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Old 07-23-2002, 05:06 AM
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Unhappy nothing changes.......

Good Morning folks. I didn't even make it two days before I reduced myself to a screaming idiot. I am understanding more every day that my husband is in the midst of a terrible illness. I see how he is deteriating and getting worse and worse. But I don't have acceptance yet. I still hope that somehow he may recover and we could begin to have a "normal" life.

When I was away on vacation he got much worse. He is going to his new favorite bar every day and buying drinks on a credit card he got in his name. He did not try to find a job. He did clean the garage. I arrived home on Sat. On Sunday night he disappeared when I was on the phone. He went to the bar and didn't come home for four hours. Yesterday I told him that it was unacceptable to do this, just disappear and go to a bar and charge drinks on a credit card. He agreed to stop doing that. Less than an hour later, I went to the gym to work out. As soon as I had left the house he went to the bar. When I came home I was so angry.

I do understand that this is alcoholism. But when he came home I couldn't help myself from telling him how angry I felt and screaming. And then of course the crying. Crying because I have no hope left. I know he won't/can't stop drinking and also knowing that I have been unable to ask him to leave permanently.

Last night I asked him to leave. This morning I asked him to leave. I told him that he was destroying me emotionally. He said that he would get better. I told him that he may have the intention of getting better but that it won't happen. We have been around this cartoon so many times. Then I told him to get better somewhere else. I also asked him not to call me at work.

So here I am. I am at work and miserable, feeling hopeless, and trying not to call him at home and ask him to stay afterall. I am weak and I need my husband for some reason. I feel that I will be alone when he leaves. I am alone now even when he is here but with him here I have the hope of not being alone. When he leaves I will be truely alone. I have some long distance friends and my children, and I have you all, but no friends here. No one to hold me and comfort me.

If he leaves I will have to face some realities about what I cant afford. Now I keep hoping that he will find a job and I won't have to give up my little pleasures.

So there it is, my life as it stands right now. I am on the cusp of change, but have no courage. Please say a prayer for me. thanks
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Old 07-23-2002, 05:26 AM
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********{Rose}}}}}

We are all here with you and know the pain you are going through. The "In-Between' is tough but you can make it Rose. You are having what we call a moment of "clarity" where you are starting to see things for how they really are. And as painful as that can be, it is a big step.

Go through this one day at a time and do some good things for yourself and your recovery, connect through a meeting if you can, and just keep moving forward.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Old 07-23-2002, 07:40 AM
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Thanks Ann, I will try to go to a meeting tonight. I just found out that I have a meeting on Thurs at lunch so I can't go to my regular meeting. Yuch!
I broke down earlier and called him at home. I know this is the same old behavior for me. I am trying to make the changes but maybe I just need more time. I am not sure what I am waiting for, but am trying to trust God.
He said that he really wanted to make changes this time, quack, quack, quack. The problem is a part of me still believes him even now. My mind or Spock knows that he is just manipulating me, but my heart cries out to him.

But I just have to get through this day, this hour, this minute.
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Old 07-23-2002, 09:30 AM
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Oh Rose,

I understand how you feel (((((((((( Rose )))))))))). I wish I had some words of wisdom to tell you but I don't. I hope you can take comfort in just knowing that you are not alone. I fight with the lonely feelings and my heart cries out to my ex-a just about every day and we've been apart almost two years.

The thing is is that I truely love my husband if i didn't I think I would have been able to let him go way before now. I keep hoping that this will be the one day he'll open his eyes and see how he's destroying his life and our life together as a family. I keep hoping that he'll decide to go into some sort of program and actually do it instead of telling me he's going to.

I know how desperately you want him to realize how he's destroying your marriage but honestly until he actually gets into some sort of program that's never going to happen.

You've missed alot while you were away. My ex-a got arrested last Tuesday night for driving without a license, hit and run, and leaving the scene of an accident. That is a felony in this state. It carries 1 to 10 years. I feel so sad and hurt by him. How could he have done something so screwed up and not even consider how it would affect me and our children? I'll be raising three kids all on my own and without any child support. I'm going to have adjust how we live in a big way. I'm going to have to get another job just so I can py my bills and still be able to eat. I hate this. Even after all of this - I still love him. I want to hate him but I can't for some reason.

