Aquiana

What a good day! Major sarcasm there... It started off okay. Then about 2:00 in the afternoon the Abf calls and tells me not to pick him up since he'll be late coming home from work and he's not very impressed. Something struck me as odd about the call. When I asked him why, he didn't really have an answer. So I called his work when I got home. Guess what? He hasn't been there since lunch time! So I called on our cell. I don't know why but I did. I knew what was going on, well almost. I knew he was in a lounge somewhere but this time it's even better. He was gambling there. It just keeps getting better and better. He says he won $300. I don't care! What I care about is that he wasn't at work today. I said you lied to me, he said big deal.

Okay I'm trying to calm down. I'm so angry I would like to tear him into strips. Thing is it's pointless and it's just a huge waste of my air. I know it and I've finally gotten to the point that I'm not going to yell myself blue when it's like banging my head against the wall. He asked if I was going to come and get him, I said no. I don't even want him here to tell the truth. I'm tempted to call him back and tell him to stay somewhere else. He's not going to scare me with threats of leaving anymore. I'll help him out the door. If he stays.... I'm biding my time till I'm strong enough to oust him for good.

So what am I doing for me today.... I'm going to have a nice hot bubble bath.

minnie

(((Aquiana)))

Sorry you're having a tough day, but I hope you really enjoyed your bath.

Take care

Love

Minnie
xxx

Aquiana

Thanks Minnie! My bath was great.

An update on the night... we almost broke up. I told him to get the heck out and I almost stuck to it. Almost isn't great but I actually held to it much longer than I have in the past. For that I am proud. Maybe next time, I'll hold out longer or maybe I won't give in again at all.

I wrote a little while ago about how I was stuck in the middle with him and it was terrible. I know he wasn't going to change and now I know I just have to decide what I want to do about it. Over the last few days I've realized that it isn't so bad after all. Sure it sucks to know that this is how it could be for the rest of my life, but realizing I don't have to stick around for it and that I in fact have the control here, ( I can leave!) really makes me feel better. He had no more control of my choices than I had of his. It was a very calm fight on my part. No explosions or hysterics because I finally got that it doesn't make a lick of difference. It just makes me feel like crap, he doesn't care. I don't want to play the blame game anymore. For a while I felt it was all his fault. It's not. He's an A and perhaps always will be. I know that and even when he denied it at the beginning there was a part of me that knew it. Nope it's not his fault I was miserable for a while. It was mine. He's being himself and nothing more. I know leaving him will hurt, but I also know I'll get over it. I'm not planning to do it right away but I'm gaining the strength. Letting go of the idea of changing him is actually bliss!

Gracey

It is such a good feeling to let go.................I felt like a weight was lifting off my shoulders...............I feel like I have let go a zillion times before, just to find that I really hadnt............

But this last time was different..........I feel different.............I look at things differently.........it is no longer us it is me and that step for me was huge................

Dee at Mt Bully

For me when I finally quit making it about us and started taking care of me it was
huge--like I have a life again. I haven't made any positive decissions about what to do
with my life but it feels great just to think about the possibilities. Even bigger I am
able to let him have his life--even if I think he's trashing his life I can let it be. Last
night I had dinner with him and it was fun--I had no expectations and so I enjoyed myself and we did not argue or pick at each other. It was OK. I even ask him if he was
dating--he laughed--said he should divorce me first--lol--sure--But the important
part is none of it upset me. Smiles--Dee