Introduction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Raleigh-Cary-Garner, NC
Posts: 26
Introduction
Good morning!
My name is Jon (aka NCSilverBear). I am a 56 year old, gay male, in a committed relationship and also a recovered alcoholic (DOS is 9/9/82).
My purpose for joining this group is to add some support to my network. I attend AA regularaly and am OK in that "departement". I joined Alanon about a year after I got sober because of some control issues I was having at the time
at the suggestion of some great old-timers. It worked for me.
Subsequently, I got "into the field" . . . I'm a therapist with a speciality in dual diagnosis (folks who have severe mental disorders and also are addicted to drugs and alcohol), working on a specialized team in an outpatient clinic.
Alanon principals help me stay focused on my work, without getting caught up in the manipulation of the people I work with. It's been essential in my path (and my "grand-sponsor" . . . also in the field for 35 years before me . . . recommended it) to keep my "job" seperated from my "recovery" in order to stay sane and sober. I walk a thin line sometimes, but, in my mind, there has always been a clear distinction. Alanon helped me with that.
Alanon also helped me when I got into a relationship sober. In fact Alanon saved my butt more than once, and particularly when I went through a catatonic depression after breaking up with my then partner who would not stop using and abusing.
A few years after that, I met another man, we fell in love and became partners. He was HIV+ and died from complications of that infection about 9 years ago. Since then, I have been single, learning how to live alone, but, happy and free and enjoying my newfound relationship with myself.
In January, I met a man on AOL in a chat room. We began dating and since then, he has moved in here with me as my partner. Now, I have to say that I remain completely surprised and astounded that at this stage in my life, I was completely NOT looking for a relationship to happen. I was contented, happy, and having a good time just dating occasionally, while coming home to my cats, my barn (I live in a small cozy converted barn), doing my job . . . etc. No relationship incomberances. For the first time in my life, I wasn't looking for another man to "complete" me, to fill in the black hole (NO pun<G>), to pick up the slack.
But, it seems HP had other plans. And I'm snaggled.
Anyway, guess what. He's got a problem with alcohol!!!! Duh!!! I laughed at myself with my AA sponsor and my therapist (keep her around once a month for "check-ups"). And I find myself compeltely overwhelmed and losing my serenity and my sanity. Not a thought about taking a drink/drug. But, many thoughts about what to do "to" him to "fix" him. None of which will work!
I'd stopped going to Alanon meetings about 8 years ago. Guess what!
My sponsor "strongly suggested" (can we say "ordered" ) me back to Alanon. So, I started back and with great gratitude I can say that it was indeed the thing to do to get me back up in the sadle again and riding somewhat smoothly through some trecherous woods.
And that is it for now. I'm late for work, but, I wanted to let you know I'm here (back?) and that I'll be using you-all (alanon) to keep me on track and focused on me and my behaviour, not him and his.
Hugs . . . huge hugs.
PS the name of my "home group" is Buterflies !!!
('scuse the spelling . . . didn't have time to spell check)
Jon
My name is Jon (aka NCSilverBear). I am a 56 year old, gay male, in a committed relationship and also a recovered alcoholic (DOS is 9/9/82).
My purpose for joining this group is to add some support to my network. I attend AA regularaly and am OK in that "departement". I joined Alanon about a year after I got sober because of some control issues I was having at the time
at the suggestion of some great old-timers. It worked for me.Subsequently, I got "into the field" . . . I'm a therapist with a speciality in dual diagnosis (folks who have severe mental disorders and also are addicted to drugs and alcohol), working on a specialized team in an outpatient clinic.
Alanon principals help me stay focused on my work, without getting caught up in the manipulation of the people I work with. It's been essential in my path (and my "grand-sponsor" . . . also in the field for 35 years before me . . . recommended it) to keep my "job" seperated from my "recovery" in order to stay sane and sober. I walk a thin line sometimes, but, in my mind, there has always been a clear distinction. Alanon helped me with that.
Alanon also helped me when I got into a relationship sober. In fact Alanon saved my butt more than once, and particularly when I went through a catatonic depression after breaking up with my then partner who would not stop using and abusing.
A few years after that, I met another man, we fell in love and became partners. He was HIV+ and died from complications of that infection about 9 years ago. Since then, I have been single, learning how to live alone, but, happy and free and enjoying my newfound relationship with myself.
