smilo

I am feeling empowered and wanted to share with people who would understand!
Yesterday in marriage counseling I finally let my AH (10 months sober) know that I am unhappy with our bleak, miserable marriage and I'm looking to make some changes in my life. It was like it never occurred to him that living with someone who says "life isn't worth living without drugs" is hard.

I talked about how hard it is to see our precious 2-yr-old son beg for daddy's attention while he sits & stares at the floor, head in his hands. How incredibly lonely I am, and how horrible I feel when he shuts me out. How hard it is to be the "cheerleader" when the one you love is a zombie - not to mention having to juggle finances/childcare/housework/full time job, etc. Depression is not an excuse for not being present as a father, husband, partner. Especially when there is medication he refuses to even try!

I try not to take it personally (why is life with me so awful??) and I try to let him deal with his demons himself. But I made it clear yesterday that I do not intend to let my life pass by while I sit home and wait for him to engage with his family. I don't know if it had any effect on him, but it inspired me. I am re-re-re-vowing to get back in the game.

Thanks for letting me share!
--smilo

Paulie

Inspiring ourselves is what it is all about. .

Truth

u sound like u feel better that u expressed urself. I recently broke up with a boyfriend who was sober but so depressed and couldn't focus on me at all. i hope that eventually he gets healthy and we can be friends or possibly more in the future but i couldn't just stand there and get nothing from him and it was so sad for me to let him go but i know he needs to get healthy on his own. i needed to work on some stuff too- nothing major- but going to CODA and seeing a therapist and writing in a journal everyday has helped. It is so hard to watch someone u love go thru their life being sober but not really living. i just wanted to tell u that i understand and it sounds like u are moving in a positive direction for yourself

Dee at Mt Bully

Good for you--it's hard when you realize that there is more to the problem then the addiction. In my little mind I thought if he faced the addiction issue the rest would take care of itself. Silly girl (me) it doesn't work that way. He's more miserable to be around now than he was when he was drinking. After 13 years drunk he doesn't even have a clue who he is or what he wants. The bad news is that I'm starting to realize
what I want and it has more to do with my own needs and less to do with his. Sounds
selfish--but it is what it is and I'm going to run with it--I hope you do to. You deserve to be happy and you have the right to make yourself happy. Smiles--Dee

JessicaNAJ

I second that Dee.

Way to let it out smilo. It's not easy holding all that in.

FormerDoormat

I agree with you 100%. You and your son deserve so much more than this. He may be wallowing around in a miserable funk, but you and your son don't have to join him.

Sounds like you're already back in the game.

Karivan

Good for you smilo. It sounds like you're really growing and learning about what you want for yourself. My AH and I are going to counseling and he isn't drinking (almost 3 months now) but I still think about moving out all the time. I've given myself a deadline that if things haven't improved by July, either him or me is moving out. July will be one year from when the s**t hit the fan and I wanted to give myself and him that amount of time to see if we can work it out.

Your post inspired me to keep at it and live my life for me, not him.
Thanks.

smilo

Thank you everyone so much for the support!
Karivan, I did the same thing - I gave myself a 1-year deadline (March). I'm glad to hear that others have done the same. Doesn't necessarily mean it's over then, but that is when I will re-evaluate the marriage. Until then I am working on ME!
So I just planned my first vacation without my husband - just me and my son! I'm so scared that a week alone will a) make him drink/use, b) make his depression worse... but my therapist reminded me that if that's how fragile he is, and if I am the only thing holding him up, then I'm letting myself be trapped for life.

bahookie

Wow
"Depression is not an excuse for not being present as a father, husband, partner."

Hmm I'm not sure about that one you know. If a partner is so far down that they can't leave the sofa, how can we expect them to do anything else?

J

Live

I am glad you got the truth out, the urgent need for change and help.
But, depression is a physical progressive disease.
People who are depressed have smaller amalgydas (a brain part) and without medical treatment it will continue to atrophy and shrink.

I suffer from depression.
One day my daughter drug me to the doctor's, me shuffling along, and totally ratted me out to the Dr.
I got a stern lecture and was put on medications.
The most important thing I do every day now is take my anti-depressants, because I don't think I have another recovery left in me.
It takes weeks, the most miserable weeks, for them to kick in.
We have had to trial and error to find my correct cocktail but I am now the most well and happy I have ever been. I have myself and my life back.
The lecture my DR gave me was that this is a physical disease and that it was total sh!t to think I could pull myself up by the bootstraps and that diabetics don't like taking pills everyday either, but it isn't about whether we like it, it is about our health.

I lead a full, happy healthy well adventurous involved life now.
It simply wasn't even possible to me before. I was ill. Very ill.

smilo

Liveweyerd,
I definitely hear and appreciate what you are saying about depression. I suffer from it myself, and am on anti-depressant meds. That's what is so frustrating to me. There are tools that he could be using to help himself, and he refuses! He denies (and his mother supports him) the diagnoses of 3 different psychiatrists last year of bipolar disorder.
It's not that I expect him to get himself out of his depression, but I don't have to sit by and worry and make myself miserable. I used to make psychiatrist appointments and hotline calls for him when he was suicidal. I asked our marriage counselor to talk to him, talk to his therapist, about meds. Nothing worked - I can't make him help himself.
All I can do is accept his diseases and work to make my own life enjoyable.
Thanks for sharing your experience with meds. I wish my husband could find his way to the full enjoyable life you have now. I am trying to show him by example.
xoxo
-smilo