StandingStrong

In the past month, there have been a few times that I wondered if my AH had drank. We are seperated now so it's not like I see him but there were odd events that made me remember the past. You all know the signs.
I realized that I honestly didn't care if he was drinking! What a shock - even to myself. After this revelation, I felt the need to share with a friend of mine (not married to an alcoholic but tries to understand where I'm coming from, lol) and she was supportive. But she said that maybe he wasn't drinking and was just out with another woman instead.
Okay, that's possible. And guess what! I didn't care!!!!
Again this past weekend, odd behaviour (like not calling to see if the youngest children were coming to spend the night with him as he usually does, oldest son spent the night with a friend).....hmmmm.....guess what! The kids didn't seem upset that he didn't ask - and I really didn't care what he was out doing.

Granted, you all have not known me over the years and seen the way that this type of behaviour has effected me in the past. But I have to tell you that it was a wonderful feeling. It was such a feeling of freedom for me to have realized that I have let go! That while I hope that he remains safe and keeps our kids safe when they are with him - I no longer allow his drinking (or maybe he wasn't) but I do not allow what HE is doing or not doing to affect me in the sense of over-ruling my life!
It's just amazing. Wow!!!!!!

I'm sure that this is what is meant about detaching. I'm sure that there are those of you that continue to live with an active alcoholic and know this feeling as well. For me, I couldn't do it. But now after having been seperated for about a year and working on ME, it seems that I finally possess something that I've lacked a long time. A sense of peace.

And I just wanted to share with you what a very huge thing this is for me. I may not always have this feeling, I may fall back into old patterns, it's really hard to tell. But for now, today, I am proud of me! I see that I have progressed! Go me!

StandingStrong

Another thing (yea, I know, I'm rambling) but we've often discussed that old habit of having the need to know. we need to know if they were drinking even when we know it in our hearts, we need some sort of confirmation. Oh yea, I was definately one of those people!!!!!!!!! I needed to be validated, I needed to be right!
Guess what - I don't need to know if he was drinking or not this time. I don't need to know if he was out with another woman. I don't need to know.
While his behaviour lately has been a little out of the ordinary, it hasn't affected me. It hasn't affected our children. And we are okay! And that's the blessing. We are okay!

Cap3

Way to go.!!!!
Thank you for sharring your growth.And how it works for ..you.keep on keeping on.!!!!

wraybear

OH MY GOSH, I HAVE TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY CHEEKS I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! I HOPE I WILL BE AT THAT PLACE VERY SOON!!! WOW! WOW! WOW!

This is definitely something to be proud of! You just keep on progressing!

HIP HIP HOORAY, FOR STANDINGSTRONG TODAY!

I am getting giddy!

frankly

Way to go. Now boarding Serenity Express. Toot Toot!


B

JessicaNAJ

That is AWESOME!! Way to go SS - Ditto what Wraybear said. I admire your strength. I am so very happy for you that you found peace. It has to be such a wonderful feeling.

(((StandingStrong)))

jalacola

I am in your shoes right now. My AH and I were separated for a little over a month (not NEAR long enough) and I finally got to that place. I am there now. He is home, still drinking (secretly, meaning not in front of me, but I always know) and I don't care. I don't wait around to see what condition he is going to come home in. If he comes home and I suspect it, I take the kids and we go shopping or something. I take care of other things instead of taking care of him. I stopped doing his laundry or ironing (boy does he hate that), but I figured if he could fend for himself for a month, then he could do it today. When he asks me to do something that he could very well be doing himself, I tell him just that--to do it himself. I'm busy. And I always am, just in the past, I realized that I would stop what I was doing to do what he wanted me to. Detachment means just that...but I don't understand how those who are detachment "veterans" with active drinkers can still be married. That's not an insult, just a question. I am losing my feelings for my husband and realizing that I deserve better. I guess that's just me. I loved him very much at one time, but I really wonder if I do at all now. I can function just fine on my own, so why do I even need him? I don't. Things are much more relaxed when we are apart (not just the separation, but he has spent several nights in hotels lately also). My kids and I can be in peace in our house. I guess for me, detachment has turned on a light switch and told me that I am worth more than I have given myself credit for.

Dee at Mt Bully

Good for you SS you give me hope--you give us all hope. I hope this space you are
in last and lasts. Please tell us about it again so we can hear how good it is.
YIPPEE Smiles--Dee

minnie

SS

Wahay!!

Thank you for sharing that wonderful information. We all need to know that it can be done.


Please make sure you stick around and keep sharing the good news.

Love

Minnie
xxx

mamasmitty

[QUOTE= When he asks me to do something that he could very well be doing himself, I tell him just that--to do it himself. I'm busy. And I always am, just in the past, I realized that I would stop what I was doing to do what he wanted me to. Detachment means just that...but I don't understand how those who are detachment "veterans" with active drinkers can still be married. That's not an insult, just a question. .[/QUOTE]

mamasmitty

Sorry! I have never used the quote button before! I stay because My AH is my X husband, and when we got devorced, he got the house and kids (another long story) and the house sits on the land my mom gave me as my inheritence! So I will stay as long as I can. It is also right next door to my mom. I don't want to move away from her, and I couldn't live as good as I do with my X (finantuly) if I was on my own. Yes, I know I could do it, cause I did it before. But I am choosing to stay for now.

Karivan

(((StandingStrong))) Your name now says it all. You have every right to be proud of yourself. It's a long hard road to get to that point. Way to go!

dreamcatcher

It is a wonderful feeling when IT DOESN'T MATTER. Everyday something will come up that in the past would just make me insane. What I have realized is how much spare time I have now that I am not searching for that hidden bottle, driving past the bars or just horribly preoccupied by his actions. I look back at how much time was spent doing these things and it is amazing. I have a new way of life and alot of time to spend in it. It is also great being able to eat and sleep. HOORAY for us!!!!!!!