what boundaries have you set?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
what boundaries have you set?
I am currently mentally and physically overloaded but am working on that. On the other end of life with dealing with A's drinking: I haven't. He's been working hard (excuses) had been very nice overall (excuses) and isn't ready to talk about his drinking (excuses).
When I get done with the excuses and am ready to seriously talk to him I'd like to have the boundaries ready to set for myself and the kids.
- no drinking in the car, truck, work truck or boat. Period. We live in a state with no open container laws. It might not be against the law, but it doesn't mean I need to put up with it.
- no drinking and driving. This usually isn't an issue as he's always known I won't put up with it, but as his drinking increases so does his blood alcohol level even when he 'seems' to be fine. I know this will become an issue.
Short list so far. I'm not going to ban drinking in the home as I know he's not going to stop yet if ever - sad, but true - so I'd rather have him home than outside or elsewhere.
faith
When I get done with the excuses and am ready to seriously talk to him I'd like to have the boundaries ready to set for myself and the kids.
- no drinking in the car, truck, work truck or boat. Period. We live in a state with no open container laws. It might not be against the law, but it doesn't mean I need to put up with it.
- no drinking and driving. This usually isn't an issue as he's always known I won't put up with it, but as his drinking increases so does his blood alcohol level even when he 'seems' to be fine. I know this will become an issue.
Short list so far. I'm not going to ban drinking in the home as I know he's not going to stop yet if ever - sad, but true - so I'd rather have him home than outside or elsewhere.
faith
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
I found that when I set boundaries that were about HIS behavior, then I had no way of keeping them.
The boundary that I have set, is that if he comes home drunk again, then I am taking the kids and leaving. I am prepared to do that.
He has not drank for 2 weeks and appears to be a changed man.
I said numerous times, "NO DRINKING in the car...around the kids...in the house...." etc. Yet, nothing about MY behavior could make that boundary work.
You could set one like "I will not get in the car with you if you have been drinking" or "I will not allow the children in the boat if there is alcohol"...in that way, you have set a boundary that YOU can control.
Otherwise it is like making rules, that if he breaks, then you are the bad guy for making such a "mean" rule. At least that was the way it used to work in my house.
Many hugs to you.
Jenny
The boundary that I have set, is that if he comes home drunk again, then I am taking the kids and leaving. I am prepared to do that.
He has not drank for 2 weeks and appears to be a changed man.
I said numerous times, "NO DRINKING in the car...around the kids...in the house...." etc. Yet, nothing about MY behavior could make that boundary work.
You could set one like "I will not get in the car with you if you have been drinking" or "I will not allow the children in the boat if there is alcohol"...in that way, you have set a boundary that YOU can control.
Otherwise it is like making rules, that if he breaks, then you are the bad guy for making such a "mean" rule. At least that was the way it used to work in my house.
Many hugs to you.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hi KTF
Jenny's right - the boundaries have to be about us. Otherwise it's about control.
There are loads of threads on this if you want to do a search and read further.
Here's one that helped me http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=31111
One thing I always try and remember with boundaries is that there needs to be a consequence i.e. if X happens, then I will Y. And I make sure I do Y. Otherwise it's not a boundary.
Good luck
Love
Minnie
xxx
Jenny's right - the boundaries have to be about us. Otherwise it's about control.
There are loads of threads on this if you want to do a search and read further.
Here's one that helped me http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=31111
One thing I always try and remember with boundaries is that there needs to be a consequence i.e. if X happens, then I will Y. And I make sure I do Y. Otherwise it's not a boundary.
Good luck
Love
Minnie
xxx
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
The folks are right here--you have to set boundries that you control--again like
if you drink I and the kids will not ride in the car...If you set boundries that you can't controll--they will not have any value and they will only creat arguments. Your on
the right track though just a little different twist--best of luck--smiles--Dee
if you drink I and the kids will not ride in the car...If you set boundries that you can't controll--they will not have any value and they will only creat arguments. Your on
the right track though just a little different twist--best of luck--smiles--Dee
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