need advice on marriage counseling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
need advice on marriage counseling
Okay guys I know a lot of you have been to marriage counseling, so I need some help from you.....
Tomorrow is our first session and I am wondering what is going to happen. With the AH there am I suppose to spill my guts to the counseler or what I think AH will freak if I am too honest and we'll just end up in a huge fight. We are going to get individual counseling also, should I save the worst for that or just let it all out? I don't want him to think I am attacking him.
Mindi
Tomorrow is our first session and I am wondering what is going to happen. With the AH there am I suppose to spill my guts to the counseler or what I think AH will freak if I am too honest and we'll just end up in a huge fight. We are going to get individual counseling also, should I save the worst for that or just let it all out? I don't want him to think I am attacking him.
Mindi
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Well, AH and I went to marriage counseling many many years ago. In our case, we ended up with a counselor that truly had no clue about alcoholism; therefore wasn't a great deal of help. But there was one huge thing that I learned during that short time we attended. Unfortunately, though I heard the words, I didn't do anything about it. (Ahh...hindsite kick me in the butt)
Anyways......here's my opinion. For a first "together" session, more than likely the counselor is going to ask you why you are there. So I'd give that some major thought so you'll be prepared for the answer you wish to give. I'd also probably stick the major basics for a first visit. For example, lack of communication - trust issues - etc. (whatever the case may be in your own particular situation).
The main reason I don't feel that you should just unload on day one is that your AH also needs to be involved in this. If you completely unload, I'm afraid that your AH will feel attacked, therefore get defensive, which will also not get to any root of any problem. Also, if you are on a rant for the entire time that you're there, again, your AH will not have the opportunity to become involved as he won't have time.
I believe that people, relationships, etc. are all like onions in the fact that there are many layers to peel. Sometimes it's a very painful experience as it can take awhile to get through those layers.
Try looking at the meetings as a "one step at a time" thing. Pick 3 to 5 things that you truly want to focus on and begin there.
Now, mind you, this is just my opinion. And it may do you a lot of good if you do go on a major vent your first day. I think all couples are different and you really need to figure out what you think will work best for the both of you. Really give some thought though as to why you are attending the sessions. Sounds silly, but I think some people go there so they have a "referee" so to speak for their outbursts, or some people just need that confirmation - just knowing the couselor is going to put all the blame on the AH as we have done all these years which will just reinforce that "victim" role, and of course there are those that go in hopes of truly saving their marriage and/or making it the best it can possibly be, etc.
Whatever decision/route you decide to take - I wish you the best.
Word of advice: When your AH speaks, try not to get so defensive. Try to really "listen". You may discover a lot of answers you wouldn't hear otherwise.
Anyways......here's my opinion. For a first "together" session, more than likely the counselor is going to ask you why you are there. So I'd give that some major thought so you'll be prepared for the answer you wish to give. I'd also probably stick the major basics for a first visit. For example, lack of communication - trust issues - etc. (whatever the case may be in your own particular situation).
The main reason I don't feel that you should just unload on day one is that your AH also needs to be involved in this. If you completely unload, I'm afraid that your AH will feel attacked, therefore get defensive, which will also not get to any root of any problem. Also, if you are on a rant for the entire time that you're there, again, your AH will not have the opportunity to become involved as he won't have time.
I believe that people, relationships, etc. are all like onions in the fact that there are many layers to peel. Sometimes it's a very painful experience as it can take awhile to get through those layers.
Try looking at the meetings as a "one step at a time" thing. Pick 3 to 5 things that you truly want to focus on and begin there.
Now, mind you, this is just my opinion. And it may do you a lot of good if you do go on a major vent your first day. I think all couples are different and you really need to figure out what you think will work best for the both of you. Really give some thought though as to why you are attending the sessions. Sounds silly, but I think some people go there so they have a "referee" so to speak for their outbursts, or some people just need that confirmation - just knowing the couselor is going to put all the blame on the AH as we have done all these years which will just reinforce that "victim" role, and of course there are those that go in hopes of truly saving their marriage and/or making it the best it can possibly be, etc.
