Need advice - detachment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 1
Need advice - detachment
Hi. I'm new here and I need advice. My husband of five years is an alcoholic in denial and I just started going to Al-Anon about two months ago. I'm confused about the detachment that Al-Anon talks about in it's 12-steps.
I don't understand detaching and need advice. I mean, I understand the theory, but practicing it is another story. I feel that if I don't ask him to NOT drink then it's like saying, "go ahead and do it." It's like giving him the green light. If I don't ask him not to, he certainly will drink and won't think anything of it.
When he comes home after drinking, even though he knows it bothers me, what do I do? Ignore the fact that he's done it and concentrate on me, or do I say something?
Help!
I don't understand detaching and need advice. I mean, I understand the theory, but practicing it is another story. I feel that if I don't ask him to NOT drink then it's like saying, "go ahead and do it." It's like giving him the green light. If I don't ask him not to, he certainly will drink and won't think anything of it.
When he comes home after drinking, even though he knows it bothers me, what do I do? Ignore the fact that he's done it and concentrate on me, or do I say something?
Help!
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: myrtle beach south carolina
Posts: 4
I just stumbled upon this group,and I am so glad I have for I'm hoping to learn how to deel w/ my dh who is an A,
I found this post asking about detachment, To put it plain and simple,my prob. is how to react when my dh comes home from a night of drinking . I am very upset when he does this,but am I supposed to pretend it doesn't bother me,?sleep on the couch?leave him?just tell him how I feel,and not react in any other way?the simplest thing to do seems to not react just go to bed,but does he not need to see the efect this is having on me?
based on the principles of alanon,how should I react to his,?
I would grately apricite a responce,a I'm sure this other lady would have a year ago,thank you
I found this post asking about detachment, To put it plain and simple,my prob. is how to react when my dh comes home from a night of drinking . I am very upset when he does this,but am I supposed to pretend it doesn't bother me,?sleep on the couch?leave him?just tell him how I feel,and not react in any other way?the simplest thing to do seems to not react just go to bed,but does he not need to see the efect this is having on me?
based on the principles of alanon,how should I react to his,?
I would grately apricite a responce,a I'm sure this other lady would have a year ago,thank you
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hello and welcome rrtcn and momma2ikid !
I have only been in the program 14 mths. and can only say
what detaching has been like for me, in my case it is my daughter
who is the A.
I used to cry, yell, preach, follow etc etc...
and all it did was make me crazier, she drank because thats what
they do. Today, (and one day at a time) I trust God with her life and back off to center on my own recovery. I am sad for her and love her with all my heart but there is nothing I can do nothing I havent tried and so I again come to believe step one, I am powerless over alcohol my life has become unmanagable.
Detachment for me is being loving and yet letting go of what I cannot change.
We are not giving anyone a green light to drink, we are merely concentrating on ourselves, someone we do have some control over and can change !
My daughter has enough guilt over her actions why should I add to that ? Detaching is a process and I can only do it little by little, it doesnt seem to be a one time thing.
Keep coming back,we care and learn from one another
Hugs
liddy
I have only been in the program 14 mths. and can only say
what detaching has been like for me, in my case it is my daughter
who is the A.
I used to cry, yell, preach, follow etc etc...
and all it did was make me crazier, she drank because thats what
they do. Today, (and one day at a time) I trust God with her life and back off to center on my own recovery. I am sad for her and love her with all my heart but there is nothing I can do nothing I havent tried and so I again come to believe step one, I am powerless over alcohol my life has become unmanagable.
Detachment for me is being loving and yet letting go of what I cannot change.
We are not giving anyone a green light to drink, we are merely concentrating on ourselves, someone we do have some control over and can change !
My daughter has enough guilt over her actions why should I add to that ? Detaching is a process and I can only do it little by little, it doesnt seem to be a one time thing.
Keep coming back,we care and learn from one another
Hugs
liddy
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Originally posted by momma21kid
To put it plain and simple,my prob. is how to react when my dh comes home from a night of drinking . I am very upset when he does this,but am I supposed to pretend it doesn't bother me?
To put it plain and simple,my prob. is how to react when my dh comes home from a night of drinking . I am very upset when he does this,but am I supposed to pretend it doesn't bother me?
