drgnfly30

my AH & I had our very first date.... we were very young (I just 16 & he was 17)... funny how life works... I remember that he had to lie to his guardian (an A) to get out of the house with the car.. he was supposed to be at an Alanon meeting!!!

Despite the ups & MANY downs, I still love this man to the core of my being.... No matter how he treats me when he's drinking, no matter how much I can't stand him when he drinks, no matter how many awful thoughts about wishing him dead run through my head during these episodes, I cannot imagine my life without him.

Please tell me I'm not alone... I see so many of you have left your A or are in the process... I just don't see myself doing this, for now... Sometimes I feel I must be the strongest person around for being able to put up with the BS, other times I feel I must be the dumbest for putting up with so much... Am I crazy?
Thanks for being there!
Christine

CrazyRed

Hey! I too was 16 when my active AL and I first met and started seeing each other -off and on for almost 18 years now. We never married, no children, no cohabitation etc. We've been seeing each other exclusive for 2 years now, with all of the ups and downs. It was the same old cycle until I had enough of the 'same thing over and over expecting different results' last year and got myself to AlAnon. Upon entering my 1st meeting, my expectations were to learn how to become comfortable enough with myself to leave him and not look back. (He's NEVER hit me or threatened to, but was verbally abusive on the telephone but never in person.) Round and round the merry-go-round we went. (The Merry Go Round AlAnon pamphlet really spoke to me.)

Heart and soul, I love him. I loved him since the day I first saw him and I'll love him till the day I die. I'm now way more comfortable with myself than I was with all of the new support of AlAnon and other tools. I'm changing my life, slowly but with steady satisfaction. I'm choosing how to respond rather than react to situations with my AL and everyone else in my life. It's taken the venom and the sting out of me, that's for sure.

Yes, I am still 'with' my active AL going on 18 years now. I have seen some miraculous (sp?) changes in our relationship, sometimes it's the same old -but not as often.
I am doing what is comfortable for me right now. I have the tiny hope somewhere that things might work out but that is up to my HP. I realize that is is fruitless to expect to have a 'regular' relationship with any kind of active addict. When I am angry or frustrated with the AL or anyone else, I try to look within myself for the root of my feelings. I choose how I feel, right?

I could go on and on, but I wanted to say that yes I am.

Thanks for your sharing,
Red

JT

Christine,

The important thing is if you are able to be happy. Can you find peace? It is possible...I do it. I have been married for 23 years and I am very content with my life even tho Ward continues to drink.

Not all alcoholics are bad people. I look at the good and ignore the things that are annoying which, by the way, do not include abuse or lieing etc. He just checks out of his life every night.

Hugs,
JT

Dee at Mt Bully

There is not a rule that says you should stay or go. Sometimes I wish I could look past
the things the Alcoholic does and just see my AH. It is not easy to think about
being alone. I don't recommend it. I admire those of you with a big enough heart to see past the disease. I'm learning all about taking care of myself,but I still can't live
with my AH. Wish I could. Prayers and Smiles--Dee

hope2bhappy

Everyone's situation is different. Some A's are very abusive, some are very angry, and some are the complete opposite. If marriage to an A is complete misery and/or danger, then perhaps leaving is a solution. Unless the marriage is dangerous to the spouse or the children, I advocate staying put and getting help for yourself before making this decision. Once you have worked on your own recovery, then you are in a better frame of mind to decide if this is something you can live with. In the beginning, I used to think there was no way on earth my life would ever be happy or normal as long as this person was in it. I was too caught up in the emotion to be able to make any sound, rational decisions. I'm glad I didn't leave. Today I choose to stay.

equus

You're not alone. I love my husband to the core of my being too. He's never been abusive even drunk but years ago when we were just friends he disappeared and I spent 9 years alone thinking he was most likely dead.

I don't feel crazy because I have so much, I don't fear life with him but I do fear losing him and I fear watching it happen.

On the flip side I value what I have (I think) much more than couples who take for granted their future. When a good thing happens I take every ounce of pleasure there is in it - I see it for what it is, a minor miracle, the one more day I always wished for.