Lost that Lovin Feelin.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MN
Posts: 103
achb...well said! I do agree and have thought about that several times knowing that my life would be more secerne (sp) without him in it......do I like the drama? do I enjoy pain in my heart? I can honestly say NO to both of those ...so I am not sure WHY, but what I do know for sure is that this isn't LOVE!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: somewhere far away
Posts: 27
Confused
I too wonder if I am in the same place as am I in love or do I love him. I imagine what it would be like without him. I feel I am lucky cuz my AH is trying so hard to stay sober, doesn't always acheive it, but even when he does drink he doesn't get as drunk, I don't know if you know what I mean. When things look up and things are okay, I am so in love with him, just like we first met...he gets a clean slate and I put it all behind me. But when he drinks, it all goes away, and anger takes over. For me, right now the good out weighs the bad, as far as I don't want to leave. I don't like to imagine what it's like sharing my children and him being with anyone else. The problem I have is I don't want to be intimate with him. Not interested at all. Not even on the good days. I don't know how to get past that, because I know that is something he needs from me. That tells him I love him more than anything else I can do for him. I know I am in love with him, but I am so emotionally drained that is the last thing I want in my relationship. Maybe if I could have some honesty, and some consistancy but that ain't happening, not any time soon anyway. I feel bad about it, but it's just not there for me, and I know that too can't be healthy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
Someone once told me (ok my ex's father) that marriage might be inconvenient sometimes but it keeps you together when you fall out of love so you have a chance to fall back in love.
But all bets are off when dealing with an A.
No I definitely do NOT love the A. I still love the man I married but that man doesn't seem to really exist, at least I haven't seen him for some time now. The guy in his place is not the man I married. I don't think he's ever coming back either. I guess he wasn't even real, just a figment of my imagination. If he did reappear I would not be able to expect him to stay.
Would this feeling ever go away? no way to know that. Well if I were superhuman I could MAKE it go away by deciding to feel something else but I can't do that. Can you?
But all bets are off when dealing with an A.
No I definitely do NOT love the A. I still love the man I married but that man doesn't seem to really exist, at least I haven't seen him for some time now. The guy in his place is not the man I married. I don't think he's ever coming back either. I guess he wasn't even real, just a figment of my imagination. If he did reappear I would not be able to expect him to stay.
Would this feeling ever go away? no way to know that. Well if I were superhuman I could MAKE it go away by deciding to feel something else but I can't do that. Can you?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
ahcb-i have asked him to leave. he just won't go. that's what got us together in the first place. he kept coming back. and at that stage in my life (and i have been reviewing all this as i try to work my steps -i am on step 4) i was extremely vulnerable and he knew exactly how to play me. right now i am learning more about me.
additionally,we have 3 wonderful children and i am not ready to tear up their life as they love him very much and they probably understand better than i how sick he is and know how to treat him, heck they knew how sick i was, i was the one who didn't know! and finally, as i do have a feeling that that may be where this ends, i need to make my self better so that i don't keep repeating my poor choices in men!!!
additionally,we have 3 wonderful children and i am not ready to tear up their life as they love him very much and they probably understand better than i how sick he is and know how to treat him, heck they knew how sick i was, i was the one who didn't know! and finally, as i do have a feeling that that may be where this ends, i need to make my self better so that i don't keep repeating my poor choices in men!!!
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
I wrote this post right before Christmas, and copied it here. So, yes, I have felt the same way...
I love him, I love him not. HELP??????
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think I don't love my husband anymore. I think I still love my husband. Repeat that about 100 times and you will get an idea of how I have been feeling.
The counselor at my church suggested my AH and start going to church together. He was kicked out about 9 weeks ago. We went last night, and he was trying to be lovey dovey and I didn't want him to even touch me. I was almost disgusted by it.
Why can't I get in touch with my feelings? I feel like I am doing pretty well, with just me and the kiddos. Yet, when he is not around, I sometimes miss him.
