Do I Or Don't I
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
Do I Or Don't I
[My AH and I have not seen each other since the last week of Dec. He works away from home alot in his profession.
Just to recap I found out on New Years that he had been drinking again and have not had much to do with him since.
Befor I found out I had gone up to stay with him a couple of times and I had made sure that he had all the things he needed. I also cooked his dinner, washed his clothes, cleaned the house he is living in. I was trying to make it easier for him to be away from home. He says he hates being away from us.
My AH does this for himself and he is a very clean person, helps out around here and does his part. He has always taken care of the family financially with little or no complaining. So what is the big delima you ask?
I have Kept in touch with my AH by phone although I do not say much and he knows why. Last night he was very frustrated with his job and rightly so. He is trying to get a job done with equipment from 1942 that keeps breaking down and then his boss does not understand why not much is getting accomplished.
I heard the frustration and anger in his voice and all I could manage to say was " I could be there to help take the pressure off if you had not been doing what you were doing so I can't help you." Wow was that selfish!!!
I feel as though I should do my part as his wife. Cook him a meal, do the house chores, be there when he gets home. We probably would still not have much to say to each other that does not involve his drinking. He did schedual an appointment to be evaluated so he is taking at least that much responsibility even if he does not think there is a problem. He has said that he has not had a drink since the incident, and I have no proof that he is lying.
I am just wondering if I should stay away or if this is counter productive in putting our relationship back together?
I did tell him over the past few weeks that I would not come up there and after he got angry with me I explained to him not enery thing is about him and what he wants, this is about me. What I want not him. I was not going to give him what he wants as he did not reciprocate.
Now I am feeling guilty for not appreciating that he does work hard and makes sure that we have a comfortable life.
Shouldn't I do the same for him? I have heard and read about detachment with love. Does this mean let him suffer in areas where the problem does not factor in? I am a traditional wife and I feel as though I am not doing my part to keep the marriage together . And no I don't mean condoning his drinking.
Z
Just to recap I found out on New Years that he had been drinking again and have not had much to do with him since.
Befor I found out I had gone up to stay with him a couple of times and I had made sure that he had all the things he needed. I also cooked his dinner, washed his clothes, cleaned the house he is living in. I was trying to make it easier for him to be away from home. He says he hates being away from us.
My AH does this for himself and he is a very clean person, helps out around here and does his part. He has always taken care of the family financially with little or no complaining. So what is the big delima you ask?
I have Kept in touch with my AH by phone although I do not say much and he knows why. Last night he was very frustrated with his job and rightly so. He is trying to get a job done with equipment from 1942 that keeps breaking down and then his boss does not understand why not much is getting accomplished.
I heard the frustration and anger in his voice and all I could manage to say was " I could be there to help take the pressure off if you had not been doing what you were doing so I can't help you." Wow was that selfish!!!
I feel as though I should do my part as his wife. Cook him a meal, do the house chores, be there when he gets home. We probably would still not have much to say to each other that does not involve his drinking. He did schedual an appointment to be evaluated so he is taking at least that much responsibility even if he does not think there is a problem. He has said that he has not had a drink since the incident, and I have no proof that he is lying.
I am just wondering if I should stay away or if this is counter productive in putting our relationship back together?
I did tell him over the past few weeks that I would not come up there and after he got angry with me I explained to him not enery thing is about him and what he wants, this is about me. What I want not him. I was not going to give him what he wants as he did not reciprocate.
Now I am feeling guilty for not appreciating that he does work hard and makes sure that we have a comfortable life.
Shouldn't I do the same for him? I have heard and read about detachment with love. Does this mean let him suffer in areas where the problem does not factor in? I am a traditional wife and I feel as though I am not doing my part to keep the marriage together . And no I don't mean condoning his drinking.
Z
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Why was what you said selfish?
There is a difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself.
It sounds like you have a boundary in place.
You don't want to be around him when he's drinking.
That's fair.
It's up to him to respect it or not.
None of this means you aren't doing what you can to make your marriage work.
It means you are letting him know what your needs are in terms of the relationship.
There is a difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself.
It sounds like you have a boundary in place.
You don't want to be around him when he's drinking.
That's fair.
It's up to him to respect it or not.
None of this means you aren't doing what you can to make your marriage work.
It means you are letting him know what your needs are in terms of the relationship.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
My AH has not come home smelling like alcohol or drunk in about 2 years. He does not drink at home or when I am with him. He drinks when he is away and I have no way of knowing how much. At this point any drinking sets me off because of the past.
I felt that what I said was selfish because I see him struggle with his work and I feel that as his wife I should be there to fulfill my obligations to the vows I took 15 years ago.
To love, honor, and cherish. In sickness and health. He has not always held up his end but does that mean I should not hold up mine?
