rara

Hi--fill in the blank above, please. This is long as usual, sorry! I recently posted about living with my AH who has isolated me, etc. and I have enough problems with that whole situation, so that this question may seem ridiculous. I haven't seen too many posts as far as I can tell about several of the AH's family members also being A's. I'm not sure what I am asking other than sharing experiences. Like I said, this problem is just icing on the cake but I cannot STAND it. AH's parents were both A's, pretty bad, and several of his siblings (large family)are also. When they get together at least a couple (usually AH and his brother, who helps run AH's business so treats him with deference) get pretty drunk, sometimes not so bad but still...

I am at the point where I am so disgusted with all of them that I am having a hard time not showing my feelings. Some of his family were here last night for the big football game. Some of them act like idiots while they watch the game and drink. All are in denial and since AH is the worst, I can't stand how they all band together and help him drink himself to death, pouring him scotches (several are not A's but seem unfazed and have a great time, like his brother's wife, and look at me like I am crazy). It's all I can do not to ask her why the &^*#% doesn't this bother her?? I know it probably does but she is as arrogant as the rest of them. Someone told me in a post that I am the sacrificial lamb in the family, which is true. Last night I just acted disgusted at times and I know it was noticed by a couple of people. I didn't care at the time. AH's brother was rude to me for a long time and now I guess he'll be rude again. :yelling I just can't believe how they all are in this drinking clique and all in denial and I feel like a frowning schoolteacher. I don't blame them for my AH but the drinking "culture" reminds me of my college days-- not adults in their 40's and 50's. Guess I needed to get this out, hope it's not too whiny.??? Just hate myself for acting and feeling like a judge.

Anyway, just wondering if anyone else experiences this? I feel like I did NOT detach last night, just acted mad and disgusted at times. Judgemental, I guess. Now I will be persona non grata for a while so that isn't going to help me. I know, what am I doing with this bunch. Last night I realized I don't know if I can act "normal" with them anymore, which has always been very hard anyway. BTW, AH is worried now about my having more of my own life, so I guess I feel (a little) less stressed about him and taking advantage, normally he'd be mad if I showed my true feelings to his family. Pathetic, I know. Shared experiences? Thanks!

SunDance

Rara,

I understand where you are coming from completely! My AH's dad is a total A himself and this is the only person my AH considers a true "friend" and he really looks up to him as his dad. They both have a relationship with Budweiser and his dad has been this way since my AH can remember. All of their other friends (I call them drinking cronies) are A's as well and it is like the good ol' boys drinking club where the word "alcoholic" is not spoken of nor acknowledged. I think that they find acceptance among themselves and no one will challenge them so they feel "safe" together. UGH!!! I know what you mean when you say you just start to feel disgusted with all of the people around and can't understand how their significant others just smile and go along with everything. I have been separated from my AH now for almost two months so I can say that I don't miss that sh** at all.

My AH went to his first AA meeting last week and is going to his second tonight. This is a big step for him and I am so proud of him. I have often thought how his dad will react to this when he finds out because it will force him to look at himself as well; something he has never had to do yet. I myself am in recovery and I too struggle with judgement. It is so hard when you are in a room full of people and the writing is on the wall in big red bold letters and you are the only one that notices it :hairout

Hang in there,

SunDance

osier59

Sometimes the family members can see the behavior in someone else and still be in denial about themselves. My BF has 22+ yrs sober, and his mom and brother & sis in law continued to drink like fish. They spent yrs and YRS talking about him and his fromer bad behavior, never seeing the changes he made as he walked and lived a program of recovery, but making fun of him that he can't drink anymore. The mom finally had alcohol induced seizures & a heart attack this past spring, and the brother was STILL in denial that it might have anything to do with alcohol. My BF insisted she go to treatment - due not only the seizures but multiple dui's, blackouts etc. She now has 9 months sober and is doing very well. Her other son still denies that she is/was an A and of course he doesnt think he is either. He's just mad that he's been deprived of a heavy drinking buddy in the family. He's had numerous DUI's and has been in court ordered rehab 3 times.

Some people just don't get it. Thank God that others do. All we can do is pray and set good boundaries for ourselves

hugs and love
Barb

rara

Hi Sundance,

Thank you for your reply. I can relate to everything you said. The drinking "buddies" are in their own club and no one else can get in. One of the reasons I wrote this post was because my A BIL, my AH's favorite drinking buddy, said to me the night they were all here__"What's the matter, you're not drinking???" This has been said so many times and I ignored it, and this time I snapped and said "NO, Im not!" I reduced myself to his level I guess, but do you just take it?? Rudeness will now ensue from a few of them. Anyway, it's funny because they don't understand that you don't want to join the club. And my BIL's wife (not an A) makes me just as mad because she will be really rude to me now. But judgement isn't good. I agree with you about acceptance among themselves and safety, and the big red letters. It makes me so angry, but also it is so sad.

That is wonderful news about your AH. I really hope he makes it! It is probably good that you are separated in a way because then you can see how it goes and make a decision at the right time. I admire your strength. Being around his Dad will be tough, but maybe he will also face himself. My friend has a husband who is a drug addict but has been clean one year. She worries when he is near his old buddies and wants to "control" him again, but I think he is OK, he is very motivated and happy being clean. One day at a time! I wish you the very best and will check here to see how you're doing.

rara

:rose

rara

Hi Barb,

Thanks for replying. I am beginning to realize from stories like yours that the denial is beyond belief. I think the denail is an illness unto itself! Not being an A, we can't understand it at all especially when they get sick like your BF's mother. Thank goodness she got sober and good for her.

I am also realizing more and more from Al Anon and other places (like here) that recovery is truly lifelong, like your BF, and bless him that he has remained sober so long while dealing with the other A's pressure. Imagine making fun of him, it is so sad! I am still a bit of a newbie in all of this and I now go to a counselor who knows all about addiction, and she tells me lately that I can't win in this family as a non-A no matter what I do to be nice, whatever. Sounds simple but I am only learning this in the last few months, so I myself am still in denial somewhat because I can't believe how completely devastating the disease really is, how it has affected so many things in my marriage that I never saw before, how pervasive it is on every level.

Your BF's brother sounds much like what I live with. The denial just gets deeper even when he sees his family get sober. My AH's brother died at 50 (before we met) from addiction, although he was sober at the time, and they all talk about how serious his problem was like they don't have one.

I wish you serenity and peace, which I hope you and your BF can have even while dealing with his family. It sounds like your BF is pretty solid.

rara