Just looking for some advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Massapequa, NY
Posts: 4
Just looking for some advice
Hello there! I have posted once before and been reading these threads for like 6 months now. I must say that i have found much comfort in reading all your stories.........I am married to an A but in reading all these stories I have noticed that most of you express that you love your A but are tired of what they are doing to you......In my case I dont feel any love for my AH.....I have been married for 17 1/2 years and have 5 beautiful children that I have to consider.........My A says he is in recovery but is still drinking......He believes that if me and the kids dont see him drinking then he is not.........Well we all know the truth........Recently he, i guess, in trying recovery (well he was sober for 8 years and in the past 2 years has been sneaking drinking by himself in his car or wherever) is accussing me of being an A because i go bowling once a week (which i have been doing for 10 years now in same league, same alley) and have 4 to 5 drinks depending on the night and stuff..........He says that everything is in my hands........my childrens future........my future.........his future and thou I dont believe that is the case I must think of my children.....He threathens to take away everything from us because he knows he has no power over me and thats all he has is his money.....i am a stay at home mom now for the past 8 years so i dont get a paycheck.......My job is to shauffer the kids around, pay the bills, cook, clean, laundry, house repairs, gardening, pool maintanence, painting, moving man and well i could go on but i think you get my drift.....lHis job is to go to work and thats all that is require of him......He works 3 or 4 days a week and well he is tired the rest of the week or its his days off so he cant help out........I have decided that i will not complain any longer on him not helping out so i do it all by myself and recently i have been going out with friends to eat or just to chat......well of course you that means I am a horrible mother and that I am cheating and that list goes on and on too...... He believes that one day i will wake up and realize what i am throwing away.....I read loopylou's post today and boy i can relate to her.,.....I go through the same [email protected] also tells me that I am sick and that i need help..........I am just looking for someone to help me to deal with the ANGER i have all the time......he believes its not cause he is drinking it because i have decided that i am not happy and i am distroying 7 lives in the process.......I dont believe that but in the same note he says this in front of the kids and i just explode.....i know i have to stop but i dont know how.......does anyone have any advice to how i can do that???????????? I do believe that what will be will be and i dont sit around dwelling over this situation.....I take care of my family and myself and i leave him to himself and he just calls me all kinds of names.......i do worry about going out on my own........who will actually give me a fair chance with 5 children.......I dont need someone to take care of my kids but i would like someone to treat me the way i should be treated......dont think thats too much to ask.......I just am afraid that i wont be able to support me and the kids even though we would get a nice piece of his pension (yes he retired from the PD so he gets a nice pension) so i know that we would be ok but i dont want them to suffer ........Am i being fair to them?????????I dont want to stay with him when i cant even stand him.......does anyone feel this way or does everyone love thier A????????
I have read things on the HP and i think thats what i do but maybe i dont understand exactly what that means........i dont try and fix him ( i dont really give a crap about him) i dont try and control him ( he goes out whenever he wants to and i dont care where he is....its peaceful here without him)......I just try and do what i need to do for the kids and me and leave the rest in the HP hand......is this what i am suppose to do???????
PLEASE COULD SOMEONE HELP OUT A GIRL IN NEED.......THANK YOU FOR LISTENING WHILE I RAMBLE ON
I have read things on the HP and i think thats what i do but maybe i dont understand exactly what that means........i dont try and fix him ( i dont really give a crap about him) i dont try and control him ( he goes out whenever he wants to and i dont care where he is....its peaceful here without him)......I just try and do what i need to do for the kids and me and leave the rest in the HP hand......is this what i am suppose to do???????
PLEASE COULD SOMEONE HELP OUT A GIRL IN NEED.......THANK YOU FOR LISTENING WHILE I RAMBLE ON
Barely There
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Adelaide Sa
Posts: 39
First of Curious - give yourself a big hug for being a wonderful Mum and trying so hard to keep it all together for the kids.
Unfortunately I have no answers and will also be watching here for some advice. What I can offer is understanding and encouragement that you are doing the best you can under extremely difficult circumstances.
I can't imagine having 5 littlies - I have 2 and am also scared at starting with nothing and losing a lot of financial security I have helped build. But I am beginning to think I would rather have some mental peace and nothing than feel like my head is going to explode from trying to understand AH and his beahviours. Having said that I too am finding it hard to take that next step to end it.
I do not think I am l in love with my AH anymore - I do not even like the person he has become, but the thought of cutting ties and never going back scares me. I had the old dream of "forever" etc and it's the dream I am grieving not him. The thought of being alone with 2 kids is scary too, but I don't know how to ever trust a man again either.
Sorry I couldn't be any help - just please keep being strong and keeping an eye on those kids. I guess you need to know that if you even sense they are being adversely affected - you then have your answer. Let me know how you go.
Hugs
Unfortunately I have no answers and will also be watching here for some advice. What I can offer is understanding and encouragement that you are doing the best you can under extremely difficult circumstances.
I can't imagine having 5 littlies - I have 2 and am also scared at starting with nothing and losing a lot of financial security I have helped build. But I am beginning to think I would rather have some mental peace and nothing than feel like my head is going to explode from trying to understand AH and his beahviours. Having said that I too am finding it hard to take that next step to end it.
