Not sure what to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Niles, Ohio
Posts: 10
Not sure what to do.
Ok I understand they say if you love your AH stick with him because he is sick, but I just can't seem to understand. I have tried everything to just forget about his drinking and go on with MY life but it is really hard(as you all know) I just have no coping methods. I can't go to alanon because he is always drinking and I have no one to watch my three young children. I do have a few books I have been reading but I dont feel I am getting much out of them. I sit here in so much pain because I can't have the man that I love because he is always gone. He doesn't go to the bar but we have a house we are remodeling and he stays there to drink then comes home and wants me to stay up with him til he passes out and if I go to bed he follows me to either fight or he wants a little. I dont know about you guys but when its 2 in the morning and you have a newborn to get up with in the middle of the night and 2 other children to deal with you sure the heck dont want to mess around with no drunk. Well I need some insight Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
Just start slowly. You can learn strategies. It is not pretending that he is not drunk. It is living your own life. Many Alanon meetings have childcare. Do you have a friend who can watch them while you go? I first started with a therapist and just got a babysitter for the hour that I saw her a week. It took YEARS and it is not easy. And I am still back at step one trying to control things that are out of my control.
As for sex...heck with a newborn you need NO other reason for not wanting too!
Stay around here and you WILL learn....really you will.
Prayers to you.
Jenny
As for sex...heck with a newborn you need NO other reason for not wanting too!
Stay around here and you WILL learn....really you will.
Prayers to you.
Jenny
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
Originally Posted by froggie792000
how do I stop him from wanting sex when he is trashed without him blowing up?????
And if you feel unsafe, then that is a different story. Then you need a plan and a safety network.
Jenny
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Niles, Ohio
Posts: 10
I have tried several times to just say no but then he fights and I go to the couch he follows. I get so aggervated I just give in but then I am thinking the whole time I shouldn't have to do this. I know in the back of my mind he is gonna pass out soon and it will be over. I dont know how not to feel this way
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 103
Hi Froggie,
I am so sorry for what you are going through, especially with 3 young children. The fact that you have a newborn must be especially painful--one would hope he'd like to enjoy the baby and help out more, and spend time with all of you WITHOUT drinking. I hope there is some way you can get away to an Al Anon meeting or even just go to a movie or see a friend for a couple of hours. Can't anyone babysit? Can you get a responsible teenager in the area once the little one is a bit older? My 14 year old niece babysits and is wonderful and responsible and comes cheap! You can't keep going on like this! Easy for me to say, I have plenty of problems with my A, but I think with the newborn and the kids with no break and your A wanting you to stay up at 2AM...very painful! I can understand how bad you must be feeling.
Yes, your A is sick but you will get sick too, as will your kids, if you don't get some support and free time away to breathe. There is a book called "Getting them Sober" (many probably know it) which is a great help, a wonderful book that helps you cope with an active A. I hope I don't sound harsh and I am not saying the book will help enough. But I hope you can find some support and peace and then see how you feel about your future with your A. This group is a good place to be, and I hope you can find more support and good things in your life for you and your kids.
rara
I am so sorry for what you are going through, especially with 3 young children. The fact that you have a newborn must be especially painful--one would hope he'd like to enjoy the baby and help out more, and spend time with all of you WITHOUT drinking. I hope there is some way you can get away to an Al Anon meeting or even just go to a movie or see a friend for a couple of hours. Can't anyone babysit? Can you get a responsible teenager in the area once the little one is a bit older? My 14 year old niece babysits and is wonderful and responsible and comes cheap! You can't keep going on like this! Easy for me to say, I have plenty of problems with my A, but I think with the newborn and the kids with no break and your A wanting you to stay up at 2AM...very painful! I can understand how bad you must be feeling.
Yes, your A is sick but you will get sick too, as will your kids, if you don't get some support and free time away to breathe. There is a book called "Getting them Sober" (many probably know it) which is a great help, a wonderful book that helps you cope with an active A. I hope I don't sound harsh and I am not saying the book will help enough. But I hope you can find some support and peace and then see how you feel about your future with your A. This group is a good place to be, and I hope you can find more support and good things in your life for you and your kids.
rara
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Froggie -
You do have your hands full! I explained that I couldn't stand the smell of the booze and as long as he was drinking, he wasn't getting any because the smell made me sick to my stomach. With two kids and a newborn, the last thing you need is a smelly drunk trying to force you into something you don't want to do when you should be sleeping. "I love you honey, but the smell of alcohol makes me sick to my stomach."
