSL.
I could pay the rent by myself but it would take 43% of my total income. Right now I pay around 22% allowing me a good bit for my savings and retirement (my job offers no retirement benefits).
Thanks, I appreciate any feedback and your question.
It's that old saying about adding alcohol and getting an instant _____, you understand.
On a practical level,he pays half the rent. We live in a very expensive state in one of it's most expensive counties. My job allows me to work from home and I interact with many agenicies. If I move I will make many many hours of work for myself changing contact info with many places and of course I have a contract on things like my DSL.
I could pay the rent by myself but it would take 43% of my total income. Right now I pay around 22% allowing me a good bit for my savings and retirement (my job offers no retirement benefits).
Thanks, I appreciate any feedback and your question.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
walkingtheline,
I guess you need to decide whether what you're getting from him when he's sober is enough to balance out what you don't get when he's drinking. The personality split (warm and loving when sober/mean and nasty when drinking) is pretty typical.
Only you can decide what's best for you and what is going to give you a happy life.
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Stick around.
I guess you need to decide whether what you're getting from him when he's sober is enough to balance out what you don't get when he's drinking. The personality split (warm and loving when sober/mean and nasty when drinking) is pretty typical.
Only you can decide what's best for you and what is going to give you a happy life.
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Stick around.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcome to SR walkingtheline....
This is a great site. If you can read all the posts you will find this is a no win situation.
Sorry to say that. Many of us would like to advise you to just walk away, but it is up to you. We all want the best for you.
Minnie is so right, we stop growing emotionally once we can drown emotions in drink.
If I get drunk on just Sat night the booze stays in the system past 7 days, so the next Sat drunk has not given time to learn to deal with life or emotions. So if he started to drink at age 13, then that is where he is emotionally. Some exceptions. We all know how teen agers are.
Also I have studied the male brain, They are so diff frm the female.
They can't fix a bowl of soup if you are ill, if they see tears, they run. If they can't fix with hammer and nails they are lost. (Smile) thats just my simple take, and there is always exceptions.
We living with an A, are to just take care of us, but I think it helps to understand men. It helped me very much. Also in the AA Big Book the stories in the back tells us some of their problems with life and living.
I am both AA and Al-Anon. The more I studied and learned the more acceptance , and understanding I had. It was also much easier to not enable or get into the chaos.
Each case is different.
Best for you always and keep coming back.
This is a great site. If you can read all the posts you will find this is a no win situation.
Sorry to say that. Many of us would like to advise you to just walk away, but it is up to you. We all want the best for you.
Minnie is so right, we stop growing emotionally once we can drown emotions in drink.
If I get drunk on just Sat night the booze stays in the system past 7 days, so the next Sat drunk has not given time to learn to deal with life or emotions. So if he started to drink at age 13, then that is where he is emotionally. Some exceptions. We all know how teen agers are.
Also I have studied the male brain, They are so diff frm the female.
They can't fix a bowl of soup if you are ill, if they see tears, they run. If they can't fix with hammer and nails they are lost. (Smile) thats just my simple take, and there is always exceptions.
We living with an A, are to just take care of us, but I think it helps to understand men. It helped me very much. Also in the AA Big Book the stories in the back tells us some of their problems with life and living.
I am both AA and Al-Anon. The more I studied and learned the more acceptance , and understanding I had. It was also much easier to not enable or get into the chaos.
Each case is different.
Best for you always and keep coming back.
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
MY soon to be xAH was so sweet and funny and loveable untill he hit that
drunk place then he was stubborn and verbally abusive--it didn't happen often for the first 2 or 3 years then it started to esculate--at the 9 year point he was pretty
much a waste at 11 years he opted to divorce me rather than try recovery. You
can take this information and use it or forget it--it's just a real life example of the
esculation of the desease. Smiles---Dee
drunk place then he was stubborn and verbally abusive--it didn't happen often for the first 2 or 3 years then it started to esculate--at the 9 year point he was pretty
much a waste at 11 years he opted to divorce me rather than try recovery. You
can take this information and use it or forget it--it's just a real life example of the
esculation of the desease. Smiles---Dee
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by Clancy46
They can't fix a bowl of soup if you are ill, if they see tears, they run. If they can't fix with hammer and nails they are lost. (Smile) thats just my simple take, and there is always exceptions.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Gabe Hi....Nice you jumped in, I did mention exceptions twice. I do always want to get that across. I am sure I do not know as many people as you know, but wanted to say my DAD was an exception, he lived the AA program and he never ever had a drink.
My hubby was an exception in many ways, but did not know what to do with an illness. His family was extremely healthy, I think to them illness was a weakness to be ashamed of.
In the AA program I have an adopted brother sorta that can listen to every sob story and tries to help find solutions. he had a nursing home for a number of years and was careing and kind, understanding and helpful.
