jalacola

Why is it fair for the As in our lives to just up and leave everything whenever they feel like it? I know it isn't acceptable, but seriously. My AH got off work today and called me from the health club (that he randomly frequents) saying he was thinking about working out. That was at 5 and about 45 minutes from home. I told him if he didn't feel like it, then he could just come home b/c I really needed him to get diapers and formula for our baby b/c I was out of formula and had one diaper left. He asked why I couldn't do it. I explained that both kids were sick (had been to the doctor yesterday) and I didn't want to get them out in the cold again. So he tells me to drive through Walgreens and ask them to get the stuff for me and tell them I would pay extra??? Whatever. Walgreens drive-thru isn't for that. I said nevermind. I would get the sick kids out again. THEN...he calls at 6:45 from his coveted big-wig cigar (BYOB) club. I didn't answer. So now he is on his way home...at 8:30, slurring his words. Why do I even bother? And he doesn't want to talk about anything. He wants to come home and act like everything is fine. I am not allowed to talk about any of my feelings b/c it "brings him down." UGH! I hate this. When do I get to be happy??? I was invited out to dinner tonight and didn't get to go b/c of this. I didn't tell him ahead of time b/c I thought for sure he would be home by 7 (it was at 7:30). Of course he says had I told him he would have come home. Whatever. He can say that all he wants but the truth is he would have griped and said that he already had planned to do what he wanted. And I bet you this too...I bet he didn't even work out. I bet you any amount of money that he walks in this house in his work clothes still and after he works out, he never changes back.

Dee at Mt Bully

Sounds rough 2 babies that are sick and no help from the AH. That is what they do
they are very selfish and they are not concerned about other people. I'm sure you
have all ready read this on this sight--but just in case you forgot--selfish. Sorry
if that sounds harsh but--it is reality. Maybe next time you have an opportunity to
get out you could line up a sitter. Then you wouldn't have to worry about what AH is up to. Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Smiles--Dee

jalacola

Thanks, Dee. Doubtful. I did something no one here at SR would advocate last night. AH SWORE to me that he hadn't been drinking at the cigar club, though I could tell in his voice. At 9:20, he wasn't home yet after telling me at 8:20 he was 5 minutes away. So, I got in my car and drove straight to the bar I thought he was at. Sure enough, he was there. He parked his truck in the back, I mean the BACK back. So, I got the kids, went in, walked right up to him and the friend he was sitting with and grabbed the empty shot glass in front of him and threw it at him. And turned around and left. He was saying, "Wait. What's wrong? Come back." UUGGHH! I grabbed some stuff at home and went to stay at his brother's and his wife's house. But before doing that, I drove by this friend's house to see if AH was there, b/c an hour later he still hadn't come home. Sure enough, he was there. 10:45 at night. It's 6:30 am now. I came home to get myself and the kids ready and he hasn't come home. I guess he is probably pretty hungover now. I am sure that his so-called friend (his BEST friend in fact) and his wife were drinking it up with him after he got to their house. Good friends, huh? I know, I know, I know...it's not their fault. But they don't even try to talk to him about what he's doing. Not that it would do any good. I guess they think if they can't beat him, join him! Anyway, I am pretty pissed that he hasn't been home. He is supposed to be at work at 7:30 and has to leave our house RIGHT NOW in order to make it on time. He cannot lose his job!

JessicaNAJ

Friday night I did the same thing / except he wasn't at the bar, he was at his apartment. I went over there totally t'd off b/c he kept hanging up on me and being rude and yada yada yada. Anyway, when i got there, the first thing I did was pour out his drink, then the 2 liter of coke he was mixing it with, then the bottle I found in fridge. I've never done that before and I know it's not really recommended I do that - but it felt so good cause I was so mad at that s#!t. It gave me a sense of power - now tell me that don't sound like a major set back to me controlling my "Controlling Behavior".

I'm going to tell you something I should tell myself everyday (well, I do, but it don't always work) - Don't worry so much about what he's doing. Take care of you and the kids. There is nothing you can do to change who he is and what he's doing. All your going to end up doing is driving yourself nuts b/c he won't change.

Focus on you and what you need for you. Find peace within yourself.

(((jalacola)))

ahcb

Jal,

I am sure Jess is right. In the end you are powerless to effect his drinking one way or the other. But i think we in this boat have to decide what we will put up with or not put up with. FInding peace within yourself is a wonderful thing to do. However, we must recognize that if "finding peace" means subjecting ourselves to the same type of treatment you described over and over, well is that really peace?

I think we can "find peace" and we can find it one of two ways. We can be passive, or aggresive(?). Passive to me is accepting his behavior, and tryng to be rational concerning his unrational behavior. The incident you describe the going to the bar, i call the aggressive method of "finding peace". You made a statement!

BY that act you said that "I to have feelings, i have rights and one of them is to be treated with SIMPLE respect. I am not asking for more than that from you, but i will not accept less"...Honestly I say -Good for You-

On Jan 17th we celebrated MLK jr . He sought rights by extremely passive methods. To show the world (and us) just how many basic rights and freedoms were denied.
Contrast that to Malcom X, who working towards the same objective took a more aggressive stance. He said I will sit here and if you attempt to move me I will not be passive, and I will not accept a beating. I ask you for no more, but will not accept less.

My point is that in my mind you did nothing wrong. Like the two above they chose different roads to the same destination. Those of us who live or havd lived with A spouses also have to stand up and say "this far, but no further". While we speak of a higher power, sometimes that power is us. That higher power gives you courage to accept as well as courage NOT to accept. I also think it is not a case of you driving yourself nuts...IT IS HIM driving you nuts.

I digress and I ramble. But if alcoholism is a progressive disease then our behavior must also change with every step down the alcoholic takes. I think we owe it to ourselves to, at some point, say this far and no further...

jalacola

Thank you very much, achb. Yes, I did find some peace by doing what I did. For the simple reason that he lies to me to my face about drinking and at least by catching him, I let him know that I am not stupid. Do I expect it to make him stop? Absolutely not. I don't even think a divorce will. But I am chosing to move on with my life from a life that is not even CLOSE to as good as I deserve. You are right. I have drawn my line. He has crossed it too many times before, but this time I drew it in BOLD!

escape artist

it's not fair. i have done the same thing you did - i was furious because he left the 2 kids outside in the tent with a fire going and went down to the bar. a friend just happened to stop by and i asked them to stay while i went up to the bar. it's 2 blocks away. after my confrontation with him i left - and it really didn't do much but make me feel like a fool. (he didn't know someone was with the kids, he just thought I left them! he still didn't ACT like he cared )
at this point though when i realized that all my "limits" were just like a chess game to him, and i was demanding he go to AA, something in my head said "You need to go to AL-ANON"! I said no more to him and found a meeting. i still don't say anything more to him about his drinking and He is kind of wondering what's up? The sublte changes so far--he switched to a "lite" beer HA HA HA!! and he asks his KIDS if i am mad (I am not- Can't he read me anymore? ) He HAS NOT HUNG OUT AT THE BAR since i started on my road to recovery! the one time he did say, "i'm going to get a beer" i didn't answer but i said to my self, "See YA!", three minutes later he is back at the house. He didn't GO! i didn't say a word. still don't. Wait a minute I did ask him the other day if he was going to have dinner with us or was he on a liquid diet tonite" IS that out of line?