I think the point you need to get to is sincerely not caring whether he's drunk or not. After all, there's nothing you can to stop it. You didn't cause it. It really has nothing to do with you. As much as it feels like he's doing it to make your life miserable, he's not. He's self-destructing.
How do you not care? By stop expecting him to be a responsible adult. Stop expecting him to be on time, to be emotionally available to you. Get your needs met somewhere else (and I don't mean have an affair). Spend time with friends and other people who love you. Other people who are capable of loving you in a healthy way.
Deep down, their drinking bothers us because we think it interferes with them giving us what we need. Stop needing them. Trying to get water from an empty well will only frustrate you.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Hello Confused
Detaching can go both ways.
I believe that detachment with love can only be done by living in seprate places. Totally get away. This gives each the time to heal and work on yourselves. Only than can you have a chance of getting back together in a healthier way and that is not for sure. Sometimes it does work out for the good.
Now you can detach with love by staying in this abusive relationship and suffer. Meaning that no matter how much you practice detachment it will still get to you. It also means putting up with the abuse, that makes the abuser loose total respect for you.
Detaching would mean, you are there but you can detach and avoid getting upset by either leaving or not to say anything.
If you choose to live such a life that is your choice.
I left! I am so glad I did! It is hard especialy loving the man you with but believe me it is much harder to stay in such a horribe abuse, especially if there are children involved.
If you do not have children for God sake, don;t have them with an A. These children suffer the rest of their lives I don;t care who says or thinks different.
So you see it is all about your choice and you have choices.
I suggest that you join CODA. That is what YOU need more so than Alanon. If you can work both that is great. In CODA you will learn to love yourself enough to not allow such abuse.
Good luck in your long journey.
Huggs
I believe that detachment with love can only be done by living in seprate places. Totally get away. This gives each the time to heal and work on yourselves. Only than can you have a chance of getting back together in a healthier way and that is not for sure. Sometimes it does work out for the good.
Now you can detach with love by staying in this abusive relationship and suffer. Meaning that no matter how much you practice detachment it will still get to you. It also means putting up with the abuse, that makes the abuser loose total respect for you.
Detaching would mean, you are there but you can detach and avoid getting upset by either leaving or not to say anything.
If you choose to live such a life that is your choice.
I left! I am so glad I did! It is hard especialy loving the man you with but believe me it is much harder to stay in such a horribe abuse, especially if there are children involved.
If you do not have children for God sake, don;t have them with an A. These children suffer the rest of their lives I don;t care who says or thinks different.
So you see it is all about your choice and you have choices.
I suggest that you join CODA. That is what YOU need more so than Alanon. If you can work both that is great. In CODA you will learn to love yourself enough to not allow such abuse.
Good luck in your long journey.
Huggs
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Prettywoman...that was rude! I am sorry but your opinions are just that...your opinions! DO NOT advise people to leave! You are not in a position to know the entire story and you are also waffling yourself. Have you attended both Alanon and CoDa? If so what exactly is the difference?
Anyway about detachment...the sad truth is that many of us have learned that we cannot change another person. The only person we can change is ourselves. Strangely enough if nothing changes, nothing changes and it was my experience that the change in me brought about change in my relationships.
A big part of it is allowing the alcoholic to suffer the consequences of their own actions. If we yell and make a scene...guess who gets blamed? If we don't, then they are forced to look at themselves.
It is not easy but taking a step back and watching instead of stepping in can be a real learning experience.
Hugs,
JT
Anyway about detachment...the sad truth is that many of us have learned that we cannot change another person. The only person we can change is ourselves. Strangely enough if nothing changes, nothing changes and it was my experience that the change in me brought about change in my relationships.
A big part of it is allowing the alcoholic to suffer the consequences of their own actions. If we yell and make a scene...guess who gets blamed? If we don't, then they are forced to look at themselves.
It is not easy but taking a step back and watching instead of stepping in can be a real learning experience.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Mamma21 -
Glad that you found us. Liddy and Just Tired gave you some great advice. Have you gone to an Alanon meeting yet? It really helps to be able to listen to people who have been where you are now. I'm pretty new to this as well and have found that I look forward to visiting every day and really do feel better about my situation and myself since I started.