I do not think I am l in love with my AH anymore - I do not even like the person he has become, but the thought of cutting ties and never going back scares me. I had the old dream of "forever" etc and it's the dream I am grieving not him. The thought of being alone with 2 kids is scary too, but I don't know how to ever trust a man again either.
Sorry I couldn't be any help - just please keep being strong and keeping an eye on those kids. I guess you need to know that if you even sense they are being adversely affected - you then have your answer. Let me know how you go.
Hugs
On My Own Now....
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 15
Hi Curious,
I read your post and and I just need to tell you, which you might already know, that his verbal abuse is a control thing. He probably feels that if he knocks down your self esteem then you will not have enough to actually get up and leave him. You leaving him is exactly what he is deathly afraid of because he knows you have good reason! If you know that this is where it is stemming from, then it might make it easier to deal with? Just my experience though.
Second, your anger issues are understandable but avoidable too. I recommend finding a good Alanon meeting in your area to attend. The program will help you find ways to disarm the flare ups that only hurt you and the children. The meetings will also give you an escape for a couple of hours (yes, this will be cheating too im sure!!).
Above all, take care of yourself so that you can take care of the kids. You have a very tough job and I for one think it is much harder than any 40hr per week job. You are in my prayers and thoughts.
:hugehug
SunDance
I read your post and and I just need to tell you, which you might already know, that his verbal abuse is a control thing. He probably feels that if he knocks down your self esteem then you will not have enough to actually get up and leave him. You leaving him is exactly what he is deathly afraid of because he knows you have good reason! If you know that this is where it is stemming from, then it might make it easier to deal with? Just my experience though.
Second, your anger issues are understandable but avoidable too. I recommend finding a good Alanon meeting in your area to attend. The program will help you find ways to disarm the flare ups that only hurt you and the children. The meetings will also give you an escape for a couple of hours (yes, this will be cheating too im sure!!).
Above all, take care of yourself so that you can take care of the kids. You have a very tough job and I for one think it is much harder than any 40hr per week job. You are in my prayers and thoughts.
:hugehug
SunDance
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am going to make a comment and then duck in case skillets fly.
Is this the role model of marriage you wish to teach your children? Whatever they live is what they think is normal and will likely duplicate it.
Hope you can make it to some al-anon meetings, you will find much more than you imagine there, including the processing of the anger.
Said with love,
and a hug,
live
Is this the role model of marriage you wish to teach your children? Whatever they live is what they think is normal and will likely duplicate it.
Hope you can make it to some al-anon meetings, you will find much more than you imagine there, including the processing of the anger.
Said with love,
and a hug,
live
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Massapequa, NY
Posts: 4
I would like to start off by saying thank you all for taking the time to listen to me and for your support.
In response to audrey72, you did help me a great deal in knowing that i am not the only one out here that doesnt like the person the AH is and that I dont think I love him anymore either. Your words are very comforting and I wish you the best too. It is very difficult with 5 but i must say the 3 older ones are bigger so they are a big help to me and with the little ones. They see the struggle and they do try and pitch in which i believe will make them better husbands later on (yes they are boys 16,14 and10). I am afraid to go back out there but I know I can if need be, just dont want the kids to suffer thats all. So thank you again.
Now as far as Sundance yes I do know and believe it is verbal abuse and that he is afraid of leaving because i have told him over and over again he is going to be old and lonely man someday and he will deserve it. I get from him which i know is crap.......He clinches at his left arm, his chest, says he is going to die because I refuse to be nice to him and accept him for who he is. I tried to go to al-anon but he makes the kids lives hell when i am gone and they expressed that they dont like it when i leave him home. He punishes them or yells at them and they go to thier rooms and then i feel guilty so i stopped. I know i have to go,, but coming here has helped me until i can go again. I have two little ones (2 & 4) and thats why i cant just pick up and leave to go to some meetings. I dont like to have the boys watch them and besides he says i am a horrible mother if i leave them home but of course he can do so to go and drink in his car. But i understand your words and i am trying. I went to counceling last month because i was concerned with the older boys and I wanted to get us into some kind of therapy so i went to the H.S. and they suggested this counceling group. I am actively going to once a week meetings to help me to adjust and keep my anger in check. Lets keep our fingers crossed so that i dont allow these boys to grow up like him. Thanks for all your words and I wish u luck in your journey too.