Whatever decision/route you decide to take - I wish you the best.
Word of advice: When your AH speaks, try not to get so defensive. Try to really "listen". You may discover a lot of answers you wouldn't hear otherwise.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
My 2 cents. Might be a good time to remember the, "I feel hurt when this happens", You know like maybe don't say "He does this, and he does that etc.
Or like , "I don't understand why these things happen", instead of , "why did YOU do that ???? I'm sure you've read posts on this. If they don't feel accused or blamed , just maybe he will talk. Just thought I wld mention, but best you go with your fellings. Another 2 words that causes trouble IMO is YOU SHOULD, YOU SHOULDN'T, and YOU ALWAYS. Best to you both,
I so hope it works out.
Or like , "I don't understand why these things happen", instead of , "why did YOU do that ???? I'm sure you've read posts on this. If they don't feel accused or blamed , just maybe he will talk. Just thought I wld mention, but best you go with your fellings. Another 2 words that causes trouble IMO is YOU SHOULD, YOU SHOULDN'T, and YOU ALWAYS. Best to you both,
I so hope it works out.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Good advice above!
yes, the "I" statements really work well as they don't feel they are being attacked. I have tried using I statements with my kids, with my AH, with employees, etc.
Here are some examples...
"I really want a passionate marriage, but I feel second in line to alcohol"
"I feel lonely as I don't feel I can count on him (or trust him) to be there because the pattern over the past two years has shown that drinking seems to be the priority."
Or, if you don't feel comfortable bringing up alcohol yet, leave it out
"I dreamed of a passionate marriage where we would do anything for each other, and leave love notes, and miss each other throughout the day - this isn't happening and I feel lonely."
I have been involved with, probably more than ten counselors (not exaggerating!!!) over the years (mine, myself, my kids, my AH) and I think it is very important for the counselor to know there is an addiction issue. But, that doesn't have to be the focus. If you bring up "trust" "lack of passion" whatever YOUR concerns are, that may lead to the alcoholism, if the counselor feels it is necessary. And, if your addict is anything like mine, the counselor WILL DEFINITELY take it there!!!
I would do less worrying about how HE may react, and think about what YOU want to accomplish and communicate.
Good luck with your appointment.
yes, the "I" statements really work well as they don't feel they are being attacked. I have tried using I statements with my kids, with my AH, with employees, etc.
Here are some examples...
"I really want a passionate marriage, but I feel second in line to alcohol"
"I feel lonely as I don't feel I can count on him (or trust him) to be there because the pattern over the past two years has shown that drinking seems to be the priority."
Or, if you don't feel comfortable bringing up alcohol yet, leave it out
"I dreamed of a passionate marriage where we would do anything for each other, and leave love notes, and miss each other throughout the day - this isn't happening and I feel lonely."
I have been involved with, probably more than ten counselors (not exaggerating!!!) over the years (mine, myself, my kids, my AH) and I think it is very important for the counselor to know there is an addiction issue. But, that doesn't have to be the focus. If you bring up "trust" "lack of passion" whatever YOUR concerns are, that may lead to the alcoholism, if the counselor feels it is necessary. And, if your addict is anything like mine, the counselor WILL DEFINITELY take it there!!!
I would do less worrying about how HE may react, and think about what YOU want to accomplish and communicate.
Good luck with your appointment.
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Posts: n/a
I went to marriage counseling for the wrong reasons.......I had not been in alanon long, so when we went it was after the affair was found out and he said he would do anything to save our marriage..........
I went so the counselor would tell him how right I was and show my h the light. Our sessions were a night mare..........I was going for the wrong reasons.........he wasnt and still isnt ready he went for me and I went for him to be fixed and I knew I couldnt fix him and maybe the counselor could......I did learn something from counseling though......and it was because I also went to alanon and to this site.........I needed to work on me.........after 16 marriage counseling appointments, most of them were pure hell for both of us...........I decided this is crap...........but I was starting to learn my part in all of this and also learned that I have started to come to terms with certain things within myself. and I was will and ready to start working on my issues and stop placing all the blame on my H.........we quit counseling........it was doing us both no good and he wasnt ready to seek recovery for himself........he wanted to quit way before me, but was continuing for me.........so we quit going..........