Pretty Woman - Who elected you the SoberRecovery enforcer? How do you know that she needs CODA more than Alanon or are you suggesting that we all need CODA more than Alanon? Also, isn't respect for yourself alot more important than respect from an abuser? I would be interested to know if you are a child of an alcoholic since your views on this subject are so strong.
Eyes Open - If you stop needing someone why would you want to stay with them? The day I quit loving and needing my husband is the day that I leave him. Can you ever get to the point where you really don't care if they are drinking and still love them? Maybe I don't really get what detachment truly is.
Mamma21, as you can see, there are different opinions and feelings on this board. Take what you want and leave the rest! Do keep coming back. It really does help.
Hugs, Jo
Glad that you found us. Liddy and Just Tired gave you some great advice. Have you gone to an Alanon meeting yet? It really helps to be able to listen to people who have been where you are now. I'm pretty new to this as well and have found that I look forward to visiting every day and really do feel better about my situation and myself since I started.
Pretty Woman - Who elected you the SoberRecovery enforcer? How do you know that she needs CODA more than Alanon or are you suggesting that we all need CODA more than Alanon? Also, isn't respect for yourself alot more important than respect from an abuser? I would be interested to know if you are a child of an alcoholic since your views on this subject are so strong.
Eyes Open - If you stop needing someone why would you want to stay with them? The day I quit loving and needing my husband is the day that I leave him. Can you ever get to the point where you really don't care if they are drinking and still love them? Maybe I don't really get what detachment truly is.
Mamma21, as you can see, there are different opinions and feelings on this board. Take what you want and leave the rest! Do keep coming back. It really does help.
Hugs, Jo
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Originally posted by jojo
If you stop needing someone why would you want to stay with them?
If you stop needing someone why would you want to stay with them?
Needing someone isn't ever a good reason to be in a relationship. The reason to be in a relationship is because they are meeting your needs, they are giving back to you.
When you have a relationship where both sides are needing and giving, then there is an emotional bond. Another way of saying emotional bond is to say that the two people have an attachment to each other.
The difficulty with alcoholic relationships is that we tend to overlook the fact that our needs aren't being met. We give them credit for giving us more than they actually are. We accept crumbs. We deny that things are as bad as they are, we make excuses, we hope that maybe next week things will get better.
We attempt to maintain a bond, an attachment to them. But, it doesn't work, because they're not keeping up their end of the bargain.
The question on this post is about detachment though. Detachment is the opposite of attachment.
So, if being attached to someone means that you share an emotional bond, then being detached must mean that there is little or no emotional bond. True?
In my case, I noticed that so long as I kept thinking that he'd eventually meet my needs, I was attached to him emotionally. Me waiting and waiting for better times, waiting for him to give me something (attachment to him) was causing me pain.
As far as love is concerned, I still and always will love the alcoholic in my life. I care about his well-being. I care that he is drinking. I hope that he finds God and sobriety one day.
But, for my own good, I had to let go of my expectations. I had to stop waiting to get anything from him. I had to detach.
Guess maybe I beat a dead horse there..... but that's how I see things.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Whew...!
(clearing my throat)
Detaching doesn't mean shutting up about the way you feel. It means changing the way you feel. You change the way you feel by changing your beliefs. You change your beliefs by getting information and getting real. For most of us, detaching is a little by little process.
If you're keeping your mouth shut... who are you doing it for? The user? Because you don't want to upset his recovery (or make him worse)? BZZZZZZZ. That's not detaching. That's another attempt at control. Very well intentioned, but still control. For you? Because you're getting laryngitis and you're tired of seeing brick imprints on your forehead? Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner. That's detaching. You're not abandoning them. You're simply giving up the idea that your pushing, shoving, pleading, cajoling or displaying your wounds is going to be the thing that makes them see the error of their ways.
Where you live isn't the answer to detachment. It is possible to live hundreds of miles away from the user in question and still be very much attached to their problem. (I'm talking about me.) It's also possible to live in the same house, be affectionate and involved in other aspects of their life and detach yourself from their using. It is sometimes not, however, possible to remove yourself from some of the consequences of their using (like having the police or undesirable people at your home, not having money for the rent, violent behavior or... that smell). Whether or not you want to live with those things is a decision to make. Setting limits for yourself is what we call establishing a boundary. If your boundary is that you don't care to live with someone who comes home drunk, and you leave... that's healthy. But it's not detaching. It's departing.