Ok now You LIVEWEYERD...........I would never throw a skillet at someone who is giving an opinion to a question that I asked.......You are absolutely correct....I dont want this to be a role model for my boys (4 are boys and 1 is a girl)........That is why I decided to get help and look for it.......I know this is bad for them.........I am doing the best that I can........I talk to them and let them know what they should do to help and to be polite to people even if they dont like them.....just be polite......my AH is not polite to anyone that dont benefit him.......I see that now more than ever and I hate it......I want my boys to be loving and wonderful husbands and in this process I hope that that is what i acheive and even if i dont stay married but my boys RESPECT a WOMEN then I believe that is my reward and I will know I did what i needed to-to make them better men......It just gets real hard when he tells me that they are going to be juveniele deliquents if they have no father and that they wont know what a normal relationship is so i should just be nice to him and accept him and then everything will be back to normal.......NORMAL......HE IS OUT OF HIS MIND......NOTHING NORMAL HERE.......He believes that al-anon should teach me that he has a desease and that he cant help himself and that i should accept him the way he is....I know that is not the case its just real frustrating when he says this over and over and in front of the kids and then says I love you and want to make this work but all his actions is to sabatage our marriage. I thank you for being up front with me. I understand it all its just going to the next step i suppose......Your words comforting and i thank you and hope we all are saved from our hell we call our lives.
((((((((((((big hugs and especially a big thank you))))))))))))))
I will keep you informed because its a daily drama here but i will post when i can.............
good nite and thanks again
In response to audrey72, you did help me a great deal in knowing that i am not the only one out here that doesnt like the person the AH is and that I dont think I love him anymore either. Your words are very comforting and I wish you the best too. It is very difficult with 5 but i must say the 3 older ones are bigger so they are a big help to me and with the little ones. They see the struggle and they do try and pitch in which i believe will make them better husbands later on (yes they are boys 16,14 and10). I am afraid to go back out there but I know I can if need be, just dont want the kids to suffer thats all. So thank you again.
Now as far as Sundance yes I do know and believe it is verbal abuse and that he is afraid of leaving because i have told him over and over again he is going to be old and lonely man someday and he will deserve it. I get from him which i know is crap.......He clinches at his left arm, his chest, says he is going to die because I refuse to be nice to him and accept him for who he is. I tried to go to al-anon but he makes the kids lives hell when i am gone and they expressed that they dont like it when i leave him home. He punishes them or yells at them and they go to thier rooms and then i feel guilty so i stopped. I know i have to go,, but coming here has helped me until i can go again. I have two little ones (2 & 4) and thats why i cant just pick up and leave to go to some meetings. I dont like to have the boys watch them and besides he says i am a horrible mother if i leave them home but of course he can do so to go and drink in his car. But i understand your words and i am trying. I went to counceling last month because i was concerned with the older boys and I wanted to get us into some kind of therapy so i went to the H.S. and they suggested this counceling group. I am actively going to once a week meetings to help me to adjust and keep my anger in check. Lets keep our fingers crossed so that i dont allow these boys to grow up like him. Thanks for all your words and I wish u luck in your journey too.
Ok now You LIVEWEYERD...........I would never throw a skillet at someone who is giving an opinion to a question that I asked.......You are absolutely correct....I dont want this to be a role model for my boys (4 are boys and 1 is a girl)........That is why I decided to get help and look for it.......I know this is bad for them.........I am doing the best that I can........I talk to them and let them know what they should do to help and to be polite to people even if they dont like them.....just be polite......my AH is not polite to anyone that dont benefit him.......I see that now more than ever and I hate it......I want my boys to be loving and wonderful husbands and in this process I hope that that is what i acheive and even if i dont stay married but my boys RESPECT a WOMEN then I believe that is my reward and I will know I did what i needed to-to make them better men......It just gets real hard when he tells me that they are going to be juveniele deliquents if they have no father and that they wont know what a normal relationship is so i should just be nice to him and accept him and then everything will be back to normal.......NORMAL......HE IS OUT OF HIS MIND......NOTHING NORMAL HERE.......He believes that al-anon should teach me that he has a desease and that he cant help himself and that i should accept him the way he is....I know that is not the case its just real frustrating when he says this over and over and in front of the kids and then says I love you and want to make this work but all his actions is to sabatage our marriage. I thank you for being up front with me. I understand it all its just going to the next step i suppose......Your words comforting and i thank you and hope we all are saved from our hell we call our lives.
((((((((((((big hugs and especially a big thank you))))))))))))))
I will keep you informed because its a daily drama here but i will post when i can.............
good nite and thanks again
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
CC Hi and welcome--I'm the oldest of 5 children and my father was an AH. My
mother wasn't anything like you though--she had her addiction problems also.
The thing that always comes to mind about my childhood is never knowing when
the chaos and insanity would start and always hearing about "those five kids" in
the argument. My AF never wanted us but he used us like a tool against my Mother.
I know being aline with 5 kids to raise sounds beyond overwhelming but this home
life is very bad for them. I can tell by your writing that you are a loving and caring mother and you are concerned about what this is doing to them. I hope you find
a way to get help. Alanon-counseling--here. Please keep in touch--we are here and
we care. Smiles and prayers--Dee
mother wasn't anything like you though--she had her addiction problems also.
The thing that always comes to mind about my childhood is never knowing when
the chaos and insanity would start and always hearing about "those five kids" in
the argument. My AF never wanted us but he used us like a tool against my Mother.
I know being aline with 5 kids to raise sounds beyond overwhelming but this home
life is very bad for them. I can tell by your writing that you are a loving and caring mother and you are concerned about what this is doing to them. I hope you find
a way to get help. Alanon-counseling--here. Please keep in touch--we are here and
we care. Smiles and prayers--Dee
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