I also invited him over for Christmas. I even suggested he spend the night Christmas Eve. GEEZ?? what is the matter with me?
This is the 2nd time he has been gone for 8+ weeks, other than when he had the car accident three years ago and he was in the hospital for 2 1/2 months.
When I do feel like I am missing him, i wonder if I just want him back for a little, (very little since he is disabled now becasue of the accident) financial help, or maybe just some help with taking care of the kids.
I know I love him, but don't know if I am in love with him. I felt this way for about 1 1/2 years after the accident, then felt like i was falling in love again. But now, I don't know. I want to do what is best for the kids and for me. I want to do what God would have me do. Last spring, did I really start falling in love with him again, or did I just get tired of just living in the same house with someone and decided to try harder? I know no one can answer that for me, but I sure wish you could.
I REALLY miss intimate moments. Not sex, just being together, talking, laughing, sharing. I just don't know if that can even happen again with him.
He is SAYING all the right things. Started a new recovery group, continuing with his old recovery group which his sponsor and a buddy are going to start having him be more accountable to them than in the past. Going to do one on one counseling for the first time ever. Whatever.
So my plan is to just wait. Wait and see what happens. I am TRULY living about 24 hours at a time because that's all I can handle. I don't have to get divorced in the next 24 hours. I don't have to have him in this house in the next 24 hours. Does that sound like a good plan?
I love him, I love him not. HELP??????
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think I don't love my husband anymore. I think I still love my husband. Repeat that about 100 times and you will get an idea of how I have been feeling.
The counselor at my church suggested my AH and start going to church together. He was kicked out about 9 weeks ago. We went last night, and he was trying to be lovey dovey and I didn't want him to even touch me. I was almost disgusted by it.
Why can't I get in touch with my feelings? I feel like I am doing pretty well, with just me and the kiddos. Yet, when he is not around, I sometimes miss him.
I also invited him over for Christmas. I even suggested he spend the night Christmas Eve. GEEZ?? what is the matter with me?
This is the 2nd time he has been gone for 8+ weeks, other than when he had the car accident three years ago and he was in the hospital for 2 1/2 months.
When I do feel like I am missing him, i wonder if I just want him back for a little, (very little since he is disabled now becasue of the accident) financial help, or maybe just some help with taking care of the kids.
I know I love him, but don't know if I am in love with him. I felt this way for about 1 1/2 years after the accident, then felt like i was falling in love again. But now, I don't know. I want to do what is best for the kids and for me. I want to do what God would have me do. Last spring, did I really start falling in love with him again, or did I just get tired of just living in the same house with someone and decided to try harder? I know no one can answer that for me, but I sure wish you could.
I REALLY miss intimate moments. Not sex, just being together, talking, laughing, sharing. I just don't know if that can even happen again with him.
He is SAYING all the right things. Started a new recovery group, continuing with his old recovery group which his sponsor and a buddy are going to start having him be more accountable to them than in the past. Going to do one on one counseling for the first time ever. Whatever.
So my plan is to just wait. Wait and see what happens. I am TRULY living about 24 hours at a time because that's all I can handle. I don't have to get divorced in the next 24 hours. I don't have to have him in this house in the next 24 hours. Does that sound like a good plan?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Colby, WI
Posts: 1
Wow - this is my first time posting here - funny how many of us feel the same way - my AH just got out of treatment today, my daughter and I attended group sessions at the treatment center and he is going home with his parents. We've been separated for almost 3 months now because his drinking simply got to be too much for us to handle. It's frustrating, our older kids (ages 20-22) tell me that he simply isn't the man I married anymore and I shouldn't hang on to that. This time in treatment (his second in a treatment program and 5th in Detox since the beginning of December) I see glimpses of him. I know I can't stay on this roller coaster with the ups and downs it brings, yet I know I've loved this person for 26 years - with the bad 5+ overshadowing anything prior. At some point I want to be happy again and this situation isn't how I want my life to be forever. What is "bottom" for for us when we say enough is enough?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I've been reading this thread but just wasn't sure how to reply.