You may be able to measure your level of detachment by how mad it makes you , though.
Hugs,
Smoke
(clearing my throat)
Detaching doesn't mean shutting up about the way you feel. It means changing the way you feel. You change the way you feel by changing your beliefs. You change your beliefs by getting information and getting real. For most of us, detaching is a little by little process.
If you're keeping your mouth shut... who are you doing it for? The user? Because you don't want to upset his recovery (or make him worse)? BZZZZZZZ. That's not detaching. That's another attempt at control. Very well intentioned, but still control. For you? Because you're getting laryngitis and you're tired of seeing brick imprints on your forehead? Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner. That's detaching. You're not abandoning them. You're simply giving up the idea that your pushing, shoving, pleading, cajoling or displaying your wounds is going to be the thing that makes them see the error of their ways.
Where you live isn't the answer to detachment. It is possible to live hundreds of miles away from the user in question and still be very much attached to their problem. (I'm talking about me.) It's also possible to live in the same house, be affectionate and involved in other aspects of their life and detach yourself from their using. It is sometimes not, however, possible to remove yourself from some of the consequences of their using (like having the police or undesirable people at your home, not having money for the rent, violent behavior or... that smell). Whether or not you want to live with those things is a decision to make. Setting limits for yourself is what we call establishing a boundary. If your boundary is that you don't care to live with someone who comes home drunk, and you leave... that's healthy. But it's not detaching. It's departing.
You may be able to measure your level of detachment by how mad it makes you , though. Hugs,
Smoke
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: myrtle beach south carolina
Posts: 4
Thank you,Thank you,so much for responding.
I have been married for 12yrs,he has been an A for all his life,since a young teen anyway,he was in rehab befor I met him,we were both young when we met,I fell in love with him befor I even realized he was really an A,I just thought he was a party guy,he loved me I loved him,thats all that mattered.
Little did I know all the bs in store,but I still love him,and him me,I told him yesterday,I was going to start going to alanon,he asked why,I said because your an A and I need help to learn howto deel with that,explained a little bit more,then he said,well I really dont want to discuss this right now.
My biggest problem is that he just disapears to go get drunk,comes home in the middle of the night an the next day his only excuse is, he got drunk.This happens usually a couple times a week,it drives me mad everytime.
I know where hes at,and I know hes not cheating,I dont want to leave,fight or kick him out,but I'm afraid he wont stop unless I do,and then he still wont stop for long,it truely is maddening.
And I haven't learned to let it not bother me in 12 yrs,so I don't think I can
Anyways,thanks for listening,letting me vent,
I have been married for 12yrs,he has been an A for all his life,since a young teen anyway,he was in rehab befor I met him,we were both young when we met,I fell in love with him befor I even realized he was really an A,I just thought he was a party guy,he loved me I loved him,thats all that mattered.
Little did I know all the bs in store,but I still love him,and him me,I told him yesterday,I was going to start going to alanon,he asked why,I said because your an A and I need help to learn howto deel with that,explained a little bit more,then he said,well I really dont want to discuss this right now.
My biggest problem is that he just disapears to go get drunk,comes home in the middle of the night an the next day his only excuse is, he got drunk.This happens usually a couple times a week,it drives me mad everytime.
I know where hes at,and I know hes not cheating,I dont want to leave,fight or kick him out,but I'm afraid he wont stop unless I do,and then he still wont stop for long,it truely is maddening.
And I haven't learned to let it not bother me in 12 yrs,so I don't think I can
Anyways,thanks for listening,letting me vent,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi momma.
If you don't want to leave, fight or kick him out... then don't. None of those things would make him stop drinking. If there is more good in this relationship than difficulty because of the alcohol, that's your call. Only you know what compromises are right for you.
Be sure to tell us about your first meeting!
Hugs,
Smoke
If you don't want to leave, fight or kick him out... then don't. None of those things would make him stop drinking. If there is more good in this relationship than difficulty because of the alcohol, that's your call. Only you know what compromises are right for you.
Be sure to tell us about your first meeting!
Hugs,
Smoke
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