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Intimidation

Old 01-12-2005, 10:04 AM
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Gracey
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Intimidation

Being very blunt here..............

My H called on his break today.............he said he wants sex..tonight.........he said it has been 5 days or so............I quickly changed the subject.....I have absolutley no desire from him to touch me............he makes me sick..............I am still not over this past weekend, him just stating that or pretty much telling me that is letting me know that is what I am required to do.

I have an appointment for a lawyer.............grant it I havent shared that bit a news with him........because I am getting information right now.............but I have said to him I cant live like this anymore..........

The three days of hell and the two minute apologies, is not enough for me anymore.............he can behave any way he wants to..............I quit, I give up................just leave me the hell alone......

I am going to have to face him and face the truth sooner or later................the thing that pisses me off the most is his strength........he is stronger than I am by far.........(I am trying not to project this evening's events) I have never been physically raped by my h...............but I feel like I have been mentally raped by him many times..............

I most of the time always give in..............because of badgering, made to feel guilty, like it is my duty as his wife....or he gets verbally abusive, back to trying to reason, than back to verbally abusive...........than making me feel guilty.........than poking at me and pulling the blankets off of me..........of by getting so violent with his mouth...........he scares me like he is going to do more.....he will riducule me............he will tell me he is going to go elswhere.........or to go ahead call the police what are you going to tell them your h raped you...........just very mentally abusive...........no exxageration here.........he will continue to do that for a couple of hours................I will get less sleep, alot less...................

he was such an a***hole last weekend...............and we have barely spoken since then.....I do not have those feelings towards him............Like I said the thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl................here I go projecting again.............I have noticed a pattern with my H.........he gets very irritable on Friday and Saturday nights, intolerable...If I left every weekend and went up north.........that is not pheasable for me to be gone every weekend.

I am at a loss guys on how to handle all of this............
 
Old 01-12-2005, 10:26 AM
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I'm going through the same thing

And let me tell you this: I finally gave the idiot all the sex he could take just in the hopes that he would quit b****ing at me about it. Result? He took off work for two days (called in "sick") so he could get his fill of his "gorgeous, sexy" wife. He then undertook to go on one of his drunk-a-thons, so we didn't have the TONS of sex he wanted. Anyway, he was back to tearing the covers off the bed and stalking out when I wouldn't let him flop all over me and grope my breasts all night within a week after that, so my "Plan A" didn't solve the situation, which I should have had the sense to realize. (That was me buying into my codie behavior by trying to "fix" the situation by meeting his demands.)

Listen, if you gave him all the sex he wanted, he'd soon find something else you do or don't do to b**ch about. I've gotten the following complaints: (1) "You don't come to bed with me when I go to bed. How do you think it feels to lay there alone in bed?" - Hell, half the time he PASSES OUT in bed reeking of stale Scotch. A real turn on for me - NOT! (2) "You have different sleep patterns than me. You don't go to bed early and get up early." Yeah, so what? I also don't chew my food like you do, brush my teeth like you do, or pick my nose in public like you do - so what of it? Ever heard of RESPECTING differences between partners???? (3) "I drink to kill my sex drive." Yeah, and also to avoid true emotions, deal with life, etc., etc.

In my never-to-be-humble opinion, my AH has two needs: sex and booze. If I prance around in Victoria Secret costumes for him, let him take photos of me, play fantasy sex games, and become his drinking buddy he's in heaven. That's it. Period. Maturity level of an 18-year-old testosterone-laden adolescent. I woke up one day and realized that was his version of "true love" or "true hapiness." Sad, but da facts iz da facts.

Right now I have a real reprieve: with both my knees banged up from surgery I have to sleep sitting up on the living room couch. After the stiches come out, I'll just continue to sleep on the basement couch and watch t.v. If he doesn't like it, tough. Like you, I find sex comparable to eating a bowl of snot. Why the hell would anyone want to be emotionally intimate and loving with someone who is anything BUT emotionally intimate with them and talks to them like they're filth?

A's .... gotta hand it to them .... they want what they want, when they want it, and to hell with you or the rest of the world.

If I were getting the threatening overtones you're getting from my AH - and the emotional abuse too - I'd get out of the house. I know it's your house and you don't want to leave, but for the time being, going to stay with friends, going to stay with family, whatever, would be better than what you're tolerating. Any man who is physically forces you to submit to him sexually is raping you - whether it's your H or bf or a total stranger!
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Old 01-12-2005, 10:33 AM
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He never physically forces me...............I have just give in because it was easier.....although I didnt want to.............get it over with in five minutes or have maybe an all night dispute..........that has in the past became verbally abusive.....horribly verbally abusive and on a rare occasion pushed out of the bed......you know what I mean..........
 
Old 01-12-2005, 10:34 AM
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He has taken my right away of saying no....................I am going to take that back.......if it kills me.
 