AH and I split up last year. We will be getting a dissolution as soon as I can get the money together (divorce is we can't agree on things). However, it took a long time for me to figure out the difference between being in love with him or if I loved him at all. Let's face it, there's been some pretty major incidents and years of heartbreak that got us to the point of seperation. During my time apart from him, I've come to realize that I love my AH. I care about him very much! He will always have a very special place in my heart. However, in hindsite, I know that we shouldn't have gotten married (I even knew it when we did get married).
During the time that he had moved out and I was really focusing on me, I did alot of research into alcoholism, myself, and also relationships in general. I found an interesting website that had an article about what they call "love banks". The article explained that we, as people have a "love bank" and that when people do things that make us feel loved, good, etc, it's like they make a "deposit" into our bank. However, in doing things that are mean, disrespectful, etc. they make a "withdrawal". Now, I realize this may sound cheesy but it made a lot of sense to me. The article went on to say how when a person makes the deposits that make us love them, the love continues and grows, etc. Withdrawing will eventually put your love bank into the negative and take those feelings away.
All in all, this article really made a lot of sense to me.
And for the record...though the website in itself has been really interesting for me, they also flat out say their ideas will not work when you live with an addict. But it's been insightful for me in many ways - and I hope to practice alot of their ideas to make sure that I have a healthy relationship next time.
So while I do care about my AH and a part of me will love him always and love the man that I knew he could be if he chose to be - I am not "In love" with him anymore. And while sometimes I miss him bunches, there are other times that I know we are better off apart. And I am moving on with my life.
For me - it took me having that time without him to really sort out how I felt - about a lot of things.
Just my thoughts for you all.
AH and I split up last year. We will be getting a dissolution as soon as I can get the money together (divorce is we can't agree on things). However, it took a long time for me to figure out the difference between being in love with him or if I loved him at all. Let's face it, there's been some pretty major incidents and years of heartbreak that got us to the point of seperation. During my time apart from him, I've come to realize that I love my AH. I care about him very much! He will always have a very special place in my heart. However, in hindsite, I know that we shouldn't have gotten married (I even knew it when we did get married).
During the time that he had moved out and I was really focusing on me, I did alot of research into alcoholism, myself, and also relationships in general. I found an interesting website that had an article about what they call "love banks". The article explained that we, as people have a "love bank" and that when people do things that make us feel loved, good, etc, it's like they make a "deposit" into our bank. However, in doing things that are mean, disrespectful, etc. they make a "withdrawal". Now, I realize this may sound cheesy but it made a lot of sense to me. The article went on to say how when a person makes the deposits that make us love them, the love continues and grows, etc. Withdrawing will eventually put your love bank into the negative and take those feelings away.
All in all, this article really made a lot of sense to me.
And for the record...though the website in itself has been really interesting for me, they also flat out say their ideas will not work when you live with an addict. But it's been insightful for me in many ways - and I hope to practice alot of their ideas to make sure that I have a healthy relationship next time.
So while I do care about my AH and a part of me will love him always and love the man that I knew he could be if he chose to be - I am not "In love" with him anymore. And while sometimes I miss him bunches, there are other times that I know we are better off apart. And I am moving on with my life.
For me - it took me having that time without him to really sort out how I felt - about a lot of things.
Just my thoughts for you all.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
I feel like I have been so emeshed with alcoholism in my life, that my brain doesn't work right, and I truly am not in touch with my feelings, and don't know if I am in love or just do love or out of love or out of in love, etc. You get the drift.