I continued and still continue to try to figure out me...........and so I decided to seek individual counseling, so I can get healthier........
I think if both parties are really willing to look at themselves and stop playing the blame game, that you could have great results...........It just matters if both parties are ready to seek recovery for themselves or if they are doing it for the other person to try to make the other perosn happpy...........
I realize that I am the only person that can make me happy and I am going to stop looking for my H to make me happy............I am aware of how sick I am so I am going to get help for me...........and one day maybe he will be ready but until then, I have to think of me cause I cant live this nightmare anymore.......
I went so the counselor would tell him how right I was and show my h the light. Our sessions were a night mare..........I was going for the wrong reasons.........he wasnt and still isnt ready he went for me and I went for him to be fixed and I knew I couldnt fix him and maybe the counselor could......I did learn something from counseling though......and it was because I also went to alanon and to this site.........I needed to work on me.........after 16 marriage counseling appointments, most of them were pure hell for both of us...........I decided this is crap...........but I was starting to learn my part in all of this and also learned that I have started to come to terms with certain things within myself. and I was will and ready to start working on my issues and stop placing all the blame on my H.........we quit counseling........it was doing us both no good and he wasnt ready to seek recovery for himself........he wanted to quit way before me, but was continuing for me.........so we quit going..........
I continued and still continue to try to figure out me...........and so I decided to seek individual counseling, so I can get healthier........
I think if both parties are really willing to look at themselves and stop playing the blame game, that you could have great results...........It just matters if both parties are ready to seek recovery for themselves or if they are doing it for the other person to try to make the other perosn happpy...........
I realize that I am the only person that can make me happy and I am going to stop looking for my H to make me happy............I am aware of how sick I am so I am going to get help for me...........and one day maybe he will be ready but until then, I have to think of me cause I cant live this nightmare anymore.......
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Queen
The big lesson I learnt in couples counselling was to let him talk. I didn't need to fill in the gaps. And I certainly didn't need to interrupt. You will both get a chance to respond to what has been said.
Honesty is really important, but like others have said, keep it to "I" statements, rather than accusations.
Good luck
Love
Minnie
xxx
The big lesson I learnt in couples counselling was to let him talk. I didn't need to fill in the gaps. And I certainly didn't need to interrupt. You will both get a chance to respond to what has been said.
Honesty is really important, but like others have said, keep it to "I" statements, rather than accusations.
Good luck
Love
Minnie
xxx
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
When the AH and I went to counseling as a couple the counselor had a simple
list of questions--like why are you here--what is your main problem...She was very
able to figure out the AH's drinking problem without me dumping everything on
her at once. I found it was important to let her ask him quetions and dragggg the
answers out of him. So my thought would be let the counselor take the lead so your
A won't feel ganged up on. The other thing I learned is you may not be comfortable
with the first counselor you see--you may have to visit more than one counselor to find one that works for you. smiles and prayers--Dee
list of questions--like why are you here--what is your main problem...She was very
able to figure out the AH's drinking problem without me dumping everything on
her at once. I found it was important to let her ask him quetions and dragggg the
answers out of him. So my thought would be let the counselor take the lead so your
A won't feel ganged up on. The other thing I learned is you may not be comfortable
with the first counselor you see--you may have to visit more than one counselor to find one that works for you. smiles and prayers--Dee
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Well we went yesterday. The counselor was so great. He took us in individually at first then together to make a plan about how often we would go and what kind of things he does.
I was able to say everything I wanted because A wasn't with me. I asked if he had any experience with addiction and guess what.......he was a substance abuse counselor for 5 years before he started doing this!!!!!!
We are each going for individual and 1x a week and marriage 1x a week. And A even said he liked him.
I was able to say everything I wanted because A wasn't with me. I asked if he had any experience with addiction and guess what.......he was a substance abuse counselor for 5 years before he started doing this!!!!!!
We are each going for individual and 1x a week and marriage 1x a week. And A even said he liked him.
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