Is this a test of my recovery???
To Life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Is this a test of my recovery???
I just got a call from my brother. Geeezzzz, I felt so bad....I just wanted to hold him and comfort him....
He and his wife are divorcing. They have a son in the 2nd grade, who is the pride and joy of my brother. It is his only child.
My SIL is and has been having alcohol issues. I cannot say if she is an alcoholic or not; I do know that alcohol has created problems in her life. DUI, family problems, denial, blaming...you all know the list.
My brother just told me today that this has been a source of contention between them for years. He is done, now. He has done all the controling things; and far too much enabling. He is learning this now, by going to a counselor.
Most of this is all new to me. I knew they had problems, of course; every marriage does. I also knew she really liked her wine.
I didn't realize that it had come to this; to divorce.
My brother is devestated. I am taking him to an alanon meeting that I used to attend tomorrow. And, I am giving him my book, Codependent No More. (His therapist recomended a book called Enabler. I'm not familiar with it, but, the therapist said he is a classic enabler too - like me before I started my own recovery.)
He is worried about his house; about the things in his life; his friends; but, most of all, about his son.
The lawyer told him that the DWI was 2 years ago,, and that there is no other "proof" that she has problems drinking. He knows she drinks before she goes to work, and is worried about liability issues, as she is a health care provider. She works in private homes, with private patients. And, she still drinks while she is driving! With their son in the car!
So, right now, I am working at cross purposes....
I am trying to remain detached from his chaos. To live the steps that I have struggled, to some degree of success. To help him find the path to serenity again, during the chaos he is in.
And, at the same time, I am here asking for advice.
How do I best help him, without falling victim to my own codependent tendencies.
I love my brother very much. He helped me so much when I was in the debths of hell, due to my son's heroin addiction and my ex husbands gambling addiction; when my life was nothing but chaos, and I wanted to die.
I will be there for my brother; that is not in question at all.
I guess I just am asking if there are guidelines that you can suggest, so that I don't lose MY recovery while helping him find his own.
I am really a bit scared here, because his life is very much in chaos right now, and it sounds as if my SIL is using every tactic she can to make my brother pay. She is in total denial. (Even the DUI was not her fault, according to her!)
Thanks for listening; and thanks for any advice you might offer this codependent. :shysmile:
Shalom!
He and his wife are divorcing. They have a son in the 2nd grade, who is the pride and joy of my brother. It is his only child.
My SIL is and has been having alcohol issues. I cannot say if she is an alcoholic or not; I do know that alcohol has created problems in her life. DUI, family problems, denial, blaming...you all know the list.
My brother just told me today that this has been a source of contention between them for years. He is done, now. He has done all the controling things; and far too much enabling. He is learning this now, by going to a counselor.
Most of this is all new to me. I knew they had problems, of course; every marriage does. I also knew she really liked her wine.
I didn't realize that it had come to this; to divorce.
My brother is devestated. I am taking him to an alanon meeting that I used to attend tomorrow. And, I am giving him my book, Codependent No More. (His therapist recomended a book called Enabler. I'm not familiar with it, but, the therapist said he is a classic enabler too - like me before I started my own recovery.)
He is worried about his house; about the things in his life; his friends; but, most of all, about his son.
The lawyer told him that the DWI was 2 years ago,, and that there is no other "proof" that she has problems drinking. He knows she drinks before she goes to work, and is worried about liability issues, as she is a health care provider. She works in private homes, with private patients. And, she still drinks while she is driving! With their son in the car!
So, right now, I am working at cross purposes....
I am trying to remain detached from his chaos. To live the steps that I have struggled, to some degree of success. To help him find the path to serenity again, during the chaos he is in.
And, at the same time, I am here asking for advice.
How do I best help him, without falling victim to my own codependent tendencies.
I love my brother very much. He helped me so much when I was in the debths of hell, due to my son's heroin addiction and my ex husbands gambling addiction; when my life was nothing but chaos, and I wanted to die.
I will be there for my brother; that is not in question at all.
I guess I just am asking if there are guidelines that you can suggest, so that I don't lose MY recovery while helping him find his own.
I am really a bit scared here, because his life is very much in chaos right now, and it sounds as if my SIL is using every tactic she can to make my brother pay. She is in total denial. (Even the DUI was not her fault, according to her!)
Thanks for listening; and thanks for any advice you might offer this codependent. :shysmile:
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Teach
Undoubtedly it IS a test of your recovery. I am sorry to hear of the problems your brother is having. Al-anon is definitely a good idea, as is "co-dependent no more". But maybe all he needs now is a bit of your ESH. You've stood in his shoes, maybe not with an alcoholic husband, but any addiction is an escape from life and that is what causes many problems in relationships, imho. I take it he has some inkling as to your recovery?
It really is a similar situation to dealing with an addict - your brother will get help if he wants it. We can't force our recovery on to them - they have to find their own path. If I were in your shoes, I would be there for him if he needs you. You don't have to be his therapist, he has one of those. Or his lawyer, he has one of those. Or his sponsor, he can get one of those. Just be his sister.