Old 01-12-2005, 10:35 AM
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As a survivor of a past abusive relationship, I can relate to your struggle.

Intimidation, threats, unwanted sexual pressure/advances, psychological and verbal abuse are clear evidence of an abusive relationship. Do you have fear that the sexual pressure and/or verbal assault could escalate into a violent situation? If the answer is yes, you need to develop a safety plan for your protection. Domestic Violence Services provides counseling, advocacy and help with establishing safety plans taylored to individual needs and circumstances.

You mentioned that you have an appointment with a lawyer. I am assuming that you are contemplating a separation? Keep in mind the following: Statistics show that women are most at risk of violence and death in an abusive relationship when they leave or are in the process of exiting an abusive relationship. Again, this is why DVS and a safety plan are needed.

If you do not want sex, you ALWAYS have the right to say no and have that right respected. Threats of infidelity and rape are the abuser's efforts to maintain power and control. An abuser is deeply obsessed with power and control. When he realizes that you are trying to empower yourself, this will always trigger more conflict.
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Old 01-12-2005, 11:05 AM
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Thank you for sharing guys. I am in the same situation and I am so glad to know I am not a freak for feeling that way, he really knows how to lay on the guilt.


I have done the same thing it doesn't change anything, he's still an A** and still wants more! What really gets me is that he would be happy with me being a slutty drinking pal, but he knows I never will, but he still thinks we can be happy together!!!

AH remember the days you actually wanted sex with them? well not really it's been so long

Mindi
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Old 01-12-2005, 11:10 AM
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Gracey please have a plan e (for escape) in place just in case and also a phone - land line or cell that you can use to call for help if it's needed.
I know it's a tough choice between doing something you have every right to say No to and having it turn into a marathon verbal torture session. In the end, you have to do what is right for you. Talking to a lawyer and knowing your options will really help.
SusanD is very very right, they do get worse as you try to leave/escape - a control issue. You've already experienced his meaness torwards your older daughter. Many times they try to hurt the children mentally or physically to get to you.
Whatever you do, please put your safety and your children's first.
My prayers are with you.
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Old 01-12-2005, 11:17 AM
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i'm with you guys - we maybe have sex once a month - my ah is either drinking too much, not drinking and being sick, i'm emotionally exhausted, i'm emotionally detached from sex, etc., etc. and so forth! and when we do it's more of a physical release than anything else. i basically could care less any more.

Listen, if you gave him all the sex he wanted, he'd soon find something else you do or don't do to b**ch about. I've gotten the following complaints: (1) "You don't come to bed with me when I go to bed. How do you think it feels to lay there alone in bed?" - Hell, half the time he PASSES OUT in bed reeking of stale Scotch. A real turn on for me - NOT! (2) "You have different sleep patterns than me. You don't go to bed early and get up early." Yeah, so what? I also don't chew my food like you do, brush my teeth like you do, or pick my nose in public like you do - so what of it? Ever heard of RESPECTING differences between partners???? (3) "I drink to kill my sex drive." Yeah, and also to avoid true emotions, deal with life, etc., etc.
Like you, I find sex comparable to eating a bowl of snot.
prodigal - i just chuckled out loud at your post - don't mean to laugh at our pathetic situations, but the way you wrote it just made me laugh.
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Old 01-12-2005, 11:50 AM
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Oh my! I am so glad this one was started! I agree, sex with an A is like eating a bowl of snot!! My AH always told me I was gay b/c I avoided sex like the plague. It is really gross when they try to get fresh with you when they are stone drunk out of their minds. My AH one night was so drunk I don't think he even knew it was me he was trying to get fresh with. His eyes were all half shut and he was stumbling around and then when I asked him to please leave me alone he started asking me who it was....who molested me...and I don't know where on this planet that came from. Made no sense all and then I was even more grossed out after that.
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Old 01-12-2005, 11:57 AM
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Gracey -

Being shoved out of bed is physical abuse. Intimidation is abuse. Like I said before, if he becomes abusive, in any manner, you can call 911. That will help you now and down the road. Don't take chances with your safety. Your kids learn from what they see and hear. Please do what is right for yourself and for them.

Hugs, Jo
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Old 01-12-2005, 12:10 PM
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I havent figured out a plan of escape...............how can there be one................he wont let me leave, when he is in his mood........he has ripped the phone out of the wall...........or will hang it up on me.................If I could get out safe enough, just me, I would have to leave my kids...............and I couldnt sleep all night knowing he is there alone with them..........and that is being sober.....................especially my oldest daugther....(sexually he wouldnt hurt her)......but verbally abusive yes, I wouldnt be there to protect her.............I dont trust him...........with her or the dog..........he has threatened to kill the dog........and to beat my daughter's ass.............has never done it.........how could I have let someone have so much power over me...........If I was stronger than him I would kick his A****, just to let him know how scary it is to feel powerless over some enraged, explosive person.............let him be the little guy scared and not knowing if he was going to get pushed, or spit on, or hit............jerking because he has just jumped at you with a fist drawn and not knowing that he wasnt going to hurt you..........but jumping at you to scare and intimidate you for him to get what he wants............
 
