1sunshine2

I just have to tell you all this. I am not changing my mind. I am more firm in my resolve than ever. But here is the deal. My husband who is in jail until Tuesday at 9a.m. was staying at his mom's since the day after the DUI. He went to his family's xmas gatherings drunk each time. It turns out his mother who is a recovering A. for like 30 years, has been his driver when he wanted cigs his mom took him, when she went to get gas in her car he would go along to get cigs, when they went to his sisters for xmas they stopped to get cigs...it turns out, they showed up at my son's who is 24 years old, his father drunk to the gills with grama at the wheel. My husband brought along an 18 pack. Apparently when his mom stops for gas or takes him to get cigs he has been buying beer all along staying pretty much drunk from the time he left here until the day he went to jail.His Mom giving him xanax all along the way. This from a recovering A. What a great job she's doing with showing her son the ropes. I am so pissed at her. I could scream. I thought by being at his mom's she at least had the same thing in mind that I did. Which was not allow the alcohol in her home, since no one has ever been allowed to drink there, and possibly he would be sober long enough to realize what a mess of his own life he has made. Instead she is his assistant in his quest to die from this freaking disease. Even to the degree of giving him Xanax....Her story....She lost Daddy, to cancer last year and she just wants to have a relationship with her son.....I said well how's that relationship working for you? (DR. Phil says that and at the time I guess I thought it was funny)...she said well what am I suppose to do? I said I think maybe you should ask your sponsor. I don't think you are suppose to drive him to drink. and definately the xanax? what the heck is that about?
I wish her the best. When he get's out of jail I am sure he will be ready to tie one on, and as long as his death from alcohol doesn't kill him/the relationship. I am sure she will get to have a long relationship with a 44 year old out of control drunk. Sorry about the anger in this one....I have just got to stop thinking about this man. I must be still hanging on otherwise why would I give a crap....My great two days..were great. and I am sick about hearing all this old trash. I thought no contact was going to do the trick. But this family reporting system is screwing it up. My son told his grama she needed to get him out of his house. And she got mad at HIM.....imagine that one...mad at her grandson, because he doesn't want to have the drunk in his house....but she's not mad at the drunk....she's so desparate for a relationship with him I guess. Because they had no relationship till the day he showed up at her house drunk....what a bunch of freaks. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I hate this. And I hate his mother too.

JessicaNAJ

Sunshine - I totally understand. Just remember, it's out of your control. Regardless of what his "Mother" does, he's a big boy and its still his choice to continue to drink. I do agree with you, she don't have to help him along. Its the "Blind leading the blind" (i hope that was not offensive to anyone).

Hang in there - you'll get through this one too!!!

(((Sunshine)))

1sunshine2

I don't want to know what he is doing. Or what he has done. I am sick of hearing about it, sick of him calling my daughter asking her what I am doing and putting her in the position of feeling like the only reason he calls is to check on me. FRoM JAIL...for god's sake. He didn't give a hoot what I was doing when he was staying out drunk all night. Why all of a sudden does he want to know now. I want to be out of this. And I don't want to care what he says when he calls. I am just so mad again.....I will be fine tomorrow. I am just still getting my chaing yanked, and I am really madder at myself for allowing that I think...I can already feel the "you are okay Debbie so stop it" coming over me....it's just so shocking to think another A would participate in his drinking...but I guess she could be codependent and an Alcoholic at the same time............

JessicaNAJ

You ARE okay Debbie - so stop it...lol

I hope you don't take this wrong, but do you think its possible the reason this bothers you so much is because you thought he was in a controlled environment and you KNEW what was going on... only to find out your were wrong about the whole thing. I'm just asking b/c that has happened to me. It was kinda hard for me to admit that I really had no control over anything he's doing.

I don't find it so shocking that another A would participate in his drinking... In fact, when I look at a bar, all i see are a bunch of A participating in each others drinking. They even buy it for each other. A's tend to surround themselves with unhealthy people.

Get as mad as you want, you earned it. I believe this is happening and has been brought to your attention b/c your HP wanted it to be. Kinda giving you more fuel to your already big fire.

Don't try to figure his "mother" out. You'll be wasting your time and energy. You've got more important things to worry about, ya know?

Put a block on your phone so he can't call your house from jail. I work at a jail (yes, the same one my AH was in) and the public can get blocks put on their phones.

