JessicaNAJ

.....can a person get let down b/4 they finally wake up!!!

Since our big blowout a week ago, Friday, AH has really been there. He's been there in the morning to get the kids, he's helped me paint our daughter's room, and he's been calmer when dealing with me (I'm not very easy to deal with at times).

He called last night and told me he was going to come over to finish painting the cabinet. When he left, he said, "I'll be here by 7:00 and if I'm not, I'll call." Very reassuring. It was a little comforting to hear him him come out and say that without me asking him.

Well, guess what - NO SHOW!!! I'm really not surprised. I'm mad. Mad at him for not showing up and mad at myself for letting my guard down.

He's never going to change. I know this. But when am I going to accept it?

(And to think that I felt bad b/c he was hurting.)

Anyway - thanks for letting me vent. Have a wonderful day!!

Mich

I can totally relate....I HATE that feeling. I guess it is our HP's way of letting us know to focus more on us. Its just so frustrating.
Big Hugs
Michelle

JessicaNAJ

He just called me ....

Said he was sorry, didn't know what happened, hit the snooze a couple times, asked me if I called him (like it was my responsibility to wake him up), said, "I can't believe it's 9:00", then asked if I made it to work on time.

I didn't say much to him other than I barely made it to work on time and I had to go. His apology means nothing to me.

serenity777

Hi Jess, I understand the anger because of the disappointment and broken promises over and over. What helps me is reading the chapter in the Big Book...To Wives. Her is a part of that chapter. "You can see that he really does love you with his better self...but the alcoholic seems to be unloving and inconsiderate; it is usually because he is warped and sickened that he says and does these appalling things. Try not to condemn your AH no matter what he says does. He is just another very sick, unreasonable person. Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember he is very ill." pg 108
also the chapter(story) Acceptance was the Answer....."And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my acoholism, (AH) I could not stay sober(serenity) unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." pg 417
wow, that helps me today...lol when friends in the program suggest i read these chapters sometimes inside i think.......shutup...u dont understand, im in pain here LOL but it turns out it helps.....doesnt take it all away...but im learning. hope that helps a little!!!! bye for now serenity777

cwohio

jessica - serenity has a good suggestion. i read that chapter one evening when i was having a rough weekend with my ah. it does help to reinforce the disease aspect and that we must accept what is.

(((jessica))) and thanks serenity!

JessicaNAJ

I have a hard time looking at him as if he had pneumonia or some other illness (you know what I mean...lol). If he had, he'd get help b/c he would know he's sick. He don't know he's sick, therefore, he's not getting help.

I gave him 14 years of empathy and giving him the benefit of the doubt. I can't do it anymore. It's not fair to me or my kids. I need someone to take care of me. I'm tired of my feelings being put on the back burner with him. Does he think I can handle EVERYTHING that comes my way???

Maybe as I work on my "resentment" issues I will get past this.

This is something I need to work on. It may help me with the above.

Thank you Serenity.

StandingStrong

Well, let me see......I had posted this a few months ago so let me post it again in reference to your question.

I tried to average how many times that AH had gone on one of his drinking binges. Very hard to do as sometimes it was nightly, other times it was maybe once a week, or whatever. So one day I thought, well, let's just pick a number. So I chose an average of 2 times a week.

Okay...ready? Here's the math.

2 times a week - 52 weeks in a year - together 15 1/2 years....................
that turns out to 1,612 times!!!!!
Someone on this site pointed out to me that there is only 365 days a year. So they then pointed out just how many years it added up too (if memory serves me correctly, it was like 4 years).
Now, mind you, I was just averaging with two. And honestly, I think I was very very low on that average!!!!!!!!!

The point is................it happens time and time again until we decide that it won't happen again. It's easy to have hope and have faith and believe the best, we want change so we hope it happens.

I'm sorry you got disappointed again. I know it's hard to tell right now if you're more mad at him or more mad at yourself. I remember those days and nights very very well.

JessicaNAJ

I want off this rollercoaster. I'm calling the attorney tomorrow to make an appointment to meet with her. Now I just need $2000.

I'm tired. I'm drained. I can't do this anymore. His lies, manipulation, deceit... and who knows what else. He's my husband, I should be able to depend on him, and I CAN'T. I never have. What kind of marriage is that? It's a marriage based on lies and I want off this ride!!

casey_r_98

My ex-husband helped me make the decision to leave him.

In the middle of one of our many arguments, I asked him,"Why do I keep putting up with all your BS?" (it was one of those questions that ya really don't expect an answer to)
:argue:
He calmly said, "I don't know. Maybe you like it."

I had no response. That was the best thing I could have heard(as much as it made me mad)

I started asking myself that question and slowly I began to open my eyes.

I know my rambling may not have nothing to do with your situation, but I just wanted to throw in my experience.