In January, I met a man on AOL in a chat room. We began dating and since then, he has moved in here with me as my partner. Now, I have to say that I remain completely surprised and astounded that at this stage in my life, I was completely NOT looking for a relationship to happen. I was contented, happy, and having a good time just dating occasionally, while coming home to my cats, my barn (I live in a small cozy converted barn), doing my job . . . etc. No relationship incomberances. For the first time in my life, I wasn't looking for another man to "complete" me, to fill in the black hole (NO pun<G>), to pick up the slack.
But, it seems HP had other plans. And I'm snaggled.
Anyway, guess what. He's got a problem with alcohol!!!! Duh!!! I laughed at myself with my AA sponsor and my therapist (keep her around once a month for "check-ups"). And I find myself compeltely overwhelmed and losing my serenity and my sanity. Not a thought about taking a drink/drug. But, many thoughts about what to do "to" him to "fix" him. None of which will work!
I'd stopped going to Alanon meetings about 8 years ago. Guess what!
My sponsor "strongly suggested" (can we say "ordered" ) me back to Alanon. So, I started back and with great gratitude I can say that it was indeed the thing to do to get me back up in the sadle again and riding somewhat smoothly through some trecherous woods.And that is it for now. I'm late for work, but, I wanted to let you know I'm here (back?) and that I'll be using you-all (alanon) to keep me on track and focused on me and my behaviour, not him and his.
Hugs . . . huge hugs.
PS the name of my "home group" is Buterflies !!!
('scuse the spelling . . . didn't have time to spell check)
Jon
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Welcome Jon! This is a great group of people and they have been so helpful to my recovery so far. They are so kind and insightful and the laughs you are in for will knock your socks off!
I also live in the Raleigh area. I have been in Alanon since Feb of this year. I am married to an alcoholic husband for 18 + years and have two teen age children. I am still struggling with the basics of Alnon, acceptance of the situation. I am begining to see things for what they really are.
Your intro is so interesting, what a road you have been on! Welcome, welcome, I hope that this board helps you as much as it has me. Take care.
I also live in the Raleigh area. I have been in Alanon since Feb of this year. I am married to an alcoholic husband for 18 + years and have two teen age children. I am still struggling with the basics of Alnon, acceptance of the situation. I am begining to see things for what they really are.
Your intro is so interesting, what a road you have been on! Welcome, welcome, I hope that this board helps you as much as it has me. Take care.
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
I would also like to welcome you Jon. I to am an 'A' and a big time codependent. I am very comforatable here on these boards. There are some wonderful people here who will listen and help with there heart.
Hope to hear more from you soon.
Hope to hear more from you soon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Raleigh-Cary-Garner, NC
Posts: 26
Reply to welcomes
Thank you so much for the warm welcomes and expressions. Good to be here and to meet you all. I look forward to forming a good network with you. I can't do this alone.
Hugs.
Jon
Hugs.
Jon
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Halifax, Ma
Posts: 8
Good afternoon
I am new to this group. I too Jon am a gay male, with a partner who abuses alcohol. We have been together for 23 years. He was drinking when I first met him and he drinks every day. I am 57 and he is 45. My problem is that I simply love him, and want to spend my life with him, yet I can't continue like it is going. My daughter found this for me today and I am going to avail myself of it as I am so alone in dealing with this. I have three grown children who I am very proud of. My partner "loves" the kids but has no real connection with them. I am rambling but I don't know what to say, nor do I know what to do. I tried several years ago to go to Alanon meeting in the Boston area, but I was not accepted. They acknowledged my problem, but most of the focus was on my lifestyle. Comments were not positive. They did not want to get to know about me but critical as I had left my wife for this man. My kids all agree that I am a better person since the divorce, so that is all that I go by. And I know that I have grown. A lot of it is because of my partner. He is a good man in a lot of ways, yet his addictions keep getting in the way. He is a chronic smoker as well as drinker. I don't want to criticize him but his behavior which I abhor. I know that I am part of the problem as I enable him. We have a home in a small town outside the Plymouth, Mass area. I for years was a isolated by choice as he can't get along with most people. Usually he is placid but when he gets frustrated he yells and screams, orders me about ( which never works but pushes my buttons). He has control issues ( but who doesn't). There is no intimacy in our relationship. By that I don't mean no sex, which there isn't much of but I am loosing my connection with him. I try and talk to him but it always end up in an endless circle as there is never a solution unless I give in. Please, I need help! I don't want to end this, he doesn't either, as he was truly contrite yesterday after the episode the other day. But I am not going to continue like this either. I am working on building my self esteem and my life, I can't focus all of my attention on him and take care of myself. Thanks for reading this and hope this will help both of US. He is beginning to look at his drinking as a problem but know that there is nothing that I can do to make him quit. He has to want to do it for himself....
