StandingStrong

I've noticed over the past year that AH and I have been seperated, there have been times where 1) I've actually caught myself acting out like he did when he was drunk and 2) that I sometimes react to things with people in the same way I reacted to AH's drinking.
This is something that I've struggled with. I think I've finally got a grip on the not acting out like AH did when he was drunk as I recognized it early on. However, I've noticed that my lack of trust and faith in people has apparently been more effected than I realized.
Tonight I had a huge outragious blow up fit with a friend of mine. Come to find out, it was apparently a miscommunication. However, I was taken back in time to a place where AH had done something very similar. I was reacting to my friend in the present time for the similarities in what they had done.
I really over-reacted.
Luckily for me, this friend understands that the damage my AH caused me in this sense is a weak spot with me. They came over and explained their side of things (after a horrible phone conversation) and reassured me.
Sadly though, I can't help but see that I really over-reacted. For me, it was a "trigger", it was like being taken back in time and dealing with my AH.
I've come to understand alot of the wounds that I carry. I try to recognize them and work to fix them. However, I find it really depressing that I was so wounded that I acted out as I did.

Have any of you noticed this happening to them? Do you treat others with the same attitude you treat your A? Have you found they have rubbed off on you enough that you even have become to act like them to others - or simply react to others the way you do them?

I really just need to get the money together so I can get my divorce/dissolution done with and move on with my life, once and for all.

bluester

Alcoholics are emotional batterers. Dealing with the emotional abuse you have suffered during years of being married to a AH is hard. While you were married to AH,were you accused of being the most stupid person he’s ever met? Think this is the common statement used by several AHs. Think its a form of control. Keep you in check with what he wants. He could push your buttons,get you angry and you would do what he wanted. After years of this type emotional abuse, you become numb.
See you are separated,but dealing with all the emotions of you. This sounds like it is scary.
Hang in there and hopefully some one else will post some words of wisdom for you.

JT

It sounds to me that this is less about the alcoholic and more about you. There was something in you that led you into an alcoholic marriage and there is something in you that continues to cause you to act in ways that are self-destructive.

I am a codependent and codependents are by nature not happy when things are quiet. I was and still am as addicted to chaos as the alcoholics around me are addicted to alcohol. My codependency is completely separate from any other person but it thrives on conflict. If I don't have it I will create it. One day at a time I fight it to keep peace in my life and so far I am winning. It gets easier with practice.

Hugs,
JT

amitiredenuff

It was suggested to me by my counselor who is also a recovering alcoholic (17 yrs) and a recovering co-dependent that I pray the 3rd step prayer every day. That God would relieve my of the bondage of self and take away my difficulties that I may help others as an example of His love, His power, His will and His way (paraphrased). Since I have begun to do that things in me have amazingly begun to shift. I struggle with the same problems, the same character defects, the same "issues". In that way, I am in bondage to myself. By asking God, he gives me an awareness and he transforms me in his time. She also suggested that I ask for openness and willingness to change. All of this has pointed me toward a "spiritual awakening" of sorts. Before I began to do this I was plagued by anger, mistrust, bitterness, pain. Since I started doing this I am not nearly as interested in creating chaos or living in it, I am not so concerned with others behavior as my own and have a keen awareness of when I'm headed in the wrong direction. When my peace and serenity leave, no matter what the circumstances, I have some work to do. She also told me to read the "Acceptance" pamphlet. I was constantly acting out on my anger, continuously reminded of the past by some place, person, situation or circumstance. I couldn't control it on my own, I needed help. These are just some things that have helped me and if I remain teachable, open and willing I think they will continue to help me be the person that God wants me to be. I will be able to remain true to myself, let go and let God. Just a reminder that you are not alone. We all have been damaged, hurt, wounded. We don't want to live there anymore, but we are HUMAN. Maybe this was just a part of making you aware so that you can ask for help. You did and you handled it just fine. Amends were made and things were straightened out. You're growing and that's a good thing. Don't beat yourself up. Like JT said "It gets easier with practice".

Ami

wraybear

I agree, don't beat yourself up. We lived with our A for so long that it will take time to "undo" our ways of reacting or over reacting to things. I know I tend to create chaos when there is no reason for there to be any chaos.

I think it is great that you were able to see your part in this miscommunication and deal with it head on instead of internalizing it for days and weeks! Hip hip hooray for you!

