Sophia57

My dad's really ill in hospital He's 81 and has heart trouble. He's been there for nearly two weeks now and may need surgery. My A has been moving between being really nice and not want to hear about it at all. All my family are learning on me and as usual I'm running around making arrangements, phoning everyone to keep them informed, trying to support my mother who's falling apart, etc. I'm also trying to hold down my full-time job.
The reason I feel like a horrible person is that last night as we came out of the hospital after seeing my dad cry he felt so down, I suddenly felt really angry and irritated with everyone, including my mum and dad! What the hell is this? I felt ok when I woke up today but it set in again as soon as my sister rang to see had I rung the hospital and when can I get in to see the consultant etc etc.
How do I cope with this resentment? I usually bend over backwards fixing people's problems but selfishly i just feel so taken for granted. Right now I want to run away and I can't tell any of this to my A.
Anyone ever felt like this?
Thanks
Sophia

minnie

(((sophia)))

I am sorry to hear you have so much on your plate at the moment. It's no wonder that your emotions are all over the place - you are under a lot of stress. Be gentle on yourself and try and take a little bit of time out to look after yourself.

Oh, and I don't believe it's selfish to feel that you are being taken for granted. We codies are very good at thinking that we are selfish, when actually we are just doing what we can.

Take care, hon.

Love

Minnie
xxx

drgnfly30

I too have felt like you... 3 years ago my Dad was dying of brain cancer.. Mom was totally dependent on him (stopped driving when he retired, he made all the decisions etc...) So I was responsible for driving 1/2 hour away to pick them up, double back & drive 45 minutes to the hospital & then 45 minutes back to drop them off, 1/2 hour back to my house - every other day... did the grocery shopping for them & my family, made arrangements, hospice calls, worked full time, two kids of my own... you get the idea... My only living sibling was across the country & never made any offer to fly out & help out - but she certainly stuck her nose in my decisions - calling the drs & checking out the options my mom & I had chosen... the final straw was when Dad finally passed away she, BIL & the kids didn't want to fly out so we had to delay the memorial service so she could take a 4 day train ride out, only to have BIL & the kids sit in the car during the service because BIL didn't want to scare the kids (duh it was a memorial service, no coffin, not even his urn!!!) The whole time I felt like everything I was doing was going without 'praise', that everyone just expected me to hold the family up (probably set myself up for that one!!) Unfortunately, I'm still holding resentments against Sis for not standing up to BIL, the BIL for being such an a**. Obviously since 3+ years later I'm still not over it, I don't have an "answer" for you, but I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone & you arent a horrible person.. you are just dealing with a ton of stress & coping the best you can.
Hugs & prayers for you & yours!
Christine

FaithChaser

Sophia, I can totally relate. I think what you are experiencing is some displaced anger, I dunno but I do that all the time. You are probably mad at the illness and scared and in need of some help and support. Who wouldn't get upset seeing their dad cry??? It's okay to ask for it from those that are able to. Last year my mom and dad were both hospitalized at the same time, mom had brain surgery and dad had a stroke. My siblings did very little to help. The AH was busy playing video games and drinking... He stopped by for a few minutes at the hospital, but to actually help...grrrrrrrrr I had to run to two different hospitals, do their laundry and housework and take care of my full-time job. I finally snapped because I felt like I was doing it alone, well I was! Called my other three siblings and lost my temper. I'm learning however; Friday is my mothers 4th brain surgery I'll be there when I can; I've called one of my siblings and told him that I cannot be there when I cannot be there due to previous plans with work, so please make sure you are there to check on her. I would have never left in the past but there was no way out of my plans. It is in his hands now.
The best to you and your family, just do what you are able to. You won't run away but you will burn out. You are not a horrible person!
HUGS!
~Faithchaser

Sophia57

Thank you so much everybody.
I'm only just realizing I AM a codie, so it makes sense that I feel selfish and that I'm not doing enough. What is enough to me? I don't know.
It's good to hear other people have felt the same way and it helps to explain the anger. Maybe feeling out of control has something to do with it too?
I'll try to make some space for myself and try to turn off this constant feeling of urgency I have. One brother in particular is a real pain, does nothing but questions everything endlessly!!
My support is this forum and people I've spoken to on it. Haven't managed to organise anything else yet, like ALanon, but I will in the future.
Thanks and love
Sophia