Underqualified
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Underqualified
My H told me this weekend he doesnt like who I am now, he wants me to go back to the way I use to be...........he said that the person that he knew for the last 10 years doesnt exist anymore and he doesnt like it.............he said that I am very distant from him..........he said that our relationship is fake............he said he wants me to tell him what to do.....he wants me to control his drinking..............
I told him that for all those years I was wrong, and that i am sorry for that..............there was alot of his issues that I took upon myself that I had no right to take...........and that I am giving all of those back to him.............I told him that if he decides to drink that is his choice and I am not letting his choices affect me anymore.......I told him that I have let go..........and I mean I have really let go.............maybe that is why he thinks I am being distant............when he starts his rampage.........I no longer join in...........I go to me meeting letting him know that it has nothing to with him and has everything to do with me.......I invited him to go with me.........but that might be odd..............but if he really wants too....My H admitted to feeling very threatened, by me going to my Friday nite Alanon meetings.......he said you are going to meet some guy there that is going through the same thing that you are and bla, bla, bla........He says he know how easy it would be to be swept off my feet............
...I come home now.............and beat him to the punch.........(I would like to have spent some quality time with you, but I didnt want to disturb your nap) you must have been really tired.........
He says he wants to fill his resume out, he wants to go back to school...........he wants to make something better out of himself......
It all boils down to he doesnt feel good about himself at all............
I cant give him what he needs..............he seems so desperate sometimes.......and I really believe that he is in so much emotional pain and is reaching for something, but he dont know what he is reaching for..........but his way of showing it, is through being judgemental, angry, frustrated, self pity.............he feels so bad about himself in so many way...........and he dont know why...........and in order to make himself feel better...................he has to blame other people, because he has no other explanation of why he is feeling so bad...................I have been there for the last ten years.............so who better than me.........to place blame for his misery........
These are all things he has to work out himself............these are deep inner secrets and emotions that stem way before me...............
I am not qualified..................
I have these same things that are going on with me............I am getting support, I am learning, I am helping myself...........I wouldnt not be where I am today............if it wasnt for my support systems..............
I told him that for all those years I was wrong, and that i am sorry for that..............there was alot of his issues that I took upon myself that I had no right to take...........and that I am giving all of those back to him.............I told him that if he decides to drink that is his choice and I am not letting his choices affect me anymore.......I told him that I have let go..........and I mean I have really let go.............maybe that is why he thinks I am being distant............when he starts his rampage.........I no longer join in...........I go to me meeting letting him know that it has nothing to with him and has everything to do with me.......I invited him to go with me.........but that might be odd..............but if he really wants too....My H admitted to feeling very threatened, by me going to my Friday nite Alanon meetings.......he said you are going to meet some guy there that is going through the same thing that you are and bla, bla, bla........He says he know how easy it would be to be swept off my feet............
...I come home now.............and beat him to the punch.........(I would like to have spent some quality time with you, but I didnt want to disturb your nap) you must have been really tired.........
He says he wants to fill his resume out, he wants to go back to school...........he wants to make something better out of himself......
It all boils down to he doesnt feel good about himself at all............
I cant give him what he needs..............he seems so desperate sometimes.......and I really believe that he is in so much emotional pain and is reaching for something, but he dont know what he is reaching for..........but his way of showing it, is through being judgemental, angry, frustrated, self pity.............he feels so bad about himself in so many way...........and he dont know why...........and in order to make himself feel better...................he has to blame other people, because he has no other explanation of why he is feeling so bad...................I have been there for the last ten years.............so who better than me.........to place blame for his misery........
These are all things he has to work out himself............these are deep inner secrets and emotions that stem way before me...............
I am not qualified..................
I have these same things that are going on with me............I am getting support, I am learning, I am helping myself...........I wouldnt not be where I am today............if it wasnt for my support systems..............
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Gracey - I am so proud of the way you are handling all of this.
You're right - it is not your job to sort his problems for him. You have put support in place for you - there is no reason why he can't do the same for himself, if he wants to.
Love
Minnie
xxx
You're right - it is not your job to sort his problems for him. You have put support in place for you - there is no reason why he can't do the same for himself, if he wants to.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Gracey,
You are an inspiration to me. My Ah has the same self esteem issues and I'm always to on to lay the blame on. I think I will need to re-read your post, I think you really got it right thank you
Mindi
You are an inspiration to me. My Ah has the same self esteem issues and I'm always to on to lay the blame on. I think I will need to re-read your post, I think you really got it right thank you
Mindi
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Great Britain
Posts: 138
Gracey,yours was one of the first posts I read when I came here. You have come a long way..girl!!! You are growing and getting stronger. You are showing us that you are an inspiration. You are some one to be very proud of. 
You go Girl!! Always wanted to say that! :8a:
You go Girl!! Always wanted to say that! :8a:
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Wow Gracey!!! You are doing so wonderful and are such a clever girl! I am just now coming to the same conclusion you have... After all this time, all these years - I finally am starting to get that the problem really is HIS and that I can't fix it...He needs real help, someone who is qualified to address his underlying issues. I went to counseling with him last week, and it finally became clear to me. Your post expresses this so well - what a perfect title "Underqualified"...that's it!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 193
Thanks for posting Gracey - I've felt the same way for some time... AH has MANY issues that have been brewing since long before I was in the picture - none of which I am qualified to help with (abandonment, abuse etc...) and I am always the target of his frustrations. He is also VERY threatened with the idea of my recovery - just last Friday he was screaming about how Alanon is a bunch of crap and that I'm just involved in it to find another man (Like I need more problems in my life - man=problems) - quack quack....
Thanks for putting it in black & white - it always seems to make more sense to see it this way!
Christine
Thanks for putting it in black & white - it always seems to make more sense to see it this way!
Christine
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