1sunshine2

Jess. I am no pro by any means...and I come here in desperation too. No one at home hears you, no one else could possibly understand. So we come here in shear desperation that someone will hear our pain...the only thing I know is when I am having no contact....or totally separating myself from the madness, that is the best I can do for me and the situation. Then when I feel I can deal with it all, I put myelf back in the game. Now after in and out and in and out...I am finding...I can share the time with my AH, until it starts to go south. Then I say okay, I am moving on..and I go do something else...the anger will literally eat your guts out....try to say the serenity prayer over and over when the madness sets in.....just say to yourself...I will say this ten times and if I don't feel a little relief after that...I will do 10 more.....it's really just taking the concentration off of what is going on, and putting something else in it's place....I know that right now, there is a lull in the crappy action in my relationship with my husband, and I am trying to keep in my consciousness what could come around the very next corner. So I am not so blasted when it does....and I don't just mean when he gets drunk again. I mean the promises broken...as we both know....we have been lied to so many times, we are just waiting for the next lie to come out so we can pounce on it..It's what we do...it's how we have made ourselves feel better....so you are on the alert all the time for the next big let down. Well prepare yourself in advance, that this freaking sickness as they call it, comes jam packed with betrayal, irresponsible behavior, lieing, etc....as the symptoms....so the only way you will be able to get yourself on an even keel is to just remember, these symptoms are going to pop up at anytime....and it usually will be when you are expecting something good to happen....stop expecting the AH to do what he says...then you will be happily surprised when he finally does it...plan to do the things by yourself that you wish you could do together....totally plan on it,,,don't half hearted plan on it...then if he pops up into the picture, you will be happy...it's like exactly the reverse of what normal couples do...they totally expect the best of their partners.....we just can't do that...because we will be let down 99% of the time....please try to detach Jess. Whether it's with love or not.....it does say in codependent no more....sometimes you have to do it, whichever way you can....then maybe later the with love part can come.....with love Jess...hugs and hugs..Deb

JessicaNAJ

I've done this for years and have been pretty successful. I gave up trying to get him to do family stuff. And if he does, I certainly don't do cartwheels to tell him how glad I am. But I do say, "I'm glad you came." and I mean it.

As far as the other stuff, it has becoming apparent to me that this is no longer acceptable behavior. I will not continue to accept less that 100% from my spouse. I put in 110%, the least he can do is put in 100.

It would be different, I think if he had some responsibility, but it seems his ONLY responsibility is to his alcohol and making sure he gets it when he wants it.

I am broke, my whole paycheck gone b/c of bills I PAY that WE accumulated together. (I usually have some money left over, but the gas and electric bill was really high this month.) My son needed his inhalers picked up from Walgreens. My AH actually hesitated to give me the money, I thought that was b/c it was his last $40 (I even gave him the change). He said his boss had his W-2 ready, he just had to get a hold of him to pick it up and he would call me as soon as he got a hold of him so we could file our taxes. He ended up at the bar - how can he hesitate to give me money for our son's inhalers and then end up at the bar. How can he put off calling his boss to get his W-2, knowing I am counting on that money to put food in our kids mouths? I don't care what his "disease" is. I will never put my kids second and I'll be damned if I'm going to let someone else do it.

Whew - Sorry... I had to get that out.

Deb - thank you for the pointers. I have got to get back to reading that book.

JessicaNAJ

I vaguely remember having the exact conversation with my AH. Except my answer, at the time was b/c I love and I know you love me and I will do whatever I can to prove to you that I will always be here. No matter what.

The only problem now is - he's said "whatever" to me 1 to many times.

We were having a conversation about him getting ahold of is boss, I shook my head b/c I knew this was a situation I have no control of, I knew it wasn't going to happen and it bothered me. He asked me why I shook my head. I told him "because of situations out of my control." He said, "whatever." Now why even bother asking me if ya don't want to hear the answer. I wasn't rude, I wasn't nagging (as usual - gawd I hate that I have no control over this situation) I even said, "Okay. Call me as soon as you get a hold of him." I guess in his terms that don't mean tonight.

Dee at Mt Bully

Jess--I can just read your pain and frustration--it's like if you could just get one thing
to go right so you could take care of you and your kids--and the reality is that you don't think you can ever count on him I know that feeling they just rattle out empty promises like they are jokes in a bar. I'm so sorry--but you are doing the right thing
you are taking care of yourself. Smiles--Dee

JessicaNAJ

Thanks Dee - I know I am, but it's hard to get there. I'm calling the attorney today. Wish me luck.

cwohio

jessica - good luck! i don't blame you for your frustration especially when you have kids involved.

it's not that he didn't want to hear the answer - it's because the answer he heard was not what he wanted to hear.

1sunshine2

This whole thing is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever lived through. I once dropped a pair of jet skis on my leg and broke both bones..I had the whole thing put back together with a plate and a bunch of screws. That hurt like heck..More than giving birth..which I thought sucked....but this being married to an A......you could break my legs as many times as I have had my heart broken by the same man....and it would have hurt alot less. And the recovery was a hell of alot easier...good luck Jess....stay tough you will be fine.....I just really believe we must be the toughest women in the world, the ones that are married to alcoholics.....or we are just as freaking sick as they are....and I know that's the thought among the masses....I chose to be less sick, and alot more tough....*o)

myselfagain

jess, sounds like you and i lived the same life.
Think about what i thought about............................... ......

I started thinking about kids moving out and going on with their lives.....
mine are 20 19 17 and 14.
WOW............... they leave the nest and I am stuck here with him by myself.
I got to thinking about what our retirement would be like and I got to tell ya , I didnr like what I pictured at all. That was another reason I decided to divorce mine.

One of my kids told me after we were divorced and she went off to college that the only reason she comes home is because he is not here, if I had stayed married to him she wouldn;t come home at all.

chrisea

i'm not married to my a or even have kids to any of my x ah's... but I am to the point that when he doesn't come around, I'm Elated, Happy and learning to let him figure out what he's going to do... I'm tired of proping him up and he just keeps on going like nothing is wrong.