Get some rest tonight, you're right...you will feel better tomorrow.

(((debbie)))

chrisea

Jessica, also have you noticed, most of the drinkers in that bar, (esp, the older crowd), are men.... I think the women are giving up, I know I have... or is it the women are getting smart... my a bf actually believes he can run a business from a bar. He doesn't get it... the only person running a business there, is the bar owner- he's making the money. My 2nd (dry drunk) x AH, had it right - the people in a bar are the "I'm Gonna" crowd, "I'm gonna do that" someday, only that day doesn't come... Just the next one, where they are sitting at the same bar, doing the same thing.

JessicaNAJ

I'm Gonna - I like that one.

I can remember at 17 walking into the bar with my AH to get his dad to give us a ride somewhere. I hated it. It was full of nothing but a bunch of dirty old men.

1sunshine2

Jess.....those are the answers to those questions you asked me..Do I think I am mad because .......................yep I am mad about that, and yep I am mad about that and that and that and that and that.....but I am not crying anymore. Too late for the block....I went out to dinner with a girl friend and when I got home at 8:15 the phone rang, I answered it and it was from an inmate blah blah...He said hi thank you for not hanging up on me. What are you doing, I said nothing what are you doing. He said did you send me some packages for Xmas. I said yes I sent three packages with your mother. I bought them before all this happened. Well they were wrapped nice "the card said I love you" I said I wrapped them before all this happened. He said oh. I said did you have nice xmas, he said no. Did you? I said yea I had a nice xmas. He said what are we doing? I said I have no idea what you are doing. He said I mean about us. I said I can do nothing about us, I can do nothing about your alcoholism. He said I know that. I am going to do that, I am doing that for us now. I said no you arent you are doing what you are doing for the judge. You had two weeks before going to jail to do something...you got drunk. He said well I want to show you I can fix this. I said well alot has changed since you left.....this is where I totally freaking lost my cool.........darnit...I am mad at me for this but I had to say this while he was sober..it was a punishment thing I know it was...but here goes...he said what has changed. I said well you are a crack head from what I hear...you told everyone you smoked crack with a 23 year old and so your wife is divorcing you....I didn't know you were a crack head, and I am not equipped to live with or deal with a crack head and I am not going to. And if you tell one lie while on this phone I am hanging up. He said I just did it once, I said well you are a liar. you lied about everything, you are till lieing and you told our son if he didn't drink with you he was a "kitty cat" (you guys know) and he is 22 years old and aren't you the good father. I said you were drunk the whole 2 weeks you were at your moms leaving I love you drunk messages all over town, taking xanax and pissing yourself...the one minute warning came on the jail has I guess. and he said please stop screaming at me I only have one minute left. Listen to me I love you I want to work things out blahblah blah...I said you are a f***ing liar...goodbye.....that was bad I know.....but I feel better. And I am sorry I did that so wrong...but I haven't gotten to say anything that was on my mind when I knew darn well he was stone cold sober....and I wanted him to hurt as much as I have....and that's mean..but I just wanted to do that....you guys think I suck now huh...

JessicaNAJ

I don't think you did anything wrong - AWESOME!!! Way to stand your ground. (But you should have hung up on him when he lied about the one time thing....lol)

You let him know how you felt and what you know and that your not blind to the truth anymore AND that your not going to give in to his lies. You were great!!

1sunshine2

I thought I goofed up big....I thought I know i am not suppose to get so outraged. He is an alcoholic and you are suppose to detach and not let them think they still have control and all that stuff......I am happy for me that I did it. I wanted to do it...I wanted to say you freaking loser.....why in the heck would I want to be with a crack head....and so that's pretty much what I said. And I hope he is sitting in that cell as miserable as I have been sitting in mine all these years...the difference is, I managed to get the cell doors to unlock when the jailer wasn't looking. Or I should say when the jailer got drunk and left it unguarded.

JessicaNAJ

Detaching is not letting his actions overrun your life....(at least the way I view it).

All you did was simply let him know that you didn't like it (not that you wanted to control it) and that you weren't going to put up with it (not try to stop it).

I like the jail cell analogy....

1sunshine2

I am fine. feel quite good...actually going to go to bed...hope you have a good evening. And a Great Day tomorrow.