Chuckles101301

I figured this is as good a place as any to post this question....

My AH and I have a small child together (13 months). My AH is currently not working and is going to school. I am struggling with a few issues related to whether or not we should have another child around the time I was planning before he lost his job, confronted his problem with alcohol, sought treatment and began recovery. I am in al-anon. I wanted my children to be close in age as my step-son is 7 years older and feels a little disconnected. So the question for the fine people on this board is this.....

Is it irresponsible to bring another child into our situation when my AH is unemployed and so new to his recovery (4 months sober!)?

Is it irresponsible period to have another child knowing full well that my husband suffers from the disease of alcoholism (I didn't realize this two years ago when we decided to have our first child)?

I know this is a very personal decision but I am looking for the experiences of others or opinions of others. I am also consulting with my HP and talking it over with friends. I feel that my family would not be particularly happy and would point out how irresponsible we are being should we decide to have another child next year as we planned. I want to be sure of my feelings before I need to defend them, should the time come.

I hope the question makes sense. Thanks to all who may reply, your opinions are very valued. Peace.

FaithChaser

Hey Chuckles,

Well, I cannot really answer that since I have no children and no experience with them. I feel any child is a blessing. I think what I would be doing is praying for the guidence of my HP in the situation, what is his will? Anyway, something I'm doing a lot of these days.

Best of luck to you in your decision,

~Faithchaser

laurie6781

Just a suggestion, but it might be wiser to wait until your husband has another job and the health insurance is in effect before becoming pregnant. This way you would have health coverage and the pregnancy in no way could be considered "a pre-existing condition" by the insurance company and not be covered.

Thus in case of any unforseen events, ie twins - more ultrasounds, etc would be covered.

It would also give you both a little better sense of security.

Whatever you decide, look to your HP for guidance.

My prayers are with you and your family for a Healthy and Happy 2005!!!!

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

Chuckles101301

Thank-you both for your kind replies. I figured I would have to hash this out with my HP. Laurie, I work full-time and I actually carry all health insurance for my family, including my step-son. I have really good benefits and my job is really flexible. I took off four months with my first, but many of those weeks were unpaid. I wouldn't be able to do that if my husband is not finished with school and employed at the time of the birth of a second child. He is currently a stay-at-home dad which is fine for now and we could certainly cut out any extras...I don't think it is as much a financial decision as a moral/ethical one.

Would anyone view it as "wrong" to bring a child into a family suffering/recovering from this disease, knowing full well the ramifications? It seems that most advise against getting involved with an A if you can help it, does this view hold true for kids?

Thanks!

dax

I do not think it is wrong to have a child knowing they might carry the A gene. We all did it. What you need to ask yourself- are you capable of raising another child- by yourself. At this point you don't know how yout a's recovery may go. A stable two sober parent home gives a child the best chance. The rational thing to do would be to wait for maybe that one year chip. Just a thought. dax

laurie6781

I agree with Dax!!! When I got sober they advised "No MAJOR Decisions the First Year." This is still applicable today to new people getting sober. There is so much for the newly sober to work on and habits and ways of thinking that need adjustment.

Let's face it, making the decision to have another child is a MAJOR MAJOR decision.

Why not give your A some time to work on himself and get his life back on track before adding another burden???

Just more things for you to put on the "Pro and Con" sheet I hope you have started, lol.

Love and (((((to all))))),

jalacola

My opinion, I would wait. And I can say this being in your shoes recently. My AH and I have a 5 year old and a 7 month old. The 7 month old, though precious and beautiful and perfect and happy as she is, shouldn't have had to be born into our crisis. I have suffered (as alcoholism is a family disease) with dealing with an alcoholic husband for years. My stupidity told me that having another child, he would wake up and smell the coffee, finally seeing the error of his ways. Not that that was the reason she was conceived--it was very much a mutual decision and she was very much, and IS very much, wanted. But, oh how he did NOT see the error of his ways. It was a good pregnancy, but very much not enjoyable as we had so many problems. I actually told my AH that I was in labor when I KNEW it was braxton hicks, just b/c my OB told me that I was induceable (40 weeks, 3 cm and 100% effaced) and I was scared that if I allowed it to happen naturally, chances were he would be drunk and wouldn't be able to take me. I wanted him to have to come home from work b/c that was the only guarantee I could have that he wouldn't have been drinking. Pretty pathetic, huh? And now, we are separated. He signed a lease at a complex on Sunday. Just think about it before you do it. Our baby girl is a blessing and I know that there is a reason that I have her, but I really wish I would have been able to enjoy being pregnant with her. I even had to stop nursing her at 4 months b/c the stress of everything was killing my supply. Coulda, shoulda, woulda, ya know?

sdp

Myself, knowing what I know now, I would wait. You really do not need any extra chaos in your life right now. So your kids may be a little farther apart than you thought?? It would be far better yto hold off for a bit.

best

daughter born
son on the way
Was that point in my life I made the choice to stop the drinking.
I was not in a program. I was involved with life. Life as it happened kept me busy and kept my mind off the drinking. I have 4 children now.
To look back and think about changing anything? Would have been a good idea to put my efforts on fixing me and then raise the children maybe a little better because I would be more able by being more stable.

I would think the same wisdom that is told singles... no relationships for at least a year - work your recovery.
That same wisdom may be a good idea for adding other things..such as children.

As far as it being a moral or ethical matter... I see very few times that I myself would say having a child is immoral or irresponsible in a marriage.
That would be something the both of you would need talk over for yourselves.
From a financial standpoint... I think it would be wise to have jobs in line and set before adding more mouths to feed. Having a job doesn't mean it will be there in 9 months but not being prepared before hand doesn't seem to be a prudent thing to do in my opinion.

Recovered alcoholic dad of 4 children. The youngest is now 22 years old.
Experience of life is what I based my opinion on.
So just my 2 cents worth for what ever it may be worth.

wraybear

I agree on the waiting thing. I have a 20 year old, almost 19 year old, 8 year old and 5 year old. I don't think having them 20 months apart 3 years apart or 10 years apart was any more or less stressful. I would think since you AH is new to recovery, that right there should be your signal to wait a while. I agree with others, one year is a good marker. They say with any major life adjustment to wait a year before making any changes... deaths, babies, divorce, sobriety, etc.

I also deep down in my heart thought if we had a baby, he would get well. Well, he got better for awhile, but then got worse. I think a year is not that far away!

But, whatever you do, i hope you find some peace. And, that is great that your AH has 3 months! hip hip hooray!