JessicaNAJ

A couple days ago I had mentioned that I was waiting for my AH to pick up his w-2 from his boss so we could get our taxes filed. This was something we did together every year. It was my responsibility to get us there and get it done. He was on another binge so of course he didn't pick it up.

I said the serenity prayer - and I got an answer.

I called to see if I could file without him, they said I could. So I made an appointment. It was today at 2:00. That gave me so much peace. I was getting so frustrated with him b/c he wasn't picking up his w-2 and I was constantly on him to get it. Now that I know I could go by myself, I had peace and no longer had that excuse to call him.

I told my AH 2 days ago about this appointment and left it up to him to contact me to tell me whether or not he'd be there. I did not call him I did ask him if he got it or to ask him if he was going to make it (let me tell ya, that was hard not to do). It was totally up to him if he was going to show up or not.

He called me today and told me he'd meet me.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (I cannot make him pick up his w-2 and file his taxes)

To change the things I can (I can make an appointment and do this without him)

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Dee at Mt Bully

Good for you Jess--it must have felt like a big load off when you realized you
could do it without him. You will find more and more things you don't need him for
and then he will either pay attention or loose out. Smiles--Dee

JessicaNAJ

It was a big load off to know that I didn't have to wait for him.

I've been doing everything for both of us, financially - you name it, for years. I guess you could say I was holding his hand. But it wasn't b/c he couldn't do anything, it was b/c I had to have things done a certain way and I knew that if I didn't do it, it would never get done. He was and still is a huge procrastinator, it drives me nuts. I'm one of those people who want it done now and the correct way, not half @$$ed. So I slowly and without realizing it took over all the responsibility and forced him to go along with my way. I wouldn't have my house otherwise.

Last night, I wanted to call him to ask him if he was going to go. It was almost like I was trying to put myself in his head and I felt like I was letting him down if he didn't show up b/c I didn't force him. But I didn't call him. I can't take care of him anymore. The only one that will let him down in the future will be him. I have to do what I need to do for me and my sanity.

JessicaNAJ

There are alot of things I can really do without his help. I now sometimes find myself looking for excuses to ask his help just so he will feel included/so I don't hurt his feelings (or just b/c I get plain lazy and don't feel like doing it.) In the past, I'd find excuses to ask his help b/c that was the only way I got it.

What a mess!

But I'm learning, slowly. It is going to take a lot of willpower on my part to NOT find excuses to call him and NOT check up on him. My counselor was right, I think. I could very possibly be addicted to his alcoholic behavior. Not call him and not checking on him is just as hard to stop as it is to quit smoking. But I CAN and I WILL do it. (I just might have to smoke more though...lol)

cwohio

jess

boy do i know where you are coming from on that one! i think that is a character defect in me that i need to work on!

keep up the good work!

jessieandme2003

I was going to just say "Same Here!".

But then I realized I am a little further along in working on my self esteem, because I now realize that I am selling myself short when I take the blame like that. It is just another way I would excuse his behavior, by trying to say part of it was a flaw in my behavior/character.

Truth is, if he ever showed the ability to take care of any responsibility successfully, I would no doubt have learned that valuable trait our relationship was so lacking... Trust.

I never trusted him. Not in anything. And I know that now. So I did not feel 'secure' that he would do 'right' for me or for us. I now know I would want that in any future relationship. I want to be able to trust someone to share the repsonsiblities of life with me, including trusting someone to do what they know would make me feel happy, safe and secure.

I am putting it back on him, and not blamng myself, for feeling my way was the only way. My way was the only way because his ways sucked.

queenofthehwy

Jessica

I do the same thing everyday. I just want it done my way, and it makes me way too anxious waiting for him, not to mention I never let him do anything and so I didn't think he would know how.

The other day he wanted me to go and register his car for him and I told him I couldn't that day and he should go and do it himself. He freaked that I told him no, but did it anyway and it was fine. It felt so good to give him a little responsibility for once.

Mindi

minnie

If we do for others what they should be doing for themselves, we are effectively de-skilling them. They never learn from their mistakes.

When I am faced with this situation, I ask myself "how important is it?" and decide whether it is mine to own in the first place. Usually the answer is "not very" and "no"!

JessicaNAJ

That is a very good way to look at it. And your right. I had a friend tell me the exact same thing. I'm going to keep this and read it over and over until I get it.

If I did trust him to share the responsibility, I would have had to do everything. And our relationship wouldn't be lacking trust. - AND no, IT's NOT OK and I should accept all the blame. I was doing what I needed to do to survive. I will accept, though, that my neediness to survive became a controlling problem.

And Yes - I was de-skilling him. But I can't think that way b/c he is in major debt now and is using that as his excuse to drink. If I accept that blame, I will start feeling bad b/c he's in debt. He was NOT in debt when he left this house.

minnie

And why is he in debt? Because he drinks!! Circular argument.

Glad you've stepped out of that drama. I did too. Although my ex still owes me about $22,000. I bailed him out time and time again. Which left him a bit of spare cash. And what did he do with it? Pay off other debts? No, he used it to drink. And buy unnecessary stuff. And run up more debt.

Insanity, I tell ya.

JessicaNAJ

Yes - Yes - Yes I can't think of anythings else to say....lol

If he wasn't drinking he could focus on what his responsibilities are and take care of them. But instead he's using money he don't have to pay his bills and drinking it away - ok, that makes sense.....

It is insanity. I bailed my AH out too and he's right back where he was then.

escape artist

my 4 yr old is screaming at the top of her lungs to me while i was upstairs becoz her dad couldn't figure out how to put the DVD onto some music video section which she wanted to sing to Him!
i could have, usually would have but didn't this time. i said, your dad can do it- i will not. and he finally did figure it out, but i realized how much i micromanage EVERYTHING for him, and it is time he stepped up to the plate for God's sake and did it himself!

Gracey

I find myself saying I cant do things..................on purpose............I play dumb sometimes to certain things...........just to give him some of the responsibility....

Live

Stop it Gracey!

Said with love,
live

JessicaNAJ

Don't feel bad - I've done that too. I know, I know....STOP IT...lol