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Jon and Dave,
Big welcome. Feel free to post, browse, and mingle. There is some great information in the powerposts at the top of the forum, and some great people here. Hope to see you again and again. Hugs, Magic
Big welcome. Feel free to post, browse, and mingle. There is some great information in the powerposts at the top of the forum, and some great people here. Hope to see you again and again. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Welcome Jon & Dave!! I am Teggie, mother of three, wife of an alcoholic and a daughter and sister of alcoholics. Call me triple whammy, lol. Nice to meet you and hope to see y'all often. This is a great place, full of information, feel free to vent, rant, rage whatever...it's all good here. Hugs! Teggie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Halifax, Ma
Posts: 8
Thanks all, I have been following some of the threads and found the 12 Steps to Co Dependency and the discussion group. Wow, is that enlightening. Really glad that I found this site, hope that I can begin to live MY life 1 Day at a Time, and relinquishing control. Very, very difficult thing for me as I am afraid that OUR life will spin out of control. Thanks again for all the info.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Raleigh-Cary-Garner, NC
Posts: 26
Oh my Gosh!!!!
Wow! Was I ever surprised to get a notice in my e-mail box today that someone had "replied" to something I'd posted in this forum 2 years ago!!!!
Fortuitous . . . coincidence? Probably not!!!!
A lot of stuff has happened . . . but, I need to just say "hey" again and then later on, perhaps tomorrow morning, when I usually do most of my on-line writing, I'll try to do a brief "catch up".
Hugs everyone . . .
Jon (Raleigh)
Fortuitous . . . coincidence? Probably not!!!!
A lot of stuff has happened . . . but, I need to just say "hey" again and then later on, perhaps tomorrow morning, when I usually do most of my on-line writing, I'll try to do a brief "catch up".
Hugs everyone . . .
Jon (Raleigh)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 80
Hi and Welcome Jon and Dave,
Wow, was it ever a relief to know not only were there people like me (I'm a well practiced codependent) but also that my spelling issues were not my biggest issues
I hope you find all that you are searching for and all the things you never knew you wanted to look for.
This board and going to the meetings has really helped me relax and I appreciate everyone here more and more each day. I'm glad you are here to join us!
Hugs,
Marci
Wow, was it ever a relief to know not only were there people like me (I'm a well practiced codependent) but also that my spelling issues were not my biggest issues
I hope you find all that you are searching for and all the things you never knew you wanted to look for.
This board and going to the meetings has really helped me relax and I appreciate everyone here more and more each day. I'm glad you are here to join us!
Hugs,
Marci
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Halifax, Ma
Posts: 8
Morning everyone. Yesterday was a BIG day for me. I finally am BEGINNING to realize that there is nothing that I can do for him, but I have to work on myself and stop this co-dependency. I always knew that it wasn't his problem alone, but didn't realize that I could do something about my part of it. I have read the 12 Steps of Co_dependency and thought about them. I realize that I will have to get to an Alanon meeting. I need as much help as he does, but in quite another way. Looking at this I realize that my God plays a big part in my life, yet I don't have the personal relationship with HIM that I had years ago, before getting togethe with my partner. He is an agnostic, or so he says. I do know that being an agnostic is easy, there is no work and that is my partner. He works hard at his job, and anything else that requires work he isn't interested in. I have fallen in his habit, not faulting anyone but positive lifestyle is much more difficult than simply going along for the ride. Yet I do want to live a much more authentic life, and that means work. I am a big proponent of Dr. Phil, and know that I have to take responsibility for my own life.One of the biggest tests is to live the 1 day at a time lifestyle. I have a friend of mine who I have known for years and I have been telling him about all of this, yesterday, and I know that making these type of lifestyle changes isn't going to be easy but it is going to be necessary. The challenge is going to bethe difference between walking the walk and tallking the talk. I want to walk the walk. Thanks everyone for all of the encouragement.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
jon & dave - welcome - i am fairly new member with alcoholic husband of 14 years and adult child of alcoholic. besides getting involved in al-anon several weeks ago, coming to this forum has been a Godsend (truly)!
dave - yes tough to realize that we can't just sit back and lounge while the addict does their thing. i am willing to try and i know it is a life changing thing, but gotta try or die!
cwohio
dave - yes tough to realize that we can't just sit back and lounge while the addict does their thing. i am willing to try and i know it is a life changing thing, but gotta try or die!
cwohio
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