Someone on here told me these things over the past few weeks that have really helped...

- you have come a long way in a short time
- consider this a minor hiccup
- what did you learn from this (you dealt with it head-on - and are aware of this tendency - that is a HUGE step)

I am sure there are many other things the wise people from this sight can share much better than myself.

Take care... Have a peaceful day!

Gabe

Standing, Carolyn Myss refers to this as "Woundology". There is a link in this thread to an article about it if you're interested.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=48472

StandingStrong

Here's a brief idea of what happened:

My friend came over on Friday to help me do something in the house that I can't do alone.
They told me they would come back the next day so we could finish it up.
Okay..no problem.
Well, the day passed with no phone call, no show up, etc. Finally, I gave in and called them to see why they weren't here or why I hadn't seen them.
They said they thought they told me they'd be over on Sunday.
Now, in their defense, they had been awake over 30something hours friday as they work 3rd shift, it is possible they didn't remember what exactly the plans were.
For me though......
It was a flashback to when Ah would leave for work in the mornings and not show up till 1:00-3:00 in the morning. Leaving me to worry they had been in an accident, angry to be treated with such disrespect, etc.
It was if I was right back there with my AH. And then to discover the person is absolutely fine after I've worried and fretted over them - well, maybe it's just me, but that just makes me even angrier.
All of my closest friends know that this type of behaviour drives me batty. They all know that I have this major thing with being treated with respect. For example, a friend of mine never would call me or come to my house, she always expected me to call her or go there. At one point, I stopped all contact with her waiting for her to contact me. It was 8 months and I finally called her (right after AH and I were seperating) and asked her why she hadn't contacted me. I told her that I was tired of people that supposedly cared and loved me the most treating me the worst! She has gotten alot better.
I guess I figure that in every relationship (spouse, significant other, friend, family, etc), it's about give and take. It's a mutual understanding of love, respect, appreciation, etc.
I want to be treated as I treat others.

So anyways, now you know what happened.
I was irrationally angry. I had been zapped right back into that space of time of waiting, worrying, etc. about AH - only this time it wasn't my AH that was MIA. I just know that I really need to get a better grip on this.
Ironically, I had thought about the reasons that I would find acceptable for them not having called or came over as they said. I was setting my boundaries before I even called them (lol).
All in all, it was apparently a misunderstanding. And I was comforted in the fact that they came over to make amends though I told them they didn't have too while we were on the phone.

Not everyone is my AH. I guess I need to realize that and somehow learn to deal with each individual and circumstance instead of just reacting as I've been so used to doing for so long.

sorry so long, guess I was just rambling.

rara

Standing--I understand some of what you are feeling. I have become so insecure and jumpy because of the chaos and uncertainty I live with (AH), that it has spilled over into many of my other relationships, friends and family, but more with friends. It is only in recent months that I have realized how fearful I become--panicked, anxious, angry--when I don't hear from people soon after I called them or if plans get broken. I really hate when this behavior spills over and is obvious to others. My sister recently told me I was acting paranoid and was losing my identity. This didn't surprise me but I felt very sad, angry at my AH and at myself for being in the middle of this. And, how did I get here????

I have nearly lost a couple of friendships in the last few years because of my "fear of abandonment" behavior. I am trying hard now to be very aware of it, and I try to relax and remember it is from living in the chaos of alcoholism, and that no one wants to leave me just because they don't get back to me right away. It is still there, but I am slowly getting better. I didn't grow up in an A household, but there were other problems, that's for sure, which left me with the abandonment issues.

Anyway, I am so glad you are seeing this, because even though what you are going through is painful, it will only help you get better. I feel like I am coming up from being underwater, and I don't want to lose or alienate those who love me because I am living with this craziness. I need my family and friends and have made a point lately of showing that I appreciate them, and will also call them on things I feel are truly hurtful, rather than imagining they are hurting me! On the other hand, I've learned that some people are like poison when you need support, and they can make things worse. I don't look for sympathy, YUCK! But I appreciate friendship more than ever. You'll be all the stronger for this!!!

Dee at Mt Bully

Standing--Don't be so hard on yourself--be thankful you recognize what is going
on and that your friends are still around. You did not learn all this negative behavior in a few weeks so it won't go away in a few weeks. You are doing good. We all
just have to keep plodding a long learning what we can along the way. Smiles--Dee