But, I do know I can't live this way any longer. I should be able to count on my husband to fill my love tank. He should want to fill my love tank. When that isn't happening, something needs to change. Some will say, let God fill your tank. Well, God made us this way. I believe relationships are one of the biggest reasons God put us here... to have relationships with people. To love people. But when your spouse is incapable of love the way God intended it, then it may be time to make some changes.
ss, thanks for the above post!! i am going to go to that website.. the love tank sounds so logical to me. I find it very very interesting they say it won't work with addicts. Of course, most of us on this board know that already, but many of those who choose to live with an addict, must fill their own love tank, and quite frankly, i think that stinks! Yes, God can love us, but God made us to want and need human love too. I have read "The Five Languages of Love" and have always tried to fill my H's tank, even if it was a language that didn't come naturally to me. However, over the years, my tank wasn't getting filled, totally due to addiction. He was incapable of filling it. So, I either accept that, or I don't. I choose to not accept it anymore. I deserve to have my tank filled! I want my tank filled! And, i want to fill someone else's who will appreciate it. YEE HAW!!!! This feels good to talk about this!
Thanks for the posts!
But, I do know I can't live this way any longer. I should be able to count on my husband to fill my love tank. He should want to fill my love tank. When that isn't happening, something needs to change. Some will say, let God fill your tank. Well, God made us this way. I believe relationships are one of the biggest reasons God put us here... to have relationships with people. To love people. But when your spouse is incapable of love the way God intended it, then it may be time to make some changes.
ss, thanks for the above post!! i am going to go to that website.. the love tank sounds so logical to me. I find it very very interesting they say it won't work with addicts. Of course, most of us on this board know that already, but many of those who choose to live with an addict, must fill their own love tank, and quite frankly, i think that stinks! Yes, God can love us, but God made us to want and need human love too. I have read "The Five Languages of Love" and have always tried to fill my H's tank, even if it was a language that didn't come naturally to me. However, over the years, my tank wasn't getting filled, totally due to addiction. He was incapable of filling it. So, I either accept that, or I don't. I choose to not accept it anymore. I deserve to have my tank filled! I want my tank filled! And, i want to fill someone else's who will appreciate it. YEE HAW!!!! This feels good to talk about this!
Thanks for the posts!
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
For me He made the time right--he actually filed for a divorce--of course I made
him do it. I really agree that love requires an action. My AH just enjoyed the ride--
then when I quit catering to him and I wanted him to address his drinking problem he
found it easier to give up the marriage. I'm not shattered or anything though by the
time he filed I hardly knew him and I sure wasn't "in love with him" most of the time
I didn't even like him. If he was to bring me one more potted mum I think I would
make him eat it. So I weigh in on the care but not love side. Care less and less
everyday. Smiles--Dee
him do it. I really agree that love requires an action. My AH just enjoyed the ride--
then when I quit catering to him and I wanted him to address his drinking problem he
found it easier to give up the marriage. I'm not shattered or anything though by the
time he filed I hardly knew him and I sure wasn't "in love with him" most of the time
I didn't even like him. If he was to bring me one more potted mum I think I would
make him eat it. So I weigh in on the care but not love side. Care less and less
everyday. Smiles--Dee
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Originally Posted by ahcb
but loving the person was the one thing that made me want to hold it together for as long as I could or untill she got sober. (whichever came first)
I was so caught up in the dream of a perfect marriage, and the dream that we can get through everything, and the determination to make my marriage work that I lost my feelings. My telling him I love him was me going through the motions. Sometimes, it was just for the HOPE and the dream that he would actually return the love, compassion and care that I had given him.
One day, though, I woke up from my dream. I realize now, that I can't do it anymore I can't live like that anymore. I wonder too, how long have I been "out" of love with him - although I will always love him (if that makes sense)
My girlfriend asked me a very good question last night - If the doctor told me I had one year to live, how would I want to live out that year?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
This is all so good to hear, it makes me feel like I'm not loosing my mind. We are going to counseling now, individual and marriage. My hope for the sessions is to figure out if I do really love him and if I want to be married to him. I hope I can start to see things more clearly soon.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
