Broken up, but still in my head
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: in between
Posts: 10
Broken up, but still in my head
Hi all,
Thanks for reading my post. I've been reading posts here for awhile now and I posted before under the name freudelicious. I couldn't find my password and I had ongoing problems with trying to recover it...so...here I am again.
My ex Abf and I broke up about a month and a half ago. I still think about him a lot, though. And I have this annoying feeling that he's not "out of my system". Meaning, I still have emotions about what went down between us.
The very short version is that after being repeatedly disappointed, stood up, sent home in cabs alone, and facing every weekend night with him drunk (primarily) and doing coke (usually), I'd had enough and left him and asked for some time. We arranged to speak a week later, and I was interested to hear what he would have to say. He was very upset/sad/devastated that I was leaving as it was happening and clearly would never have chosen to end the relationship himself. But he knew that I was breaking up with him, by virtue of my leaving and several emails I had sent. So when we had that conversation after the week had passed, he sounded completely cold and unemotional, and tried to make it that HE was ending the relationship, because "it just hasn't been working out". He made no real reference to his behavior and treatment of me and made it about something completely different. Which, of course, having had limited experience with A's and not having been through this with him before (really, after only seeing this behavior and these A symptoms for a month or so) shocked the h*** out of me and seemed absolutely insane.
Fast forward to yesterday: last week I had accidentally sent him an email I was trying to save as a draft, venting my feelings to him, nothing I wouldn't necessarily have written him by choice, but I didn't mean to send it. I immediately followed it up with an email saying "oops, that was a big mistake, I didn't mean to send that to you, I truly want no communication with you, I'm sorry, please delete that, don't contact me again". So yesterday he emails me and writes that he was UNSURE about whether I wanted a response (yeah, right) but that he wanted to tell me the REAL reason HE had broken up with ME (!!!). He said it was because he had realized that he didn't want to have a relationship with me that would lead to marriage, that I wasn't the one he wanted to marry, but that he still did love me anyway while we were together (ummmm...) and that he just didn't handle those feelings and realizations well (like by ending things with me), and that he was sorry for THAT behavior.
Okay: I broke up with him, I left him, sobbing, because I was through with being sent home along so he could continue to get more wasted. Against my better judgment and awareness, I am being really affected by the fact that this guy has no grip on reality whatsoever. My question is, is this classic A behavior-to make these insane statements? We broke up because of how he treated me. How in the world does that have to do with him not wanting to marry me? The one thing I can tell you is, he knows I want to get married, in general, and he knows that saying that to me would affect me personally and be hurtful. Because at this point, what reason could there possibly be for him saying that to me??? We are already broken up! The essence of the email that I wrote to him, just so you know, the one that I sent accidentally (no, I'm serious, it was on accident!!!) was to point out the discrepancies between his loving statements and behavior when he was sober and it didn't conflict with his boozing-and his behavior when he was boozing. In other words, I was poking at the denial.
There is a complete lack of emotional honesty here. lack of responsibility, lack of...logic! I know, if he's an A, why look for logic? I should "stop being surprised". I've just never dealt with a person who shifted meaning, causes, responsibility. And I am the one that's feeling nuts!
quackinatme
Thanks for reading my post. I've been reading posts here for awhile now and I posted before under the name freudelicious. I couldn't find my password and I had ongoing problems with trying to recover it...so...here I am again.
My ex Abf and I broke up about a month and a half ago. I still think about him a lot, though. And I have this annoying feeling that he's not "out of my system". Meaning, I still have emotions about what went down between us.
The very short version is that after being repeatedly disappointed, stood up, sent home in cabs alone, and facing every weekend night with him drunk (primarily) and doing coke (usually), I'd had enough and left him and asked for some time. We arranged to speak a week later, and I was interested to hear what he would have to say. He was very upset/sad/devastated that I was leaving as it was happening and clearly would never have chosen to end the relationship himself. But he knew that I was breaking up with him, by virtue of my leaving and several emails I had sent. So when we had that conversation after the week had passed, he sounded completely cold and unemotional, and tried to make it that HE was ending the relationship, because "it just hasn't been working out". He made no real reference to his behavior and treatment of me and made it about something completely different. Which, of course, having had limited experience with A's and not having been through this with him before (really, after only seeing this behavior and these A symptoms for a month or so) shocked the h*** out of me and seemed absolutely insane.
Fast forward to yesterday: last week I had accidentally sent him an email I was trying to save as a draft, venting my feelings to him, nothing I wouldn't necessarily have written him by choice, but I didn't mean to send it. I immediately followed it up with an email saying "oops, that was a big mistake, I didn't mean to send that to you, I truly want no communication with you, I'm sorry, please delete that, don't contact me again". So yesterday he emails me and writes that he was UNSURE about whether I wanted a response (yeah, right) but that he wanted to tell me the REAL reason HE had broken up with ME (!!!). He said it was because he had realized that he didn't want to have a relationship with me that would lead to marriage, that I wasn't the one he wanted to marry, but that he still did love me anyway while we were together (ummmm...) and that he just didn't handle those feelings and realizations well (like by ending things with me), and that he was sorry for THAT behavior.