But then I have an AA adopted son sorta, we 3 have been family for over 20 years., But my AA adopted kid cannot handle illness, but he is fantastic otherwise. He will make the soup and take you to the Dr. or hospital , but then you are to be totally well. and ready for fun things. He admits he is a hammer and nail problem solver, like take the car for oil change , tuneup or new tires and all is fixed.
Just had to share those tidbits. I am so thankful we are all 3 sober, as we all 3 have depression at times.
I knew some non drinking husbands that left their wives because they had MS. Maybe more to it, so I really do not judge, but just seems sad. We are all human and some not as strong as others or what??
So glad you are here, and thanks for being you. clancy46
My hubby was an exception in many ways, but did not know what to do with an illness. His family was extremely healthy, I think to them illness was a weakness to be ashamed of.
In the AA program I have an adopted brother sorta that can listen to every sob story and tries to help find solutions. he had a nursing home for a number of years and was careing and kind, understanding and helpful.
But then I have an AA adopted son sorta, we 3 have been family for over 20 years., But my AA adopted kid cannot handle illness, but he is fantastic otherwise. He will make the soup and take you to the Dr. or hospital , but then you are to be totally well. and ready for fun things. He admits he is a hammer and nail problem solver, like take the car for oil change , tuneup or new tires and all is fixed.
Just had to share those tidbits. I am so thankful we are all 3 sober, as we all 3 have depression at times.
I knew some non drinking husbands that left their wives because they had MS. Maybe more to it, so I really do not judge, but just seems sad. We are all human and some not as strong as others or what??
So glad you are here, and thanks for being you. clancy46
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
walkingtheline,
you say that "I could pay the rent by myself but it would take 43% of my total income. Right now I pay around 22% allowing me a good bit for my savings and retirement (my job offers no retirement benefits)."
SO what you are saying is that you could leave him but you stay because of a financial advantage, and when he is not drinking he is fine. Well as they also say..you get what you pay for
you say that "I could pay the rent by myself but it would take 43% of my total income. Right now I pay around 22% allowing me a good bit for my savings and retirement (my job offers no retirement benefits)."
SO what you are saying is that you could leave him but you stay because of a financial advantage, and when he is not drinking he is fine. Well as they also say..you get what you pay for
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: folkestone, kent
Posts: 25
Hi! Sounds like a similar situation to mine. I kicked my AB out because he drove me mad with his self-absorption not to mention the drama and the neediness. I paid for most things too, cooked and took care of the bills. He was like a little boy in an old man's body. He was verbally abusive most of the time. I thought that things would improve when he stopped drinking. This was the surprise! They are still childish and needy and over-dramatic. If they've been that way for years, they learn to be a certain way to get their needs met. Then there's the depression and the doctors visits and the pill-taking. I sent him back to where he came from - his former girlfriend was a nanny. She was trained to take care of babies and she loved treating him like one. After two months of living with him, she was very welcome to the job. I have better things to do with my life. My ex needed a nanny, not a career woman for a girlfriend. I have fond memories - he was larger than life, a real character, intelligent, funny and sexy. But he was still a needy child who would fall out of bed, sulk on the sofa, vomit in the car, fall drunk in the bath tub with feet stuck in the air yelling for help, pick a fight out of nowhere and make everything my fault.
The weird thing is, I thought I was in love with him and even weirder - I thought he was in love with me! Now I am dealing with codependency issues and until I get to the bottom of why I allowed this parasite to abuse me, I won't ever be able to trust my own judgement when it comes to relationships.
The weird thing is, I thought I was in love with him and even weirder - I thought he was in love with me! Now I am dealing with codependency issues and until I get to the bottom of why I allowed this parasite to abuse me, I won't ever be able to trust my own judgement when it comes to relationships.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
Whiston...you and me BOTH. I'm trying to figure out how I thought I was so madly in love with this madman. REally....I have never known him NOT drinking. But I have a sneaking suspicion that all the issues....acting like a teenager, self-absorbed, abusive, etc. would go on regardless of the drinking or lack there of. Oh sure...he was good looking, very very sexy, said all the right things at the right time to get his way, contributed every now and then to the household finalncially and otherwise. BUT....yep.....it really wasn't worth it in the long run. He somehow had me so convinced that I needed him Well i'm on my own now....and amazingly not only do i KNOT need him. I can't even imagine why it was I thought I wanted him in the first place.
You know.... a lot of it was the disease with this man. But most of it was jsut HIM. I dated another man for a while who was a widower. And I thought oh gosh that was inconsiderate but poor dear, he's just lost his wife. Well, I caught on after a while. His jerkness had NOTHING to do wtih being a widower. HE was a jerk WAY before his wife died. And yes....why do I keep falling for these guys that make my life miserable???? ARGH
You know.... a lot of it was the disease with this man. But most of it was jsut HIM. I dated another man for a while who was a widower. And I thought oh gosh that was inconsiderate but poor dear, he's just lost his wife. Well, I caught on after a while. His jerkness had NOTHING to do wtih being a widower. HE was a jerk WAY before his wife died. And yes....why do I keep falling for these guys that make my life miserable???? ARGH
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