If you find yourself doubting your motives, ask yourself the question - can he do this for himself? If so, let him.
Teach, you are a wise woman. You will do just fine. If you have a wobble, come back to us.
Love
Minnie
xxxx
Undoubtedly it IS a test of your recovery. I am sorry to hear of the problems your brother is having. Al-anon is definitely a good idea, as is "co-dependent no more". But maybe all he needs now is a bit of your ESH. You've stood in his shoes, maybe not with an alcoholic husband, but any addiction is an escape from life and that is what causes many problems in relationships, imho. I take it he has some inkling as to your recovery?
It really is a similar situation to dealing with an addict - your brother will get help if he wants it. We can't force our recovery on to them - they have to find their own path. If I were in your shoes, I would be there for him if he needs you. You don't have to be his therapist, he has one of those. Or his lawyer, he has one of those. Or his sponsor, he can get one of those. Just be his sister.
If you find yourself doubting your motives, ask yourself the question - can he do this for himself? If so, let him.
Teach, you are a wise woman. You will do just fine. If you have a wobble, come back to us.
Love
Minnie
xxxx
To Life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Minnie;
Thanks so much for the words of wisdom. And yes, my brother does know what I have been through and that I went to a counselor and to meetings. And that is why he called me today.
This, I think, is priceless advice:
"If you find yourseld doubting your motives, ask yourself the question - can he do this for himself? If so, let him."
Thanks for sharing it. Sometimes, I forget the simplist of things when I am in that emotional state. When I'm wobbling, as you say.
See, my brother is a very strong, self sufficient man. So, when he called to talk, I knew it was serious. And he came right out and asked for any advice I had; spilling his guts out to me.
This is NOT normal for him; I felt every bit of his pain, if that is possible! And I will be his sister. And I will continually ask that question to myself.
And I will come back....I know the folks here have much to offer.
Thank you!
Shalom!
Thanks so much for the words of wisdom. And yes, my brother does know what I have been through and that I went to a counselor and to meetings. And that is why he called me today.
This, I think, is priceless advice:
"If you find yourseld doubting your motives, ask yourself the question - can he do this for himself? If so, let him."
Thanks for sharing it. Sometimes, I forget the simplist of things when I am in that emotional state. When I'm wobbling, as you say.
See, my brother is a very strong, self sufficient man. So, when he called to talk, I knew it was serious. And he came right out and asked for any advice I had; spilling his guts out to me.
This is NOT normal for him; I felt every bit of his pain, if that is possible! And I will be his sister. And I will continually ask that question to myself.
And I will come back....I know the folks here have much to offer.
Thank you!
Shalom!
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
I stopped believing a while ago that my HP tests me.
Now my belief is that He/She/It gives me situations as if to say, "Now do you see how much strength you really have? You will get through this, too!"
My HP is bigger and more powerful than anything this disease can throw at me (us, actually).
Now my belief is that He/She/It gives me situations as if to say, "Now do you see how much strength you really have? You will get through this, too!"
My HP is bigger and more powerful than anything this disease can throw at me (us, actually).
To Life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
nocell, I hear you.....
and I keep coming back to this old joke,
"I know my HP won't give me anything that I can't handle,
I just wish I wasn't trusted so much!"
I have struggled so long, and so hard....and I KNOW we all have....
Well, I just know that I have to take care of myself....
and I do not mean that in a selfish way....or, if it is selfish, it is the good type of selfishness....
I'm very grateful for the recovery I have made thus far. Five years ago, I was a different person. But, I'm very aware of my need to let go and take it one day at a time. Aware of the fragility of my recovery.
Because, while I just learned of this, my own son; my only child; a heroin addict, was recently arrested; he will be sentenced Tuesday and very well may get 5 years for violation of probation. His father just called and asked me to put money into son's jail bank account; so he can be comfortable in jail!
I'm struggling with my own codependency issues already. This is in addition.
So, I reach out.
Because, I'm sorry, but, I don't know that I have that much strength. And I know that the folks on SR will guide me when I need it.
Thanks for sharing; maybe one day, I'll be where you are....
Shalom!
and I keep coming back to this old joke,
"I know my HP won't give me anything that I can't handle,
I just wish I wasn't trusted so much!"
I have struggled so long, and so hard....and I KNOW we all have....
Well, I just know that I have to take care of myself....
and I do not mean that in a selfish way....or, if it is selfish, it is the good type of selfishness....
I'm very grateful for the recovery I have made thus far. Five years ago, I was a different person. But, I'm very aware of my need to let go and take it one day at a time. Aware of the fragility of my recovery.
Because, while I just learned of this, my own son; my only child; a heroin addict, was recently arrested; he will be sentenced Tuesday and very well may get 5 years for violation of probation. His father just called and asked me to put money into son's jail bank account; so he can be comfortable in jail!
I'm struggling with my own codependency issues already. This is in addition.
So, I reach out.
Because, I'm sorry, but, I don't know that I have that much strength. And I know that the folks on SR will guide me when I need it.
Thanks for sharing; maybe one day, I'll be where you are....
Shalom!
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