Old 01-12-2005, 12:16 PM
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(((gracey))) i am glad you are looking into your options with a lawyer. please be safe - prayers to you!
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Old 01-12-2005, 12:28 PM
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PLEASE call the DVS experts on this subject. The DVS hotline in Michigan is: 1-800-99-NO-ABUSE. If you look in your phone book there is probably a local hotline also. I can understand why you feel there is no escape. You need assistance with this--FROM THE PROFESSIONALS. You have outlined SERIOUS safety concerns that warrant professional help and advice--beyond consult with just a lawyer.

Domestic violence experts and related literature/research on the subject will tell you that abuse has NOTHING to do with alcoholism. Domestic violence and alcoholism are two separate issues. We are talking about an abusive personality that is deeply obsessed with power and control. He will not change.
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Old 01-12-2005, 12:28 PM
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I'm torn with this one... I'm SOO glad I'm not alone with this problem but I'm SOO sad to see so many others in the same situation...

I've been called everything in the book.. ice cube, frigid, ice princess... He says that I think I'm too good for him, holier than thou... He accuses me of having someone on the side because if I'm not having sex with him I must be going elsewhere...

To top it off, he thinks he performs better when he's drunk!!

Hugs all around!
Christine
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Old 01-12-2005, 12:35 PM
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Hi Gracey,
I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like it has escalated to an abusive relationship. I have been in several of those.

I would suggest getting a restraining order. I used to work as a Paralegal for a lawyer and I am going to school to obtain my law degree; any Martial Attorney would probably suggest a Restraining order in these circumstances.

You can file it yourself by simply going down to the Courthouse, they will serve him and he will be required to leave. If he comes back he will be arrested.

I hope you keep yourself safe... ((((HUGS)))))
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Old 01-12-2005, 12:35 PM
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gracey - sounds like susand is offering some sound advice. please at least call the number she posted. we want you and yours safe!
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Old 01-12-2005, 12:36 PM
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Gracey -

I'm from Michigan. It is against the law for anyone to try and stop you from calling 911. They will arrest him for that. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline. Susan gave you the number. They will arrest him for every one of the things that you mentioned in your last post. The police will press charges against him - not you. He will be out of the house. You can get a restraining order. Don't wait for him to hurt or kill you. What will your kids do then? No one is suggesting that you leave without your kids. You don't necessarily have to leave. Have him removed.

CALL THE HOT LINE - NOW. DON'T WAIT.

Jo
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Old 01-12-2005, 12:37 PM
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PLEASE look into a Restraining order ASAP!!
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Old 01-12-2005, 12:43 PM
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Gracey, he threatens you, belittles you, coerces you to have sex. He inappropriately gropes you, intimidates you, pulls the covers off of you when he wants to have sex and completely ignores your lack of consent....you are being raped. Please call the police and file a report against your husband for rape and domestic abuse, for the sake of your children, please call the police and have him removed from your home. You cannot protect your children as much as you would like to and they are coexisting in this awful, negative, dangerous environment where boundaries are crossed on a completely natural and regular basis. Your husband will not get better and his abuse will escalate and today is the day he may violently assault you. It isn't about sex with your husband, it is about his need for power and control and that is rape, however you try to look at it. It is a crime. My heart just breaks for you and your children. Get him the he** out of there and do it now. A consult with a lawyer is wonderful, but you need to do something asap and I would suggest an OFP or restraining order based on threats of physical violence/rape. He calls you at work and tells you that he is basically going to assault you and you are even considering going home......pick up your kids and get a hotel room, call a shelter for abused women, just don't go home. Your husband thinks this behavior is acceptable, he is ready to play your game, the one that you play every time he wants to, because he knows in the end he wins every time. Please please please please get out. This is more than just being grossed out by your drunk husband. I'm praying for you and your children. I feel from your posts that your soul is broken and I hope you can find peace someday. Good luck and my advice....get him out of there any way you can.
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Old 01-12-2005, 01:10 PM
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I will be fine as long as I dont say no to him..................most of the time I dont want to have sex............I think in my situation that is normal.............right????

I am taking steps in getting him out..............would the police go by my word alone to issue a restraining order????? I will call the police and find out the necessary steps it takes.............I had the police officer out at my house not to long ago..............and he said that as long as I am married he has the right to be in this house............there is nothing I can do about it.........If I leave the house the only place that I would have to go is up north to my parents...........so I would have to quit my job....which pays great..........I would have to pull all three kids out of school...............

I brought a tape recorder home............I am going to get his threats on tape..............
 

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