Not prepared for what I am feeling
 

Yesterday my AH of 23 years was sentenced to 2 years in prison for his DUI's He plea bargained for this about a month ago, so it wasn't like I knew it was coming. I just can't explain the shock I am feeling HE IS GONE! I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. I am angry, sad, relieved, guilty, and scared. He left me with a mess to clean up. For 2 months he sat around and did very little, but I can't be mad at him, I can't yell at him, I can't detach from him all I can do is sit and look at all of his things. In 23 years this is the first time I can't call him up. All the good things about him are whirling around in my head. I am worried as when he sobers up he is going to be devastated. I know I have to take care of myself but my main focus that reminds me of my recovery IS GONE. How many times have I wished he wouldn't be there when I got home and now he's not and I don't feel really good about it. I guess things get better with time. I have never had this range of emotions in my entire life. Prayers for me to make it through each day.

Dreamcatcher, I am probably not the best one for your support right now, many others here can maybe help you more. But I really do feel for you. The heartbreak is evident in your post. The fallout from the whole thing is enormous--you, him in jail, your marriage, his reputation, job, family...And yes, he may very well be quite devastated whe he sobers up. I can understand how you can feel so badly for him despite it all, and I hope it may sober him up permanently...I don't know. I just wanted to say that I can understand your many emotions and it sounds very lonely, scary and just very, very hard. I really hope you have a support system there (including Al Anon) as well as here. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm so sorry.

I can't even imagine what you must be feeling--there are times I'm so angry with
my AH I wish someone else would take care of him for awhile--but even when I think a thought like that I know he'll be home around 6--so I can't picture coming home and someone else really is taking him away. I've only been married 11 yrs--23 sounds
like a lifetime. It's very important right now for you to concentrare on your recovery
and reach out for support. Try to do something nice for yourself everyday--no
matter how small. Doing something for yourself will remind you how important you
are and that you are a valuable person. Prayers and smiles--Dee

Dreamcatcher,
23 years is a long time to spend with someone, no matter how good or bad it was.
You are dealing with a loss in your life.
Be gentle with yourself.
You have been given some time to focus on you.
Use that well.
Hugs,
Gabe

Dreamcatcher - not only do you have my prayers but plenty of hugs too... I've been with my AH for 20 years & I can't even tell you how many times I wished that he would just go away (or worse...) But in the 'light of day' I can't imagine not having him around, being able to pick up the phone & call him whenever I want, even having his snoring mass next to me in bed!! I'm sure that during this initial period you'll have a rollercoaster of emotions... but when things settle down some, use this time to heal & grow... I'm praying for your AH as well, maybe this will be the bottom he needs to finally seek out & retain sobriety. I'm sure I speak for the lot of us... we are here whenever you need us!
Hugs
Christine

Oh DC, I know exactly how you're feeling. My husband was sentenced to state prison in 2000. I didn't get to say goodbye to him either; they just whisk them away. I left the courtroom and drove, drove and drove some more. I had to go to a Catholic men's home to pick up his things (he was there for a week and we thought the judge would show some mercy and leave him there, no dice). When I arrived there I fell apart and the women in the office were very nice to me until I calmed down. He was in the county jail for about three months and it was a horrible experience to visit him; they treat the visitors like scum; it was worse than awful. I really didn't get a chance to adjust to all of this and my adult son asked to come home as he lost everything and was adicted to coke. He is still with us almost five years later. Anyway, after that they sent my husband two hours away and I went to visit him twice a month. I also sent him care packages plus he could call collect every Sunday night and we could only talk for 30 minutes. All of this is very expensive; luckily my mom helped me out a lot. I think he was there for awhile and then they sent him about 7 hours away and I couldn't visit him at all because the cost to travel and stay over would be too high for only about an hours' visit. I didn't see him for a whole year. He missed two Christmases. I eventually settled down. As you can guess, I'm not a "tough love" person. He's been home almost two years; still hasn't finished paying his $5,000 fine but has been off parole since last summer. It sure has been a long haul....and he still drinks. We've been married 40 years. If you need an ear, I'm available. Hugs, and I'll pray that you'll get through this and eventually catch your dream. As for our son, he is doing pretty well; I keep telling him that life begins at 40 which he'll be this summer. In the past I've tried Alanon but I just couldn't grasp all of it; I took what I wanted and left the rest.

I remember when my AH went to jail. I was crushed seeing them take him away in handcuffs. I think I was more sad for him though. and felt helpless b/c I couldn't help him.

You are a strong person - your HP will never give you more than you can handle. This believe got me through a lot of days.

Hang in there

Lots of hugs - We are here if you need us!!

Dreamcatcher, so sorry to hear the news. I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope it help just a little to know that there are prayers going up for you right now! I hope very very very soon, you will be able to find some peace with this situation. And, remember, you can't do everything at once, take your time, doing one thing at a time, one day at a time, or even on second at a time.

Peace to you!

I am sorry I dont have great advice to offer you except to take one day at a time. You have to grieve. Take care of yourself first, you can now. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Blessings,
MysticCat

I'm so sorry. It must feel like a piece of you is missing, and it is. :( Use this time to focus on yourself. Hugs to you.

(((dreamcatcher)))

Thinking of you. Just remember - we're here if and when you need us.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Just letting you know that I am thinking about you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

((((((((((lots of hugs)))))))))

Dreamcatcher, I have seen mine get handcuffed and arrested three times now and thats in addition to the bountyhunters tracking him down at my parents at 1 in the morning. It does really have a lasting effect. Mine is being sentenced on Feb 7, and I know he will go away for awhile (2-6 years they say at DOC).

I can understand all of your feelings and they are most likely all warranted...you didnt cause this....saying goodbye may have hurt more....you helped him all you could.....you can still love him while he is away....work on you while he is there....and you just never know what kind of wonderful changes he may make while he is there....becuase he has to.
Best wishes and support :)

Thank you all for your support and prayers. He was able to call me last night. They put him in the "medical tank" as they are concerned about his depression and the effects of detox. He is currently in county jail and will be transferred about 2 hours away and then I don't know where. It is really hard to talk to him because for once in my life I don't know what to say. My kids are all away at college, I think that is a blessing but I do miss them. I have good friends around me and all of you. Thanks again.

Dreamcatcher its really good that they have him monitored and are concerned about his detoxing...as we all know it can be horrible and so dangerous. I was going to say in my ealrier post that I was hoping he was being medically monitored, but wasnt wanting to upset you if you found out he wasnt...this is good news though!