Is it fair???

Old 01-22-2005, 09:52 PM
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Barely There
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Is it fair???

Got myself all organised to go despite the promises it will all change. But tell me (I have not been to Al-anon) is it fair for me to leave and let him try to get sober by himself???

He has no friends anymore and I don't think he will call on his family? I worry he will only try to get sober if I stay to support him - but I have been down that road before.

Can he do it alone?

Would appreciate your thoughts/experience....
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Old 01-22-2005, 10:01 PM
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I don't know if I really have earned my right to respond, but I will respond with the knowledge I have gotten from here.

I guess its not your problem if you chose to leave.You are entitled to happiness and most importantly, to take care of yourself and your well being. People talk about detaching lovenly, that I don't know a lot about as I have only been to a few meetings myself, and I'm still very angry at my Abf.

I'm sure tons of regulars with awesome advice will give their input.

(((hugs)))
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Old 01-22-2005, 10:24 PM
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yes it is fair

for you to be happy.
I will share what happened to me and mine.
I had been telling my AH for a long time that he was ruining a life we built together . He was ruining our family. I did this every couple of months or so for several years. I never went off on him about his drinking, i had detatched from his drinking long ago.I do not consider myself to be a codie. I had gone on with my and my childrens life for as far back as i can remember. My AH was one that worked every day, came home and started drinking around 8 or so and drank until he passed out EVERY nite.
In June 2003 I hit my bottom, I told my AH that I was done, I wanted a divorce.
I was tired of his drinking and all that it entailed, we did nothing together as a couple anymore. Didnt go out at nite cause he had to be at home so he could drink............................................. ........ I still went out with friends and had a good time, he stayed at home and after the kids went to bed he would start drinking.
The day after I told him this he QUIT drinking cold turkey !!!!
Still got a divorce and I and 1/2 of the kids are happier than we have been in a LONG time.
He says to this day, he has not had a drink. But what he did say to me during the divorce pissed me off then and stilll does today.
His words were " I knew you were depressed and not happy about my drinking, I was just not ready to quit. I figured you would just keep putting up with it."
Take what you want and leave he rest, this is just what happened in my case.
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Old 01-23-2005, 12:21 AM
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Is it fair to leave your A so that they must find recovery on their own?
I believe that is is fair.
They need to be responsible for thier own addictions, recovery, etc.
If needing your support is the reason they can't do it on their own, I'd have to wonder if they were only trying to become sober for you.
Yes, they need support. however, they should be able to find that support in AA. And it's not your fault they no longer have their friends. It's probably that the only friends they have left are the ones that drink!

Can he do it alone?
I believe that is up to each individual. But I'd like to believe that if the A wanted it bad enough, they wouldn't need a spouse to stay and support them.

On a side note, though you didn't really ask.....I have to ask you something. (looking at it a different way). Would you want a spouse to stay with you that was staying out of guilt and wasn't in love with you anymore? Is that fair?

His recovery or not - do you want to save the marriage or do you just feel that it's over?
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Old 01-23-2005, 12:38 AM
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I had been living with an abusive alcoholic for a little over a year.
In his drunken rages, he kept telling me to get the f**k out of his house.
I accepted the fact that I couldn't change or control him.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and again, he told me to get out.
I put my life in God's hands, and I am now in my own home.
I am living where I can start to heal from the breast surgery.
No longer putting up with mental and verbal abuse.

NOW, he is saying that he is sorry and that he made a lot of mistakes.
I have been praying for my ex-alcoholic. Since I moved out, he has decided to seek counseling for his alcoholism and his anger.

You see, I couldn't change anyone but myself. My ex-alcoholic is left to deal with his own problems. I pray that God will help him and guide him!
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Old 01-23-2005, 01:10 PM
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You said in your post that you thought he would only get sober if you were there to support him, but that you had been down that road before. There is your answer. You have tried to stay and support him in getting sober and it didn't work. Now it's time to try something different. This may not do it either. Bottom line... He will quit when he is ready. My AH just moved out today. Will that get him sober? Probably not. He had all the support in the world from me and from his entire family, network of friends, etc. and that didn't work. He went to rehab and it didn't work. He wasn't ready. He will get sober when he is ready. That said, it is not your job to stick around and wait until he is ready. If you aren't happy, then you do what it takes to make yourself happy. Easier said than done, I know. But all you can do right now is take care of yourself. Get to some al-anon meetings. There you will learn the 3 Cs: You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. It's a disease. Nothing you do will change him. He has to do this on his own.
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Old 01-23-2005, 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Audrey72
He has no friends anymore and I don't think he will call on his family?
Why is this? Is this a consequence of his drinking?

Enabling is not allowing the alcoholic to face the consequences of their behaviour.

I know how tough this is, hon. I've been there. The most loving thing we can do is allow them to hit their bottom. This is the only way that they will hurt enough to make sobriety a better option.

Take care

Love

Minnie
xxx
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Old 01-23-2005, 03:22 PM
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JT
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Audrey,

He has to get sober on his own whether you are there or not. And if he tells you any different it is manipulation...

Hugs,
JT
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Old 01-23-2005, 04:13 PM
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JT beat me to it

He will get sober or not whether you stay or go. His sobriety (or lack of it) is his problem, his concern.

YOUR well being, peace of mind etc are within your power & control. You have to do what is necessary to make sure that you are ok. Stay if it's the right thing for you. Leave if it's the right thing. Only you can know for sure.

Hugs and love
Barb
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Old 01-23-2005, 09:30 PM
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Thanks so much everyone. I am trying to stay detached and go through with my plans.

It helps that so many understand - I no longer feel "insane"

Audrey.
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