I can breathe now...
 

Thank you all for your support these last couple of days. I was beginning to get on my own nerves for not being able to settle down.

I went to my counselor today and she helped me to realize that I've been in denial. I thought I was detaching, when in fact .... I have obsessive behavior, which I knew just didn't know how bad it was. But I also have addictive behavior toward my AH. She helped me to point out some things and made me realize how obsessive i've been. Boy did I feel silly. And... like he has to work on his addiction to alcohol (which he's not) I have to work on my addiction to him (which I will - MORE). I need to avoid conflicts with him because my actions and behavior has regressed since. One more for the lesson books...lol

AH and I still have to file our taxes. He was going to call his boss and I was going to call him after my appointment with my counselor. I did and he didn't answer. I called him again (obsessive) and my mom (who I usually never get any advice out of) told me to quit. Wow, I am obsessive. I left him a message and haven't called him back. I also took a different route home so I didn't have to go passed the bar.

My counselor asked me what I got out of all this "checking up" on him. I told her it was the satisfaction of knowing he was lying to me. She asked me what it accomplished - my answer was "nothing". It accomplished nothing!! See I think what I'm doing is - I have to keep proving to myself that he's lying to me, otherwise, I will believe he is telling the truth when he is actually lying and I'll get sucked back in to his "honesty". I have put so much faith in that all these years and have just recently realized how much he has lied to me.

She also told me that if he is truly seeking recovery - I WILL KNOW. I don't need to check on him to find the truth - I already know what the truth is.

For now, baby steps... I'll only call once and I won't go past the bar.

Once I start doing that, I think everything will fall into place and my future decisions won't be so hard.

Thanks again everyone for being here.

Sounds like a GREAT session. Wow...I hope that you can find the courage and faith to "let go" of your addiction. It really is a leap of faith.

Again, you are in my thoughts.

Jenny

Great plan!

Jessica....You are working so hard....GREAT job.
Hugs
Michelle

Jes,

Step one is admitting that we are powerless over the alcoholic and that our life has become unmanagable.

Over and over I discover the things that I am powerless over...big things and small things. But the most important thing for me is that I have no power over other people. None...no power...period. And I shouldn't even try. If someone tried to exert control over my choices I wouldn't like that at all. I would rebel like a 2 year old.

I am stuck with me...the only person I have any power over and I can choose the change any behavior I want.

Don't feel silly...we all have to pass through what you are feeling now.

Luck,
JT

Jes, thank you for this post. You don't know how many nights I used to spend driving around town looking for my boyfriend...trying to find out where he was so when he told me he was home all night I could tell him he was a liar. It never worked out like I wanted it to--with him apologizing profusely and promising never to lie to me again and promising to get the help he needed. Instead, it just caused arguments about why I didn't trust him and that I had to nose around in his business and pry. I hated it. I really did, but I was obsessed. It was like I had to know, why? Just to know if he were lying to me--which I knew from the comfort of my own home. It's just silly how much time he took away from me in worry and stress. It just wasn't worth it. I'm trying to turn my life around now and trying to learn how to take care of myself again. I spent all my time taking care of him and totally forgot about myself. It's hard. I love him, though at times I don't know why. Guess it was something I had to experience, but what a waste of time. I wish I had your counselor. Seems she's good at actually helping. Hang in there. Somedays are better than others.

I figured out another thing I have to stop doing - asking questions. This is just as bad as me going out looking for him. When I ask questions I don't get straight answers - so what's the point. And it is just another way of me checking on him.

I have realized I was powerless of alcohol (at least I thought I did, but JT you made a good point and gave me something to think about. Back to step one. But that's okay, b/c everytime I go back, I learn something more.

I did all the checking on, driving by, asking questions, searching the wallet for reciepts, searching for hidden bottles. I thought it was keeping me sane BECAUSE I would know the truth, actually when I think back it made me crazier and the tremendous amount of time I spent when I could have be doing something for me. You will find such peace when you can let go and say it really doesn't matter it is what it is. Good Luck to you.