Okay: I broke up with him, I left him, sobbing, because I was through with being sent home along so he could continue to get more wasted. Against my better judgment and awareness, I am being really affected by the fact that this guy has no grip on reality whatsoever. My question is, is this classic A behavior-to make these insane statements? We broke up because of how he treated me. How in the world does that have to do with him not wanting to marry me? The one thing I can tell you is, he knows I want to get married, in general, and he knows that saying that to me would affect me personally and be hurtful. Because at this point, what reason could there possibly be for him saying that to me??? We are already broken up! The essence of the email that I wrote to him, just so you know, the one that I sent accidentally (no, I'm serious, it was on accident!!!) was to point out the discrepancies between his loving statements and behavior when he was sober and it didn't conflict with his boozing-and his behavior when he was boozing. In other words, I was poking at the denial.
There is a complete lack of emotional honesty here. lack of responsibility, lack of...logic! I know, if he's an A, why look for logic? I should "stop being surprised". I've just never dealt with a person who shifted meaning, causes, responsibility. And I am the one that's feeling nuts!
quackinatme
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
no you're not nuts, but if that works to get him out of your life.... take it, let him blame you, who cares.... you haven't spent yrs trying to figure it out and you aren't married to him, be thankful and be good to yourself, take care, chrisea
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: in between
Posts: 10
Yes, I'm glad I didn't spend years trying to figure it out, but it hurts to feel blamed and to have him avoid the real issues...and of course he denies he has any problems w drusg and alcohol at all...
quackinatme
quackinatme
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Quack,
His behavior would just become more looney as time goes on. Consider yourself lucky. You sound like a great person who has come to the understanding that the future with him hold nothing for you. It is sad, but you will be better off.
His behavior would just become more looney as time goes on. Consider yourself lucky. You sound like a great person who has come to the understanding that the future with him hold nothing for you. It is sad, but you will be better off.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Reassure yourself that if you'd stayed together this sort of game would be played on a very regular basis. He would be being a pain - drinking, picking an arguement etc you would lose your cool & guess who he'd balme - and yes he'd twist it so that you were in the wrong becuase you shouted or swore - not the ten things he did to push your buttons. This is all part of the game - keep running, infact chnage to sprint and for God's sake don't look over your shoulder. You just made a very lucky escape be very very grateful.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
Hi
Im have... and still am, going through a similar thing. Its really really hard. It seems like there is no light at the end - no end to feeling bad. Hang in there. My advice to you is to keep posting. It has been the most amazing support to me. My AB turned to the bottle for his support, I turned here. We are all here for you and many people have similar experiences. Keep posting. (((HUGS))))
Im have... and still am, going through a similar thing. Its really really hard. It seems like there is no light at the end - no end to feeling bad. Hang in there. My advice to you is to keep posting. It has been the most amazing support to me. My AB turned to the bottle for his support, I turned here. We are all here for you and many people have similar experiences. Keep posting. (((HUGS))))
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
classic addict/alki behavior.
Active addict NEVER FEELS or thinks to be reponsiable for anything.
denile all the way around for anything and everything.
Saying he's the one who breaking up with you, keeps him
in denile or feels his not responisiable. The he's right and you're
wrong game. And many many more games to come.
Lord have mercy I got blame when the sky was falling.
I looked at her funny
I was breathing funny
Not kidding about being more loony as time goes on.
The disease is contagious.
It's already effected you. Guilt is a form or symtom of the disease
and it feeds on it. If you go nutz enough, you might pick up too.
He dosen't want to marry you but loves you...WTF ??????
A man in his right mind would never say such a thing.
He would know stupid ass remarks like that would make
the woman he loves feels like a ***** becuase he would
have FEELINGS to care.
The simple truth is that She loves the drugs more than she loves
me would be nice.... Hell that would break her denile wouldn't it?
yes I saw the conflicting behaviors also.
I packed her bags and belongings a couple of weeks ago.
I can't say this will be the last time.
She's a recoverying addict that relapes
but have program inside of her or know what to do when she's
done.
These things keeps me holding on.
How long I do not know.
It still F#@ken hurts like hell sometimes, but i'm not as nutz
today.
Don't beat up on yourself.
Grieving over the woman that is no longer there help me
get emotionally detactch.
I lost someone I love every much and it's not easy to let go.
Active addict NEVER FEELS or thinks to be reponsiable for anything.
denile all the way around for anything and everything.
Saying he's the one who breaking up with you, keeps him
in denile or feels his not responisiable. The he's right and you're
wrong game. And many many more games to come.
Lord have mercy I got blame when the sky was falling.
I looked at her funny
I was breathing funny
Not kidding about being more loony as time goes on.
The disease is contagious.
It's already effected you. Guilt is a form or symtom of the disease
and it feeds on it. If you go nutz enough, you might pick up too.
He dosen't want to marry you but loves you...WTF ??????
A man in his right mind would never say such a thing.
He would know stupid ass remarks like that would make
the woman he loves feels like a ***** becuase he would
have FEELINGS to care.
The simple truth is that She loves the drugs more than she loves
me would be nice.... Hell that would break her denile wouldn't it?
yes I saw the conflicting behaviors also.
I packed her bags and belongings a couple of weeks ago.
I can't say this will be the last time.
She's a recoverying addict that relapes
but have program inside of her or know what to do when she's
done.
These things keeps me holding on.
How long I do not know.
It still F#@ken hurts like hell sometimes, but i'm not as nutz
today.
Don't beat up on yourself.
Grieving over the woman that is no longer there help me
get emotionally detactch.
I lost someone I love every much and it's not easy to let go.
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