StandingStrong

Well, as most of you know, I'm determined to move on with my life. I think I've been doing pretty darn good too. However....as life will have it, I took a step backwards this evening. *sigh*
I was on the phone with AH. I had called him to remind him that our oldest son (who lives with him) has detention tomorrow. That was fine, but then that old bitter me came out to play and I had to bring up some other issues . That, of course, led into a huge arguement with raised voices, sarcasm, etc. Ahhh....just like the good old days!!!!!!! :yelling
And I realized after I got off the phone and thought about it - it was entirely my own fault. Granted, he was playing his role of Dr. Jekyl/Mr Hyde - one moment being a total jerk and the next being mr. nice. But I am the one that initiated the arguement by bringing up matters that 1) I didn't have too 2) Were totally unrelated to the reason we were talking anyways 3) Was very mean of me and 4) was really a waste of time when you think about it as arguing and being bitter really never solves anything.
So I admit that I was at fault on this one. Should I apologize for it? Hmm....I don't know. Thinking that I should. (Even though I believe that everything I said was true) LOL. :tongue3:
And then I had another thought! though I've come a long way in my recovery - will I ever really be completely healed? Or will I carry the scars that my AH have left me with forever? Will I ever get to the point that I can unlearn this behaviour that I have learned?
Guess maybe I need to re-evaluate myself and re-do a few of those steps.

JessicaNAJ

SS - You have a lot on your mind. And a lot of issues deep down you needed to address. It's totally understandable that what happened, happened.

If you DO apologize, I wouldn't apologize for what you said, but for the timing of the conversation. You probably meant everything you said so why should you apologize for it?

I personally always feel better after I unload on my AH. He thinks he's so perfect. I love nailing him.... And I love the way I can word it in a way that it makes sense.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're DOING GREAT!!!

Daffodil

Standing Strong,
Why beat yourself up? Have you forgotten you are 100% human?

Remember the 3 A's

Awareness

Accecptance

Action.

I find I have to keep practicing all the principals in all my affairs or I soon am right back living with the dragon called ME. You know that person that I don't want to be any longer.

I really believe the best amends I can make to anyone encluding myself is a living amends. One where after a while I can say Yes, I used to be like that but only I can change me and I did.

FormerDoormat

Evening Standing Strong:

Don't think you've lost any ground at all. Seems to me that you took one small step backward and two giant steps forward. So instead of beating yourself up, I think a pat on the back is in order (and maybe a bowl of your favorite ice cream). So go ahead, have some Turkey Hill Chocolate Peanut butter swirl on me! (A really big bowl).

Magichappens

From your story, I don't see any backwards motion. The steps don't make us perfect. They help us to grow, and when we do things that hurt us or others, step 10 tells us that is normal, be honest and we make our amends. We're people. We make mistakes. The growth is in how we handle our mistakes as well as our triumphs. You recognized something. You are willing to face it and do the right thing. That is recovery in action. Hugs, Magic

laurie6781

For me as an AAer and an Alanoner what I must remember so I don't continuously beat my self up if very simple:

"We are not Saints. Progress not perfection."

Seems to me your progress is really great!!!!!!!

So don't get the heavy 4 foot long truck chain out of the closet and start beating yourself, roflmao.

It's practice practice practice to erase old tapes. Slowly the new behaviors erase the old.

Yes, you will have scars but they will fade with time. They do become a distant distant memory. And they become your Experience, Strength, and Hope to share with others! (They do become an asset).

In all honesty I would suspect that somehow one of your "old buttons" was not completely taped over with duct tape and got pushed, lmao. It's okay you are human. Now you have a 10th step to deal with it. No need to go into details, just an honest "I'm sorry, I was out of line in our last phone call."

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

Buster

I think you should just forget about it - move on and don't beat yourself up.
You are human - we all are - it's hard to break old habits. You are doing so well - focus on that

cwohio

ss - like magic said - you recognized the old behaviors - that is truly much bigger steps forward than you small step backwards.

StandingStrong

Thank you for the replies.
After posting this last night, I knew that I had been wrong. And instead of allowing it to consume me and make me feel bad, I called AH. I told him that I hadn't called him to argue with him and that I was sorry. I can't recall what he said, something like "it's okay" or "no problem" or something like that. And then we got off the phone.
So, all in all, I feel that I did the right thing and that it's now behind me.

Hopefully someday as Laurie6781 implied, the internal scars will fade, the memories will become more distant, (And I can put that 4 foot chain back out in the garage instead of my closet )

Thanks again for all of your replies! I appreciate it.