That smell doesn't just come from their breath either, it seeps out of their pores. Yuck!!!!
Hugs, Jo
You do have your hands full! I explained that I couldn't stand the smell of the booze and as long as he was drinking, he wasn't getting any because the smell made me sick to my stomach. With two kids and a newborn, the last thing you need is a smelly drunk trying to force you into something you don't want to do when you should be sleeping. "I love you honey, but the smell of alcohol makes me sick to my stomach."
That smell doesn't just come from their breath either, it seeps out of their pores. Yuck!!!!
Hugs, Jo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Niles, Ohio
Posts: 10
Thats funny in a way because those were my exact words and his response is............that horse sh*t so tonight I am just gonna try to go to sleep and see what he does..its so degrading but I dont know what else to do
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I remember very well having three young children and an active alcoholic husband!
I also remember feeling totally used when it came to sex with him.
One day, while he was sober, I told him how it made me feel used when he'd been out drinking and doing nothing else to show me that he cared about me except to want to have sex. He, of course, didn't think it was possible for a spouse to use another spouse just for sex and didn't feel it was just sex. However, that became one of my boundaries, if he was drinking, he wasn't going to have any intimate moments with me. He didn't like it, but he accepted it.
Have you tried talking to him without being accusatory? Yes, I know it's very hard, but I'm curious if you'd tried to explain to him that "I feel like I'm alone in this marriage.", "I need you to come home sooner and spend time with us", etc. (notice the sentences are starting with "I need" and not "You do this, or You do that". Of course this conversation would have to take place while he's sober. But at least then, he'd know how you feel.
It's hard to be in your place right now. I know the pain is just undescribale. And I can only tell you that you have to learn to make YOUR life important. It's hard when you're surrounded with diapers, bottles, and toddler toys. But let me tell you something that I learned that I wish that I had learned years and years ago, okay?
You only get one life!!! So you should try to make it a happy one, regardless of other people.
Hang in there, I'm rooting for ya!
I also remember feeling totally used when it came to sex with him.
One day, while he was sober, I told him how it made me feel used when he'd been out drinking and doing nothing else to show me that he cared about me except to want to have sex. He, of course, didn't think it was possible for a spouse to use another spouse just for sex and didn't feel it was just sex. However, that became one of my boundaries, if he was drinking, he wasn't going to have any intimate moments with me. He didn't like it, but he accepted it.
Have you tried talking to him without being accusatory? Yes, I know it's very hard, but I'm curious if you'd tried to explain to him that "I feel like I'm alone in this marriage.", "I need you to come home sooner and spend time with us", etc. (notice the sentences are starting with "I need" and not "You do this, or You do that". Of course this conversation would have to take place while he's sober. But at least then, he'd know how you feel.
It's hard to be in your place right now. I know the pain is just undescribale. And I can only tell you that you have to learn to make YOUR life important. It's hard when you're surrounded with diapers, bottles, and toddler toys. But let me tell you something that I learned that I wish that I had learned years and years ago, okay?
You only get one life!!! So you should try to make it a happy one, regardless of other people.
Hang in there, I'm rooting for ya!
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Froggy,
When I started to make changes and find some boundaries, people fought me. Having to put up with the arguments and the manipulation for a while is part of the process. Sooner or later, people get used to the new and either quit fighting it, or leave. It's scary going through it, especially for the first few times. Once I saw that it really does work, it got easier. We have to start somewhere with taking care of ourself. Whether it is hiring a baby sitter to go to a meeting, or sticking to our guns about a healthy decision, we have to follow through. We have all wished things were different, but wishing it doesn't make it so. We have to try something different.
You are in a scary, frustrating place. But you aren't alone, and it can get better. Praying for peace and healing for you and your family, Magic
When I started to make changes and find some boundaries, people fought me. Having to put up with the arguments and the manipulation for a while is part of the process. Sooner or later, people get used to the new and either quit fighting it, or leave. It's scary going through it, especially for the first few times. Once I saw that it really does work, it got easier. We have to start somewhere with taking care of ourself. Whether it is hiring a baby sitter to go to a meeting, or sticking to our guns about a healthy decision, we have to follow through. We have all wished things were different, but wishing it doesn't make it so. We have to try something different.
You are in a scary, frustrating place. But you aren't alone, and it can get better. Praying for peace and healing for you and your family, Magic
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