cupowater

Should I say something to my AH? It has been a week since he drank, (unless he drank this weekend while he was hunting) and since he found my posts. Neither one of us has said anything about it, and today he called asking for the family doctor’s phone number because (he said) “It was time to get a physical”! It is obvious that he hasn’t drank, and that he would know that I am not blind and I KNOW it. I have been waiting for him to say something, but he hasn’t. Should I say something? Like “You sure look happier” or something? What do you think?

cwohio

cup - i've had that same question. seems like in the past when i have congratulated my ah on not drinking (and it could just be a coincidence) he has started drinking right after i have complimented him. now i just don't say anything, which i don't feel right about either.

elizabeth1979

Just my opinion..but I would say something like that....don't know if its the right thing to do but I would. There are so many times when I am not proud of mine, I like to let him know when I am.
Sarah Elizabeth

Peaches04

This is a toughie for me too...I feel like my AHs personality is such that, by me mentioning that he hasn't been drinking - I feel like that's a trigger that somehow intimates that I have "won" or "controlled" him or something. I'm sure this is all something in my own head...but, I am always anxious and wondering if I should mention anything to him... good question.

Aquiana

That one must all depend on your AH's personality. When my Abf quit for a while I praised him as much as I could, but when he started again he used it against me with, " Even you said I was doing well so what's the big deal?" It was just another way to use what I said as an excuse to drink again. Now I just stay out of it. I don't say anything at all about it any more even when I am proud of him. I'd like to but I'm trying to keep his drinking or not drinking as the case may be as his issue.

queenofthehwy

I agree with you peaches it seems like if I say something, he feels like I won and he'll show me who's in charge around here, or something like that. Sorry no answer for ya but good question....

Mindi

drgnfly30

I'm on the fence on this one... I always want to praise healthy behavior but like cwohio, as soon as I say something... he drinks again.

Christine

escape artist

i agree with Peaches, you're d*mned if you do and d*mned if you don't. i don't, or maybe i would say, "you get 2 points for being sober this long". they understand the point thing and 2 points is only 2 points. (so i'm not impressed!!)

elizabeth1979

Geez, see this is why I think I am doing the right thing, but really not helping him at all. I have so much to learn.

cupowater

Elizabeth, what is it that you are doing?

elizabeth1979

to every situation...thats all I am doing... I just meant that I truly do have lots of learning to do...I would have praised the not drinking...but it seems like those who are more wise and been though this more than I, that maybe that is not such a clear decision all the time.
Live and learn I guess!

cwohio

boy - it sure is good to know that i am not the only one that is in the same boat - welcome aboard mateys!

Petunia

The question I have asked myself when this comes up is that if I saw someone punching themselves in the face (unacceptable behavior) every day for years and years, and then one day they stopped punching themselves, would I say, "Wow, since you decided to stop that really destructive behavior, you sure do look better!"

I vote for keeping the thoughts to myself. I've learned that A who aren't working the steps or are early in the process don't need any more focus placed on their drinking. I need to keep my focus on myself.

drgnfly30

Well put Petunia...
Christine

Chy

I assure you as the alcoholic in my family I appreciated a little acknowledgment, not a lot, really not a lot, just a tad to know I knew they noticed my efforts. We always make it all about us! Anything more is to straining, and I assure you again, it's very draining and emotional in the begining.

cupowater

That is so "funny" I was just explaining it the SAME way to a coworker friend of mine! Only I used the hammer over the head senerio!!!!!

FaithChaser

I agree with petunia. Just the other night I was accused of being super mean when he wasn't drinking... either that or maybe I'm just mean all the time and he only notices when he's not buzzed? Sure sounds like an excuse to drink to me. For now the focus is not on him, I don't even know anymore...

Hugs,

Faithchaser

JennyK

I tend to make comments like "I have been really relaxed the last few days, it is nice". "I have noticed the kids have been so calm, isn't that great?" Talk about how *I* have been feeling without mentioning the drinking unless he brings it up.

JessicaNAJ

I tend to find me complimenting his not drinking (or even secretly thinking it) is a jynx.

I vote for - Telling him how nice you feel.

Dee at Mt Bully

What a mixed bag--My AH is not drinking but he is not involved in any support group
so I say very little because I don't believe he can heal himself on his own so I don't want to say anything that might be a trigger. I'm think I am dilegently working on my own recovery so I try not get into discussions with him about the fact that he is not
working on his. Not much help huh--smiles--Dee