Is punishment really going to help the situation or is that an enableing action?
Yes I have set a boundary and that will be kept. He will know that I am there out of obligation and not because he is being rewarded for good behavior.
I felt that what I said was selfish because I see him struggle with his work and I feel that as his wife I should be there to fulfill my obligations to the vows I took 15 years ago.
To love, honor, and cherish. In sickness and health. He has not always held up his end but does that mean I should not hold up mine?
Is punishment really going to help the situation or is that an enableing action?
Yes I have set a boundary and that will be kept. He will know that I am there out of obligation and not because he is being rewarded for good behavior.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
If your boudary is no drinking around you, he's holding up his end of the bargain.
That being said, if you know he drinks when he is away, and he asks you to join him, I don't think you should feel guilty about saying no to that.
That's not punishing him.
That's respecting your boundary.
That being said, if you know he drinks when he is away, and he asks you to join him, I don't think you should feel guilty about saying no to that.
That's not punishing him.
That's respecting your boundary.
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
If he was honest enough to say I understand you do not want me to drink around
you and I won't maybe that would open the door for you to be more help to him. Personally I don't think you are being unfair by not cleaning and cooking while he's away. If you are looking for away to spend more time with him and see where your
marriage is then as I said you could establish your boundrys and if he agrees to them then you could give it a try. There is nothing wrong with wanting to work on your marriage. Smiles---Dee
you and I won't maybe that would open the door for you to be more help to him. Personally I don't think you are being unfair by not cleaning and cooking while he's away. If you are looking for away to spend more time with him and see where your
marriage is then as I said you could establish your boundrys and if he agrees to them then you could give it a try. There is nothing wrong with wanting to work on your marriage. Smiles---Dee
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
The boundary is NO DRINKING!!!!
The question is: If I go am I helping the sobriety or am I sending the message that he got away with it?
If I don't go am I setting us both up for a big fall?
I am trying to do the right thing for both of us and our relationship. I want to go because I love him and can feel the frustration that may lead him to the little brown bottle instead of his family. I know that this is his choice no matter what but will I be pushing him to do something he is trying not to do?
Will he give up on us?
I don't understand the alcoholic mind so this is very confusing.
I in no way want to do something that will hinder any progress that may have been made either by him or me.
The question is: If I go am I helping the sobriety or am I sending the message that he got away with it?
If I don't go am I setting us both up for a big fall?
I am trying to do the right thing for both of us and our relationship. I want to go because I love him and can feel the frustration that may lead him to the little brown bottle instead of his family. I know that this is his choice no matter what but will I be pushing him to do something he is trying not to do?
Will he give up on us?
I don't understand the alcoholic mind so this is very confusing.
I in no way want to do something that will hinder any progress that may have been made either by him or me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Zoe,
No one understands the alcoholic mind.
Not even the alcoholic.
You have a boundary.
No drinking around you.
You sound pretty sure that he drinks when he is away from home.
If you go, you violate your boundary...the way I see it.
You being there isn't going to fix his frustration with work or keep him from drinking.
He has to decide that drinking isn't the answer to whatever frustrates him.
It's not about whether or not you are there.
It's about whether or not he wants to lead a sober life.
Gabe
No one understands the alcoholic mind.
Not even the alcoholic.
You have a boundary.
No drinking around you.
You sound pretty sure that he drinks when he is away from home.
If you go, you violate your boundary...the way I see it.
You being there isn't going to fix his frustration with work or keep him from drinking.
He has to decide that drinking isn't the answer to whatever frustrates him.
It's not about whether or not you are there.
It's about whether or not he wants to lead a sober life.
Gabe
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
Thank you both for your insight.
Just to be clear on my boundaries, I will not accept drinking period. either while with me or away from me. I had my suspicions but from what I have learned I am not supposed to reprimand or acknowledge or force the addict to face up to their addiction.
Please do not say again that my boundaries are not to drink around me.
NO DRINKING, PERIOD,ZIP,ZILCH,NADDA.
Any way for now I am staying put. I will not go to him.
Just to be clear on my boundaries, I will not accept drinking period. either while with me or away from me. I had my suspicions but from what I have learned I am not supposed to reprimand or acknowledge or force the addict to face up to their addiction.
Please do not say again that my boundaries are not to drink around me.
NO DRINKING, PERIOD,ZIP,ZILCH,NADDA.
Any way for now I am staying put. I will not go to him.
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Zoe --sounds like you answered your own question--that's good--sometimes that's how it works here--we just read what other people say and put it together with our
own thoughts and in all that fog we find an answer. Good for you--I hope you find
some peace with your decission.--Smiles--Dee
own thoughts and in all that fog we find an answer. Good for you--I hope you find
some peace with your decission.--Smiles--Dee
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