jessiebug

Alright, I'm going through a lot of hell here, but I've been thinking about something that is just eating me up. Maybe you all can help me. My addict is in recovery--30 days so far. Put aside the fact that there will always be a fear of him using again, is it even possible for him to relate to me anymore? I mean, he's been in a rehab center for a month and was released for wiring up with a female patient. Just makes me think that he'll never be able to be that emotionally connected to me. He connected with someone else in there--another addict. I know they need each other to work through their addictions, but I feel like he won't open up to me the way he will with these other people and I think he's afraid too. Of course, he'll say I wouldn't let him open up to me, but that's just to excuse his behavior. I've never been anything be willing to be there to help him achieve what he's achieved today. Also, I'm worried about his lying. Is that something indicative of a relapse? I know it's too soon and maybe he's still working through all that, but, I have fear...can we even be a place of comfort to them now?

elizabeth1979

Jessiebug, a couple things that I maybe needed to hear you say to make sense out of my own emotions...that are just about the same as yours!! First, I dont think addicts connect emotionally with other addicts, they connect in function by the commonality of their disease. Put it this way..my job is to manage salespeople...k, I dont connect with them emotionally, I work with them...Addicts job is to use or not use..he wasnt connecting with her, but working. (That sounded better in my head!!!)
Its not your fault that he did that with the other patient, its his fault. No amount of connecting you could do with him would make him better sooner...he has to want it and want it for him, not for you, or anyone else.
Is lying indicative of relapse.maybe, maybe ..not but using in treatment sure is. It has been my experience that even when in recovery, addicts have some of those traits bc they had to use them for so long to survive and get what they wanted. Lying is old hat to my A, I suspect for that reason. He lies about everything and anything from what he drank, to when, to what he had for lunch and what color underwear he has on. Seriously, I couldnt really give you firm opinion on whether lying = relapse but it does mena alot of other things as well or in addition to...however you look at it.
I struggle with whether or not we will be able to make it after he is sober, buti we don't then I will at least know he is better for him and can find someone who will make him happy, but more importantly, I can find someone to make me happy!

jalacola

My personal opinion is that lying is, in fact, indicative of a relapse. They need to take a good, honest personal inventory and if they can't be honest about it, then they are still in denial. My AH is right there. Even in rehab, he wasn't completely honest about things with his group-mates. Afterwards, he wasn't honest with those in his AA. The first (of many) drinks after rehab, he told his sponsor about and those in AA, but he lied about how much it was. He said he drank a beer, when in actuality, it was 5 bourbon and diet cokes and a shot! Not that it makes a difference. It's not the amount that he drank, it was the fact that he drank. But lying about it didn't make it better. And since then, he has lied every time, even tried to the times he was caught red-handed. It's their way of justification. If they can convince themselves of what they are trying to convince US of, then somehow it seems less wrong. Make sense? And though I would want to be a place of comfort to my AH, my thoughts are that it would be easier for him to relate to someone in his shoes. He wanted to use me as his sponsor, and tell me when he was wanting to drink, but that happened one time. As supportive as I was, I had no idea where he was coming from and couldn't relate or tell him how to get through it or that it would pass and have it mean as much as it would have meant from someone in his shoes.

jessiebug

Thanks Elizabeth...I saw him last night at an open NA meeting that I've been attending to help me understand, or at least try to understand, his mind and actions. I can't tell you how much those meetings mean to me. Anyway, he was there to pick up his 30 day tag. He wanted me to see him pick it up...then he handed it to me and said he was only going to keep his one year. I hope he gets there, but that's all besides the point. The funny thing is that the meeting was all about relationships and whether an addict should have a relationship in that first year. Granted, I know the rules, but we were together before that too, so somehow we can be exempt. However, I realized at that meeting that it would be better for both of us to separate for a while--at least until his 90 days--so I have time to heal from all the hurt he caused me while he was using and try to regain any bit of the trust I used to have for him. He needs the separation for more reasons than I can ever begin to list. This is a very hard time for an addict and he really needs to work on himself--staying clean, finding his higher power, loving himself, and having faith. I was so excited after the meeting. I gave him a gift for his birthday (just a journal--figure it's good for him to put down whatever it is that he's thinking) and told him how I thought this separation would be great for both of us. He just said that he loved me more than anything in the world, he wouldn't ever cheat on me and that he's worried I won't be here in 60 days. I just said, "If I'm not, it's meant to be. If I am, just think about how much better we'll be as people. When were both stronger our relationship will only be better." I left there feeling fantastic. Anyway, I'm so grateful to have found this board. There are some really fantastic people here and your advice and stories really help me get through my days. Thank you.