It will get better. Some days are alot better than others. One day at a time - even one minute at a time if that's all you can do.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love,
Galnva
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Old 07-23-2002, 12:30 PM
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JT
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Rose,

There is no need to force anything that you are not ready for. Do you have Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie? There is a page about waiting. It is posted here as well...somebody help me here and bring it up...

If you don't know what to do...work your program, strengthen your relationship with your HP and be quiet and listen. You will know what to do when the time is right. Choosing to do nothing is an action...you can choose to stay married "One Day a Time". You don't HAVE to do anything.

It took me many years of rcovery to ask my son to move out, I waited for the right time because I knew that I would torture myself over it and I finally had a moment of clarity and I knew that is what I had to do and there was no doubt in my mind when I finally did it.

There was a point as well when I told Ward " I am not going anywhere today, but don't expect me to stick around forever if this behavior continues" Ward has mellowed with age and I am still here, but at the time I was not sure.

It doesn't sound like you are ready..don't force it...work your program and get your focus off him. Really it CAN be done.

Love, JT

Last edited by JT; 07-23-2002 at 12:32 PM.
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Old 07-23-2002, 02:54 PM
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********{Rose}}}}}

I don't have any words of wisdom for you either. We all have gone through or going through some of the feelings that you are.

I have to agree that the first thing you need to do is focus on yourself. You are your top priorty, once you begin to see that things will hopefully fall in place.

Hang in there.

Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
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Old 07-23-2002, 07:37 PM
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Rose and JT

I couldn't find it so I re-posted it again. It is called "waiting" and should be at or near the top now.

It is a good read.

Good luck!!!
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Old 07-23-2002, 07:45 PM
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Rose,

I have to agree w/Barbiedeb. Try to focus on helping yourself. Somehow it really helps bring clarity and strength. Keep looking to the HP for He has the answers. Sometimes it takes time for us to accept what it is that He is leading us to.

Your not alone out there, there are lots of us on the same path.

Hugs,
Constant
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Old 07-23-2002, 07:52 PM
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Geee Rose I know what you mean about stay and go. I am going to court in less than a month...and daily I look at him and have wonder if I am doing the right thing. I hear about even crazier men than mine and wonder if I am crazy.........I guess we all have to find the end of our rope and then hang on to it.
Love Kitty
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Old 07-23-2002, 07:55 PM
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HI ROSE,MY NAME IS LINDA AND I KNOW WHAT U ARE GOING THROUGH I AM ADDICT AND ALCOHOLIC AND SO IS MY HUSBAND,I HAVE STOPED BUT HE IS STILL USEING AND DRINKING,WELL I HAVE BEING TRYING TO PUT HIM OUT FOR A LONG TIME WE BREAK UP AND I WOULD CALL HIM BACK HOME AND THAT HAS WENT ON FOR A LONG TIME THE STAYING OUT THE NEVER KNOWING WHEN AND WHAT HE WILL DO NEXT I EVEN RELASPED A FEW TIMES WITH HIM I KNOW I NEEDED TO KICK HIM OUT BUT I JUST COULDNOT BUT WHAT HELPED ME I STARTED PRAYIN TO GOD FOR STRENTH TO DO IT IN GOD TIME HIS WAY AND HE GAVE ME THE STRENTH TO DO IT,AND I AM OK TODAY I DONOT HAVE IT AS EASY AS I DID WHEN HE WAS HERE BUT I HAVE SOMETHING MORE A PEICE OF MINE. JUST PRAY AND SAK GOD TO GIVE YOU THE STRENTH YOU NEED TO DI IT,IT IS NOT SO BAD,
 
Old 07-24-2002, 05:29 AM
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Thanks folks so much for your replies. You all help me more than I can say. I will try to refocus my attention on myself and see what I can do. I want to start with attending more Alanon meetings each week. I am also trying to write in a journal daily to get some of the thoughts and feelings out. I do have The Language of Letting Go in my desk here at work. I will read the "waiting" meditation. Again thanks for the support.
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Old 07-24-2002, 06:03 AM
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Hi Rose

That book, "Language of Letting Go" is so great. I have a copy at home and a copy at work. All my "emergency" pages are marked so I can get to them in a hurry.

Hope you have a happier day. Try to relax a little and let your life flow to where is is supposed to be.
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